(AND FOR ONLY FIVE DOLLARS MORE, I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOME AND SCREAM AT YOUR KIDS WHILE YOU WATCH MY FIGHT ON TEVO.) 

It’s hard to say what exactly inspires aging MMA fighters with the sudden desire to give the sport another go. In Aleksander Emelianenko’s case, it was money, probably to be put towards more prison-style death tattoos. In Tank Abbott’s case, it was probably because one of his crusty drinking buddies at the local VFW bet him he wouldn’t. And in UFC HOFer Ken Shamrock‘s case, it appears that his first round TKO over that chick outside a Wetzel’s Pretzels is to thank for his most recent “comeback” fight, the details of which MMAOpinion has just passed along:

UFC Hall of Famer, Ken Shamrock will be returning to MMA on July 27 to take on British MMA star Ian ‘The Machine’ Freeman under the Ultimate Cage Fighting Championship banner at the Keepmoat Stadium in Doncaster, England.

Shamrock,a UFC Superfight Champion, made his desire to fight Freeman public when he commentated on BAMMA 12. His wish has been granted after some heavy negotiation. Shamrock has been in fights with some of all time greats including Royce Gracie and Kazushi Sakuraba but it looks like even at the grand age of 49, ‘The World’s most Dangerous Man’ is not ready to call it quits. He has not fought since November 2010. His last fight in the UK saw him lose by TKO to Robert ‘Buzz’ Berry in 2008. 

While we would love to bring things like Shamrock’s record over the past few years or his general mental health into the equation, we think we should hold off on our cynicism until this fight actually goes down. And honestly, when compared to what he’s been reduced to in lieu of fighting, seeing Shamrock’s brains get turned into mashed potatoes for a few thousand bucks is probably the least humiliating thing we (or he) could ask for.

(And if you act fast, he’ll throw in “How to Throw a Leg Kick” for free!)

Are you a fat, nerdy MMA fan who lives with his mother and spends his time trolling the Internet? Well, obviously not, so you’ll have to play along here. But if you were overweight, and also decided that the whole “eating healthier and exercising” thing didn’t involve enough former UFC champions for your liking, then would I have a treat for you. Tim Sylvia has founded The Maine-Iac 90 Day Weight Loss Challenge, so that you can get in shape with the former UFC champion.

So what is inspiring Tim Sylvia to challenge his loyal fans? Is he trying to persuade people that fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son? Is he concerned about the rising obesity rates in our children? Believe it or not, it appears he’s doing this due to his own weight issues. I know, I can’t think of a single mean-spirited, sarcastic comment to make here, either, so let’s hear it from the former champion himself:

“Okay, so I’m making a living as a fake fighter. Things can only get better from here, right?”

If history is any indication, it’ll only be a matter of time before this headline becomes tragically outdated. Ken Shamrock has gone from taking lopsided beatdowns from Tito Ortiz, to taking them from the UFC’s lawyers, to accusations of juicing himself in order to get out fighting Kimbo Slice, to testing positive for steroids after beating up a fat guy, to submitting to leg-kicks from Pedro Rizzo, to beating up another fat guy with the help of an eye poke, to losing to Mike Bourke after his leg gave out while going backwards (seriously), to hitting a “heavyset” woman that he thought was a guy. The point I’m trying to make is that whenever things look like they can’t possibly get any worse for the guy, we see his name in the news and think to ourselves, “Yep, I really should have seen this coming.”

That being said, you know things aren’t exactly good for somebody when…you know what, I’ll just let this press release sent to Cagepotato.com yesterday explain:

Maryland, 29 th October 2012 [Author's Note: The date was wrong, so I figured things weren't exactly off to a promising start...] – UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock has announced the launch of his own fundraising chat line, allowing fans of the legendary icon to call him directly on his cell phone.

His service is part of growing micro-access phenomenon, whereby well-known public figures can connect anonymously by phone with their followers on a pay-per-minute basis.

Yep.

When we last checked in on Drew Fickett, he had moved from Arizona to Florida to enter a rehabilitation facility, and celebrated his forty-two days of sobriety with a knockout loss to Jonatas Novaes at ShoFIGHT 20. Not to add insult to injury, but Fickett said before the fight that he was in very real danger danger of becoming homeless if he didn’t receive his win bonus as well. I wish I was here today to tell you that things have gotten better for him, but that’s not exactly the case.

Fickett met up with undefeated Grudge Training Center prospect Justin Gaethje at last weekend’s Rage in the Cage 163. I’d describe the fight for you, but that’d be a waste of time. Let’s just say that Gaethje is still undefeated, Fickett is now 1-6 in his last seven fights and I’m only writing about this fight because I have lost control of my life.

Video is after the jump.

If it wasn’t already crystal clear that former pound for pound boxing great Roy Jones Jr.’s near twenty-five year career had gone on for far too long, Thursday it was announced that he will fight Kevin ‘Kimbo Slice’ Ferguson in Jamaica in December. This fight that no one asked for and that no self-respecting athletic commission would sanction is apparently being made possible by something called Giomax Entertainment Company and Stewart’s Auto Sales.

Yup.

Jones went the first fourteen years or so of his professional boxing career without a real loss (He was disqualified for hitting Montell Griffin while he was down in 1997 and promptly KO’d him when they re-matched five months later) and dominated multiple weight classes on his way to being considered, at times, the world’s best boxer, pound for pound. But since 2004 Jones has gone 7-7, with four of those losses being ugly knockouts or TKO’s.

(Personally, I think this is a reasonable reaction.) 

We don’t mean to judge a book by it’s cover, but when that cover is a 327 lb man who goes by the name Tater Williams, it’s safe to say that he will more than likely end up on the wrong side of a knockout. Scratch that, a 327 lb dude named Tater Williams should most certainly end up on the RIGHT side of a knockout if anything. His name is freaking TATER FREAKING WILLIAMS, and he uses catchphrases like “Five of these across the sneeze,” and “You’re gonna get that about 147 times” in between asthmatic gasps for air. “That” being the aforementioned sneeze punches. Throw in the fact that Tater is apparently “a really great athlete” who has studied judo, wrestling, sambo, and had a high school wrestling record of 226-12* and Tater is not only looking like a well-rounded Goliath, but a man who could decimate Junior Dos Santos, Cain Velasquez, and Alistair Overeem without batting an eye. At the same time. While in a diabetic coma.

Sadly, things do go quite according to plan (have they ever, really?) in the next chapter of the XARM saga, a sport so hilariously misguided that it really makes you yearn for the subtle nuances of wheelchair MMA. In today’s contest, Tater finds himself matched up against the slightly slimmer Bond Laupua (I swear to God I am not making these names up), who is quick to admit that “I don’t really have a strategy” heading into the fight. The announcers inform us that Tater’s gameplan was to gain weight. HOW DID HE LOSE THIS.

Join us after the jump to see two bears wrestle over a jar of honey until one falls down. 

“Don’t call it a comeback! No seriously, don’t – I plan on pulling out of my next fight.”

Not to be outdone by One FC, last night’s hilariously named Best of the Best event in Belem, Brazil saw Murilo Rua and Paulo Filho come out of retirement for a pointless, irrelevant rematch. On paper, it’s pretty sad and kind of scary to see Murilo Rua, who looked completely washed up in his retirement fight against Tom Watson at last year’s BAMMA 6, step in the cage for one final fight. But his opponent is Paulo Filho, so it’ll be a small miracle if the troubled Rohypnol loving Brazilian even shows up, yet alone shows up in shape and ready to fight, right? Things can’t get too ugly for Ninja, can they?

Dude…you have no idea. Rua manages to do dick before getting tagged repeatedly by Filho’s sloppy haymakers, which were eerily reminiscent of this. The fight is mercifully stopped just forty eight seconds in, yet the internet is still crying early stoppage. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m okay with letting this one end while Ninja can still brush his teeth without assistance.

Props to Zombie Prophet for the video.

(Video via MachinimaPrime)

In MMA, as in life, you never want to leave it in the hands of the judges. The same rule applies for the absurd parody of a combat sport known as XARM. Up until now, we’ve just thought that XARM involved two guys swinging wild haymakers at each other with their hands tied together, but it turns out that you actually can win or lose by pin — just like in real arm-wrestling. And James Irvin recently learned that the hard way during his depressing promotional debut against XARM veteran  Fred “Big Cat” Steen.

Steen successfully pins Irvin’s arm in rounds one and two, meaning that Irvin needs a knockout in round three to win the match. And while the Sandman lands some good shots in that final frame, Steen spends much of the third round hanging back (literally), stalling his way to a decision win. Honestly, these goddamned point-fighters are ruining the sport.

I’d update the James Irvin “Why Me?” timeline, but who even cares at this point. For further viewing, watch this XARM profile of James Irvin, where Irvin explains that he works full-time at the UFC Gym (possibly alongside another legendary UFC striker), incorrectly claims that he still holds the UFC’s fastest knockout record, and bitches about his damn taxes.

Tomasz Narkun and Saparbek Safarov getting into it at the weigh-ins. GIFS from Emelianenko vs. Malikov after the jump. Props: IronForgesIron.com

As we anxiously await the UFC’s debut on Fox, let’s take the time to celebrate an event that did not go nearly as smoothly as we hope UFC on Fox 1 goes: M-1 Challenge 28. The event was initially set to be headlined by a welterweight championship bout between Shamil Zavurov and Rashid Magomedov, but Shamil was forced off of the card with a last minute injury. In place of the championship bout, M-1 quickly booked Aleksander Emelianenko to fight 3-1 prospect Magomed Malikov. Okay, lackluster main event with a guy we at least know of. It could get worse, right? Don’t worry, it did.

Add on the above tussle from the event’s weigh-ins, and things were spiraling out of control pretty quickly. At least we can still count on Aleksander Emelianenko to crush a hapless can, right? Right?

Remember: The real champion is the guy on the right. Seriously. Both images via Sherdog.

For those of you who haven’t noticed, Bellator’s Light-heavyweight champion Christian M’Pumbu lost his non-title super fight against journeyman Travis Wiuff on Saturday night. Yes, a champion actually lost one of those super fights that are supposed to show the general public how badass he is. Now that we’ve had an additional twenty four hours to digest the incident since we first reported it yesterday, let’s put the fight into perspective: Wiuff decisively beat Bellator’s light-heavyweight champion, Christian M’Pumbu, in a light-heavyweight fight under the Bellator banner on Saturday night. For his efforts, he has more than likely earned a slot in next season’s light-heavyweight tournament. If he wins said tournament, his reward will be a title shot against the best light-heavyweight in Bellator, Christian M’Pumbu. You know, the guy he just defeated Saturday night.

Wait, what the fucking what?

Having your champion fight in non-title super fights is a dubious idea in the first place. We’ve seen other organizations employ it before with less than spectacular results. Now that the worst case scenario played out at Bellator 55, it’s officially time to give this idea the ban that it deserves.

There are three main reasons why:

(“I don’t want to die. But I’m not afraid to. Because what’s left, man? What do you do when they quit chanting your name?” Props: ESPN via willvojtisek)

As the WWF’s “Razor Ramon” in the early 1990s, Scott Hall was one of pro-wrestling‘s biggest stars — a Scarface-inspired bad guy known for his ever-present toothpick, gold chains, and hilarious promos. But in recent years, he’s become better known for his personal deterioration, which culminated in an utterly tragic headlining appearance at a Massachusetts wrestling show in April, two days after having a seizure. Though comparisons to Mickey Rourke’s character in The Wrestler are easy to make, the real-life story of Scott Hall is much darker.

Last night, ESPN’s E:60 profiled Scott Hall’s path from wrestling mega-success to his subsequent battles with addiction and his questionable decision to mentor his son Cody to follow in his footsteps. We don’t go near pro-wrestling very often on this site, but I thought this was heart-wrenching stuff, and worth sharing.

Let’s remember Scott in happier times. After the jump: Razor Ramon’s five greatest WWF video vignettes…

(Props: battlecambrah)

Jose Canceso‘s record as a celebrity boxer currently sits at 1-2-1, including a knockout loss to Vai Sikahema, a decision loss to a 60-year-old man, a tough draw against Danny Partridge, and a win (finally) against Todd Poulton, self-described as “The Heavyweight Champion of OCD.”

We’d say that the former baseball star’s next match offers him a shot at redemption, but considering his opponent, he’ll look like a loser even if he wins it. Canseco is booked to appear at a Celebrity Fight Night event on November 5th against Tareq Salahi, best known as the “White House party crasher” whose wife Michaele is a total whore.

(Coulda been worse, I guess…)

Just two months after bouncing out of the UFC following his third-straight loss at UFC Live: Jones vs. Matyushenko, notoriously cursed striker James Irvin began his climb back to the big leagues at a Rebel Fights event in Roseville, California, on Saturday. As you’ll see in the video after the jump, it must have been a humbling experience from the get-go. Instead of a deafening, appropriately lit arena, Irvin squared off with a dude named Angel DeAnda for the entertainment of a couple hundred folks in a cinder-blocked space that was as small as it was bright.

It would have been especially depressing if Irvin lost — and he was a ball-hair away of doing just that. DeAnda starts the fight bombing out on Irvin with left hooks, but is floored by a patented Sandman Superman Punch. DeAnda pops back up, quickly scores a knockdown of his own, and starts pouring on the pain from the top. Check the vid’s 1:35 mark to see just how close Josh Rosenthal was to stopping the fight; he basically changes his mind at the last possible moment, which allows Irvin to get his bearings, work his way up, and put the stamp on DeAnda. 

The “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” guy is now a waiter at a Tex-Mex restaurant. Just thought you should know.