(Spit-bags: The sure sign of a bad time. Photo courtesy of TMZ.)

By Ben Goldstein and Jason Moles

The rule applies in any profession: For every law-abiding nice-guy, there’s an unstable son-of-a-bitch who you’d never want to leave your kids alone with. In honor of Breaking Bad: The Complete Third Season being released on DVD and Blu-ray, we decided to take a ride through MMA’s shadowy history of assault, robbery, vandalism, drug-smuggling, and other nasty behavior — the most infamous examples of fighters living dangerously and paying the price…

For more thrills, check out the latest Sony Action Unleashed DVDs!

#16: Jeff Monson
Arrested for: First-degree malicious mischief; assault on a female and injury to real property

It’s never a good idea to have evidence of your law-breaking published nationally. In a bizarre lapse of judgment, heavyweight veteran Jeff Monson was busted after he allowed ESPN the Magazine to photograph him spray-painting an anarchy symbol on the Washington state capitol building. Though the charge packed a maximum sentence of 10 years in prison, the Snowman was able to plead down to three months. Just days later, Monson was arrested again when a domestic dust-up with one of his many love-interests resulted in an overturned grandfather clock and a fist-shaped hole in the wall; those charges were later dismissed.

#15: Kim Couture
Arrested for: Domestic violence

(Video courtesy of YouTube/MMAHeat)

Hopefully  for Jon Jones’ sake the UFC fighter film curse doesn’t extend to him.

As we mentioned over the weekend, the UFC light heavyweight champion told Karyn Bryant last week that he was at Warner Bros. for a meeting to discuss the possibility of starring in one of the company’s upcoming  films. Looking back at his fellow UFC fighters’ track records after starring in movies, “Bones” might want to think long and hard about whether or not he wants to become an actor at this point in his career.

An explanation after the jump.

Happy Monday, Nation. We hope you had a good weekend. No, really, we hope you’re in a good mood, since we’re presenting the second installment of Keyboard Warrior. Hopefully everyone had naked funtime last night, slept like a baby, and had a great breakfast this morning. Otherwise, we imagine there will be lots of very not-nice things in the comments.

We’ve changed up the appearance of KBW, making it look more like a typical MMA forum, complete with the kind of critical information any Keyboard Warrior should have for important discussion, like join date and number of posts. Maybe now it won’t seem like we’re blatantly ripping off other peoples’ ideas.

You can read the first episode here (all two pages of it), check out number two, and then you’re welcome to leave suggestions, ideas, and odes to our greatness below.

Thanks again to WithLeather and @MrBrandonStroud for letting us blatantly rip off their ideas.

[RX]

(“I’m so embarrassed. Thank God I was tanned, shaven and oiled up in that totally unposed photo.”)

*Someone* posted a naked photo of Tito Ortiz on the former UFC light heavyweight champion’s Twitter account today and he *says* he isn’t impressed. The photo was taken down moments later by Ortiz, who tweeted that his phone had been hacked.

It seems like Tito might be following in the footsteps of a handful of politicians who claim hackers did the same to them in recent days.

(“Camp Carwin” Episode 4: In which Shane shows off the new diet that has dropped him from 285 lbs. to 255 lbs. Props: officialbudlight)

- Karyn Bryant: It Takes Much More Than That to Horrify Me [Exclusive Interview] (LowKick)

- Inside MMA: Tito Ortiz Addresses Altercation With Matt Mitrione, Hendo Talks Fedor (MMA Convert)

- Five Lessons: UFC 130 (NBC Sports MMA)

- Check Out This 10-Second Faceplant KO From Cage Warriors 42 This Past Weekend (MiddleEasy)

- UFC 130 Medical Suspensions and Injuries for ‘Rampage vs Hamill’ (MMA Mania)

- Chael Sonnen Responds to Jason Miller and Michael Bisping as “TUF 14? Coaches (5thRound)

- Clay Guida: Anthony Pettis Bout Will Be a Fight of the Year Candidate (MMA Fighting)

- UFC Allows Kevin James to Use Their Brand in MMA Comedy Film (TheFightNerd)

- UFC 131 Conference Call Highlights (Five Ounces of Pain)

- The 20 Greatest UFC Fighters of the Pre Zuffa Era (BleacherReport.com/MMA)

“My thoughts concerning the state of Wisconsin repealing the collective bargaining rights of public employees? I’m glad you asked…”

Several recent, seemingly unrelated news stories in the MMA world have shared a common theme- unions. It’s the lobbying efforts of one union, Dana White insists, to blame for the UFC’s failure to gain a foothold in New York. And some pessimists credit a fear of unionized fighters–more than simple altruism–for Zuffa’s decision to provide accident insurance for its fighters. With all of the talk about a potential MMA Fighters Union, we took a moment to ponder who’s likely to throw their hat in the ring for union president…

(The UFC Fighter Summit has a storybook ending. Congrats, Janitor.)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere. E-mail feedback@cagepotato.com for details on how your site can join the MMA Link Club…

- BJ Penn and Jake Shields Want to Fight Each Other (LowKick)

- Shane Carwin’s Cardio Under Microscope at UFC 131 (NBC Sports MMA)

- Rashad Evans Explains His Nightclub Altercation With Jon Jones; Insists ‘Bones’ Ducked Him (MMA Mania)

- Mac Danzig Out of Next Month’s Anticipated Clash With Donald Cerrone, Vagner Rocha to Replace (Five Ounces of Pain)

- Matt Mitrione: If Ortiz Is Still Upset After Confrontation, ‘Then We Can Scrap’ (MMA Fighting)

- Your Favorite Hooters Girl to Serve Ring Cards at ‘UFC 132: Cruz vs. Faber II’ (5thRound)

- This Will Be the Strangest Seven-Second Knockout You Will See This Year (MiddleEasy)

- Mark Coleman ‘Would Drop Everything’ To Fight Herschel Walker (MMA Convert)

- Video: Hector Lombard Gets Pissed at Reporter After Bellator 44 (TheFightNerd)

- Going Medieval: MMA’s 20 Worst Beatdowns (BleacherReport.com/MMA)

(You need how much? Damn. OK, but I want some new XXL leather headrests for my G6.)

The Las Vegas Review Journal reported today that former UFC light heavyweight champ Tito Ortiz has been tied to a murder conspiracy court case that involves a father who is accused of hiring a hitman to kill his son.

According to court documents, Keith Herriman is alleged to have hired an unidentified person to shoot his son, Dominick, who is said to have slept with both his father’s ex-wife and ex-girlfriend and who testified in February that his old man had used $160,000 he fraudulently obtained through an insurance scam to buy crack.

You know a family is dysfunctional if it make’s Tito’s seem like the Cleavers.

(Chuck Liddell poses with ‘Taboo’, co-host of Our Time.)

We have no idea how most of these encounters came about — but we’re sure they were all fairly awkward. Here are 21 of our favorite photos of MMA fighters rubbing shoulders with reality show stars, B-list actors, and aging rock royalty. Ah, the perks of fame…

(Cain Velasquez: The meat in a douche sandwich.)

(Rashad had the last laugh that night when he gave Jones the stink-palm.)

It looks like there’s no love lost between Jon Jones and Rashad Evans.

A pirate at the Las Vegas Review Journal is reporting that the former Team Jackson training partners came close to getting in a bar fight this week while in town for the Fighter Summit.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/MrPromoMma)

If you didn’t catch the Mitrione Minute above from The MMA Hour back in March where Matt Mitrione poked fun at Jenna Jameson, watch it so the video you’re about to see makes sense.

(“Let’s see here: High kick, low kick, body kick, side check kick … yep, I think I’ve got them all scouted.” Pic: LasVegasSun)

Some three days later, I’m still not sure if it makes it better or worse that Randy Couture’s MMA career ended via insane, never-before-seen crane kick knockout. On one hand, it was certainly sad to see the legend’s body slump lifelessly to the canvas after the UFC’s resident Karate Kid blasted him in the face just a minute into the second round of their bout in Toronto. On the other hand, maybe the kick really just saved us nine more minutes of watching Couture take potshots to the face at the hands of notorious counterpuncher Lyoto Machida. It had taken just a few moments after all to realize this bout wasn’t going to go Couture’s way. All 47 of his hard-earned years were apparent as we watched “The Natural” hopelessly chase Machida around the Octagon like a dog trying to hunt down its own tail for the full extent of the first round. Granted, he didn’t look Chuck Liddell-bad or anything, but the performance was enough to confirm that it’s high time for Couture to walk away – and this time to stay gone.

It got us thinking. When you’re in the game for 14 years, compile a 19-11 career record, essentially shepherd a sport from its dark ages into the white hot light of mainstream acceptance – when you are arguably the most important athlete ever to compete in your chosen field – there are going to be a few ups and downs. In light of that and by way of career retrospective for a guy who absolutely deserves one, after the jump we give you our picks for the five greatest and five worst moments in the MMA career of Randy Couture, presented here in chronological order …

(At that moment, Bader’s whole life flashed before his eyes, and the part about fighting Tito Ortiz at UFC 132 made him say, “No way, you gotta be shittin’ me!”)

Guess you have to give Ryan Bader partial credit for admitting to MMA Weekly on Friday that one of the reasons he wanted to fight Tito Ortiz was to erase from his mind the nightmarish memories of his UFC 126 fight with Jon Jones. On the other hand, we have to kinda call disingenuousness (aka bullshit) on the way Bader sort of tries to make it sound like this bout just fell into his lap (as we recall, he specifically called Ortiz out) and saying that he took the fight because he’s “an MMA fan” who just wanted to take on a legend. Check it out:

“Although it’s a step down in competition from Jon Jones and (Antonio Rogerio) Nogueira, I got a chance fight a guy like Tito, a legend of the sport, and we took it,” Bader said. “It’s almost like a novelty fight for me going in there and (fighting) a guy I grew up watching. I’m a fan and a fighter. I want to be a part of his legacy and vice versa. I want to have Tito Ortiz in my win column.”

(“Well, she’s retired now, but she used to be in the import/export business, specializing in other dudes’ penises.”)

Tito Ortiz‘s last-chance fight against Ryan Bader is less than three months away, so obviously, those muckraking sons-of-bitches at MadeMan.com thought it would be a good time to interview Tito about his relationship with former porn “entrepreneur” Jenna Jameson. Personally, I liked this exchange:

MadeMan: Do you feel any jealousy when guys come up to her?

Tito Ortiz: Of course! I’m human. I get jealous. But I trust Jenna no matter what. So, I let her do her thing. It really doesn’t bother me, if I don’t think about it!

MadeMan: On the flip side, it’s got to be a big turn-on, knowing men across the country go slack-jawed watching your wife work…

(Wrap your fucking head around THAT….and no, it isn’t a Photoshop.)

When UFC president Dana White said he probably wouldn’t attend any Strikeforce events because of the enemies he had made who are associated with the promotion and its broadcast partner, Showtime, nobody seemed very surprised, but when the Balfather showed up at the Valley View Casino Center a couple hours ago for tonight’s SF event in San Diego people nearly lost their shit.

We gotta admit, seeing Dana with his arms around Strikeforce and UFC CEOs Scott Coker and Lorenzo Fertitta is pretty fucking bizarre, kinda like when he french-kissed Tito. Hopefully he’s there to enjoy the show, not to hand out pink slips to Strikeforce employees (unless we’re talking Gus Johnson) and to have reporters he doesn’t like escorted from the premises.

We want to believe that he isn’t going to get rid of Strikeforce like he did PRIDE, the WFA and the WEC.

Here’s hoping his tune hasn’t changed from November when he said:

“We couldn’t care less [what Strikeforce is doing], but we don’t want them to blow their brains out and go away. We need these guys to exist. Listen, whether they want to believe it or not, they’re the small show. They’re a feeder show. Whether they want to believe it, that’s what they are. We need them.”

Strikeforce has consistently put on quality fights and solid events the past handful of shows and tonight’s event is no exception.

Enough about business as usual, let’s talk Strikeforce.

(You should have seen Tito driving this thing with his head out the window like Ace Ventura. It looked like a bobblehead in a HotWheels car. Photo credit: TMZ)

You would think that the UFC would have a clause in the contract of its fighters that restricts them from partaking in any dangerous activities like skydiving, attending a barbecue thrown by Mike Whitehead or living with Kim Couture. Apparently Zuffa is too busy writing up their new journalism policies to worry about fighters like Tito Ortiz wrecking race cars when they should be concerned with training for upcoming bouts.

(If only he put as much time and energy into choosing a barber. Hi-yo! Pic: Dan Hardy.org. Wait, Dan Hardy is an org?)

Well, this is getting pretty goddamned transparent. First everybody and their dog wants a coin-flip fight against Wanderlei Silva, then Ryan Bader responds to the first loss of his career by calling out Tito Ortiz and now – fresh off his own third consecutive defeat in the Octagon — Dan Hardy is suddenly very interested in fighting Chris Lytle. You know, just for the purposes of putting on “an old school shootout with a guy that wants to throw down” and stuff like that. We’re sure it has nothing to do with Hardy desperately needing a win.

“Screw the rankings, records are for DJs,” Hardy tweeted on Sunday, as part of a Twitter barrage expressing his frustration with losing a “boring” fight to Anthony Johnson at UFN 24. Once again the whole “mixed” part of mixed martial arts bit another standup-oriented fighter in the ass as Johnson first toppled Hardy with a head kick, then dominated him with his wrestling skills en route to a unanimous decision. After the trio of losses, Hardy’s job was saved only by the fact Dana White “fucking loves that kid” (his words) and now Hardy just so happens to fancy a matchup with one of the throw-downiest guys who ever threw down, yet doesn’t have a ton of knockout power. Must be coincidence.

Anyhow, after the jump we took the liberty of condensing Hardy’s irritation into one easily-digestible quote. Plus, find out what fights Johnson and Johny Hendricks also envision for themselves …

(“Is ‘March’ with one ‘e’ or two?”)

Former UFC light heavyweight champion Tito Ortiz posted a video of himself signing his contract to face Ryan Bader at UFC 132 July 2 at the Mandalay Events Center in Las Vegas, NV.

The fight will likely be Ortiz’s last chance to prove the UFC that they should hold on to him in spite of the fact that he has not won a fight in the past five years or in any of his past five fights. UFC president Dana White has said recently that he thought about letting “The Huntington Beach Bad Boy” go after his loss to Matt Hamill in October at UFC 121, but decided to give Ortiz, who still has some drawing power, one more kick at the cat.

When Tito Ortiz tweeted the message above Wednesday night rumors began swirling that the injury-plagued former UFC light heavyweight champion may be walking away from the sport of MMA in spite of an impending UFC 132 bout with Ryan Bader.

It now looks like “The Huntington Beach Bad Boy” was referring to his relationship with former adult film actress Jenna Jameson and not his mixed martial arts career when he said he was out.

When asked last night about what Ortiz meant by his cryptic message, the mother of his twin two-year-old sons, Journey and Jette, played coy.

It looks like Ryan Bader will getting the fight he wants for his next bout.

Bader mentioned last month in an interview with ESPN on the heels of his UFC 126 loss to Jon Jones that before he retires, he would like to square off with Tito Ortiz and according to MMAWeekly he will get his wish.

“I would want to fight Tito Ortiz,” Bader told ESPN.com. “Just because I grew up watching him. I want to have one of those guys on my résumé like a Randy Couture or Chuck Liddell. Purely out of respect, he’s one I’d like to fight before my career is over.”

Both fighters confirmed the bout was a go on Twitter today, but did not name a date or venue. The MMAWeekly report states that the pair will square off at UFC 132 at the Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas, NV.

(In his next fight, Bader would like to face someone of great historical significance. Anybody got Kimo’s number? Pic: MMA Convert.)

Contrary to popular belief, the UFC middleweight division has not quite cornered the market on making strategically advantageous call-outs. While the world’s 185-pound fighters are lining up to let everybody know how much they’d all love to fight Michael Bisping – which is like so 2010 – their light heavyweight brethren are also making requests of UFC matchmaker Joe Silva. It seems that at least a couple of 205-pounders have been spending some time on the “Fighters” page over at UFC.com and thinking to themselves, “Let’s see here, who can I beat?”

Ryan Bader, for one, emerged this week from whatever dark room he’s been huddled in, rocking back and forth since UFC 126 to tell ESPN.com he’d very much like to fight Tito Ortiz. Cuz, why not? Sure, just a withered shell of his former self, Ortiz hasn’t won a fight since 2006, is barely clinging to his career and seemingly can’t make it to the cage without a serious back injury, cracked skull or giant laceration over his eye, but still … fighting him would mean A LOT to Bader. You know, on a personal level.

“Torld witle…torld witle…no, something doesn’t sound right.”

It used to be that you could count on Tito Ortiz to show up on fight night, come up short, then cite an outrageous injury as the reason for his loss. Well, it looks like someone has taken our little ban to heart, as “The Huntington Beach Bad Boy” disclosed yesterday via Twitter that he has suffered a serious concussion and received some 22 stitches, forcing him out of his bout with Lil’ Nog next month at UFC Fight Night 24.

First off, some serious questions. What the hell could have done such damage to that magnificent dome? Did the boys at NASA discover some new super-alloy? No, not likely. The clear answer here is that Tito contracted some sort of communicable skull-softening disease, likely from close contact with a known carrier. While Tito’s fellow scientists race for a cure, Dana White wasted no time in naming his replacement for the bout.

(Video courtesy YouTube/TheNewYorkBadAss)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere. E-mail feedback@cagepotato.com for details on how your site can join the MMA Link Club…

- If Stann can’t get Wand, he’ll settle for Bisping or Belfort  (LowKick)

– Five lessons we learned for UFC Fight for the Troops II (Versus MMA Beat)

Herschel Walker: ’This is not a gimmick for me. This is life.’  (FiveOuncesofPain)

– Ricco Rodriguez to begin his road back to the UFC against James McSweeney at BAMMA 5 (MiddleEasy)

- A tribute to Chuck Liddell (WMMMALC newcomers ProFighting-Fans)

– Watch Hatsu Hioki choke Mark Hominick unconscious (MMAScraps)

– Tito Ortiz prepared to resume career outside UFC when if he loses to Lil’ Nog’ (5thRound)

– Both UFC and Strikeforce planning 2011 events in Japan (MMAConvert)

– In poll of favorite sports, MMA is overlooked (MMAFighting)

– M-1 Global signs UFC vet Vinny Magalhaes (FightMagazine)

– Elimination round for TUF 13 nixed by UFC and Spike (SBNation/MMA)

("I trust this dude so much, I’d let him be my chauffeur if he needed a job. We could make it into a reality show and call it ‘Driving Mr. Dana.’")

Dana White helmed a Q&A session at Fort Hood last week ahead of the Fight for the Troops II show Saturday night and the UFC president dropped a handful of interesting tidbits during the hour-long forum.

Perhaps most noteworthy was White’s proclamation that former UFC light heavyweight kingpin Quinton "Rampage" Jackson will likely get the next crack at the winner of the UFC 128 championship bout between current champ Mauricio "Shogun" Rua and Rashad Evans. White pointed to Jackson’s win over Lyoto Machida at UFC 123 — a fight many thought should have gone to "The Dragon" — as being the main factor in his title consideration. He also hinted that the winner of next month’s UFC 127 tilt between Ryan Bader and Jon Jones will likely get dibs on the winner of Jackson versus Evans or Rua.

"There are so many guys at 205. Rampage is probably next in line. Rampage is still in the mix. We’ve got Jon Jones and Ryan Bader fighting on the fifth [of February], which is going to be a great fight and catapults one of those guys to the top five.There’s so many great guys in the 205-pound division," White said. "The big problem has been ‘Shogun’s’ injury has been clogging up the division. Now he’s healthy and going to fight, and we’ll get everything rolling. [Shogun's] recovered now and back in training."

Surprisingly, White said that Machida, who just as easily could be sitting in Rampage’s place in line had the judges given him the split decision nod over Jackson, needs to win his upcoming UFC 129 bout in Toronto with Randy Couture, stopping short of saying that he could be on the chopping block if he loses.

"I didn’t think [Lyoto] was ever going to lose," White admitted. "Shogun beat him, and then he just lost to Rampage, too," he explained. "Now he’s fighting Randy Couture. It’s a must-win for him."

White also touched on several other topics, rumors and bout signings. Check the most pertinent ones out after the jump.

(Another case of life imitating art.)

Our friends at MiddleEasy.com scored a pretty awesome exclusive interview with someone claiming to be Lee Murray who says he was texting them answers to their questions via a cell phone he smuggled into the Moroccan prison he’ll call home for the next 25 years.

According to the story, someone close to the former UFC fighter got wind of ME’s "Free Lee Murray" shirts and offered to facilitate the Q&A, which seems pretty legit.

It looks like "Lightning" might be planning an appeal and hasn’t given up hope that his fate is sealed as he told MiddleEasy that he couldn’t talk about his part in the Securitas heist, which he is purported to have put together.

We won’t steal their well-earned traffic by copy and pasting the interview, but we will post an incredible quote from Murray in which he takes a shot at Tito Ortiz, who Lee is said to have knocked out during a street fight in London.

"…i pass some time by reading some books or mags, watch some DVDs, UFC, movies. I see a great porno of Tito’s wife getting the life fucked out of her by a bunch of dudes. That was pretty fun…not for him i bet …It’s not too bad. Not the first three years four months I done by myself in solitary confinement. I didn’t see no one. It was a fucking hole with rats & shit coming out the hole u piss in It’s not a prob when you piss, it’s a prob when you have to squat over it to take a s***, praying a rat don’t jump out and grab your balls "

As we recently learned, the next season of The Ultimate Fighter will be coached by a grumpy mountain man who probably won’t spend any more time on set than he absolutely needs to, and a Brazilian dynamo whose grasp on the English language is limited to simple phrases like “I believe too much in my boxing” and “tub you are a cold — so we’re not expecting a verbal rivalry on par with Tito/Ken or Rampage/Rashad. Still, it’s TUF, so somebody’s gonna get told at some point. Can this season’s insults possibly stack up to some of our past favorites?

#5: “You’re like an expert swimmer who’s never been in a pool.”

Matt Serra’s epic dress-down of Marc Laimon was his star-making moment — and a firm bitch-smack to every sideline-hater who talks tough without any intention of actually backing up his words. A year later, Serra was coaching that damn show.

#4: “Bro, you’re a male nurse.”