(At one point, Jones tried to pull away because he thought the handshake was over, but Chael held on for like a half-second longer. It was, without question, the most challenging moment of Jones’s professional MMA career. / Photo via Getty Images)

By Matt Saccaro

The fight game isn’t just about tatted-up white guys with shaved heads hitting each other in the face. If it were, BodogFIGHT and the IFL would still be alive and kicking. Marketing /Hype/PR is a crucial aspect of the fight business — but it doesn’t always go so well.

There were times when the UFC has had stunning marketing triumphs (the whole “Zuffa created the entire MMA world and if you don’t like it you’re a butthurt Pride fanboy” shtick). But there were also times when the UFC’s efforts fell flat on their face like Rafael “Feijao” Cavalcante against Dan Henderson.

What were some of these hyped-up but obviously bullshit moments? Let’s have a look…

1. Watch Che Mills, the Unstoppable Killing Machine!

(Source: Getty)

UFC 145’s main event of Jon Jones vs. Rashad Evans was strong enough to sell a pay-per-view on. Sure, sometimes the promo made the two fighters look like jilted lovers, but we’re not gonna hate on the UFC for hyping up a title fight.

We will, however, hate on them for trying to convince fans that a squash match — Rory MacDonald vs. Che Mills — was some kind of epic duel between two young lions. There was only one prospect in that fight, and it wasn’t Che Mills.

The UFC’s inability to do anything with subtlety ruined the promos for this event, the prelims for this event, and most of the PPV portion of this event. Describing Mills as a “new, dangerous welterweight from the UK” was a gross exaggeration. The British striker was only dangerous if you were a TUF bum or if you suffered an accidental knee injury while fighting him.

During the prelims, Rogan was doing the hard sell. THIS CHE MILLS GUY IS A KILLER. HE’S A MONSTER. HE’S A BADASS. HE BEHEADED NED STARK. HE SHOT BAMBI’S MOTHER. Insane falsehoods like this littered the broadcast. Rogan didn’t stop the bullshit once the main card started, either.

We got treated with pro-wrestling-level fakeness about how Che Mills was on MacDonald’s level up until MacDonald, predictably, ran through Mills.

Thus, the only thing that got killed at UFC 145 was Mills’s career.

Since then, Mills hasn’t legitimately won a fight, unless you count Duane Ludwig’s freak injury as a legit win. Earlier this month, Mills lost via TKO to Irishman Cathal Pendred (never heard of him either) at a CWFC event in Ireland.

2. James Toney, Bane of MMA Fighters.

(It’s not a UFC fight, but you can’t talk awful title fights without at least referencing Sonnen vs. Filho II. Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

Today we’re talking about bad UFC title fights – fights that fizzled out after weeks of hype, bored even the most die-hard fans among us, and left us baffled that the winner was considered the best in his weight class. Since we’re dealing strictly with UFC title fights, notable clunkers like Ruiz vs. Southworth II (Strikeforce), Wiuff vs. Tuchscherer (YAMMA), and Sonnen vs. Filho II (WEC) are ineligible for inclusion. Also, we promise that the only appearance of the name “Ben Askren” in this column lies in this incredibly forced sentence. Read on for our picks, and please, pretty please, send your ideas for future Roundtable topics to tips@cagepotato.com.

Jason Moles

Detroit is known by many names – Motown, Motor City, and Hockey Town to name a few. None of which lend to the idea that the birthplace of the assembly line was also a mecca of mixed martial arts or a place to catch great fights on Saturday. Unfortunately, UFC didn’t care; they took the show to the Great Lakes State in 1996 for UFC 9: Clash of the Titans 2 nonetheless. Ken Shamrock and Michigan native Dan Severn were set to face off for the first world title outside of Japan, the UFC Superfight championship. However, thanks to Senator John McCain, instead seeing an exciting rematch that was sure to cover the canvas in bad blood, fans in attendance and at home watching on PPV were treated to what became known as “The Detroit Dance.” And to this day, it is regarded as one of the worst fights in the history of the sport.

(All gifs courtesy of Zombie Prophet.)

SPOILER ALERT: Despite being one of the only fighters to actually make weight yesterday, it’s safe to say that Phil Baroni’s bout with Nobutatsu Suzuki didn’t go quite as planned at ONE FC ‘Rise to Power’ earlier today.

After getting backed into the cage by a series of knees around the four minute mark of the first round, Baroni was dropped by a Suzuki right hand that appeared to put him down for the count. A few follow up punches wrote this notion home and the referee was forced to step in. Unfortunately, said ref didn’t appear to notice that Baroni’s foot was trying to break free from the rest of his leg and provided little comfort for “The New York Bad Ass,” who now falls to 15-17 in his professional MMA career. At this point in his career, Baroni should consider challenging James “Why Me?” Irvin for the right to be called the most cursed man in MMA.

Of course, Baroni wasn’t the only former UFC star to suffer a tough loss this morning…

(No, Tim, we do not know where they keep the rest of the honey. Photo via Sherdog.)

You guys, this might come as a Scanners.gif to you, but Tim Sylvia — best known around these parts as Fatty Boom-Boom — failed to make weight for his scheduled contest with Tony Johnson at ONE FC ‘Rise to Power’ tomorrow. Tipping the scales at a hefty-yet-slimmed down 271 pounds (perhaps The Maine-Iac 90 Day Weight Loss Challenge works after all!), Sylvia missed the heavyweight limit by 6 pounds earlier today. While some of you may accuse of us going after the low hanging fruit here, let us not forget that this is the same Tim Sylvia who just weeks ago was informing us of his desires to finish his career in the UFC. This is not a great start.

To be fair, Sylvia wasn’t the most egregious offender at today’s weigh-ins, not by a long shot. That dishonor would be bestowed upon Ryan “The Lion” Diaz, the 13-13 Strikeforce and KOTC veteran who had not competed in nearly three years before agreeing to face Yusup Saadulaev in a bantamweight contest. Weighing in at 144.8 pounds, Diaz surpassed the limit by nearly ten pounds. Somewhere, Anthony Johnson is eating his second straight double fudge ice cream sundae and smiling for completely unrelated reasons.

Sylvia and Diaz, along with Andrew Leone and Lowen Tynanes, will all face penalties for missing weight in the form of purse deductions, although just how much they will lose has yet to be disclosed by ONE FC officials. Thankfully, the scheduled title fights in Honorio Banario vs. Koji Oishi (featherweight) and Bibiano Fernandes vs. Koetsu Okazaki (bantamweight) will actually make it to fruition, as all four fighters successfully made weight.

The entire ONE FC ‘Rise to Power’ fight card can be purchased for just $9.99 through ONE FC’s official website. Featuring the likes of Phil Baroni, Kamal Shalorus, Masakatsu Ueda, and Eduard Folayang, the card is set to kick off tomorrow morning starting at 6:30 a.m. EST.

The full weigh-in results and a video preview of ONE FC ‘Rise to Power’ are after the jump. 

(Sure, “Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Champion” is a respectable title in its own right, but it just doesn’t carry as much weight at the Playboy Mansion, you know?) 

If there’s one thing you can say about former UFC heavyweight champion and Depends spokesperson Tim Sylvia, it’s that the SOB is persistent. Although his once successful MMA career has become little more than a series of punctuated jokes nowadays — most of which revolve around his fat, fatty, “Fatty Boom-Boom” fatness – “The Maine-iac” will simply not be denied his rightful place back in the UFC’s heavyweight division no matter how many times Dana White pisses in his cornflakes.

But the main issue preventing Sylvia’s UFC aspirations from coming to fruition is one that he doesn’t seem to realize: relevant wins. In the past few years, Sylvia has crushed a few cans (and a professional bodybuilder) in unimpressive fashion, been decapitated in 9 seconds by an aging boxer, dropped a decision to Satoshi Ishii, and been spared a loss on a loosely-defined technicality in his completely unnecessary fourth fight with Andrei Arlovski at OneFC 5. Yet despite all this, Sylvia is still holding onto the hopes that he will end his mixed martial arts career “where it started,” which for all intents and purposes is the UFC. He spoke with MMAWeekly:

I don’t know what is going to happen in the future of the UFC heavyweight division. Ideally I would like to finish out my career where it started and that is in the UFC. There’s great fights out there for me and I’d like to put on a great show for the fans on the biggest stage there is, and that’s obviously the UFC.

And who would Boom-Boom like to face in his glorious return, you ask? For starters, Frank Mir, who infamously snatched Sylvia’s title (and his arm) at UFC 48: Payback, otherwise known as the event wherein Ken Shamrock scored his last relevant win…over Kimo. But the second name on Sylvia’s hit list (just beating out Jared from the Subway commercials because “I ate a thousand of those subs and didn’t lose a fucking pound.”), might surprise you:

(And if you act fast, he’ll throw in “How to Throw a Leg Kick” for free!)

Are you a fat, nerdy MMA fan who lives with his mother and spends his time trolling the Internet? Well, obviously not, so you’ll have to play along here. But if you were overweight, and also decided that the whole “eating healthier and exercising” thing didn’t involve enough former UFC champions for your liking, then would I have a treat for you. Tim Sylvia has founded The Maine-Iac 90 Day Weight Loss Challenge, so that you can get in shape with the former UFC champion.

So what is inspiring Tim Sylvia to challenge his loyal fans? Is he trying to persuade people that fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son? Is he concerned about the rising obesity rates in our children? Believe it or not, it appears he’s doing this due to his own weight issues. I know, I can’t think of a single mean-spirited, sarcastic comment to make here, either, so let’s hear it from the former champion himself:

Some shocking news out of Brazil today, as it has been reported that UFC veteran Assuerio Silva was shot five times outside of his gym in Curitiba, Parana and is currently in serious condition at a nearby hospital.

According to multiple sources, the incident occurred on January 29th and came following a dispute with Silva’s former training partner, Robson Freitas, who had allegedly been threatening Silva for some time over issues that have yet to be disclosed. Oddly enough, Freitas has not been brought in on any charges as of this write up.

Silva is perhaps best known for his trio of UFC fights against Tim Sylvia, Brandon Vera, and Cheick Kongo between 2006-2007, all of which he suffered defeats in. Holding notable victories over fellow UFC veterans Fabiano Scherner, Alessio Sakara, and Igor Pokrajac, the 38 year-old Silva has not competed professionally since October of 2009, where he suffered a quick TKO defeat at the hands of Geronimo Dos Santos. If that name sounds familiar, it’s because Dos Santos would be the one-time UFC hopeful who was forced to pull out of his scheduled UFC 153 match against Gabriel Gonzaga when his pre-fight medical exam revealed that he had Hepatitis B. Silva also competed under the PRIDE and Jungle Fight banners, where he compiled a 6-2 record including a victory over Valentijn Overeem.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Silva and his family in this difficult time.

-J. Jones

Mirko Cro Cop VS Shinichi Suzukawa

DREAM 18 wasn’t the only Japanese MMA event on New Year’s Eve. Inoki Bom-Ba-Ye 2012 – a hybrid MMA/Pro-wrestling card – also provided the MMA community with some freak show goodness. We’ve been putting off coverage of this event until videos surfaced because frankly, when the main event features a post-prime Cro Cop vs. a disgraced sumo wrestler turned professional wrestler, well, yeah, this event can wait a few days.

The main event, Cro Cop vs. Suzukawa, proved that no matter how far past his prime he is, Cro Cop can still submit a clueless jabroni making his MMA debut. In other words, it was a decent freak show fight that played out exactly as it should have. It just wouldn’t be New Year’s Eve without a freak show fight, now would it?

The co-main event displayed Japanese judoka Satoshi Ishii fighting against what was apparently Tim Sylvia. Despite committing himself to the most explosive workout program in all of MMA, The Maine-iac showed up looking like he hasn’t even thought about training since his Arlovski fight in September, and did it ever show. Ishii took the fight by unanimous decision.

Video after the jump.

(Vince Lucero vs. Tim Sylvia at a 2010 CFX event. We’re not sure if we’ve ever seen a more pathetic ending to a fight in our lives. On second thought…) 

Like many MMA fans out there, we are of two minds when it comes to Dave Bautista. On one hand, we should be applauding the former WWE star for having the cojones to step into the cage and give a sport as laborious and intense as MMA a try despite both his age and experience level saying that he should do just the opposite. On the other hand, he represents little more than another splash in the recent wave of professional wrestlers looking to exploit a sport they have little experience in and little desire to actually further.

More often than not, guys like Bautista, Bobby Lashley, and Brock Lesnar to a degree (TO A DEGREE) are not professional fighters in the purest sense of the word; they are opportunists who crossover to MMA looking to make a decent buck and get out before they hurt themselves too badly. For if they were seriously seeking a new career path, they would logically test themselves on the amateur circuit before diving head first into a sport in which ill preparation can lead to serious health issues in both the immediate and distant future. Although their participation in MMA in turn draws legions of new fans to the sport, it also cheapens the value of what it means to call oneself “a professional fighter.” Not to get on our soapbox here, but that is a title that should be earned through hard work and dedication, not a few months of sparring and pure name value.

So when it was announced that Bautista would be debuting against a guy who was clearly picked because his name resembled a certain former UFC champion, the world reacted with a collective “ugh.” But if you think that’s bad , just wait until you hear the story that led to Bautista’s new opponent, the 22-22 Vince Lucero you were introduced to in the above video.

(The match up that launched a thousand rematches)

Last Friday we (and the rest of the known cyber MMA world) complained about Singapore MMA promotion One FC botching an otherwise solid event in the Philippines with convoluted rules relating to kicks to the heads of downed opponents. Referees somehow had to give fighters “permission” in the moment to throw kicks to the heads of their fallen opponents.

You might remember that Phil Baroni won his fight with a barrage of punches and kicks to the head of his opponent Rodrigo Ribeiro while Andrei Arlovski was penalized for kicking the head of the dropped Tim Sylvia. When the “Mainiac” could not continue, their fight was ruled a no-contest (GIFS of both fight endings here, full fight videos here).

Sunday night, a message was sent out from the OneFCMMA twitter account, hoping to set things right.

Effective immediately, ONE FC has adopted full PRIDE rules for soccer kicks.Catch ONE FC: Rise of Kings on Oct 6!

— ONE FC (@ONEFCMMA) September 3, 2012

Hmm…do we count Tim Sylvia’s weight as a high or a low?

If you didn’t get to catch One FC’s fifth event yesterday, you more than likely are under the impression that it was an event crushed by its completely preposterous stance on soccer kicks. While the soccer kick fiasco brought the sort-of anticipated fourth bout between Tim Sylvia and Andrei Arlovski to new heights of freak show ridiculousness, the show gave fans plenty of reasons to cheer and a few things to jeer as well. With videos beginning to surface from yesterday’s bouts, and no other televised MMA to look forward to tonight, let’s take some time to re-watch some of the better fights.

Unfortunately, the best fight from yesterday’s card – a lightweight slugfest between Eduard Folayang and Felipe Enomoto – isn’t available as of now. We’ll keep you posted if a video surfaces, but if one doesn’t, you’ll only have to wait until October 6 to see Folayang battle Zorobabel Moreira for the promotion’s lightweight title. Videos from the rest of the card available after the jump.

(Hey, this just means One FC will rake in big bucks for “Sylvia vs. Arlovski 5: Please, God, Make It Stop”)

By Elias Cepeda

It’s a good thing the MMA world was so excited to see the fourth meeting of Tim Sylvia and Andrei Arlovski at One FC 5: Pride of a Nation today in the Philippines, because now it might just get a fifth. The two former UFC champions were set to clash Friday near the top of the Singapore-based organization’s card, and they did, but with an unsatisfying result for fighters and fans alike, thanks to One FC’s convoluted and dangerous rules regarding kicks to the head of downed opponents.

They are legal. Sort of.

Phil Baroni won his bout earlier in the evening after effectively using kicks to the head of his opponent Rodrigo Ribeiro. However, when Arlovski landed glancing kicks to the head of Sylvia after dropping him to the mat on all fours with a punch combination, the referee called the blows illegal and gave Sylvia time to recover. When Sylvia could not, the fight was ruled a no contest. You see, One FC allows kicks to the head of a downed opponent only after a fighter is given express, in-the-moment permission by the referee. What could possibly go wrong?

(Check out GIFs of the Baroni and Arlovski finishes — as well as full results from One FC 5 — at the bottom of this post.)

Besides giving referees a strange discretion that would seem to do nothing but open up new and exciting opportunities for oversight, slip ups, and corruption, such a rule necessarily stops the action in fights and gives fighters something else to think about other than the only two things they should be — attacking their opponent and defending themselves.

Our friends at With Leather just put together an incredible/awful collection of cheesy WWF promo photos from the late ’80s and early ’90s, and as we were browsing through some of these gems while drinking our coffee this morning, we couldn’t escape the eerie feeling that we’ve seen these faces elsewhere. The same snarling mugs, the same wacky personas — it’s obvious that some of our favorite MMA fighters owe a debt to these guys. So follow us back to pro wrestling‘s golden age, and allow us to make some startling comparisons.

Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart was the original…
Hillbilly Jim was the original…
Legion of Doom were the original…
Junk Yard Dog was the original…
Ultimate Warrior was the original…
The Honky Tonk Man was the original…
Tatanka was the original…
Big Boss Man was the original…
George “The Animal” Steele was the original…

At least Tim Sylvia still has a remotely athletic physique from the chins up.

When I woke up this morning, Lafayette was beginning to take on water, a two hundred pound athlete was destroying fools in sumo wrestling, and Tim Sylvia vs. Andrei Arlovski was the most relevant fight taking place this weekend. Wait…this guy? And this guy? The most relevant fight of the weekend?! Naturally, the first thing I did was check my calendar to make sure I didn’t somehow travel back in time to 2005- as most of you did after reading that last sentence, I’m sure. Upon realizing that yes, it is in fact 2012, I said “Fuck it,” ate a gallon of ice cream for breakfast, and went back to sleep. If the rest of the universe just doesn’t care anymore, then neither do I.

Since it’s all we have to look forward to this weekend, we might as well at least try to get excited about the relatively meaningless nostalgia fight with this video of Andrei Arlovski’s open workout for the local Philippine press. Arlovski introduces himself with an enthusiastic “How’s taste my pee pee?” as he does some light drilling with Travis Browne (yes, that Travis Browne). After some basic drills, Andrei Arlovski answers some questions for the local media. The Pitbull, bless his heart, avoids an uncomfortable rape reference by saying he’s going to “play proctologist” and stick his hand up Tim Sylvia’s ass during the fight – not in a sexual way, but in an “I am beating the shit out of you and want to make this as humiliating as possible” way. He then tells the media that he plans on knocking out Tim Sylvia during the fight, a strategy we’ve seen backfire on him before. Before the clip ends, he brings things up to 2007 by shouting “THIS IS SPARTA!” while everyone laughs.
Video is after the jump.

(* Sylvia’s physique subject to change.)

Well, it had to happen sooner or later. News broke this morning that heavyweight arch-rivals Andrei Arlovski and Tim Sylvia — who previously faced each other in three UFC title fights in 2005-2006, with Sylvia winning the last two — will fight for the fourth time at ONE FC: Pride of a Nation, August 31st in Manila. Arlovski was originally slated to fight Australian bruiser Soa “The Hulk” Palelei at the event, but as Palelei tweeted to us earlier today, ONE FC wouldn’t let him fight unless he signed a five-fight contract. And as everybody knows, a Hulk needs his freedom.

Though both the Pitbull and the Maine-iac endured their share of setbacks during their post-UFC careers, both men are currently riding win streaks. Arlovski scored back-to-back knockouts of Ray Lopez and Travis Fulton while competing in ProElite last year, while Sylvia has won his last three bouts, most recently a 12-second TKO of Randy Smith. And while you might see this match as a relatively meaningless nostalgia fight, for Arlovski it’s still very, very real. As he said earlier this year:

“I would love to fight pee-pee taste…I beat him once and he beat me twice and it’s personal. He’s the only person in the word I really want to fight; really, really fight, it’d be a nasty fight. I don’t want to talk about what would happen in the fight, he’s a piece of shit and I’d just try to kick his blah blah blah.”

Will Arlovski even the score? Will Timmy take another step toward the UFC comeback that continues to elude him? Let us know what you think in the comments section, and re-watch their first two fights after the jump…

(If you were a guest on that gay Indian party bus and want to share your story, please e-mail tips@cagepotato.com.)

Thanks to everyone who submitted stories for today’s crowd-sourced edition of the CagePotato Roundtable. We’ve selected 12 tales from the pile — ranging from drama to comedy to horror — and we’ll begin with a story that comes to us from an actual pro fighter, involving one of MMA’s greatest out-of-the-cage rivalries…

Sal Woods
A few years ago I fought on the Strikeforce: Lawler vs. Shields card. While at weigh-ins I was obviously star-struck from being at Al Hrabosky’s with a room full of legends and badasses. The only guy I had the balls to say what’s up to was Nick Diaz. He was completely cool and super polite, he said hi and introduced himself to the entire table (my cornermen, shaking each one’s hand). We were just shooting the shit about how it was my first time on a big card and that I was fighting T-Wood. I was thinking this dude is nothing like the interviews I have watched.

All of a sudden he looks over and sees Joe Riggs and almost flips shit, starts telling his corner guys “there’s that little bitch right there!” Looks over a crowd of people and called Riggs a punk bitch. Then Gil and someone else walked him away/cooled him down. Proved that if Nick doesn’t like you and fights you he may fight you again in the hospital and almost again at completely different fight’s weigh-in!

Noah “Jewjifshoe” Ferreira

You guys all remember Dan Barrera from TUF 6, right? Well I met him during a math class in the Fall of 2011 and it was one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had.

(Eh, it was funnier when Roy Nelson did it. / Photo via Pro Elite)

Last night, news of a former UFC star’s long-awaited return began circulating on the Internet. Of course, I’m talking about Logan Stanton’s surprise appearance at the UFC 149 weigh-ins. In a far-less-important related story, there were also reports about ex-UFC heavyweight champ Tim Sylvia being signed to fight Daniel Cormier in Strikeforce. Since being humiliated by pudgy boxer Ray Mercer in June 2009, Sylvia has gone 7-1 in eight different regional promotions (with six wins by stoppage due to strikes), and maybe the time was right for a high-profile comeback. If you’ll recall, Cormier himself wasn’t against the idea.

Unfortunately, those reports were bullshit, as UFC president Dana White confirmed with the UG. “Long story, but yes, Tim is not with Zuffa,” White said. Sources indicate that negotiations were in fact going on, but for some reason Sylvia and Zuffa couldn’t come to terms. We’ll update you if more details come out. Cormier is still without an opponent for his September 29th Strikeforce swan song.

Hope you jerks are having a better Father’s Day than some of us.

Yesterday didn’t just provide us with depressing fights from former contenders. We also got to witness a fight from former champion Tim Sylvia and Jong Dae Kim attempt to win The Bob Sapp Challenge™. Okay, so it was still somewhat depressing. But at least you won’t feel guilty for pointing and laughing at anyone involved, so what else can you ask for?

Tim Sylvia has been making a valiant effort to win fights and get back to the UFC as of late- although the overwhelming majority of his battles have taken place on Twitter and YouTube. Fresh off of back-to-back TKO losses to Patrick Cote and dignity, Tim Sylvia decided to do his fighting inside the cage last night against Randy Smith, a thirty-eight year old journeyman who entered the bout with a 13-10-1 professional record. A can of his caliber shouldn’t last ten seconds in the cage with a former UFC champion, yet Smith defied the odds by being knocked twelve seconds into the first round.

Impressive victory over a game opponent? Not so much. Will it take our minds off of his last effort, a forgettable decision over Andreas Kraniotakes at the abysmal Pro Elite 2: Big Guns? Trick question- we’ve blocked that fight from our memories a long time ago. Low-Quality to the point of being virtually unwatchable video after the jump? You betcha.

(THIS is what intimidation looks like.) 

Let’s be honest, Potato Nation. Tim Sylvia is probably one of the most toughest motherfuckers you know. True story: While in college, I once sent a him a private video message in which I made fun of his fight with Ray Mercer, his appearance on Blind Date, and his nickname, “Fatty Boom-Boom,” for a good twenty five minutes. I’m not sure how, but the very next day, he showed up to my school, slept in my dorm room, beat the fuck out of my roommate and took his bed, then proceeded to smack all of my teachers, professors, RA’s, and deans before my very eyes.

All we’re saying is, “The Maine-iac” does not give a fuck; he simply gets shit done. And although he has yet to persuade Dana White into giving him another chance in the UFC, it looks like newly crowned Strikeforce Heavyweight Grand Prix Champion Daniel Cormier would be more than willing to offer him a fight in MMA’s #2 promotion, telling the following to Sherdog’s “Beatdown” Radio:

I think anytime you get to fight a guy that held the UFC title, it’s a big deal. If Tim Sylvia’s the guy that they put across the cage from me, then that’s the guy I will fight on that day.

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(Come on Tim, you haven’t even read the column yet. Maybe we wrote nice things about you, okay?)

Today on the CagePotato Roundtable, we’re talking paper champs — the one-and-dones and never-shoulda-beens who weren’t quite worthy of the gold around their waist. To limit our scope a bit, we’re only focusing on major MMA promotions like the UFC (including tournament champions), PRIDE (even though all their champions were awesome), Strikeforce, the WEC, and probably Bellator and DREAM as well if anybody cared enough to mention them. Joining us this week is our dear friend Kelly Crigger, the retired solider and best-selling MMA author who’s currently elevating rugby-awareness at American Sin Bin. Read on for our picks, and please, please, please send your ideas for future Roundtable topics to tips@cagepotato.com.

Jared Jones

For four months in 2001-2002, Dave Menne — the fighter who Phil Baroni famously steamrolled at UFC 39 — was the UFC’s middleweight champion. That’s right: The belt that Anderson Silva has proudly worn for the last five-and-a-half years used to belong to this guy. Menne won the title in September 2001 by beating 5-0 newcomer Gil Castillo, and went on to compile an overall record of 2-4 in the Octagon. Gentlemen, the floor is yours. Good luck.

Kelly Crigger

The worst major MMA champion of all time has to be Carlos Newton. For starters when you say your fighting style is Dragon Ball Z Jiu Jitsu to pay homage to a Japanese anime character, there’s a screw loose somewhere.

Secondly, when Newton won the UFC welterweight title, there wasn’t exactly a deep talent pool of competition. MMA was still evolving and techniques were as sound as using bubble gum on a car engine. I will admit that he beat a very experienced and talented Pat Miletich to get the strap, but that’s the lone gem in his dreadlocked crown. Today every weight class has a laundry list of accomplished fighters and an alternate list of accomplished fighters waiting in the wings in case they tweet something controversial and Mr. White fires all of them. The point is, he didn’t exactly climb a ladder of giants to get to the belt.

(Props: Amazon.com, via CP reader “joe sons balls,” who claims that he randomly came upon one of Phil Baroni‘s old fetish-modeling gigs while searching for XTC t-shirts. Sure, buddy. Your secret’s safe with us.)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere…

- Sean Sherk Planning UFC Return in 2012, But Won’t Fight ‘Some Chump Who Needs Some Fame’ (MMA Mania)

- Report: UFC Beginning to Target Consumers in Online Piracy War (MMA Convert)

- Pat Curran Talks Title Win Over Joe Warren at Bellator 60 (The Fight Nerd)

- Trouble Already Brewing on Set of TUF 15 (Five Ounces of Pain)

- Nick Diaz Might Be Retired From MMA, But His Career as a Ninja Has Just Begun (MiddleEasy)

- Jon Jones Wants Anderson Silva as a “Mentor,” Not an Opponent (Lowkick.Blitzcorner.com)

- Odds Stacked Against Frank Mir at UFC 146 (5th Round)

- Cesar Gracie Wants Penn or Pettis for Gilbert Melendez’s Next Fight (FightLine)

- Tim Sylvia Deserves Another Shot in the UFC (BleacherReport.com/MMA)

- UFC Threatens Lawsuit Against Oklahoma (MMA Payout)

- Testosterone Capitulation: The UFC, Rampage, & Fighters Only (Fight Opinion)

(“Tweet this mofo to Dana and get me a fight with Sean McCorkle.”)

After watching Tim Sylvia’s overwhelmingly unimpressive “berserker” workout today from his unlikely (read, hopeless) guerilla campaign to get back in the UFC, we were reminded of the fact that some guys (and girls), no matter how passionate they are about the sport of mixed martial arts, just aren’t cut out to be fighters. Before you shoot the messengers, Tim admits himself that he was never the best athlete or fighter, but in today’s climate, he may not even be able to be more than an undercard heavyweight in the UFC.

Whether it be physical limitations or a deficiency in the skill set department, unfortunately for even the most passionate fighters sometimes heart and size aren’t enough to carry a career.

Just ask Butterbean and Zuzulinho.

In honor of those stubborn buggers in the sport, we’ve compiled 10 videos of other people who likely won’t be inking a contract with a notable MMA organization any time soon.

Check them out after the jump.

Dana, the ball is officially in your court.

After weeks of pleading, Twitter bombing, and viral videoing, all of which yielded no results, it appears that former UFC Heavyweight champion Tim Sylvia has run out of options. We’re not even going to question whether you were ready for this; we know you’re not. His back against the proverbial wall, Sylvia decided that the only way to prove that he was truly ready for another UFC run was to release the above video, in which he unleashes the collective power of Maine-iacs worldwide in just over two minutes. I simply cannot come up with the words to describe it, so instead will rely on those of MRuss, who, after witnessing those two minutes of pure, unadulterated athleticism, set to a haunting Evanescence melody, said the following:

My wife lifts more weight than Tim. He does girl push-ups for Christ’s sake. 

Like we said. Your move, Dana.

-J. Jones

Tim Sylvia is a desperate man, ladies and gentlemen. A couple of weeks ago, he released a video in which he claimed he could beat eighty percent of the heavyweights in the UFC. He went on to blame the UFC’s need to fill cards as the reason guys like Joey Beltran, Chrisitan Morecraft, and Stefan Struve were still employed. Because, as we all know, Abe Wagner, Ray Mercer, and Mariusz Pudzianowski are the heavyweight contenders the UFC is missing out on. To no one’s surprise, Dana White did not take the bait.

Then, “The Maine-iac” caught part of The Shawshank Redemption on TBS one night and came up with a plan: continue to release videos week after week until he received his metaphorical library full of books. It’s gotten bad, folks. So bad, in fact, that Sylvia is now enlisting the help of The UG (hey, it works for some people), offering to let one of his followers corner him in his UFC return match, whenever that may come. DW caught wind of all this, and proceeded to crush Sylvia’s dreams outright before they ever gained any steam, stating the following:

I have no beef with Tim Sylvia whatsoever, I have nothing against the guy, but I say it all the time: that was when the division was the weakest, when he was champion. And for him to make a statement like he could come back and beat 80-percent of the fighters in the UFC? The last time I saw him, he got knocked out by a 50-year-old boxer in like 10 seconds. Him and Arlovski were knocking each other out every weekend.

By Shawshank terms, Tim Sylvia just received another month in the hole. Or are we being too obtuse?

In either case, the former UFC Heavyweight Champ and Depend’s spokesperson inevitably heard The Baldfather’s criticisms, and was quick to retort. Well, probably not too quick:

(Incredible falling tree knockout of the day, via Reddit MMA)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere…

- UFC on FX 2 Open Media Workout Photos Gallery for ‘Alves vs. Kampmann’ in Australia (MMA Mania)

- Manager: Frankie Edgar Wants Ben Henderson Rematch, Not A Move To Featherweight (MMA Convert)

- Georges St-Pierre Gets Schooled in Japanese Martial Arts (The Fight Nerd)

- Forgotten Champion: Tim Sylvia’s Desperate Ploy to Get Back in the UFC Octagon (BleacherReport.com/MMA)

- King Mo Back In The Hospital In Severe Condition (FightLine)

- Dan Henderson Has Harsh Words for Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson (5th Round)

- Todd Duffee vs. Neil Grove Booked for Super Fight League 2 (MiddleEasy)

- UFC Japan: A Wonderful Show & A Pyrrhic Victory? (Fight Opinion)

- Pat Healy: The Road to Columbus (Five Ounces of Pain)

- Miesha Tate vs. Ronda Rousey: Greatest Hits (Lowkick.Blitzcorner.com)

- UFC 144: Payout Perspective (MMA Payout)

(Video courtesy of YouTube/RootsofFight)

-  It’s Time for More Thursday TV Captures (WorldWideInterweb)

-  Epic Robbery Fail At Rotterdam Bar (BREAK)

-  19 Sports Illustrated Cover Girls With Hollywood “Careers” (ScreenJunkies)

-  Debriefing: Anonymous (MadeMan)

-  Don King Uses “Wetbacks” To Refer To Mexicans (TuVez)

-  Zdeno Chara Takes a Puck to the Face (BuzzerBeat)

-  Alcohol and the Brain: Become a More Creative Thinker (AskMen)

-  The 6 best MTV Shows Nobody Remembers (Clutch.MTV)

-  Top 5 Reasons Your Twitter Marketing Fails (TheRugged)

-  Gary Busey May Be Bankrup, But He’s Sill Rich in Bull’s Heads, Moccasins and Tambourines (FilmDrunk)

-  Michael Jordan Birthday Tribute Song (TerezOwens)

-  Tim Sylvia on UFC Hopes, Lesnar Bullying, Kongo, Struve and Fatherhood (FightersOnly)

-  The 10 Most Dubious Records in MMA (BleacherReport)

-  Paddy Moore MMA Workout (MuscleProdigy)

- In MMA’s War on Drugs, Some Experts Say We’re Not Fighting the Right Battles (MMAFighting)

(Igor Vovchanchyn vs. Francisco Bueno @ PRIDE 8, 11/21/99. Josh Barnett makes the tree-analogy at the 0:41 mark.)

Edson Barboza‘s spinning heel-kick knockout of Terry Etim at UFC 142 wasn’t just an instant-classic because of the technique itself — it was also unforgettable because of the devastating effect it had on Etim, who stiffened up and toppled straight to the mat in slow motion like a felled spruce. The “falling tree” knockout is a rare, brutal moment in combat sports that always gets a rise out of fans. Here are nine of our favorite examples from MMA fights, in no particular order.

(Edson Barboza vs. Terry Etim @ UFC 142, 1/14/12)

Spoilers after the jump, along with the Fedor/Ishii fight, the Sylvia/Le Banner “fight,” and the bantamweight tournament final match between Bibiano Fernandes and Antonio Banuelos.

(“Josh, quit squeezing. I’m gonna shit my pants.”)

On the bright side, DREAM promoters have managed to secure a replacement opponent for Tim Sylvia following the visa denial of Brett Rogers. Unfortunately, “The Maineac” will now appear on the fake fighting portion of the card when he takes on kickboxing legend Jerome LeBanner in a pro wrestling match.

Sylvia will join fellow former UFC heavyweight champion and avid wrestling fan Josh Barnett, who will take on Suzuki Hideki in DREAM’s version of the squared circle.

(I see trouble a brewin’ on the horizon.) 

Given their frequency within the sport, we oft discuss the rematch here at CagePotato: we’ve mentioned a few that we’d like to see, we’ve mocked the possible occurence of others, and we’ve even gone as far as to predict how future ones would go down. And with 2011 featuring over 10 in the UFC alone, we decided to take a look back at at a year that both showcased and disgraced the awesomeness that is the rematch. Join us on this trip down memory lane, won’t you?

The Ones We Needed to See 

#5 – Anderson Silva vs. Yushin Okami at UFC 134

(Silva v. Okami, though this image could be from just about any of Silva’s fights.) 

Why it had to happen: Because the first fight marked the last time Silva had lost…at anything, and even if it was by way of illegal upkick DQ, it was enough to convince some people that Okami had his number. Plus, Okami had earned his shot by this point, and we were getting pretty damned tired of debating this old issue.

How it happened: Absolute. Domination. In typical fashion, Silva toyed with Okami like he was wrestling with his 4 year old nephew, letting the audience know that the fight would end when he decided it would. A head kick that rocked Okami at the end of the first round reinforced this belief, and Silva mercifully finished him off in the second. Cut. Print. TKO.

What it proved: That, outside of Chael Sonnen, there are no threats left in the UFC’s middleweight division for Anderson Silva. As with Strikeforce women’s featherweight champion Christiane “Cyborg” Santos, Silva must journey to another weight class if he desires a true challenge. Even DW is coming around to the idea, sort of.