(Video courtesy of my Canon PowerShot.)

Bad Indian food, maybe? Check out the 0:16 mark to see him swallow it back down. Lovely.

Oh, and about Timbo’s “huge news”: Yeah, it actually was pretty huge. Here are the brass tacks:

— Tim Sylvia has left the UFC in a “mutual separation” and is officially a free agent.

— He has signed a non-exclusive contract with Adrenaline MMA (formerly M-1 Global). Between his fights with Adrenaline, events in Japan (likely referring to Sengoku and DREAM), and “the Affliction show,” he expects to fight 5-6 times per year.

— Adrenaline plans on holding its first event on June 14th in Chicago. Ben Rothwell has also signed to the organization.

— Notable Tim quote #1: “I’m out of the UFC for a couple years, and maybe I go back. I want to end my career in the UFC…Right now, this is the best thing for me.”

— Notable Tim quote #2: “There’s a guy out there named Fedor who I’d like to fight, and I think the only way that’s gonna happen is by me leaving the UFC.”

Holy crap! Can you imagine if Tim got a crack at Fedor before Randy Couture? It seems a little shocking that Dana White would let Tim leave the UFC without putting up a fight (Sylvia had one match left on his current contract), but maybe this is just an elaborate scheme to screw Randy. Dana, you brilliant asshole!

(“Look, guys…the truth is, he’s not my ‘roommate’.”)

This should be exciting for the three of you who actually subscribe to HDNet. From an e-mail sent to us earlier:

Subject: Tune in tonight for breaking news from Tim Sylvia
Body: “Inside MMA” airs tonight, March 28, at 9:30 p.m. ET, only on HDNet. This hour-long program brings you the most comprehensive MMA news. Don’t miss a minute, as this week’s “Inside MMA” will be breaking huge news in the MMA world concerning Tim Sylvia…..tune in to hear what Tim has to say!

An informed source has already confirmed to MMAWeekly that Sylvia was released from his UFC contract last week, though his manager (and M-1 Global’s former president/CEO) Monte Cox refused to confirm the split. If there’s nothing better on TV tonight, we’ll watch Inside MMA and let you know what happens. But you definitely owe us one, because that show is fucking painful.

— Our BFFs at Complex just posted an interview with Frankie Edgar, in which “The Answer” discusses entrance music, crotch rockets, being denied by The Ultimate Fighter, and unsanctioned no-holds-barred matches in the Bronx.

— Damon D (of BetUS fame) has a new sports blog called The House of Smack, and it’s kind of amazing. Learn about the relationship between UFC event names and shitty action movies, and then check out this list of balls-out hockey goalie fights.

— Frank Shamrock will be a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live! tomorrow (12:05am ET/PT, 11:05pm CT), hyping up his fight against Cung Le, which will take place the following night. Apparently, Frank will be giving MMA instruction to “Guillermo the Parking Lot Security Guard,” whoever that is. He’s also been droning on at Fightline.com for the last couple days. Where does he find the time to train?

— CombatLifestyle‘s Tracy Lee has an amazing set of photos from the WEC 33 afterparty. Doug Marshall doesn’t seem to be taking his loss too hard…

— Tomorrow, Tim Sylvia will announce that he’s leaving the UFC and has just booked a fight against Fedor Emelianenko. Well, maybe. If his “big announcement” just has to do with turkey hunting, we’re going to be very disappointed.

9. Don Frye

Full pints of 40-year-old ball-sweat have passed through the Predator’s Old Glory nut-huggers. Just seems a little disrespectful, that’s all.

8. Ken Shamrock

Watching Ken sport these old-schoolers transports us to the time we spotted the 80-year-old next door during one of her “spells.” Those are some granny panties we’ll never get out of our mind.

7. Rich Franklin

Half badass, half…pink? He earned the right to get his ass handed to him by Anderson Silva. But he was a hit at the post-fight pride parade.

Although it’s happened to countless office-drones in recent years, Tim Sylvia may be the first mixed martial artist to be fired from his job for talking shit about his boss on his blog. On Friday, he posted the following on the tim-sylvia.com forums:

i have one fight left on my contract i want to stay with the ufc but i am going to go were the money is right now Brock is making more m0ney then me that has to change i have a better name then him and i am a better fighter then him, in case u didn’t know my manager runs m1 so i have a pretty good in so we will see what happens in the next few months.

Why doesn’t it surprise me that Tim Sylvia writes like a 14-year-old mall-girl? Dude, would it kill you to throw in some punctuation? Various websites picked up on the “Tim Sylvia to leave UFC for M-1″ angle of the forum entry and quickly re-posted it. Realizing that things on the Internet tend to get around, Timbo posted the following bit of damage-control on his site yesterday:

well let me just start off by saying people r fucked up by saying that i want to leave the ufc. I dont its my home and i would love to be there for the rest of my carear. Second I didnt say i wanted or even was thinking about m1 u guys (forum users) asked about it and I told u my manager runs it thats it, so please dont take shit out of context. Some of u people are going to get me in trouble with the ufc.

See what you’ve done, you bloodsuckers? You’ve gotten Tim so hot and bothered that he’s abandoned apostrophes altogether. And spell-check? Fucking forget about it. We think that once Monte Cox patiently explained to Sylvia that M-1 is not a legitimate fight organization, but rather an elaborate front set up to promote/protect Fedor Emelianenko — and leaving the UFC for M-1 would actually be a terrible career move — the Maine-iac had an “oh shit” moment and made that follow-up post.

The fact that Brock Lesnar has a $250,000 guarantee per fight clearly bothers Sylvia. What bothers us is the fact that Sylvia seems to think his recent performances should entitle him to a raise. He isn’t popular with fans, and he’s at least a couple fights away from another title shot. Meanwhile, Brock Lesnar probably generated 20 times his salary in UFC 81 pay-per-view buys. Supply and demand — it’s a bitch, buddy.

Tim: …basically, Antonio and I are professionals, and we leave it all in the cage. There’s no hard feelings whatsoever, because bottom line, he was the better fighter than me tonight and I respect the hell out of him.
Antonio: Estou cansado, querido.
Tim: Big guy says he’s sleepy! [journalists laugh] Don’t worry, lover. We’ll be home soon.

(Photo props: Sherdog)

We like to think that the only losers in life are the people who never try. So basically, we still feel like we’re big winners despite the fact that nearly everything we claimed in our UFC 81 bonus predictions post turned out to be completely untrue. Let’s take a look at those bonuses, which were reported last night:

Amount
We said: They’d be $40,000 apiece.
What really happened: They were a record-setting $60,000 apiece. Maybe that was done to shut up all the critics who questioned the UFC’s profitability after UFC 80′s weak bonuses were doled out. Maybe the bonus amounts are determined based on geographical proximity to Las Vegas. Who freakin’ knows.

Knockout of the Night
We said: Terry Martin, or possibly Kyle Bradley.
What really happened: Kyle Bradley got annihilated in just 33 seconds by a demonically possessed Chris Lytle, who earned the K.O. bonus; Lytle’s new kamikaze style produced one of the most thrilling moments of the night, and we hope to see more of it in the future. As for Terry Martin, he lost a unanimous decision to Marvin Eastman in “Breaking Point”‘s only untelevised match. We predicted the fight would be wild and exciting; it was not.

Submission of the Night
We said: Ricardo Almeida
What really happened: Almeida did indeed submit Rob Yundt (finally, we catch a break), but Frank Mir’s leglock of Brock Lesnar was far more dramatic, and Mir picked up the 60 grand. The bonus brought Mir’s payday to a total of $140,000 when added to his $40k to-show purse and $40k win bonus.

Fight of the Night
We said: Gleison Tibau vs. Tyson Griffin, or possibly Lesnar vs. Mir.
What really happened: Three-round war? More like three-round snore. (See what we did there?) Tyson Griffin showcased his inability to finish a fight during his unanimous decision victory over Tibau, and the crowd let him know that they were not entertained. We thought Tim Sylvia and Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira would hug for five rounds, but Minotauro’s incredible comeback victory in the third was enough to score both men the $60,000 Fight of the Night bonus. Since his guaranteed fight payout is $100,000, Tim Sylvia took home $160,000 after UFC 81, edging out Frank Mir by 20 large — for losing. See, we told you these figures never make sense…

— The hype of Brock Lesnar washed over us like a dark, awesome wave.

— We ranked the members of the legendary Gracie family in order of importance.

— You bastards went all-out in the first Chuck Liddell caption contest, and three people won autographed copies of Chuck’s new book. Come back Monday and at least two more signed books will be up for grabs.

— Details started to leak about The Ultimate Fighter 7.

— We never thought we’d write the phrase “pit fighting” again, but here we are.

— We took our Power Rankings to the next level.

— The gory image of a post-fight Joe Stevenson compelled the Potato Nation to dispute the specific legalities of inserting fingers into orifices.

— What we do in life echoes in eternity. Also, a bunch of losers share a very ironic nickname.

— At the time of this posting, 39% of you think Frank Mir will beat Brock Lesnar by submission, while 38% of you think Brock Lesnar will beat Frank Mir by TKO/KO. We shall see, won’t we…

(That poor, poor woman.)

The Maine-iac on Sherdog’s Savage Dog Show:

“I’ve had sex before with the belt on. That was back in the Ricco Rodriguez days. The night I won the belt I had a sexual experience with the belt on. But hey, I was 25 years old and it was the biggest thing that ever had happened to me in my life. The girl was like hey, are you going to take that thing off. And I said no, I’m not…I’m wearing it and if you have a problem with it, then I’m leaving. And I hate to say it, but if I do win the belt again, then this time it’s never coming off. I’m going to wear it a lot more.”

You hear that, ladies who might consider sleeping with Tim Sylvia? He will bang you with his belt on. That’s a promise. As if sex with Tim wasn’t an awful enough experience, with his grating New England accent and his loose stomach that even steroids couldn’t shore up, he will let you know, at every possible moment, who the champ is.

We cannot allow this to happen again. If you have a daughter, a sister — if you have a mother — you need to know what’s at stake here. So this Saturday, we urge you to pray to your Higher Power for a victory by Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (he’s the guy that Tim will be fighting at UFC 81; I know we haven’t talked about him much, sorry). If you want to pray that Tim Sylvia stops having “sexual experiences” altogether, that’s cool too.

If you’re not convinced, just imagine Tim Sylvia taking a dump, totally naked except for his UFC belt and reading an old copy of Field and Stream. Maybe now you’ll start to appreciate the enormity of the situation…

We know we’re an MMA news site, but occasionally we like to mix it up with something funny. So here’s a list of the 12 worst tattoos in MMA for your enjoyment.
12. Rich Clementi Ignore the unfortunately placed head in this picture and focus on the tat on Rich’s right pec. Cartoony tattoos are never cool. Ever. I don’t care how tough you are, there should be laws against this sort of thing. Write your Congressman. 11. Tim Sylvia Tim Sylvia: "Dude, I’m gonna’ get a tattoo that covers 30% of my arm and shoulder!" Friend: "Really? What’s it going to be?" Tim Sylvia: "I don’t know, just the first design I see in the parlor’s portfolio. It’ll make me look like one of the cool kids." 10. Joe Riggs Tattoo Rule #1: Never get your name – or nickname – tattooed on yourself. Tattoo Rule #2: If you ignore Rule #1, don’t use giant block letters when getting said tattoo. 9. Cub Swanson I saw a cool postcard in Malibu once, but never did I consider tattooing it all over me. Appears Cub Swanson doesn’t share the same restraint as I do.

Metallica’s “Jump in the Fire” album cover.

And the cover’s inspiration, Tim Sylvia.

(Props to CagePotato reader Jim C. for the eagle eye.)

(Twin Mulletteers, Mark and Matt Hughes)

We’ve already mentioned the bitch-fest that is Mark Hughes’ autobiography, “Matt Hughes – Made in America”. If reading the tome – which was released today –  isn’t good enough for you and you just gotta’ have it signed by the recently defeated asshole author, you can find Matt Hughes at one of the following locations:

NEW YORK CITY
Monday @ 7:00 PM
Barnes & Noble #2021
2245 Richmond Avenue
Staten Island, NY 10314 7 Jan 08

NEW YORK CITY
Tuesday @ 7:00PM
Bookends
232 East Ridgewood Avenue
Ridgewood, New Jersey 07450 8 Jan 08

(Tim Sylvia-as-mongoloid sketch courtesy of tim-sylvia.com)

Perhaps trying to make himself look tough after being portrayed as a total feeb in Matt Hughes’ book, Tim Sylvia has been on a trash-talk streak lately. In Gary Herman’s post-UFC 79 column on 15rounds.com, the Maine-iac addressed Fedor Emelianenko’s decision to fight in M-1 Global rather than the UFC:

“I think he’s being a (expletive). I think Fedor is very good, but you have to fight the top level competitors all the time to keep that status, and he is just not doing that.”

(Plugging the column on Five Ounces of Pain, Herman revealed that the expletive in question was “pussy.”)

Calling Fedor a pussy is basically like spitting in the face of a member of the vory v zakone. I’d imagine an exchange like this went down before Tim dared to open his mouth…

Tim Sylvia: [knocking on Dana White's office door] Hey boss, gotta minute?
Dana White: [to self] Fuck. [to Tim] Yeah, what.
TS: Hey, yeah, you know that Fedor guy? The crazy Russian, Enemanenko or whatever?
DW: Yeah, what about him.
TS: He’ll never fight in the UFC, right?
DW: No fuckin’ way, him and his manager are dead to me.
TS: So you’re saying there’s no chance he’ll ever fight me?
DW: Fuck no, not on my watch.
TS: That’s aaaall I needed to know. Thanks boss! [leaves]
DW: [to self] Christ, what an asshole.

“Tim Sylvia walked over to me during practice. His back was hunched a bit, like Pat’s is, but Pat I could look in the face. ‘Can I talk to you a second?’ he asked.

“Sure thing.” He led me into an office and we sat down on two chairs.

“No one here’s got a problem with me except you,” he began.“When I first started, Jens would say I’m a fat piece of s*** who’s never going to amount to anything, and he’d get me crying, but now even Jens likes me. Is there a problem?”

(Charles “Chainsaw” McCarthy, lookin’ svelte!)

— Contradicting earlier rumors that Michael Bisping’s first opponent as a middleweight will be Evan Tanner, Sherdog is reporting that Bisping will face Charles McCarthy in London on March 8. Nicknamed “Captain Miserable” on the fourth season of The Ultimate Fighter, McCarthy’s last match was a submission victory over Gideon Ray in November 2006. With UFC 82 scheduled for March 1 in Columbus, this could mean that the Bisping/McCarthy bout is part of a UFC Fight Night card — or, the entire thing could be made up, which is always a possibility.

According to an interview on The Fight Network, Brandon Vera has decided to stay at heavyweight, despite Joe Silva’s advice to drop down to light-heavy after his loss to Tim Sylvia at UFC 77:

“I was like, ‘For what? I ain’t moving nowhere,’” Vera said. “Why the hell would I even think of moving [down]? I have a whole bunch of stuff to do still. I’ve got to beat Tim. I’m not going to let that one go. Our paths will cross again, I promise…To me, that wasn’t even a loss. I didn’t catch an ass whoopin’. I didn’t get beat down.”

Vera suffered a broken hand during the fight that affected him in the clinch, and required a four-hour operation and three screws to repair. He has five fights left on his UFC contract, and will be ready to fight again as early as mid-April.

Personally, I’d stay at heavyweight too if I were Vera. The UFC’s heavyweight division is an all-inclusive resort compared to the grinder known as the 205-pound division. Unless Brock Lesnar can bring in the Undertaker and The Big Show to thicken up the weight class, Vera is top ten just by showing up, and he never has to worry about shedding his love-handles. Must be nice!

— According to The Fight Network, veteran UFC ref “Big” John McCarthy will be making an “important announcement regarding his future” during a teleconference on Friday morning. John, please don’t walk away from the Octagon — now is the time when we need you the most.

— Tim Sylvia will be fighting at UFC 81, against a fighter who hasn’t been named yet. If the match isn’t against Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira for the vacant heavyweight title, UFC 81 would be the fourth-consecutive pay-per-view UFC event without a championship fight.

— Sean Sherk won’t fight in the state of California ever again. BJ Penn won’t fight Sean Sherk anywhere.

— Matt Serra will be hosting a viewing party for UFC 79 at Madison Square Garden. UFC fan club members can purchase tickets starting tomorrow, UFC.com newsletter subscribers can buy ‘em starting Friday (with the pre-sale password “SERRA”), and the general public can pick up what’s left on Sunday. The price is $30 for a general admission ticket, or $25 if you order before 12/22 — a small price to pay for the opportunity to start chants of “BRIDGE AND TUNNEL!” as soon as Serra shows up to sign autographs. With MMA competitions banned in New York state, watching a jumbotron surrounded by drunk meatheads is as good as it gets!

In his meeting with Dana White last Tuesday, Randy Couture turned down a proposed title defense against Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira at UFC 81. Most likely, Nogueira will instead face Tim Sylvia for the UFC’s vacant heavyweight title.

Man, fuck you Randy. I know it’s not totally your fault that the UFC’s heavyweight division is so thin that Tim Sylvia — a guy who nobody likes to see on fight cards — gets so many goddamned title shots. But this is not helping. You have one more fight left on your contract. One. Suck it up. Or, you can just play with your stupid little puppy all day and squander the golden years of your fighting career on an acting boondoggle, and eventually fall into obscurity. You know, whatever’s best for the fans.

According to Canvas Chronicle, Tim Sylvia will face Antonio Rodrigo “Minotauro” Nogueira at UFC 81 for the vacant heavyweight title. Feel free to harass the Chronicle’s editor Ric Gillespie (ric@canvaschronicle.com) until the bastard reveals his source.

UFC.com has reported that ex-WWE star Brock Lesnar’s first opponent in the UFC will be former heavyweight champion Frank Mir; the fight will go down on February 2 in Las Vegas. Mir is best known for his controversial June 2004 title match against Tim Sylvia, where referee Herb Dean stopped the fight 50 seconds into the first round after Sylvia’s forearm snapped in an armbar. Sylvia didn’t tap out, and refused to acknowledge that his arm was broken:



Mir was badly injured in a motorcycle accident three months after winning the heavyweight belt, and has been 2-2 since then. Still, he’s an ideal matchup for Lesnar; as much as fans want to see Lesnar challenged in his first fight, they also don’t want to see him steamrolled by a superstar at the top of his game. And Mir, who has scored six of his ten professional wins by submission, will certainly put Brock’s wrestling skills to the test. I’m not prepared to make a prediction at this point, so instead I’ll present my favorite paragraph from Tim Sylvia’s wikipedia page:

“Despite having been the UFC heavyweight champion and earning six-figures per fight, Tim Sylvia is always seeking new sources of revenue. While champion, he attempted to sell a Playstation 3 on eBay for well over retail price (although he did generously offer to autograph the box.) He also once, while still UFC heavyweight champion, raffled off the opportunity to go bear hunting with him in Ontario…tickets were $100 each, and ticket sales were limited to 100. This adds up to $10,000. There was nothing in the raffle to indicate that the money would go to any sort of charity, or to anyone other than Sylvia himself.”