(Come on Tim, you haven’t even read the column yet. Maybe we wrote nice things about you, okay?)

Today on the CagePotato Roundtable, we’re talking paper champs — the one-and-dones and never-shoulda-beens who weren’t quite worthy of the gold around their waist. To limit our scope a bit, we’re only focusing on major MMA promotions like the UFC (including tournament champions), PRIDE (even though all their champions were awesome), Strikeforce, the WEC, and probably Bellator and DREAM as well if anybody cared enough to mention them. Joining us this week is our dear friend Kelly Crigger, the retired solider and best-selling MMA author who’s currently elevating rugby-awareness at American Sin Bin. Read on for our picks, and please, please, please send your ideas for future Roundtable topics to tips@cagepotato.com.

Jared Jones

For four months in 2001-2002, Dave Menne — the fighter who Phil Baroni famously steamrolled at UFC 39 — was the UFC’s middleweight champion. That’s right: The belt that Anderson Silva has proudly worn for the last five-and-a-half years used to belong to this guy. Menne won the title in September 2001 by beating 5-0 newcomer Gil Castillo, and went on to compile an overall record of 2-4 in the Octagon. Gentlemen, the floor is yours. Good luck.

Kelly Crigger

The worst major MMA champion of all time has to be Carlos Newton. For starters when you say your fighting style is Dragon Ball Z Jiu Jitsu to pay homage to a Japanese anime character, there’s a screw loose somewhere.

Secondly, when Newton won the UFC welterweight title, there wasn’t exactly a deep talent pool of competition. MMA was still evolving and techniques were as sound as using bubble gum on a car engine. I will admit that he beat a very experienced and talented Pat Miletich to get the strap, but that’s the lone gem in his dreadlocked crown. Today every weight class has a laundry list of accomplished fighters and an alternate list of accomplished fighters waiting in the wings in case they tweet something controversial and Mr. White fires all of them. The point is, he didn’t exactly climb a ladder of giants to get to the belt.

(Props: Amazon.com, via CP reader “joe sons balls,” who claims that he randomly came upon one of Phil Baroni‘s old fetish-modeling gigs while searching for XTC t-shirts. Sure, buddy. Your secret’s safe with us.)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere…

- Sean Sherk Planning UFC Return in 2012, But Won’t Fight ‘Some Chump Who Needs Some Fame’ (MMA Mania)

- Report: UFC Beginning to Target Consumers in Online Piracy War (MMA Convert)

- Pat Curran Talks Title Win Over Joe Warren at Bellator 60 (The Fight Nerd)

- Trouble Already Brewing on Set of TUF 15 (Five Ounces of Pain)

- Nick Diaz Might Be Retired From MMA, But His Career as a Ninja Has Just Begun (MiddleEasy)

- Jon Jones Wants Anderson Silva as a “Mentor,” Not an Opponent (Lowkick.Blitzcorner.com)

- Odds Stacked Against Frank Mir at UFC 146 (5th Round)

- Cesar Gracie Wants Penn or Pettis for Gilbert Melendez’s Next Fight (FightLine)

- Tim Sylvia Deserves Another Shot in the UFC (BleacherReport.com/MMA)

- UFC Threatens Lawsuit Against Oklahoma (MMA Payout)

- Testosterone Capitulation: The UFC, Rampage, & Fighters Only (Fight Opinion)

(“Tweet this mofo to Dana and get me a fight with Sean McCorkle.”)

After watching Tim Sylvia’s overwhelmingly unimpressive “berserker” workout today from his unlikely (read, hopeless) guerilla campaign to get back in the UFC, we were reminded of the fact that some guys (and girls), no matter how passionate they are about the sport of mixed martial arts, just aren’t cut out to be fighters. Before you shoot the messengers, Tim admits himself that he was never the best athlete or fighter, but in today’s climate, he may not even be able to be more than an undercard heavyweight in the UFC.

Whether it be physical limitations or a deficiency in the skill set department, unfortunately for even the most passionate fighters sometimes heart and size aren’t enough to carry a career.

Just ask Butterbean and Zuzulinho.

In honor of those stubborn buggers in the sport, we’ve compiled 10 videos of other people who likely won’t be inking a contract with a notable MMA organization any time soon.

Check them out after the jump.

Dana, the ball is officially in your court.

After weeks of pleading, Twitter bombing, and viral videoing, all of which yielded no results, it appears that former UFC Heavyweight champion Tim Sylvia has run out of options. We’re not even going to question whether you were ready for this; we know you’re not. His back against the proverbial wall, Sylvia decided that the only way to prove that he was truly ready for another UFC run was to release the above video, in which he unleashes the collective power of Maine-iacs worldwide in just over two minutes. I simply cannot come up with the words to describe it, so instead will rely on those of MRuss, who, after witnessing those two minutes of pure, unadulterated athleticism, set to a haunting Evanescence melody, said the following:

My wife lifts more weight than Tim. He does girl push-ups for Christ’s sake. 

Like we said. Your move, Dana.

-J. Jones

Tim Sylvia is a desperate man, ladies and gentlemen. A couple of weeks ago, he released a video in which he claimed he could beat eighty percent of the heavyweights in the UFC. He went on to blame the UFC’s need to fill cards as the reason guys like Joey Beltran, Chrisitan Morecraft, and Stefan Struve were still employed. Because, as we all know, Abe Wagner, Ray Mercer, and Mariusz Pudzianowski are the heavyweight contenders the UFC is missing out on. To no one’s surprise, Dana White did not take the bait.

Then, “The Maine-iac” caught part of The Shawshank Redemption on TBS one night and came up with a plan: continue to release videos week after week until he received his metaphorical library full of books. It’s gotten bad, folks. So bad, in fact, that Sylvia is now enlisting the help of The UG (hey, it works for some people), offering to let one of his followers corner him in his UFC return match, whenever that may come. DW caught wind of all this, and proceeded to crush Sylvia’s dreams outright before they ever gained any steam, stating the following:

I have no beef with Tim Sylvia whatsoever, I have nothing against the guy, but I say it all the time: that was when the division was the weakest, when he was champion. And for him to make a statement like he could come back and beat 80-percent of the fighters in the UFC? The last time I saw him, he got knocked out by a 50-year-old boxer in like 10 seconds. Him and Arlovski were knocking each other out every weekend.

By Shawshank terms, Tim Sylvia just received another month in the hole. Or are we being too obtuse?

In either case, the former UFC Heavyweight Champ and Depend’s spokesperson inevitably heard The Baldfather’s criticisms, and was quick to retort. Well, probably not too quick:

(Incredible falling tree knockout of the day, via Reddit MMA)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere…

- UFC on FX 2 Open Media Workout Photos Gallery for ‘Alves vs. Kampmann’ in Australia (MMA Mania)

- Manager: Frankie Edgar Wants Ben Henderson Rematch, Not A Move To Featherweight (MMA Convert)

- Georges St-Pierre Gets Schooled in Japanese Martial Arts (The Fight Nerd)

- Forgotten Champion: Tim Sylvia’s Desperate Ploy to Get Back in the UFC Octagon (BleacherReport.com/MMA)

- King Mo Back In The Hospital In Severe Condition (FightLine)

- Dan Henderson Has Harsh Words for Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson (5th Round)

- Todd Duffee vs. Neil Grove Booked for Super Fight League 2 (MiddleEasy)

- UFC Japan: A Wonderful Show & A Pyrrhic Victory? (Fight Opinion)

- Pat Healy: The Road to Columbus (Five Ounces of Pain)

- Miesha Tate vs. Ronda Rousey: Greatest Hits (Lowkick.Blitzcorner.com)

- UFC 144: Payout Perspective (MMA Payout)

(Video courtesy of YouTube/RootsofFight)

-  It’s Time for More Thursday TV Captures (WorldWideInterweb)

-  Epic Robbery Fail At Rotterdam Bar (BREAK)

-  19 Sports Illustrated Cover Girls With Hollywood “Careers” (ScreenJunkies)

-  Debriefing: Anonymous (MadeMan)

-  Don King Uses “Wetbacks” To Refer To Mexicans (TuVez)

-  Zdeno Chara Takes a Puck to the Face (BuzzerBeat)

-  Alcohol and the Brain: Become a More Creative Thinker (AskMen)

-  The 6 best MTV Shows Nobody Remembers (Clutch.MTV)

-  Top 5 Reasons Your Twitter Marketing Fails (TheRugged)

-  Gary Busey May Be Bankrup, But He’s Sill Rich in Bull’s Heads, Moccasins and Tambourines (FilmDrunk)

-  Michael Jordan Birthday Tribute Song (TerezOwens)

-  Tim Sylvia on UFC Hopes, Lesnar Bullying, Kongo, Struve and Fatherhood (FightersOnly)

-  The 10 Most Dubious Records in MMA (BleacherReport)

-  Paddy Moore MMA Workout (MuscleProdigy)

- In MMA’s War on Drugs, Some Experts Say We’re Not Fighting the Right Battles (MMAFighting)

(Igor Vovchanchyn vs. Francisco Bueno @ PRIDE 8, 11/21/99. Josh Barnett makes the tree-analogy at the 0:41 mark.)

Edson Barboza‘s spinning heel-kick knockout of Terry Etim at UFC 142 wasn’t just an instant-classic because of the technique itself — it was also unforgettable because of the devastating effect it had on Etim, who stiffened up and toppled straight to the mat in slow motion like a felled spruce. The “falling tree” knockout is a rare, brutal moment in combat sports that always gets a rise out of fans. Here are nine of our favorite examples from MMA fights, in no particular order.

(Edson Barboza vs. Terry Etim @ UFC 142, 1/14/12)

Spoilers after the jump, along with the Fedor/Ishii fight, the Sylvia/Le Banner “fight,” and the bantamweight tournament final match between Bibiano Fernandes and Antonio Banuelos.

(“Josh, quit squeezing. I’m gonna shit my pants.”)

On the bright side, DREAM promoters have managed to secure a replacement opponent for Tim Sylvia following the visa denial of Brett Rogers. Unfortunately, “The Maineac” will now appear on the fake fighting portion of the card when he takes on kickboxing legend Jerome LeBanner in a pro wrestling match.

Sylvia will join fellow former UFC heavyweight champion and avid wrestling fan Josh Barnett, who will take on Suzuki Hideki in DREAM’s version of the squared circle.

(I see trouble a brewin’ on the horizon.) 

Given their frequency within the sport, we oft discuss the rematch here at CagePotato: we’ve mentioned a few that we’d like to see, we’ve mocked the possible occurence of others, and we’ve even gone as far as to predict how future ones would go down. And with 2011 featuring over 10 in the UFC alone, we decided to take a look back at at a year that both showcased and disgraced the awesomeness that is the rematch. Join us on this trip down memory lane, won’t you?

The Ones We Needed to See 

#5 – Anderson Silva vs. Yushin Okami at UFC 134

(Silva v. Okami, though this image could be from just about any of Silva’s fights.) 

Why it had to happen: Because the first fight marked the last time Silva had lost…at anything, and even if it was by way of illegal upkick DQ, it was enough to convince some people that Okami had his number. Plus, Okami had earned his shot by this point, and we were getting pretty damned tired of debating this old issue.

How it happened: Absolute. Domination. In typical fashion, Silva toyed with Okami like he was wrestling with his 4 year old nephew, letting the audience know that the fight would end when he decided it would. A head kick that rocked Okami at the end of the first round reinforced this belief, and Silva mercifully finished him off in the second. Cut. Print. TKO.

What it proved: That, outside of Chael Sonnen, there are no threats left in the UFC’s middleweight division for Anderson Silva. As with Strikeforce women’s featherweight champion Christiane “Cyborg” Santos, Silva must journey to another weight class if he desires a true challenge. Even DW is coming around to the idea, sort of.

(Pulver for UFC HOF 2011)

On this day 37 years ago, a boy named Jens Johnnie Pulver was born into a tumultuous household in Sunnyside, Washington.

Jens escaped from the violence and psychological abuse he, his sister, two brothers and mother endured daily from his namesake father who was a hard-drinking horse jockey, by dominating on the wrestling mats on weekends. It was there that his family would pretend they didn’t have a monster waiting for them back at their house and where they would escape from the sad reality that was their home life.

11 years ago this winter Pulver picked up and made the trek from California, where he had lived since moving out in his teens, to Davenport, Iowa with only a suitcase and a bag of change. He was put up by his soon-to-be manager Monte Cox when he showed up on his doorstep to ask the powerful agent to represent him. The Cox family took him in and treated him as one of their own children, while he set up shop training out of the fabled Miletich gym alongside some of Cox’s other marquee stable fighters like Matt Hughes, Tim Sylvia and the team’s leader, Pat Miletich.

(“Well old sport, I look forward to matching skills with you in the chain link-enclosed competition area.”)

According to a report from the Apple Valley Patch, Brett Rogers could land himself back in the clink if he breaches any one of his several probation requirements when he is released from jail later this month.

Most notably, “Da Grim” is forbidden from participating in “assaultive or intimidating behavior toward anyone,” which means that telling his upcoming DREAM opponent Tim Sylvia that he was going to “hurt, maim, or kill” him would be contrary to the terms of his release.

(Will justice be served to Rogers by Sylvia?)

Well, our hunch about Brett Rogers fighting on DREAM’s New Year’s Eve card was right.

According to a report by Heavy.com, the former Strikeforce heavyweight and convicted wife abuser will travel to the Land of the Rising Sun to take on former UFC heavyweight champ and current part-time Illinois police officer Tim Sylvia.

(Monson when he fought Tim Sylvia for the UFC HW title)

Longtime Mixed Martial Arts fans are very familiar with ‘The Snowman’ Jeff Monson. He made his name as a Division 1 wrestler for Oregon State University, made his professional MMA debut in 1997, and has been a dominate force in the submission grappling world for many years. He has fought for every major MMA organization and one of the few fighters in the world to have fought on all corners of the globe. Back in 2006, fresh off a decision loss toTim Sylvia for the heavyweight title he requested a release from the UFC with intentions of one day facing Fedor Emelianenko. Negotiations fell through and the fight never happened until now.

Fedor vs. Monson will be held on Russian soil under the M-1 Global banner on November 20th 2011. Jeff took time out of his day to speak to the Lowkick.com about his upcoming fight with Fedor, the future of Strikeforce, tattoos and the idea of an epic battle between him and the ancient Roman emperor Julius Caesar. No holds are barred from this interview and this is a must read for fans of one of the most interesting people in Mixed Martial Arts.

You’ll be facing one of the greatest fighters in the history of the sport when you go to Moscow, Russia to face Fedor Emelianenko. What have you been working in your camp to ensure victory on November 20th?
His standup is up is probably one of his greatest assets. I’ve been doing a lot of striking in my camp. In the past I didn’t really feel confident in it, but now we’ve been working on it and I feel much better in it.

With the recent allegations aimed at former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky, the sports world has been thrown into a bit of chaos in the past few weeks. The story, which has undoubtedly tarnished the legacy of not only the college itself but also its legendary football coach Joe Paterno, is one of the most shocking and disturbing events to surface in the history of competitive sports.

Amidst the scandal coach Paterno had announced that he planned to retire at the end of the season, but it turns out Penn State had other, more immediate plans in mind. And though Sandusky’s fate has yet to be determined, we can only hope that it involves Pinhead levels of torture. Unfortunately the sad fact is, it often takes a wrongdoing such as Sandusky’s in order to open our collective eyes to the world around us and take action to try and ensure that it never happens again. It is with this in mind that we bring you ten of the biggest skeletons in MMA’s closet.

Whether or not we’ll actually try to do anything but mock them is yet to be determined.

Check out ten of the dirty little not-so-secrets of MMA’s past after the jump.

Fans slept through the first 899 seconds of the bout, and Fulton through the last one.

MMA fans are quick to dismiss a card that lacks a lot of star power, but sometimes those events come through with exciting fights and lightning quick stoppages. This is not one of those times. It’s one thing when a surly blogger talks a little trash about an event, but when the organization’s announcer tweets that he’s falling asleep mid-bout and the promoter jokingly agrees you know that the card didn’t even live up to whatever low expectations you may have had for it.

While their first show back from exile was largely a success, ProElite took a gamble last night and lost by focusing their attention on heavyweights. When a mere pair of heavyweight fights can mar an otherwise enjoyable UFC card, the odds of twelve second-and-third-tier big boys delivering a memorable night of fights for ProElite seemed unlikely.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/ProElite)

ProElite today named the participants of the second bracket of its planned heavyweight grand prix and there’s a pretty good chance you won’t recognize the names on the list.

Contrary to popular belief and ads that inferred as much, the tournament will not include former UFC heavyweight champions Andrei Arlovski and Tim Sylvia. According to the press release sent out by Stratus Media Group, the tournament will be structured similarly to Strikeforce’s Challenger Series in that the “up-and-coming’ winner will earn a shot at an upper-main card slot on a future event.

(And here we have Andreas Kraniotakes slugging the crap out of someone.)

Due to an arm injury suffered while training in Holland, Pedro Rizzo will no longer be able to meet Tim Sylvia in the main event of ProElite 2 (November 5th; Moline, IL). Stepping up on short notice against the Maine-iac will be Andreas “Big Daddy” Kraniotakes, a 12-4 heavyweight from Germany whose wins have all come by stoppage.

Sylvia vs. Kraniotakes will be just one of six heavyweight fights on ProElite 2′s beefy main card. In addition to the main event and the Andrei Arlovski vs. Travis Fulton co-headliner, the card will host the opening round of a heavyweight tournament featuring prospects from around the country. (Swagger-jackin’ Bellator, ‘eh guys?)

As confirmed on Inside MMA last night, ProElite has signed a multi-fight, multi-year television deal with HDNet, and the November 5th event will be aired live on the cable network. The current lineup of “ProElite 2: Big Guns” is after the jump…

(Which one is the dead horse?)

CagePotato.com has learned that ProElite’s second show under its new ownership and management will happen November 5 at the iWireless Center in Moline, Illinois. Although no announcements have been made regarding the event, which is tentatively dubbed “ProElite II” or the show’s fight card, according to a published report,  former UFC heavyweight champions Tim Sylvia (29-7) and Andrei Arlovski (16-9) are both verified to be on the card, only not against each other just yet.

ProElite had originally planned to hold its next show back in Hawaii, but evidently decided that Illinois was a better fit, considering Arlovski lives and trains two hours west of Moline in Chicago and Sylvia is a part-time police officer in Milan, less than 15 minutes away from the venue.

According to the report, Sylvia will be taking on another former UFC champ instead, Pedro Rizzo in the show’s main event and Arlovski will square off with journeyman fighter Travis Fulton (247 – 48 – 10 1 NC ).

(Eder Jones wins fight, loses pie-eating contest.)

This Friday marks the official start of Autumn, and like clockwork, I’m catching a goddamned cold. There’s something about the change of seasons that seems to wreck my immune system, which has grown frail due to a life of solitary blogging and poor hygeine. So as I chug my Airborne/orange juice cocktail, let’s all take inspiration in these six men, who were way worse-off than I am now, and still managed to kick ass.

GEORGES ST. PIERRE
vs. Thomas Denny @ UCC 12, 1/25/03

Method of victory: TKO (cut), 4:45 of round 2
In his own words: ”I took the fight and I was really sick. I was so sick, after the first round I thought I was going to fall unconscious. And I told my cornerman, I’m like, listen, when the second round will start I will try a high kick in the beginning and if I don’t knock out my opponent, I want you to throw the towel. My cornerman look up at me like this, he said ‘Georges, I don’t have a towel, you’re gonna die in the ring.’

And I got so angry, I was like, I can’t believe this guy, he’s supposed to be my friend, he wants me to die in the ring. So I stood up, I hear the [bell], I fought through it, and by some kind of miracle I was able to cut the guy and to TKO him and the referee stopped the fight. I was completely exhausted. That was my toughest fight.”

(Steve Ramirez vs. Darvin Wattree @ Pure Combat IX. This is how you do it, folks.)

To turn somebody’s lights out with one shot is a thing of beauty — but to do it with the very first strike you land? That puts you on a whole ‘nother level of awesomeness. Our favorite first-punch MMA knockouts continue after the jump. Condolences to those brave, unfortunate souls who went through eight-week training camps just to get assed-out in less than 10 seconds.

(First-punch knockout, cheap-shot-style. The YouTube description tells us that these guys are cousins. Now that’s country.)

Fight Tour’s answer to the UFC’s Harley bonus. (Pic: AftermathMMA.com)

Two former UFC vets trying to climb their way back into the big leagues stepped up one minor, insignificant rung this weekend. What both fighters really need right now is a string of victories, so the names of the men they faced aren’t as relevant as the wins themselves, which is fortunate because you’ve never heard the names of the men they defeated.

Former UFC champion Tim Sylvia took a break from bustin’ perps to climb back into the cage at last night’s “Fight Tour” card. Momentarily standing across the cage from him was Patrick Barrentine, a 9-6 submission specialist. Barrentine took the fight on three weeks notice after a two year hiatus from competition, so he may not have come into the fight as sharp as he would have liked. MMAGoss.com gave a quick recap of the fight, which saw “The Maine-iac” dump Barrentine to the canvas and end the fight via ground and pound in just under three minutes. This was Sylvia’s first fight back since his quick loss to Abe Wagner at Titan FC.

Sean McCorkle made it to the UFC with a big win streak and an even bigger mouth. Though his trash talking abilities do little good when no one’s listening, he did put his experience to good use as he dispatched Alex Rozman on Friday night at “Legends of Fighting 48: Mega”. I’m not certain how much notice Rozman had for the fight, but with a 1-13 record he could have been notified at birth and still not have stood much of a chance in this fight. Just 1:29 into the bout, Rozman tapped out to strikes for the second bout in a row (and third time in his last four fights). This marks McCorkle’s second straight victory since being cut from the UFC following his guillotine loss to Christian Morecraft.

He made his bones knocking out palookas in the Toughman circuit in the ’90s, before transitioning into an MMA career where he was usually matched up against other oddly-shaped fighters. But now that he’s older and wiser — and still enormous — all Butterbean wants to do is protect and serve. That’s the premise of a new reality series called Big Law: Deputy Butterbean, which premieres August 9th on the Investigation Discovery channel.

The show follows Eric Esch (aka Butterbean, King of the Damn Four-Rounders) and his partner Deputy Adam Hadder as they patrol the streets of Jasper, Alabama, tracking down crystal meth labs and unsanctioned rib-eating contests. Will the 400+ pound ‘Bean be forced to scale a chain-link fence during a pursuit? Will Steven Seagal come in for a guest-spot? These are serious questions that need to be asked now.

When reached for comment, Tim Sylvia cried “What about meeeeeeeeeeee??” Anyway. You guys gonna watch this crap or what?

By Jason Moles

“We the people of CagePotato.com, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Bans, insure comments section Tranquility, provide for the common noob, promote the general Lack of Welfare, and attempt to secure the Blessings of Dana to ourselves and our readers, do ordain and establish this Comparison of fighters and fireworks for the Potato Nation.”

There are plenty of MMA fighters out there who love to bring the pyrotechnics to the cage, lighting up their opponents for the enjoyment of the fans and the pleasure of a paycheck. In honor of Independence Day weekend — and our new friends at Wild Turkey — here’s a list of actual 4th of July fireworks that remind us of some well-known scrappers. Celebrate safely, and please try not to lose any fingers.

Snap-n-Pops (aka bang snaps, snappers, or whip’n pops): Corey Hill, Jason MacDonald, Razak Al-Hassan, Tim Sylvia

Call ‘em what you want, these small novelty fireworks are perfect for youngsters. You throw them against a wall, floor, or sleeping grandparent, and they make a satisfying POP! Cool, huh? It’s hard not to think of a ‘Snap-n-Pop’ and not think of these guys, whose limbs unfortunately made the same noises in their past fights.

Roman Candles: Clay Guida

Excitement. Power. Flash. Seemingly unending performance. Fun. Clay ‘The Carpenter’ Guida is more than your average firework. Hey may not blow up any doors but rest assured he’s always going to be a crowd favorite. No one has ever had a Roman Candle war or watched a Guida fight and not had the time of their life. For every colorful ball that is emitted from the candle, Guida whips his hair back and shoots in for a takedown. Regardless of what happens, they both just keep going until the final bell. When messing around with either, be careful; someone usually ends up a bloody mess.

If you missed Keyboard Warriors Monday, hey thanks. Nice to know someone actually appreciates all I do to entertain you jerkfaces. For the rest of you: hey guess what i did?

Yup, prepare yourselves for KBW #3! In the aftermath of the weekend’s Strikeforce action, Dana takes the time to address the heavyweights, evaluate their performances, and fill them in on his short terms plans. And his long term plans. Say what you will, but Big Daddy White dreams big, son.

If you are interested in 100% made up conversations between characters that are mostly fabrications, come on in and enjoy. Feel free to comment your little hands off. If you don’t like comedy … well, i’ve got nothing for you.

Why do you keep coming here again?

As always, thanks to Christopher and those jokers at WithLeather.

[RX]

(UFC 3′s Emmanuel Yarborough and Miley Cyrus: They may seem like a strange pairing at first, but then you spend some time with them together and you’re like “okay, I totally get it now.”)

By Matthew “The Fight Nerd” Kaplowitz

Japan has brought us so many great imports, be it giant robots, cartoons about ninja children dressed in bright colors (which sort of defeats the purpose of being a stealthy ninja), tentacle rape, and Pocky. Truly, their greatest offering to America has been the freak show fight. As we discussed last time, Japan was the country that legitimized the art of pitting two mismatched opponents in a ring and convincing us that this was the greatest thing since Steven Seagal invented the front kick.

If there’s one thing we Americans don’t like, it’s being shown up by a foreign land. So it was just a matter of time before an American promoter stood up and said, “You know what? I want to see a man that weighs a quarter of a ton fight a dwarf!” And that was how our first freak show fight was born. Well, not really, since we have better athletic commissions in America, but after reading this list of the “Top Ten American Freak Show Fights That Were Actually Good,” you might think otherwise. Let’s get it on!

10. Tim Sylvia vs. Wes Sims
Superbrawl 38, 12/12/04


In a rare battle between two giants, 6’ 8” Tim Sylvia stood almost eye to eye with Wes Sims, who had a two-inch height advantage over “The Maine-iac”.  Sylvia had fought another tall man, Gan McGee, the previous year at UFC 44, but this fight is far more entertaining. You would probably expect an evenly contested bout between these two, due to the height and their similarly aggressive tactics (both guys even used the same song for their entrance, go figure). For some reason that will never be known, Sims decided that he was the smaller man in this fight and would fight accordingly.

(Would James Toney have bothered to try MMA and would Dana have signed the aging boxer if this happened?)

In an effort to mix things up around here and to give you something more to do on Fridays than hide from your boss and play solitaire, we’re going to start running a weekly “What if…” Photoshop feature series to make you contemplate a bit.  The theme is simple: What could the results have been if facets of the history of the sport happened differently than they did.

If you have an idea or a ‘shop you want to submit to be featured on Friday, send it to contest@cagepotato.com.

Check out more ‘What Ifs” after the jump.

(This mean machine needs to be covered with a protective layer of blubber. Otherwise it’s just too dangerous. PicProps: Tapped Out)

Just in case you were actually starting to feel kind of bad for Tim Sylvia, there are some marvelous comments from him out on Tuesday which should remind you why you never liked the guy in the first place. Of course, by “marvelous” we mean “the sadly typical ramblings of an obese man who refuses to take responsibility for his own fuck-ups.” Turn out, Sylvia came into his fight with Abe Wagner with a hurt knee, you guys. Now it might need surgery. Nonetheless, the former UFC champ says if referee Jason Herzog hadn’t prematurely stepped in to call the fight just 32-seconds into the first round he was about to jump up and whip Wagner’s ass, bum wheel and all. 

“It was stopped way too early…It was bullshit,” Sylvia tells Five Ounces of Pain about his loss at Titan Fighting Championships last weekend. “The sad part is the ref told the promoter and my corner he was sorry because he knew he made a mistake and stopped it a little early.”

We’ll get to Herzog in a minute. First, some Breaking News: In addition to making the above obligatory excuses for his defeat, Sylvia has decided he fights better when he doesn’t show up for bouts weighing 311-pounds and looking like his body might split open like a Johnsonville brat on a hot grill.  Damn it, if only he’d known that before the fight!

(VidProps: YouTube/ZPsBackUp)

Tim Sylvia showed up at Titan Fighting Championships on Friday night looking very much like a 311-pound man who knew he had to get this over with in a hurry. Unfortunately for the rotund former UFC champ, Abe Wagner had the same idea. Both guys came out of their corners throwing heavy leather and it was Wagner – a +355 underdog despite appearing to have trained at least one day for this bout – who got to Sylvia first. He clipped the “Maine-iac” with a right hand above the eye in the early going and drove him across the cage flurrying punches (that mostly missed) before Sylvia ran out of real estate on the other side. There he was felled like a giant, flabby redwood by a left to the jaw and another right. When referee Jason Herzog jumped in to call a stop to the action, then hesitated, Wagner responded exactly as a fighter should in that circumstance: He walked away and started celebrating, creating such an awkward situation that Herzog had no choice but to wave things off.

Sylvia tried to protest the stoppage, but you could tell he was on wobbly legs. And not just because they were covered in cellulite, either.  The end came in just 32 seconds which – to answer Michael Schiavello and Frank Trigg’s question – is four seconds fewer than it took Fedor to topple Sylvia. The current part-time cop said prior to this bout that he believes police work will “help fill the void” when the time comes for him to retire from MMA. That time may be now. Fill the void, Tim. Fill it with something besides ice cream sandwiches.