You can add Tim Sylvia’s name to the list of MMA fighters who were displeased with the decision in UFC 86′s Forrest Griffin-”Rampage” Jackson title fight. In a new interview with the Baltimore Sun’s MMA blog Sylvia calls for MMA judges to be certified every year in order to justify their privileged position at cageside:

MMA Stomping Grounds: If you could change anything about the sport, what would it be?

Sylvia: There’s a couple things. I would like to see knees and foot stomps allowed on the ground and I would like to see all the judges go to classes and get certified and have to re-certify every year. Just like fighters have to apply for licenses. I think judges have to take classes and know more about MMA. You can’t just have boxing refs judge doing MMA. It’s not working and fighters are getting screwed because of it.

[...]

MMA Stomping Grounds: What did you think about the decision in the Forrest Griffin-Quinton Jackson fight? Did you think Griffin won?

Sylvia: No, I didn’t. I love Forrest, he’s a great guy and they are both good friends of mine, but that’s why I was talking about judges. I really believe Forrest won round two and I believe he won five, and Quinton dominated the first round — maybe a 10-8 round — and won rounds three and four 10-9, but judges just weren’t educated enough in MMA.

Certification is an interesting concept. I’d love to see what Big Tim would come up with as a test for MMA judges to take. I’m guessing it would look something like this:

(LOFL!)

— Brock Lesnar has brought in seven-time BJJ world champion Rodrigo “Comprido” Medeiros to help out with his ground game in preparation for his match against Heath Herring at UFC 87 (August 9th, Minneapolis). Lesnar by flying cockswordplata?

— UFC: Silva vs. Irvin is now officially listed on UFC.com’s events page, while UFC 88 (September 6th, Atlanta) has been dubbed “Breakthrough”; no matches are listed yet other than the Liddell/Evans headliner.

— Fightline.com reports that Jared Shaw has confirmed Kimbo Slice and Brett Rogers will fight in October. The fight will “more than likely” take place on CBS. A Nick Diaz/KJ Noons match is being discussed as a co-main event for the same card.

— Affliction: Banned will feature a performance by Megadeth (!), who will be rockin’ out at key points throughout the event. Hopefully that means they’ll be playing the end of “Peace Sells” during Fedor’s ring entrance, and then “Killing Is My Business” during the main event fight itself.

— A “Japan and South Korea friendship event” called Kakutougi Taikai GLADIATOR has been scheduled for August 16th in Okayama, Japan, featuring a headlining bout between crusty American legend Don Frye and Japanese middleweight Ikuhisa “The Punk” Minowa, aka “Minowaman.” Minowa is no stranger to freak show bouts, as he already holds wins over Paulo Cesar Silva, Eric “Butterbean” Esch, Bum Chan Kang, and Phil Baroni.

(Do not do a Google Image Search for “Patrycja Mikula” unless you want to see this woman naked.)

When I was skimming through the coverage of Saturday’s Adrenaline MMA show — Russow submits Guida, Terry Martin gets repeatedly kicked in the nuts, yada yada — I saw a mention of Tim Sylvia being spotted with Andrei Arlovski’s ex-girlfriend. At the time I didn’t think much of it, assuming that the X-GF in question was some skank that Arlovski dated before Patrycja Mikula (the lovely nude model who we’d previously featured here). Dude, no. Arlovski and Mikula are apparently dunzo, and the Maine-iac, in the words of Sir Mix-a-Lot, pulled up quick to retrieve it. Steve Cofield reports:

Word out of Chicago this weekend says Arlovski got the ultimate kick in the groin when arch-rival Tim Sylvia was seen hanging with the Russian’s old flame Patrycja Mikula. Sylvia was attending the Adrenaline MMA show at the Sears Centre in Arlovski’s backyard.

Is this a WWE-style ploy to build to a fourth Sylvia-Arlovski fight? The angle has ‘Chris Benoit stealing Kevin Sullivan’s wife, Woman’ written all over it.

Is Mikula actually smitten with the 6-foot-8 ‘Maine-iac’ Sylvia? Or is she using poor Tim as a pawn to get back at her old boyfriend? And is it cheesy for Sylvia to be scooping up Arlovski’s leftovers? …

Sylvia’s tryst with Mikula was confirmed by solid Miletich Camp sources, who said the Playboy model is simply a ‘wallet and belt chaser.’

I like the idea of this being Monte Cox’s retardo-crafty ploy to get people interested in Sylvia/Arlovski IV under the Adrenaline banner. If not, I just hope that for the sake of Ms. Mikula, the WAMMA belt doesn’t have any sharp edges.

(Props: FightOpinion)

Dude, how slick is this? I didn’t care about Mike Whitehead until just now, when I learned that he enjoys head-butting through glass. They may have spelled “Lindland” wrong, but Josh Barnett’s classic throat-slashing thing and the voice of Michael Buffer more than make up for it. Whatever you’re selling, we’ll take two!

(Props: MMAScraps)

(Could this tragedy have been avoided?)

“I fought in Canada two weeks ago versus a Canadian. So that big 22,000-people crowd was booing my name. How would you feel about that? It was awful. If I fought the same guy in Madison Square Garden things could’ve been different.” — Matt Serra, addressing New York state legislators yesterday.

Racked with guilt over Serra’s loss in Canada and moved by his eloquent oratory, the New York State Legislature declared that the ban on MMA competition would be lifted immediately; furthermore, MMA would henceforth be recognized as New York’s official sport, and May 6th would be known as “Matt Serra Day.”

No, not really. But the UFC is making a heavy push to get New York to fall in line with the other 32 states that now sanction MMA competition in the U.S., sending Serra, Matt Hamill, and Zuffa’s Executive Vice President/general counsel Lawrence Epstein to plead their case in Albany. “We need to educate people about the sport and I think when people have certain perceptions, when confronted with evidence, those perceptions change,” said Epstein, who cited MMA’s increased safety measures since the sport was banned in New York eleven years ago by Governor George Pataki. The UFC lobbyists were also eager to point out the economic incentives enjoyed by UFC host cities, claiming that UFC 82 generated over $11 million in revenue for Columbus, Ohio.

So was their trip a success? Epstein had this to say:

“We’re battling everyday and I think we’ve come a long way, and you know there are always going to be those who don’t investigate this or look at it as deeply as we’d like them to. I guess we will continue to have that, but I think we’re over the hump.”

(Props: FightOpinion)

(“We’re here to pick up your daughter.”)

No, it won’t be a re-match of their BodogFight brawl — on Friday, Fedor Emelianenko announced on his website that he would indeed be facing Tim Sylvia on July 19th in the United States, a match that was somewhat called into question when Vadim Finkelchtein started going on about unsigned contracts. Fedor also claims he’ll be fighting in October (date/location/opponent TBA) and New Year’s Eve in Japan (opponent TBA).

Matt Lindland added another piece to the puzzle during HDNet’s SportFight XXII broadcast on Friday night, confirming that he’ll also be competing on the July 19th card, and that it will take place in Dallas under the Affliction banner. Though an opponent for Lindland has yet to be named, The Law named Murilo Bustamante (who choked out Lindland at UFC 37) and David Terrell (who knocked out Lindland at UFC 49) as guys he’d like to fight. According to FiveOunces, Andrei Arlovski, Josh Barnett, Ben Rothwell, and Aleksander Emelianenko are rumored to be fighting on the Affliction card as well.

In unrelated fight-booking news, Frank Trigg has denied earlier reports that he’s signed to participate in DREAM’s middleweight tournament. Said Trigg:

“I haven’t heard anything from [DREAM] in about a week and a half. We started talking about a month ago, but lately, there’s been no communication…We have no contract, and we have no numbers we’re even close to agreeing on. Like I mentioned on TAGG, my wife is very pregnant and can’t fly. She’d miss the whole tournament, and that’s a big deal to take a fight without her there by my side.”

From Complex.com:

Complex: Tim Sylvia caught a lot of flack during his heavyweight reign. Do you think you guys finally have a common ground to stand on now when it comes to haters?
Matt Serra: Please, never put me in the same sentence with that big retard ever again.

[golf clap]

(Tim Sylvia flashes gang sign to warn the other bear cubs at what’s comin’.)

This pic of Big Tim posing with his most recent “kill” has caused a little stir among the forums — some hating him even more, some saying ‘so what?’, and the rest using this to lift Fedor to some loftier humane level. Somehow Fedor has been pulled into this, I guess due to his possible fight with Sylvia this summer. Now trust me, I relish mocking The Maine-iac almost as much as I relish binge drinking, but we also have to remember that Fedor enjoys occasionally munching on Fido. You’ll recall when it first hit the news a couple of years ago on Fedor’s trip to South Korea — and it’s a dish he still partakes in.

Apparently, Korean dog soup (“posintang”) is good for improving your stamina. And it’s finger-lickin’ good as a bonus:

“It’s unique. It tastes different from other meats,” Emelianenko was quoted by Yonhap News Agency.

No word if Big Tim ate the bear, but we hear bear meat is nature’s Metamucil. If dog soup’s more your thing, go here for the full recipe. It only requires 100g of boiled dog. I’ve often wondered what my dog, Max, would taste like between two slabs of rye, but I’ll take Fedor’s word for it and stick with caffeine for my stamina.

(Props BloodyElbow)

(Comes complete with cauliflower ear and courtroom-ready business suit.)

— Randy Couture has weighed in with his thoughts about the not-yet-official fight between Fedor Emlianenko and Tim Sylvia:

“…we’ll see what happens. I think it’s going to be an interesting fight. Fedor just fought a pretty tall opponent in Hong Man Choi, so obviously he’s been in that mode of dealing with a guy that size, but I think Tim is a little more seasoned fighter than Hong Man has proved to be. But Hong Man wasn’t easy so it will be interesting to see how Emelianenko deals with him and a pretty good indicator for me, having just fought Tim this last year, as to where I stand and how things might go if I finally get the chance to fight Fedor.”

How hard was it for Randy to swallow this one down? He’s spent the past few months in a battle of words and lawsuits after leaving the UFC mainly so he could be the one to fight Fedor. Now Big Tim is allowed to leave the UFC and almost immediately starts negotiations to fight the Russian heavyweight. Dana White gets to sport his devilish grin for another day…

— The Natural’s wife — fresh off her first MMA win — chatted with FightHype about her win, her future in MMA, and her husband’s future in MMA. But she also attempts to make us feel sorry for her because she has to shoulder the cross of the Couture name.

“I think it would probably be cool to go through this experience without the last name Couture.”

We look forward to the comments from Potato reader, Kim Couture is a c***.

— Chris Leben visited “The Lights Out Show” recently and mentioned a couple of dudes he wants to step into the cage with:

“We’re talking to Joe (Silva – UFC Match Maker), and we’re starting to look for a fight. If you win 4 or 5 fights in a row, you’re pretty much guaranteed a title shot, so I figured maybe Okami or Bisping would be a fun fight for me.”

Would another fight with Anderson Silva turn out any differently than his last meeting with the middleweight god? Of course not. But we’d be into both Okami and Bisping — and wins over both wouldn’t be something the UFC could ignore. Leben is 18-4 overall, but is 3-3 since he met Anderson Silva in the summer of ’06. He’s got two wins in a row and if he needs 4 or 5 W’s in a row, that’d probably put him in line for a title shot sometime next year. Provided he doesn’t get KTFO by his drunken friends first.

Man, that joint could use a serious maid service.

(“We just think this is a smarter fight for Fedor right now.”)

In a comment released through his website M1MixFight.com, Fedor Emelianenko’s manager Vadim Finkelchtein dumped a bucket of cold water directly onto the balls of everyone who started breathing heavy at yesterday’s report of an imminent Fedor/Maine-iac match:

“At the moment we can’t certainly say the bout will take place come July because the contract is not signed. However, the both parties are involved in the negotiation process and we are about to break the finishing tape although we haven’t come to an agreement concerning every detail as of yet”

Vadim, I swear to God, if you fuck this up. Of course, the details they’re still hashing out likely have to do with money and the ring-vs.-cage thing. But the thought of Vadim playing hardball in negotiations when Fedor finally has the chance to face a top-ten heavyweight outside of the UFC is completely infuriating. For all of Finkelchtein/Echteld’s efforts to protect Emelianenko’s value (i.e., ensure he doesn’t take fights he can lose), they don’t seem to realize that Fedor’s value drops further each month that he doesn’t face credible opponents. You gotta give a little, guys! For the record, MMAPayout is reporting that Emelianenko has already been offered over $2 million per fight from Affliction.

But Finkelchtein’s statement wasn’t the only interesting bit posted on M1MixFight this week…

(“Yaaaaaaaaay!”)

Sherdog breaks it:

Top ranked heavyweight Fedor Emelianenko will fight Tim Sylvia on July 19. The Russian mixed martial arts champion confirmed the bout to Sherdog.com on Tuesday.

“[Sylvia] is a good fighter, a strong fighter, the former UFC heavyweight champion, which is important,” Emelianenko said via telephone from Stary Oskol, Russia. “I am looking forward to fighting him and training hard for this fight.”

While Emelianenko was short on details, Sherdog.com has learned through sources close to the negotiations that Fedor-Sylvia would headline a card tentatively scheduled for the American Airlines Arena in Dallas, the home base of HDNet Fights.

HDNet Fights CEO Andrew Simon declined to comment on the report, however sources indicate the bout will air on the Mark Cuban-owned network and is rumored to be promoted by Affliction, a clothing brand closely tied to MMA.

Emelianenko hasn’t faced an elite-level heavyweight since Mirko Filipovic at PRIDE Final Conflict in August 2005; we can’t wait to see where his skills currently stand, and if he really deserves to top our HW rankings. An interesting side-note to this booking is Monte Cox, who recently parted ways with Fedor when M-1 Global became Adrenaline MMA. Even though the fight won’t be held under the Adrenaline banner, Cox is still Tim Sylvia’s manager, which means he’ll still be getting paid at least 10% of a shit-ton of money. That, my friends, is how a smart gambler plays.

More on this story as it develops…

(The Maine-iac to fight Fedor in June?)

Some quick snips, courtesy of FightLine:

— Fedor and Tim Sylvia might be fighting soon. The proposed fight is in talks according to an unnamed source. Nothing is set in stone, but the initial chats have already been initiated. If the fight happens, it will go down in Chicago this coming June, promoted by Adrenaline MMA. So far, Jeff Monson will battle Mike Russow on the same card. Remember that ex-UFC champ Tim Sylvia recently signed with Adrenaline MMA, so his involvement in the talks is a no-brainer.

— “The Lights Out Show” has some choice Bas Rutten quotes from a recent interview…and one in particular is about Kimbo’s ground game. Check it out:

“Of course we’ve been training Kimbo on the ground. He just hasn’t been going there yet…and throwing [Kimbo] up against a submission specialist is going to be trouble [for us]…God knows what Kimbo knows. Nobody knows yet, and we all keep it a big secret. We want to keep it a big secret.”

Bas has spoken, but James Thompson still won’t change any of this.

11. Rashad Evans vs. Sean Salmon (UFC Fight Night 8, 1/25/2007)

10. Chris “Red Bull” Willems vs. Akoni Nakila (ROTR: Beatdown IV, 7/14/07)

9. Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic vs. Aleksander Emelianenko (PRIDE: Final Conflict 2004, 8/15/2004)

(Glass Jaws = Quick KO’s)

It doesn’t appear to be a rumor anymore. The May 31st KO victim for Kimbo Slice will be — God help us — James “The Colossus” Thompson and his glass jaw. The fight will be the main event for the first CBS/EliteXC Saturday Night Fights show, which is set to go down in Newark, NJ. All this comes from “Carson’s Corner”, an MMA radio show hosted by Bob Carson. The show’s team claims to have received confirmation from higher ups at ProElite, though their names were not given.

Ken Shamrock was once mentioned as an opponent for Kimbo, but at Ken’s current level of, um, ability, would that have been any better? Ken would have wanted to take it to the mat, but if Robert Berry doesn’t let that happen, Kimbo certainly doesn’t. So with Thompson looking like a sure thing, Kimbo’s ground game will still be called into question even after the fight because “Colossus” isn’t exactly known for much on the ground other than falling hard to it after being KTFO.

Just to be fair, let’s try and make a case for Thompson. The fighter is 14-8 overall. He was 6-1 when he went over to PRIDE and lost immediately against Aleksander Emelianenko. He then bounced around between PRIDE and other organizations, amassing a 12-2 record by the turn of 2006. Then things got ugly. A May 2006 fight against Kazuyuki Fujita ended in a loss that would send Thompson on a 2-6 skid with 5 of those losses coming via TKO or KO. His last two fights — both losses — ended in him going to sleep thanks to Neil Grove (in 10 seconds) and Brett Rogers.

You may have thought that Fedor’s bee story was the joke, but Matt Hughes is the one enjoying the April Fool’s Day hilarity. It’s not quite like Fightlinker’s pony tomfoolery, the Tommy Lee vs. Kid Rock UFC fight, or the bastard in the forums who kept Rick Rollin’ everyone — I got it twice and had to shut my computer down, Bastard — but here is Matt’s blog entry from today:

Well, for a long time I’ve talked about going up in weight class and I’ve decided to finally do it. Only I’m not going up to 185, I’m going up to 205 to fight Mauricio “Shogun” Rua in June. I’m bulking up now and packing on muscle and I’m thinking that it will be nice to not have to cut weight for a change. I think it’s a great match-up for me and I’ve told Dana that if I win this, then I want a shot at the 205 title next.

Sorry for the short blog this week, I’m here in Colorado helping Tommy get ready for his fight, so I’ll try to have more for you all next week. I just wanted to break the big news. -matt

You’d think Matt would’ve picked a fake opponent who hadn’t already backed out of a June fight because of injury for his “joke.” I also don’t want him to shoot me for pointing that out. So let’s take this a step further: imagine Matt going up even further in weight against, say the recently UFC-departed Tim Sylvia. I’d guess it would end in Matt running for his life.

Wonder what little Matty had in that backpack? Snacks, juice boxes, and the latest Harry Potter novel would be my guess. As for the other most hated fool from the UFC, it’s always fun to be reminded again about Big Tim’s fear of spiders and love of girlie drinks.

Happy Fool’s Day to all.

(Video courtesy of my Canon PowerShot.)

Bad Indian food, maybe? Check out the 0:16 mark to see him swallow it back down. Lovely.

Oh, and about Timbo’s “huge news”: Yeah, it actually was pretty huge. Here are the brass tacks:

— Tim Sylvia has left the UFC in a “mutual separation” and is officially a free agent.

— He has signed a non-exclusive contract with Adrenaline MMA (formerly M-1 Global). Between his fights with Adrenaline, events in Japan (likely referring to Sengoku and DREAM), and “the Affliction show,” he expects to fight 5-6 times per year.

— Adrenaline plans on holding its first event on June 14th in Chicago. Ben Rothwell has also signed to the organization.

— Notable Tim quote #1: “I’m out of the UFC for a couple years, and maybe I go back. I want to end my career in the UFC…Right now, this is the best thing for me.”

— Notable Tim quote #2: “There’s a guy out there named Fedor who I’d like to fight, and I think the only way that’s gonna happen is by me leaving the UFC.”

Holy crap! Can you imagine if Tim got a crack at Fedor before Randy Couture? It seems a little shocking that Dana White would let Tim leave the UFC without putting up a fight (Sylvia had one match left on his current contract), but maybe this is just an elaborate scheme to screw Randy. Dana, you brilliant asshole!

(“Look, guys…the truth is, he’s not my ‘roommate’.”)

This should be exciting for the three of you who actually subscribe to HDNet. From an e-mail sent to us earlier:

Subject: Tune in tonight for breaking news from Tim Sylvia
Body: “Inside MMA” airs tonight, March 28, at 9:30 p.m. ET, only on HDNet. This hour-long program brings you the most comprehensive MMA news. Don’t miss a minute, as this week’s “Inside MMA” will be breaking huge news in the MMA world concerning Tim Sylvia…..tune in to hear what Tim has to say!

An informed source has already confirmed to MMAWeekly that Sylvia was released from his UFC contract last week, though his manager (and M-1 Global’s former president/CEO) Monte Cox refused to confirm the split. If there’s nothing better on TV tonight, we’ll watch Inside MMA and let you know what happens. But you definitely owe us one, because that show is fucking painful.

— Our BFFs at Complex just posted an interview with Frankie Edgar, in which “The Answer” discusses entrance music, crotch rockets, being denied by The Ultimate Fighter, and unsanctioned no-holds-barred matches in the Bronx.

— Damon D (of BetUS fame) has a new sports blog called The House of Smack, and it’s kind of amazing. Learn about the relationship between UFC event names and shitty action movies, and then check out this list of balls-out hockey goalie fights.

— Frank Shamrock will be a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live! tomorrow (12:05am ET/PT, 11:05pm CT), hyping up his fight against Cung Le, which will take place the following night. Apparently, Frank will be giving MMA instruction to “Guillermo the Parking Lot Security Guard,” whoever that is. He’s also been droning on at Fightline.com for the last couple days. Where does he find the time to train?

— CombatLifestyle‘s Tracy Lee has an amazing set of photos from the WEC 33 afterparty. Doug Marshall doesn’t seem to be taking his loss too hard…

— Tomorrow, Tim Sylvia will announce that he’s leaving the UFC and has just booked a fight against Fedor Emelianenko. Well, maybe. If his “big announcement” just has to do with turkey hunting, we’re going to be very disappointed.

9. Don Frye

Full pints of 40-year-old ball-sweat have passed through the Predator’s Old Glory nut-huggers. Just seems a little disrespectful, that’s all.

8. Ken Shamrock

Watching Ken sport these old-schoolers transports us to the time we spotted the 80-year-old next door during one of her “spells.” Those are some granny panties we’ll never get out of our mind.

7. Rich Franklin

Half badass, half…pink? He earned the right to get his ass handed to him by Anderson Silva. But he was a hit at the post-fight pride parade.

Although it’s happened to countless office-drones in recent years, Tim Sylvia may be the first mixed martial artist to be fired from his job for talking shit about his boss on his blog. On Friday, he posted the following on the tim-sylvia.com forums:

i have one fight left on my contract i want to stay with the ufc but i am going to go were the money is right now Brock is making more m0ney then me that has to change i have a better name then him and i am a better fighter then him, in case u didn’t know my manager runs m1 so i have a pretty good in so we will see what happens in the next few months.

Why doesn’t it surprise me that Tim Sylvia writes like a 14-year-old mall-girl? Dude, would it kill you to throw in some punctuation? Various websites picked up on the “Tim Sylvia to leave UFC for M-1″ angle of the forum entry and quickly re-posted it. Realizing that things on the Internet tend to get around, Timbo posted the following bit of damage-control on his site yesterday:

well let me just start off by saying people r fucked up by saying that i want to leave the ufc. I dont its my home and i would love to be there for the rest of my carear. Second I didnt say i wanted or even was thinking about m1 u guys (forum users) asked about it and I told u my manager runs it thats it, so please dont take shit out of context. Some of u people are going to get me in trouble with the ufc.

See what you’ve done, you bloodsuckers? You’ve gotten Tim so hot and bothered that he’s abandoned apostrophes altogether. And spell-check? Fucking forget about it. We think that once Monte Cox patiently explained to Sylvia that M-1 is not a legitimate fight organization, but rather an elaborate front set up to promote/protect Fedor Emelianenko — and leaving the UFC for M-1 would actually be a terrible career move — the Maine-iac had an “oh shit” moment and made that follow-up post.

The fact that Brock Lesnar has a $250,000 guarantee per fight clearly bothers Sylvia. What bothers us is the fact that Sylvia seems to think his recent performances should entitle him to a raise. He isn’t popular with fans, and he’s at least a couple fights away from another title shot. Meanwhile, Brock Lesnar probably generated 20 times his salary in UFC 81 pay-per-view buys. Supply and demand — it’s a bitch, buddy.

Tim: …basically, Antonio and I are professionals, and we leave it all in the cage. There’s no hard feelings whatsoever, because bottom line, he was the better fighter than me tonight and I respect the hell out of him.
Antonio: Estou cansado, querido.
Tim: Big guy says he’s sleepy! [journalists laugh] Don’t worry, lover. We’ll be home soon.

(Photo props: Sherdog)

We like to think that the only losers in life are the people who never try. So basically, we still feel like we’re big winners despite the fact that nearly everything we claimed in our UFC 81 bonus predictions post turned out to be completely untrue. Let’s take a look at those bonuses, which were reported last night:

Amount
We said: They’d be $40,000 apiece.
What really happened: They were a record-setting $60,000 apiece. Maybe that was done to shut up all the critics who questioned the UFC’s profitability after UFC 80′s weak bonuses were doled out. Maybe the bonus amounts are determined based on geographical proximity to Las Vegas. Who freakin’ knows.

Knockout of the Night
We said: Terry Martin, or possibly Kyle Bradley.
What really happened: Kyle Bradley got annihilated in just 33 seconds by a demonically possessed Chris Lytle, who earned the K.O. bonus; Lytle’s new kamikaze style produced one of the most thrilling moments of the night, and we hope to see more of it in the future. As for Terry Martin, he lost a unanimous decision to Marvin Eastman in “Breaking Point”‘s only untelevised match. We predicted the fight would be wild and exciting; it was not.

Submission of the Night
We said: Ricardo Almeida
What really happened: Almeida did indeed submit Rob Yundt (finally, we catch a break), but Frank Mir’s leglock of Brock Lesnar was far more dramatic, and Mir picked up the 60 grand. The bonus brought Mir’s payday to a total of $140,000 when added to his $40k to-show purse and $40k win bonus.

Fight of the Night
We said: Gleison Tibau vs. Tyson Griffin, or possibly Lesnar vs. Mir.
What really happened: Three-round war? More like three-round snore. (See what we did there?) Tyson Griffin showcased his inability to finish a fight during his unanimous decision victory over Tibau, and the crowd let him know that they were not entertained. We thought Tim Sylvia and Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira would hug for five rounds, but Minotauro’s incredible comeback victory in the third was enough to score both men the $60,000 Fight of the Night bonus. Since his guaranteed fight payout is $100,000, Tim Sylvia took home $160,000 after UFC 81, edging out Frank Mir by 20 large — for losing. See, we told you these figures never make sense…

— The hype of Brock Lesnar washed over us like a dark, awesome wave.

— We ranked the members of the legendary Gracie family in order of importance.

— You bastards went all-out in the first Chuck Liddell caption contest, and three people won autographed copies of Chuck’s new book. Come back Monday and at least two more signed books will be up for grabs.

— Details started to leak about The Ultimate Fighter 7.

— We never thought we’d write the phrase “pit fighting” again, but here we are.

— We took our Power Rankings to the next level.

— The gory image of a post-fight Joe Stevenson compelled the Potato Nation to dispute the specific legalities of inserting fingers into orifices.

— What we do in life echoes in eternity. Also, a bunch of losers share a very ironic nickname.

— At the time of this posting, 39% of you think Frank Mir will beat Brock Lesnar by submission, while 38% of you think Brock Lesnar will beat Frank Mir by TKO/KO. We shall see, won’t we…

(That poor, poor woman.)

The Maine-iac on Sherdog’s Savage Dog Show:

“I’ve had sex before with the belt on. That was back in the Ricco Rodriguez days. The night I won the belt I had a sexual experience with the belt on. But hey, I was 25 years old and it was the biggest thing that ever had happened to me in my life. The girl was like hey, are you going to take that thing off. And I said no, I’m not…I’m wearing it and if you have a problem with it, then I’m leaving. And I hate to say it, but if I do win the belt again, then this time it’s never coming off. I’m going to wear it a lot more.”

You hear that, ladies who might consider sleeping with Tim Sylvia? He will bang you with his belt on. That’s a promise. As if sex with Tim wasn’t an awful enough experience, with his grating New England accent and his loose stomach that even steroids couldn’t shore up, he will let you know, at every possible moment, who the champ is.

We cannot allow this to happen again. If you have a daughter, a sister — if you have a mother — you need to know what’s at stake here. So this Saturday, we urge you to pray to your Higher Power for a victory by Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (he’s the guy that Tim will be fighting at UFC 81; I know we haven’t talked about him much, sorry). If you want to pray that Tim Sylvia stops having “sexual experiences” altogether, that’s cool too.

If you’re not convinced, just imagine Tim Sylvia taking a dump, totally naked except for his UFC belt and reading an old copy of Field and Stream. Maybe now you’ll start to appreciate the enormity of the situation…

We know we’re an MMA news site, but occasionally we like to mix it up with something funny. So here’s a list of the 12 worst tattoos in MMA for your enjoyment. 12. Rich Clementi Ignore the unfortunately placed head in this picture and focus on the tat on Rich’s right pec. Cartoony tattoos are [...]

Metallica’s “Jump in the Fire” album cover.

And the cover’s inspiration, Tim Sylvia.

(Props to CagePotato reader Jim C. for the eagle eye.)

(Twin Mulletteers, Mark and Matt Hughes)

We’ve already mentioned the bitch-fest that is Mark Hughes’ autobiography, “Matt Hughes – Made in America”. If reading the tome – which was released today –  isn’t good enough for you and you just gotta’ have it signed by the recently defeated asshole author, you can find Matt Hughes at one of the following locations:

NEW YORK CITY
Monday @ 7:00 PM
Barnes & Noble #2021
2245 Richmond Avenue
Staten Island, NY 10314 7 Jan 08

NEW YORK CITY
Tuesday @ 7:00PM
Bookends
232 East Ridgewood Avenue
Ridgewood, New Jersey 07450 8 Jan 08

8. Ed Herman We all know what the song is supposed to be about and we’re all wondering what business it has being an entrance song. It doesn’t even have a cool beat. But that didn’t stop Ed Herman from using ”In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins at UFC 72. I can feel it, coming in the…okay, that’s enough. [...]

(Tim Sylvia-as-mongoloid sketch courtesy of tim-sylvia.com)

Perhaps trying to make himself look tough after being portrayed as a total feeb in Matt Hughes’ book, Tim Sylvia has been on a trash-talk streak lately. In Gary Herman’s post-UFC 79 column on 15rounds.com, the Maine-iac addressed Fedor Emelianenko’s decision to fight in M-1 Global rather than the UFC:

“I think he’s being a (expletive). I think Fedor is very good, but you have to fight the top level competitors all the time to keep that status, and he is just not doing that.”

(Plugging the column on Five Ounces of Pain, Herman revealed that the expletive in question was “pussy.”)

Calling Fedor a pussy is basically like spitting in the face of a member of the vory v zakone. I’d imagine an exchange like this went down before Tim dared to open his mouth…

Tim Sylvia: [knocking on Dana White's office door] Hey boss, gotta minute?
Dana White: [to self] Fuck. [to Tim] Yeah, what.
TS: Hey, yeah, you know that Fedor guy? The crazy Russian, Enemanenko or whatever?
DW: Yeah, what about him.
TS: He’ll never fight in the UFC, right?
DW: No fuckin’ way, him and his manager are dead to me.
TS: So you’re saying there’s no chance he’ll ever fight me?
DW: Fuck no, not on my watch.
TS: That’s aaaall I needed to know. Thanks boss! [leaves]
DW: [to self] Christ, what an asshole.

“Tim Sylvia walked over to me during practice. His back was hunched a bit, like Pat’s is, but Pat I could look in the face. ‘Can I talk to you a second?’ he asked.

“Sure thing.” He led me into an office and we sat down on two chairs.

“No one here’s got a problem with me except you,” he began.“When I first started, Jens would say I’m a fat piece of s*** who’s never going to amount to anything, and he’d get me crying, but now even Jens likes me. Is there a problem?”