(In the heart of the child who made it, the Super HLUK belt is the most prestigious title on the planet.)

CagePotato Roundtable is our new recurring column in which the CP writing staff and some of our friends all get together to debate an MMA-related topic. Joining us this week is MiddleEasy.com founder Zeus Tipado, who was kind enough to smoke an entire bag of PCP and channel the spirit of Wallid Ismail. If you have a suggestion for a future Roundtable column, send it to tips@cagepotato.com. This week’s topic: Who’s your favorite MMA fighter to never win a major title?

Ben Goldstein

We take personality for granted these days. Everywhere you look, the MMA ranks are packed with shameless self-promoters, aspiring comedians, unrepentant assholes, and assorted clown-men. But in the UFC’s infancy, fighters tended to come in two types: Stoic (see Royce Gracie, Dan Severn) and certifiably insane ( see Joe Son, Harold Howard). David “Tank” Abbott changed all that. He entered the UFC with a fully-fledged persona, and managed to stay in character through his entire career. Simply put, he was the UFC’s first villain, and he played that role more effectively than anyone has since.

Heralded as a “pit fighter” — a term invented by UFC promoter Art Davie — Tank’s martial art of choice was hitting guys in the head really hard, which he did while wearing the sort of fingerless gloves that soon become industry standard. It’s difficult to overstate the impact that Tank’s debut at UFC 6 had on a 14-year-old Ben Goldstein as I was watching the pay-per-view at my friend Josh’s house. It wasn’t just that Abbott starched John Matua in a mere 18 seconds, or that Matua’s body seized up when his head hit the canvas. It’s that Tank reacted to the knockout by mimic-ing Matua’s stiffened pose. Tank actually mocked John Matua for having a seizure. Ruthless! And how about his destruction of Steve Nelmark at the Ultimate Ultimate ’96, which had to be the first “oh shit is that guy dead?” moment in UFC history. Tank was a living reminder that the UFC was very real, and very dangerous.

Directed by Bobby Razak, whom you may know as the man behind the amazing Tapout short film, The Future of MMA (that video is after the jump), The History of MMA takes a nostalgic look back at the highs and lows of the sport we love oh so much, and includes commentary from several legends of the sport, including Bas Rutten, Frank Shamrock, Mark Coleman, and referee Big John McCarthy among others. And as luck would have it, Mr. Razak decided to drop the trailer yesterday. We would advise that you check it out.

As you can see, the film touches on many of MMA’s most infamous moments; John McCain’s labeling of the sport as “human cockfighting,” its evolution through Pancrase, and the moment Tito Ortiz decided he had what it took to roc da mic right, yeah. On a side note, we bet Tank Abbott is gonna be pissed when he finds out that his name and photo appear whilst Bas Rutten describes how the UFC used to bring in “big guys with no skill.”

Who are we kidding? Abbott sold his computer for Jim Beam years ago.

Anyway, join us after the jump to check out The Future of MMA, as well as an up close and personal excerpt from The History of MMA featuring Fred Ettish, a fighter whom, after getting obliterated in his only professional mixed martial arts contest at UFC 2, came back to claim his first win in 2009. At age 53.

(Props to HDNetFights for the vid. Fight starts at the 4:20 mark.) 

I’m going to come right out and say it; Jim Wallhead may be the pound-for-pound scariest looking dude in mixed martial arts today. Say what you want about Keith Jardine, Tank Abbott, or even Ruben “Nightwolf” Villareal (lolz!), but none of them hold a candle to Wallhead, who looks like the bastard love child of General Vogel and Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. All the more terrifying is the fact that Wallhead actually has the skills to back up his grizzled demeanor. Currently 9-1 in his past ten fights, including wins over Frank Trigg, Che Mills, and Ryan Thomas, Wallhead’s career furthers the theory that anyone nicknamed “Judo” is one bad mofo who should not be tested.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/blackknight101066)

You would assume that a much-heated football rivalry from nearly 50 years ago would have fizzled by now, but apparently old habits die hard.

During a luncheon Friday for the Canadian Football League alumni in Vancouver, BC, former BC Lions’ quarterback Joe Kapp and former Hamilton Tiger-Cats’ defensive tackle Angelo Mosca proved that there was no love lost between them when the 73 year olds came to blows on the dais.

(“Nice hipster glasses, buddy! Let’s see what they look like…SUPLEXED!!!!” Photo via Dan’s Facebook page.)

In this week’s installment of his mailbag column for CagePotato.com, UFC Hall of Famer Dan Severn discusses a memorably bloody Vale Tudo match, the greatest night of his career, and the technique that he wants to see banned from the sport.

DARKHORSE06 asks: What is the worst injury you ever received?

The worst injury I’ve ever received in my career has probably been a cut. One time I was competing in Brazil back in the No Holds Barred days — known as Vale Tudo in Brazil — and my opponent hit me with a big overhand right that split open my top lip. When I grabbed hold of him to try and shake some of the cobwebs out of my head I noticed he was covered in baby oil so I couldn’t get him down.

In the clinch, my opponent threw a knee up that hit me in the mouth and split my bottom lip open. Somehow he was able to get me into the corner and I couldn’t really see as he started trying to attack me with knees, stomps and other techniques of that nature. I was trying to think of some way out when suddenly it dawned on me to suck the blood off my face and into my mouth. Once it was in my mouth, I would basically just spit the blood into my opponent’s face because it was not against the rules. As my opponent looked away so as not to get any blood spit at him, that’s when I got the upper hand, swept his feet out from underneath him and dropped him down on his butt.

“The Stoic Russian” is a hurtful stereotype, so we didn’t include it. The more you know…..

People complain about “pro-wrestling bullshit” invading MMA, but it’s been demonstrated over and over again: personality will get you places in the fight game. We’ve pointed this out before, like when we advised Jon Fitch on how to ensure a title shot. Some fighters are talked about incessantly on forums, at lunch tables, and in interviews because they’ve managed to capture the interest of fans, and many times it is because of things that they have done or said while not in the cage.

Come on in and let’s talk about archetypes, drama, and personality. Because there’s only so many technique videos out there.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/KanistyLez)

We’ve all seen this guy at some point in our lives. A big, lumbering, normally quiet and unassuming ox, who gets a few Jagerbombs into him and thinks he’s the streetfighting equivalent of Chuck Liddell. We like to think that’s how Tank Abbott got his start as a fighter.

(Wait, so you mean to tell me that we have to fight indoors? In a ring? Like a bunch of pampered women? Props to MiddleEasy for the find. ) 

Fresh off his decision victory over Scott Ferrozzo at ProElite: Birmingham, Tank Abbott was at it again last night, this time taking on fellow UFC pioneer Kimo Leopold in a match that made the ill-fated special rules bout between Ken Shamrock and James Toney seem like a walk in the park. Fortunately taking place inside an actual building this time — the Avalon in Hollywood, California — the bout featured three, one minute rounds, in which the competitors wore both headgear and some cartoon sized boxing gloves.

(You can make fun of your opponent’s voice, and you can trash his fighting style. But mock a man’s sideburns, and you’re asking for the worst beating of your life.)

Start sharpening your razors, folks: We’re just eight days away from the official start of Movember! To help get you in the moustache-growing spirit, we’ve put together a photo gallery of our favorite facial hair arrangements in MMA history, which you can check out after the jump.

(Props: FightGameTV via Deaf Forever)

Hmm. Poor Tank has taken too many bottles to the head, if you know what I’m saying…

(UFC 3′s Emmanuel Yarborough and Miley Cyrus: They may seem like a strange pairing at first, but then you spend some time with them together and you’re like “okay, I totally get it now.”)

By Matthew “The Fight Nerd” Kaplowitz

Japan has brought us so many great imports, be it giant robots, cartoons about ninja children dressed in bright colors (which sort of defeats the purpose of being a stealthy ninja), tentacle rape, and Pocky. Truly, their greatest offering to America has been the freak show fight. As we discussed last time, Japan was the country that legitimized the art of pitting two mismatched opponents in a ring and convincing us that this was the greatest thing since Steven Seagal invented the front kick.

If there’s one thing we Americans don’t like, it’s being shown up by a foreign land. So it was just a matter of time before an American promoter stood up and said, “You know what? I want to see a man that weighs a quarter of a ton fight a dwarf!” And that was how our first freak show fight was born. Well, not really, since we have better athletic commissions in America, but after reading this list of the “Top Ten American Freak Show Fights That Were Actually Good,” you might think otherwise. Let’s get it on!

10. Tim Sylvia vs. Wes Sims
Superbrawl 38, 12/12/04


In a rare battle between two giants, 6’ 8” Tim Sylvia stood almost eye to eye with Wes Sims, who had a two-inch height advantage over “The Maine-iac”.  Sylvia had fought another tall man, Gan McGee, the previous year at UFC 44, but this fight is far more entertaining. You would probably expect an evenly contested bout between these two, due to the height and their similarly aggressive tactics (both guys even used the same song for their entrance, go figure). For some reason that will never be known, Sims decided that he was the smaller man in this fight and would fight accordingly.

(Too old for this shit vs. Too fat for this shit.)

It was the fight that needed to happen. Well, maybe needed is too strong a word, but vodka bottles and turkey legs don’t grow on trees, and it’s either this or substitute teaching. That’s right, freak-fight-fans: UFC pioneer Tank Abbott (10-14) and beach-ball-shaped knockout artist Eric "Butterbean" Esch (13-7-1 MMA, 77-7-4 boxing) will be getting it on at a Thunder Promotions MMA event called "Alabama Pride," which will go down December 12th at the BJCC Arena in Birmingham. Amazingly, both men are coming off wins. Abbott snapped a four-fight losing streak in February with his KO via rabbit punches of Mike Bourke. Butterbean last competed ten days ago, defeating Tom Howard by RNC in a fight that looked like it might have been a work; either that, or Tom Howard really is a belly-flopping pussy (no offense).

Now, Butterbean and Tank will finally get to see who has the better haymakers. But don’t be surprised if Bean tools Tank on the ground; he’s honed his grappling at American Top Team, and his last four wins have come by submission. "Alabama Pride" also promises a celebrity fight between rapper DMX and Eric Martinez, who’s so famous that Wikipedia has never heard of him. If anybody can shed some light, please do so in the comments section.

After the jump: The event poster, and why Tank vs. Bean probably won’t be decided by leg kicks.

(Belfort vs. Matt Lindland @ Affliction: Day of Reckoning, 1/24/09. Fight starts at the 0:59 mark.)

In honor of Vitor Belfort‘s return to the UFC this Saturday, here are nine of the Phenom’s greatest knockouts. Folks, this is how you throw hands. Keep your chin down, Rich…

(Belfort vs. Terry Martin @ Affliction: Banned, 7/19/08.)

Ah, the freak show.  Where honest competition meets the insatiable human desire to see something weird, typically in Japan.  In light of the events at this week’s Dream "Super Hulk" tournament, we thought we’d take a look back and count down the ten craziest, most outlandish freak show fights in MMA history.  Some are bizarre enough to be fun.  Some are just horrible.  At least one is actually kind of good.  All are totally insane.  Enjoy.

#10: Fedor Emelianenko vs. Zuluzinho
Pride Shockwave 2005, 12/31/05

Zuluzinho (real name Wagner da Conceição Martins, which explains why he goes by Zuluzinho) got his shot at Fedor for two reasons: 1) he is the son of the now legendary Zulu, the Brazilian beast of a man who should be familiar to anyone who has seen “Choke,” and 2) because at 6’7” and nearly 400 pounds, he’s a big, scary-looking fat dude.  What he isn’t is quality competition for Fedor, and that’s why he got the fight on December 31.  Everyone knows Fedor loves to beat a freak’s ass to ring in the New Year, the bigger and freakier the better.  

Just in case there was any doubt that this was an almost criminal mismatch, Zuluzinho erased it by going down with the second punch thrown in the fight.  We like to think that as he was falling time slowed down like in the movies and Zuluzinho allowed himself to wonder just for a moment, ‘Is there a chance that the Pride matchmakers haven’t been taking me seriously?’

(If I have one regret in life, it’s that I was not able to rate the Cabbage vs. Tank fight more than ten Octagons.)

From a press release sent out by Spike:

(Ken Shamrock: haggard as he wanna be.)

Our boy Michael David Smith over at MMA Fanhouse conducted an interview with Ken Shamrock that can most charitably be described as ‘contentious.’  Give MDS credit, he doesn’t shy away from the tough questions, and neither does Shamrock.  After making vague remarks about why CBS refuses to work with him, Shamrock admits he is a fighter, “not a mastermind,” which naturally is news to us all.

But where things get interesting is when MDS presses Shamrock on his most recent sad display of something resembling fighting against 380-pound Ross Clifton.  Shamrock admitted that he only took that fight because he didn’t want to fight someone who might have reasonable chance of actually beating him, since this was just a ploy to set up a fight with Tank Abott, which, get this, may be on PAY-PER-VIEW.  Leave it to MDS to ask the questions you’re thinking:

But you think it is possible that you fighting Tank is something that could do well on pay-per-view?
I would absolutely say yeah. Especially since I fought some fat guy, out of shape, no good, and it got over 300,000 hits on YouTube, OK? So tell me. Some big, fat, out of shape, fat guy, is going to do bigger numbers than somebody fighting a main event fighter, like [Ken's adopted brother] Frank Shamrock and Nick Diaz, who probably won’t even get those numbers. And you’re saying that your opinion — which I didn’t know writers had one, I thought you were just supposed to write the story — is that because I did that, we got those numbers, we shouldn’t be going out there and having those fans watch that, even though they’re turning on the tube and they’re pushing in the numbers on the computer to watch that thing happen?

("I finish sandwiches!")

As strange as it sounds, there was a time when Tank Abbott could demand $126,000 to fight for less than a minute. Unfortunately, his market value has slightly decreased since then. MMA Junkie reports that the veteran brawler received $20,000 for his 29-second completely-illegal knockout of Mike Bourke at last Friday’s Wargods: Valentine’s Eve Massacre — putting him second on the event’s salary list after Ken Shamrock’s $25,000. Abbott’s opponent Mike Bourke earned $5,000, while Shamrock’s opponent Ross Clifton collected $4,000, which he plans on donating to a good cause. If anybody cares, the rest of the numbers are after the jump. The show drew 2,805 attendees for a $90,745 live gate, $82,150 of which was paid out to the fighters. In other words, the promoters earned less than half of what Tank Abbott did. Slim profit margins of the MMA biz, people… 

(Props: Sherdog)

We’ve already shown you the epic Ken Shamrock/Shamu the Whale match from last Friday’s Wargods event, and at long last, here’s the night’s other headlining bout, Tank Abbott vs. Mike Bourke. The comedy starts even before the bell rings. Even though Bourke was 8-11-1 coming into the fight, the ring announcer, perhaps thinking that what he was seeing on his notecards was a typo, declared The Rhino’s record to be 18-11-1. And you gotta love the lady-commentator’s mock-enthusiasm at the 4:00 mark: "I wanna see it go the distance! I wanna see it go the distance! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" The fight itself ends after just 29 seconds, following two point-blank rabbit punches from Tank. Awesome. Speaking of which, here’s how Ken Shamrock‘s weaselly little brother Frank described the Wargods show on his Yardbarker.com blog:

What, and rob us of the Ken/Tank superfight we’ve been waiting for since 1995?

After the jump: FranklyWashedUp on the UG unearthed this enlightening 2006 video of Chael Sonnen’s training and his life outside the cage, which includes real estate, a proud mother, and a hot girlfriend. Money line: "Even if I thought I could get a submission, I’m not laying underneath a grown man with my legs spread on worldwide TV. Some guys subscribe to that theory, but I’m a Republican, and we don’t do that." Hear that you jiu-jitsu faggots?!

(‘I want you! If you are morbidly obese and easily beatable.’)

Someone should invent a time machine solely for the purpose of going back to 1995 to inform the then proud Ken Shamrock that someday he would be fighting a 380-pound slob with a losing record in a “Valentine’s Eve Massacre” show in Fresno, and that he’d be glad just to get the win since it would be his first in six tries.  

The look on his face would have been worth all the effort and plutonium, though you’d need to hightail it back to 2009 to keep an enraged Shamrock from tearing your head off.

These days, you need have no such concern.  Unless you’re Ross Clifton.  He’s the 6-9 fighter who stands 6’8” tall and weighs 380 pounds and yet still can’t fight his way out of a Wienerschnitzel.  This, naturally, is why Shamrock chose him as an opponent for last night’s War Gods event.  Because even if Shamrock didn’t get him, heart disease probably would. 

Shamrock dispatched of Clifton with an armbar in the first round after dropping him with a punch.  Now he gets the match with Tank Abbott that he claims to want so badly.

(Torres poses with victim Yoshiro Maeda after their epic battle last June. Photo courtesy of koolpaw.)

#1 bantamweight /#5 pound-for-pound fighter Miguel Torres will reportedly make his next title defense at WEC 40, which will be held April 5th in Chicago; the venue will be announced soon. Unsurprisingly, his opponent will be Brian Bowles (7-0, all wins by stoppage), who clinched his #1 contender status last month by choking out Will Ribeiro at WEC 37 — the same event where Torres retained his bantamweight strap by beating the tar out of Manny Tapia. Ferocious local support should be behind Torres, who lives and trains in East Chicago, Indiana, and made his name by competing in small shows in the area. WEC 40 will also feature another bantamweight match between undefeated Joseph Benavidez and Jeff Curran, who is dropping a weight class after taking consecutive losses at featherweight to Urijah Faber and Mike Brown. The winner of the Torres/Bowles fight will likely take on the winner of the Benavidez/Curran fight in a title scrap later this year.

Remember, WEC 38 goes down this Sunday, headlined by Varner/Cerrone and Faber/Pulver II, and WEC 39 is scheduled for March 1st, featuring Mike Brown vs. Leonard Garcia and Carlos Condit vs. Brock Larson.

In other important non-UFC matchup news…

(UFC 97: Big Building vs. Lightning Bolt. Tickets now available at ConvolutedMetaphor.com.)

Hey, sorry we haven’t done t-shirt giveaways in a few weeks — that’s on us, player. But there’s been a lot of commenter brilliance happening lately, so let’s do this…

Lysol on "Rampage Pleads Guilty to Reckless Driving…": I want to see two guest lectures in the near future: The Importance of Sleep, Nutrition, and Exercise by Rampage Jackson and Black Belt Jiu Jitsu Grappling by Tank Abbott.

??? on "Kimbo Slice Has a ‘Boxing Machine’":
http://i713.photobucket.com/albums/ww133/CrushCo/Kimbo.jpg
[Ed. note: This comment somehow disappeared from the post, so we don't know who sent it in or what the exact setup was, but it was something along the lines of "Check out the prize I got from playing this game," and it was kind of amazing.]

John Kimble on "This Just In: MMA Is Finished, XARM to Take Over": Lyoto Machida and Kalib Starnes would be awful at this.

And finally, this idiot-savant-like exchange on our current poll:

If you happen to be any of these people (except for the multiple Anonymouses, because if you can’t come up with a clever screen-name, you’re ineligible to win) and you want a CagePotato "Hall of Fame" t-shirt, send your name, size, and address to feedback@cagepotato.com. And have a great day!

You were wondering how Brett Rogers feels about getting spurned by Elite XC in favor Ken Shamrock? Five Ounces of Pain has the scoop in a statement on behalf of Brett Rogers. Things start out all puppy dogs and rainbows in regards to the way Elite XC is handling their business, but don’t worry, Shamrock and “Fergi” get their come-uppance at the end:

As for Oct 4th; that was our spot. Shamrock with his name and giant ego butted in line to get a slice of Kevin. At 103 years of age Ken usurped our rightful place against the YouTube champ. Our sincerest hope is that Ken whips Kimbo and then we can finally euthanize the “World’s Most Dangerous Man” and relegate him to some MMA dinosaur exhibit. Maybe taxidermy him and Severn and place them on a rotating pedestal where they can endless circle each other.

If Ken proves to be more sham then rock and Fergi beats him, then the Slice hype grows even greater. Dude is already more myth then Sasquatch, Chupacabra and a fucking unicorn combined. Kevin is the black Yeti.

Caught between a Shamrock and a hard place, Kevin has chosen the old over the new; the past over the future. But Fergi… the hard place is coming. By putting us off, making us wait will only make matters worse. There is nothing business about it anymore. Kimbo made it a point to go frontin’ to our boys at Big Black. But that street thug B.S. might work well with the fan bois and the Internet dorks who think your street cred means something; but Son… Brett comes from Cabrini Green; the worst 12 blocks of America. Compared to that your street is Sesame Street. So you can say it is very personal between Brett and Fergi. So go ahead and make us wait while you fight Tank and Shamrock. Hell, why not fight Hackney, Harold Howard, Fred Ettish and the rest of Jurassic MMA? And while your shuckin’ and duckin’ we will be hustlin’ and muscilin’ and when the bell finally tolls the only real question left is … do you wake up looking at canvas or arena lights?

On behalf of Brett Rogers – Team Bison

Wow. Black Yeti? Shuckin’ and duckin’? Hustlin’ and musclin’? Sounds like the official trash-talking statement writer over at Team Bison is doing work, son.

Just a little something to whet your appetites for Saturday. James Thompson has suffered some quick and embarrassing knockouts in his career, but this freak bout against Eric Esch at Cage Rage 20 in February 2007 was maybe the most humiliating. The announcers warn Thompson of “Buh’ah’bane”‘s infamous overhand right — but alas, poor James cannot hear them, and he’s out seconds later.

More video awesomeness after the jump…

When there’s an MMA event, medical suspensions are sure to follow. The Florida State Boxing Commission has dropped their list of suspended fighters from the EliteXC: Street Certified joint that happened in Miami last Saturday. (Props MMA on Tap)

Tank Abbott got a 60 day medical suspension because he got KTFO by Kimbo. Joining Tank on the 60-day list were James Thompson, Kyle Noke, John Doyle, and Edson Berto. Mario Rinaldi wasn’t KO’d but got the shit kicked out of him by Dave Herman, so he also earned 60 days on hold. On that note, Dave Herman and Jirka Hivati – who made $500 for the night – were told they must be cleared by a doctor before being allowed back in the cage. Herman due to a knee injury and Hivati because of a laceration on his face.

Let’s talk more suspensions, shall we? The California State Athletic Commission has fined and suspended two fighters for dancing with mary jane. The fighters – Mike Moreno and Jermaine Wilson – both fought last Saturday at the Total Combat 26 show that went down in San Diego. Mike Moreno will be out of action until May 16th and was fined $500 (maybe he can get Jirka Hivati to cover his fine). Jermaine Wilson is out until August 14th and was fined $1,000. Wilson’s penalty was a bit stiffer because it was his second marijuana offense in three months – his pro record is two fights, two lossess, and two suspensions due to drug use. That’s rollin’ Kendall Grove style.

Only four out of the fourteen fighters at the event were tested and half tested positive for drugs. And both fighters lost via submissions, so what does that tell you, Kids? If you’re going to toke it up, improve your takedown defense.

On a side note, Total Combat’s ring girls are called the Combat Dolls. They deserve close inspection…trust me.

(He can now afford to buy ten more of these hats.)

Hey, remember that EliteXC event last Saturday known as “Street Certified”? Well, dudes got paid for that – especially the main eventers. Kimbo earned $4,069 and change for every second of his fight, while Tank Abbott took home almost $3,000 for every second he was making like Kimbo’s punching bag. Not sure how he wrangled that sort of payday for going 1-8 since 1998, but guys like Jimmy Ambriz should be calling Tank’s manager. Also, being a getting KTFO specialist paid off for James Thompson — he grabbed $25,000 for going to sleep, while Brett Rogers earned just $4,000 for making that happen.

Antonio Silva did okay for himself, but had to go the distance to earn his $80k. However, if you’re not in the top 2-3 fights for an EliteXC show, it gets kinda shitty. Just ask Jirka Hlavaty. He got a sweet $500 for his losing effort. Don’t think that even covered his hotel room. (UPDATE: And Moyses Gabin earned just $1, not $1,000 as we reported earlier. We don’t know if that’s because Gary Shaw found out Gabin was banging Shaw’s wife or his daughter, but we’ll update you when we know for sure.)

The payday rundown:

Kimbo Slice – $175,000 ($125,000 to show, $50,000 to win)
Tank Abbott – $126,000

Antonio Silva – $80,000
Ricco Rodriguez – $20,000

(The foot of a champion.)

Though reports about Mark Coleman’s induction into the UFC’s Hall of Fame have been swirling for a month, the UFC officially confirmed it today — Coleman will get the honor at UFC 82, which takes place in his hometown of Columbus, OH. Coleman’s career highlights include winning the UFC’s first heavyweight title and stepping on Wanderlei Silva’s head during a melee after his fight with Mauricio Rua at PRIDE 31.

As for the next fighter to follow Coleman into the UFC’s Hall of Fame, Dana White was quoted in an ESPN.com article as saying that Tank Abbott “absolutely will be in our Hall of Fame” when he officially retires. White also called Tank’s fight with Kimbo Slice “a farce.” Man, does he love that word or what! Unrelated but awesome Tank Abbott quote from the ESPN article: “I was in really great shape. Don’t judge a book by looking at the cover. Just because I got blubber on me, that’s genetics basically, thanks to my mother.”

Kimbo vs. Tank referee-cam video, courtesy of Sho.com

Yves Edwards knocks out Edson Berto via one-legged hopping-knee with four seconds left in round one:

James Thompson adds to another fighter’s highlight reel with his predictable knockout loss to Brett Rogers:

Bonus: Kimbo Slice and Bas Rutten give their thoughts on the Tank fight and what might be next:

(Shocking.)

Four wild knockouts to one dull decision — not a bad ratio for Saturday’s EliteXC card. About 80 of you threw in predictions for how the “Street Certified” main event would turn out, and we’re pleased to announce a winner. On 2/15, at 2:37 pm, commenter “charles” said:

kimbo TKO in 42 sec

Sure, it was actually a KO, but the fight was called at 43 seconds, and that’s pretty damn close. So Charles, if you’re reading this, e-mail feedback@cagepotato.com with your address and we’ll send you a copy of Iceman: My Fighting Life, signed by Chuck Liddell himself. We’d also like to give special recognition to commenter “skeet,” who said “kimbo :37 tko kimbo will have him on the ground face down.” Psychic much?!?

Next order of business: Can we all agree that it’s time for Kimbo to face someone as good as he is? Not an old boxer, not a food-poisoned pussy, not a one-dimensional brawler 12 years past his prime, but a legitimate heavyweight with some talent? If there’s one thing that EliteXC proved on Saturday, it’s that its heavyweight division is at least as deep as the UFC’s — I know, not saying much — especially when you factor in Pro Elite sub-promotions like Cage Rage. I’m willing to accept that Antonio Silva had an off night (due to a possible pre-fight injury) and that he’s still a couple steps ahead of Kimbo as far as ability, but I would love to see how Kimbo would do against Ricco “Bacon Double-Cheeseburger” Rodriguez. Undefeated Brett Rogers, who knocked out James Thompson on Saturday, seems like he’d be the perfect guy for Kimbo to face if he wants to demand a little more respect. And at the end of the “Street Certified” broadcast, Mauro Ranallo and Stephen Quadros suggested that Kimbo could take on the winner of the Ken Shamrock/Robert “Buzz” Berry match at Cage Rage next month. Berry would be a great option — especially since he’s already called out Kimbo — but putting Kimbo against Shamrock’s legendary submission expertise (and willingness to take a beating) in just his fourth MMA bout might be asking too much.

Here’s what I’m afraid EliteXC might actually do: 1) Put Kimbo up against James Thompson so their franchise star can rack up at least one more guaranteed knockout before they start challenging him, or 2) Track down Sean Gannon so they can settle their grudge. As much as Kimbo might want to avenge his only loss as an “amateur,” the match-up just wouldn’t be competitive anymore, and wouldn’t do anything to prove that Kimbo should be taken seriously now.

One more thing: We went a perfect five-for-five in predicting the winners of “Street Certified”‘s main card, and called three of them perfectly (winner/round/method). Damn it feels good to be right once in a while…

(“Make this quick, fellas, I got a softball game in like two hours.”)

What it do, nephews? Kimbo, Tank, Ricco, Bigfoot, and the rest of the gang are about to do battle at Miami’s Bank United Center. Watch the action on Showtime starting at 10 p.m. if you can, and/or follow our round-by-round results and commentary after the jump. Click the “more” link and refresh the page every few minutes, and let’s have some good clean fights out there. WAR FERGUSON!