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Iconic Album Covers Replaced With Sloths

Tag: Tank Abbott

Ill-Conceived War Gods Event Ends…Predictably


(‘I want you! If you are morbidly obese and easily beatable.’)

Someone should invent a time machine solely for the purpose of going back to 1995 to inform the then proud Ken Shamrock that someday he would be fighting a 380-pound slob with a losing record in a “Valentine’s Eve Massacre” show in Fresno, and that he’d be glad just to get the win since it would be his first in six tries.  

The look on his face would have been worth all the effort and plutonium, though you’d need to hightail it back to 2009 to keep an enraged Shamrock from tearing your head off.

These days, you need have no such concern.  Unless you’re Ross Clifton.  He’s the 6-9 fighter who stands 6’8” tall and weighs 380 pounds and yet still can’t fight his way out of a Wienerschnitzel.  This, naturally, is why Shamrock chose him as an opponent for last night’s War Gods event.  Because even if Shamrock didn’t get him, heart disease probably would. 

Shamrock dispatched of Clifton with an armbar in the first round after dropping him with a punch.  Now he gets the match with Tank Abbott that he claims to want so badly.

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Miguel Torres Returns in April for Hometown Fight Against Brian Bowles

Miguel Torres Yoshiro Maeda WEC MMA
(Torres poses with victim Yoshiro Maeda after their epic battle last June. Photo courtesy of koolpaw.)

#1 bantamweight /#5 pound-for-pound fighter Miguel Torres will reportedly make his next title defense at WEC 40, which will be held April 5th in Chicago; the venue will be announced soon. Unsurprisingly, his opponent will be Brian Bowles (7-0, all wins by stoppage), who clinched his #1 contender status last month by choking out Will Ribeiro at WEC 37 — the same event where Torres retained his bantamweight strap by beating the tar out of Manny Tapia. Ferocious local support should be behind Torres, who lives and trains in East Chicago, Indiana, and made his name by competing in small shows in the area. WEC 40 will also feature another bantamweight match between undefeated Joseph Benavidez and Jeff Curran, who is dropping a weight class after taking consecutive losses at featherweight to Urijah Faber and Mike Brown. The winner of the Torres/Bowles fight will likely take on the winner of the Benavidez/Curran fight in a title scrap later this year.

Remember, WEC 38 goes down this Sunday, headlined by Varner/Cerrone and Faber/Pulver II, and WEC 39 is scheduled for March 1st, featuring Mike Brown vs. Leonard Garcia and Carlos Condit vs. Brock Larson.

In other important non-UFC matchup news…

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CagePotato Comments of the Week

Brock Lesnar Frank Mir UFC MMA
(UFC 97: Big Building vs. Lightning Bolt. Tickets now available at ConvolutedMetaphor.com.)

Hey, sorry we haven’t done t-shirt giveaways in a few weeks — that’s on us, player. But there’s been a lot of commenter brilliance happening lately, so let’s do this…

Lysol on "Rampage Pleads Guilty to Reckless Driving…": I want to see two guest lectures in the near future: The Importance of Sleep, Nutrition, and Exercise by Rampage Jackson and Black Belt Jiu Jitsu Grappling by Tank Abbott.

??? on "Kimbo Slice Has a ‘Boxing Machine’":
http://i713.photobucket.com/albums/ww133/CrushCo/Kimbo.jpg
[Ed. note: This comment somehow disappeared from the post, so we don't know who sent it in or what the exact setup was, but it was something along the lines of "Check out the prize I got from playing this game," and it was kind of amazing.]

John Kimble on "This Just In: MMA Is Finished, XARM to Take Over": Lyoto Machida and Kalib Starnes would be awful at this.

And finally, this idiot-savant-like exchange on our current poll:

Anonymous: crazy ppl ! lesnar will snap mir like a twig, and throw him over to the the moon. this time it is different,lightning doesn’t struck twice at the same place
 
Anonymous: actually lightning does strike more than once in the same place…step ur game up kid…Empire state building is hit with lightning an average of 25 times a year…stupid kid…
 
Anonymous: the empire state building is a big building, asshole
 
Anonymous: mir isnt a lightning bolt

If you happen to be any of these people (except for the multiple Anonymouses, because if you can’t come up with a clever screen-name, you’re ineligible to win) and you want a CagePotato "Hall of Fame" t-shirt, send your name, size, and address to feedback@cagepotato.com. And have a great day!

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‘Oh Snap!’ Alert: Brett Rogers Accuses Kimbo Slice of Shuckin’ and Duckin’

You were wondering how Brett Rogers feels about getting spurned by Elite XC in favor Ken Shamrock? Five Ounces of Pain has the scoop in a statement on behalf of Brett Rogers. Things start out all puppy dogs and rainbows in regards to the way Elite XC is handling their business, but don’t worry, Shamrock and “Fergi” get their come-uppance at the end:

As for Oct 4th; that was our spot. Shamrock with his name and giant ego butted in line to get a slice of Kevin. At 103 years of age Ken usurped our rightful place against the YouTube champ. Our sincerest hope is that Ken whips Kimbo and then we can finally euthanize the “World’s Most Dangerous Man” and relegate him to some MMA dinosaur exhibit. Maybe taxidermy him and Severn and place them on a rotating pedestal where they can endless circle each other.

If Ken proves to be more sham then rock and Fergi beats him, then the Slice hype grows even greater. Dude is already more myth then Sasquatch, Chupacabra and a fucking unicorn combined. Kevin is the black Yeti.

Caught between a Shamrock and a hard place, Kevin has chosen the old over the new; the past over the future. But Fergi… the hard place is coming. By putting us off, making us wait will only make matters worse. There is nothing business about it anymore. Kimbo made it a point to go frontin’ to our boys at Big Black. But that street thug B.S. might work well with the fan bois and the Internet dorks who think your street cred means something; but Son… Brett comes from Cabrini Green; the worst 12 blocks of America. Compared to that your street is Sesame Street. So you can say it is very personal between Brett and Fergi. So go ahead and make us wait while you fight Tank and Shamrock. Hell, why not fight Hackney, Harold Howard, Fred Ettish and the rest of Jurassic MMA? And while your shuckin’ and duckin’ we will be hustlin’ and muscilin’ and when the bell finally tolls the only real question left is … do you wake up looking at canvas or arena lights?

On behalf of Brett Rogers – Team Bison

Wow. Black Yeti? Shuckin’ and duckin’? Hustlin’ and musclin’? Sounds like the official trash-talking statement writer over at Team Bison is doing work, son.

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Videos: James Thompson vs. Butterbean, Ross Geller + More

Just a little something to whet your appetites for Saturday. James Thompson has suffered some quick and embarrassing knockouts in his career, but this freak bout against Eric Esch at Cage Rage 20 in February 2007 was maybe the most humiliating. The announcers warn Thompson of “Buh’ah’bane”‘s infamous overhand right — but alas, poor James cannot hear them, and he’s out seconds later.

More video awesomeness after the jump…

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Suspensions: Medical & Marijuana

When there’s an MMA event, medical suspensions are sure to follow. The Florida State Boxing Commission has dropped their list of suspended fighters from the EliteXC: Street Certified joint that happened in Miami last Saturday. (Props MMA on Tap)

Tank Abbott got a 60 day medical suspension because he got KTFO by Kimbo. Joining Tank on the 60-day list were James Thompson, Kyle Noke, John Doyle, and Edson Berto. Mario Rinaldi wasn’t KO’d but got the shit kicked out of him by Dave Herman, so he also earned 60 days on hold. On that note, Dave Herman and Jirka Hivati – who made $500 for the night – were told they must be cleared by a doctor before being allowed back in the cage. Herman due to a knee injury and Hivati because of a laceration on his face.

Let’s talk more suspensions, shall we? The California State Athletic Commission has fined and suspended two fighters for dancing with mary jane. The fighters – Mike Moreno and Jermaine Wilson – both fought last Saturday at the Total Combat 26 show that went down in San Diego. Mike Moreno will be out of action until May 16th and was fined $500 (maybe he can get Jirka Hivati to cover his fine). Jermaine Wilson is out until August 14th and was fined $1,000. Wilson’s penalty was a bit stiffer because it was his second marijuana offense in three months – his pro record is two fights, two lossess, and two suspensions due to drug use. That’s rollin’ Kendall Grove style.

Only four out of the fourteen fighters at the event were tested and half tested positive for drugs. And both fighters lost via submissions, so what does that tell you, Kids? If you’re going to toke it up, improve your takedown defense.

On a side note, Total Combat’s ring girls are called the Combat Dolls. They deserve close inspectiontrust me.

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Kimbo Earned Over $4k Per Second


(He can now afford to buy ten more of these hats.)

Hey, remember that EliteXC event last Saturday known as “Street Certified”? Well, dudes got paid for that – especially the main eventers. Kimbo earned $4,069 and change for every second of his fight, while Tank Abbott took home almost $3,000 for every second he was making like Kimbo’s punching bag. Not sure how he wrangled that sort of payday for going 1-8 since 1998, but guys like Jimmy Ambriz should be calling Tank’s manager. Also, being a getting KTFO specialist paid off for James Thompson — he grabbed $25,000 for going to sleep, while Brett Rogers earned just $4,000 for making that happen.

Antonio Silva did okay for himself, but had to go the distance to earn his $80k. However, if you’re not in the top 2-3 fights for an EliteXC show, it gets kinda shitty. Just ask Jirka Hlavaty. He got a sweet $500 for his losing effort. Don’t think that even covered his hotel room. (UPDATE: And Moyses Gabin earned just $1, not $1,000 as we reported earlier. We don’t know if that’s because Gary Shaw found out Gabin was banging Shaw’s wife or his daughter, but we’ll update you when we know for sure.)

The payday rundown:

Kimbo Slice – $175,000 ($125,000 to show, $50,000 to win)
Tank Abbott – $126,000

Antonio Silva – $80,000
Ricco Rodriguez – $20,000

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Mark Coleman Confirmed for UFC Hall-of-Fame

MC
(The foot of a champion.)

Though reports about Mark Coleman’s induction into the UFC’s Hall of Fame have been swirling for a month, the UFC officially confirmed it today — Coleman will get the honor at UFC 82, which takes place in his hometown of Columbus, OH. Coleman’s career highlights include winning the UFC’s first heavyweight title and stepping on Wanderlei Silva’s head during a melee after his fight with Mauricio Rua at PRIDE 31.

As for the next fighter to follow Coleman into the UFC’s Hall of Fame, Dana White was quoted in an ESPN.com article as saying that Tank Abbott “absolutely will be in our Hall of Fame” when he officially retires. White also called Tank’s fight with Kimbo Slice “a farce.” Man, does he love that word or what! Unrelated but awesome Tank Abbott quote from the ESPN article: “I was in really great shape. Don’t judge a book by looking at the cover. Just because I got blubber on me, that’s genetics basically, thanks to my mother.”

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Kimbo Slice *Is* the ‘Cloverfield’ Monster!

Kimbo vs. Tank referee-cam video, courtesy of Sho.com

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Fights of the Day: Edwards/Berto, Rogers/Thompson @ ‘Street Certified’

Yves Edwards knocks out Edson Berto via one-legged hopping-knee with four seconds left in round one:

James Thompson adds to another fighter’s highlight reel with his predictable knockout loss to Brett Rogers:

Bonus: Kimbo Slice and Bas Rutten give their thoughts on the Tank fight and what might be next:

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