#1: Chris Clements vs. Lautaro Tucas @ TKO 25 (5/5/06), 3 seconds

Just two days after Norifumi Yamamoto thrilled a Tokyo crowd with his four-second flying-knee KO against Kazuyuki Miyata, an eerily similar knockout took place in Montreal. Except this time, it was the dude sprinting across the ring who got himself KTFO — and in only three seconds, making this the fastest MMA knockout ever. We can only assume that Lautaro Tucas watched the Yamamoto/Miyata fight and thought, “Hey, I bet I could do that too.” But Chris Clements saw it coming, and stepped in with a sledgehammer right hook just as Tucas was leaving the ground. Tucas’s lifeless body flopped into the ropes, upon which Clements slugged him in the head three times. Awesome. Fun fact: Tucas never fought again after that night. We’re not sure if that’s because he switched to a less painful profession, or because he committed seppuku to make up for the shame he caused his family, but either way, it had to be done.

CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO…

#5: Jonathan Goulet vs Joey Brown @ TKO 17 (9/25/04), 7 seconds
He calls himself the Road Warrior, but Jonathan Goulet may as well be nicknamed “The Flash.” Twenty-five of the UFC/TKO veteran’s 32 pro fights have ended in the first round, and six have ended within the first 30 seconds. (Luckily, he’s won most of them.) Goulet’s all-time fastest victory was this seven-second KO against Joey “Knockdown” Brown. All it took was a head kick, a quick Thai clinch, and a knee fired right up the middle, and Brown was in dreamland. The win was Goulet’s fifth in what became a ten-fight win streak, which culminated in him scoring a contract with the UFC, shooting down Jay Hieron in his notoriously bloody Octagon debut, and choking out Shonie Carter back in Canada. As for Brown, he still seemed to be dizzy from Goulet’s knee during his next four fights, losing all of them.

CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO…

Before he was damn-near-killing people in the WEC, #6-ranked featherweight Jose Aldo was doing it in small Brazilian shows. We just came across this video of Aldo’s fourth pro fight against Aritano Barbosa; watch as Aldo puts Barbosa’s lights out with a knee (see also: Aldo vs. Rolando Perez at WEC 39), jackhammer-punches him for a while, then ends the fight with some of the most brutal soccer kicks in MMA history. Hardcore, brah.

Below: Fightlinker dug up this video of a girl-on-guy vale tudo match, if you’re into that sort of thing. The fight starts off with the dude clearly taking it easy on the little lady — and wouldn’t you know, he winds up paying for it at the end. And therein lies the Catch 22 of fighting a woman: If you go 100% and smash her, you’re an asshole. If you half-ass it and get armbarred, you’re a pussy. And my God, look at the guy’s face at the 3:03 mark. I don’t even let my own girlfriend beat me like that.

(And here’s where things took a turn down Queer Street, which is located dangerously close to TKO Way.)

Josh Koscheck commented on his somewhat controversial upset loss at UFC 95 on his website, and – surprise! – he argues that the ref should have let it go on a little longer.  To his credit, however, Koscheck doesn’t lay the blame for the loss at the ref’s doorstep.  Instead he puts it squarely on his shoulders, right where it belongs:

As for UFC 95. . . YES, I would have liked to see the ref let the fight go on a little bit more because we are all fighters and we fight until the end. Yes, I got hit hard, but felt as though I could have recovered if I had the chance. As for next time, my message to all the ref’s would be to, please let the fight go until I’m put out to sleep. . . Just so I don’t have the thought of what if, going through my mind and probably the minds of all of you, my fans.

…I could be like a lot of other people and cry about it for weeks and months and make a big deal about it, but it’s now when the true character and discipline of a person is tested.

Then he goes on to quote Martin Luther King Jr. and apply it to his current situation, that of having lost a fight he was supposed to win.  Nice.

(You don’t mess with a black man named “Lance.”)

As if their ongoing financial troubles aren’t enough of a sign that EliteXC is circling the drain, how’s this: According to FiveOuncesofPain, the House That Gary Built has just signed weight-loss failure Jason Guida (17-17) to a fight contract. (Way to pursue that world-class talent, guys. Dana White just LHFAO.) Guida will reportedly make his EliteXC debut at an October 10th ShoXC event in Hammond, Indiana, against Mamed “Cannibal” Khalidov a Chechen fighter who has primarily competed in Poland, and who has gone 11-0-1 in his last 12 fights.

5oz. also reports that Rashad Evans’s older bro Lance Evans (2-2) — who was bounced out of last night’s Ultimate Fighter elimination round after suffering a rib injury during his fight against Vinny Magalhaes — will be returning to Canada’s TKO Championship Fighting outfit, and will take on former hockey enforcer Steve Bosse at TKO 35, which goes down October 3rd at Montreal’s Bell Centre.

One more light-heavyweight TUF Guy has apparently been signed to another organization, but he’s technically still on the show, so don’t click “More” if you want to keep the Team Nogueira vs. Team Mir experience pure as the driven snow.

(Kevin Burns shows off his flawless gouging technique. Photo courtesy of UFC.com.)

It’s probably not the way he wanted to make UFC history, but Anthony Johnson has officially become the first fighter to lose a fight in the Octagon via eye-pokes. After being handed an idiotic TKO loss at July’s “Silva vs. Irvin” card against Kevin Burns — who poked Johnson in the eyes multiple times throughout their fight until Rumble collapsed to the mat in agony during the third round — Johnson filed an appeal with the Nevada State Athletic Commission to have the result overturned to a DQ victory, or at least a no-contest. Unfortunately, it was rejected:

“Based on advice from the Nevada Attorney General’s office, the appeal was rejected due to lack of remedy,” Kizer revealed to MMAFrenzy.com.

Horseshit. Are they saying they have no way of changing results after the fact? That Steve Mazzagatti‘s decisions can never be overruled by a higher authority? Johnson had to undergo laser surgery to repair a detached retina and needed stitches in his eye — it would have been nice for the NSAC to acknowledge that they don’t condone what he had to go through. Still, Johnson has managed to keep a positive attitude through the entire experience. As he told TAGG Radio, “They can keep the loss on my record if they want to because I know I will come back better and stronger next time.”

(Chuck Liddell vs. Rashad Evans)

(Nate Marquardt vs. Martin Kampmann)

(Dan Henderson vs. Rousimar Palhares)

Drew Fickett vs. Richard Villes – Watch more free videos

Drew Ficket has fallen on hard times lately. I don’t say that simply because he lost this weekend to Richard Villes via a TKO stoppage that he seems to think was completely unjustified. I say that because he lost to Richard Villes in Rage in the Cage, which is clearly no Strikeforce, nor is it MFC — both organizations Fickett ran afoul of when he tried to violate his contract.

Just check the video to see what I mean. Note the “And 1 Mixtape Tour” vibe from the announcer, the woman (Villes girlfriend? wife? mom?) screaming throughout the entire fight, and the super slo-mo ring girl shot at the 4:39 mark. Someone rocked their high school AV club.

Fickett seemed to be in control of the fight until a failed shot that was followed by a good knee from Villes that was in turn followed by Fickett eating leather for the next thirty seconds. He’s moving the whole time, looking fairly alert, but offering no offense or even much of an effective defense. When the referee finally moves in to stop it, he pops right up to his feet to complain. This is sort of like fouling someone in basketball and then immediately putting your hands up, as if to show that you couldn’t possibly have done anything wrong. In other words, it never works.

Fickett doesn’t look like he’s too beat up afterwards, but if you lay on your back getting punched in the face for that long, you really can’t be too surprised when the ref stops it. Especially if you’ve been in the game as long as Fickett.

(In Russia, knee blows out *you*!)

— Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic has pulled out of DREAM.5 (July 21st; Osaka, Japan) due to nagging injuries to his elbow and knee, as well as an absence of opponents; Mighty Mo Siligia, who was slated to replace Jerome LeBanner against Filipovic, recently withdrew from the event. Cro Cop expects to be ready to compete at DREAM.6 on September 23rd. “I would really like to fight Alistair Overeem, we all know why and I won’t let it go,” Filipovic said. “My career is far from being over, I’ll be fighting some strong competitors soon again and hopefully I’ll meet Fedor in the ring once more in 2009.”

— Speaking of Fedor, Michael Bisping claims that the Last Emperor will be going into his July 19th Affliction fight against Tim Sylvia less than 100%. “It’s going to be good to see if Fedor is still the man but I’ve heard on the grapevine from inside sources that he could be injured,” Bisping told The Sun. “But this is time for Fedor to step up. Everyone knows what Tim Sylvia is all about but Fedor’s had an aura about him for a long time.”

As we approach the big showdown on Saturday night, here’s some lesser-known Georges St. Pierre fights to get you in the mood. First, it’s St. Pierre’s second Octagon appearance at UFC 48, where he beats down current IFL welterweight champ Jay Hieron in under two minutes. Next, it’s GSP’s first pro fight, where Rush staves off the scrappy Ivan Menjivar to score a very questionable TKO via verbal tapout at the end of the first round. And finally, it’s the “GoldenPalace.com” TKO fight against Dave Strasser, which St. Pierre took after his first career loss (vs. Matt Hughes at UFC 50); lovely half-guard to side-control pass at 5:11 and the fight-ending kimura is just as slick.

(GSP vs. Jay Hieron, UFC 48, 6/19/04)

(GSP vs. Ivan Menjivar, UCC 7, 1/25/02; fight starts at the 4:06 mark)

(GSP vs. Dave Strasser, TKO 19, 1/29/05; fight starts at the 3:57 mark)

Props: MMAScraps

We had neither the time nor interest to watch YAMMA live, so if you want a more detailed recap of the sad spectacle than we had in our results post, we recommend going here or here. But if you want the entire depressing, cut-rate experience boiled down into three minutes, look no further than the “Masters Superfight” between Eric “Butterbean” Esch and Patrick “Pillbottle” Smith. Cheers to Smith for dodging Butterbean’s infamous haymakers; jeers to Esch for not being able to get to his feet after slipping. Smith simply got down next to the 416-pound beached whale and dropped punches until Dan Miragliotta decided that the 200 audience members had gotten their money’s worth. If only ‘Bean could have fallen onto the revolutionary YAMMA incline instead — who knows what could have happened…

Many of you wanted the underdog to pull this one out, but it’s hard not to be impressed by Kenny Florian, who faced another tough opponent last night and walked away without so much as a scratch. The match certainly lived up to the hype, with a wild first round and decisive finish. Unfortunately, Lauzon was completely lost under Florian’s mount, and did very little to control Florian’s body. The better fighter won; simple as that. Let’s hope the UFC grants Ken-Flo’s wish and gives him a fight with Huerta to decide the 155-pound division’s next lightweight title contender…

Here’s the five-round stomp-n’-wheeze from Saturday night’s ICON Sport “To Hell and Back” event, where Kala Kolohe Hose overcame Phil Baroni’s soccer kicks (and breathtaking glam-guido ring entrance) to win the middleweight title. Major props to our new blood brothers at MMAVideosOnline for the hookup.

Part 1

Part 2

From Saturday…

Mirko Cro Cop steamrolls Tatsuya Mizuno in 56 seconds.

The night’s freak-show feature: “Minowaman” taps out doughy Korean ex-baseball player Lee Kwan via kneebar.

Kala Kolohe Hose roasted Phil Baroni like a pig at a luau (take that, Ranallo) last night at the Neal S. Blaisdell Arena in Honolulu, defeating the “New York Bad Ass” via TKO due to punches early into the fifth round and winning ICON Sport’s middleweight title. Baroni was dominant in the first round, taking the Hawaiian brawler to the mat right away and brutalizing him with strikes from the top. But Hose managed to hang in, and Baroni appeared gassed for the rest of the fight. In the second round, after Hose was warned for striking Baroni in the back of the head, Baroni leaned over with his hands on his knees and desperately sucked air; in the third round, he came out with his hands down. Hose pounded on Baroni through the third and fourth rounds, and at one point during the fourth, Baroni actually crawled under the bottom rope to escape the onslaught; he was deducted a point. Hose put Baroni out of his misery in the fifth, dropping the NYBA with a punch and finishing him on the ground. The fight was called at the 0:26 mark.

Baroni was attended to by paramedics before being taken to a hospital. As Baroni’s manager Ken Pavia told Sherdog, “Phil’s alert, he’s responsive. It was a tough fight, but he’ll physically be OK…I guess perhaps we underestimated his ability to get in shape in a short period of time, [Baroni] didn’t have it in the gas tank for five and Kala came up and fought a great fight.” Hose, who increased his record to 6-1, called the match “the best fight of my life.” Logically, his first title defense should be against former champion Robbie Lawler as soon as Lawler can get healthy.

We hadn’t heard of any of the other 24 fighters on the “To Hell and Back” card, but if you’re interested in the results, they’re after the jump.

Besides his astounding fighting ability, Gesias “JZ” Calvancante has another advantage going into DREAM‘s all-star lightweight tournament that kicks off Saturday night in Saitama, Japan — he’s already faced three of the guys in the bracket. JZ scored a first-round TKO of Hidetaka Monma at K-1 Hero’s 5 in May 2006, knocked off Andre “Dida” Amade last September to win the K-1 Hero’s 2007 middleweight tournament, and ate his only loss via a decision to Joachim Hansen at a Shooto match in 2004. Here’s his meeting with Dida, which went from wild slugfest to JZ’s usual assault-from above, ending with a brutal armbar. Below that is Calvancante’s opening-round match against Vitor Ribeiro from the same night, in which Shaolin was utterly dominated in 35 seconds.

Josh Koscheck vs. Dustin Hazelett, the best fight of the undercard. Awesome exchanges in the beginning, explosive finish at the end.

Andrei Arlovski vs. Jake O’Brien. Feel free to skip past the entire first round.

More fights after the jump…

We caught a glimpse of him in today’s highlight reel, and some of you (justifiably) felt that he should have been included on this list — we’re speaking of course about Paulo César da Silva, a.k.a. Giant Silva, the 7’2″ mixed martial artist and pro wrestler who compiled a 2-6 record in PRIDE and K-1. In April 2006, he faced Ikuhisa Minowa at PRIDE Bushido; despite having a 17-inch height disadvantage, Minowa brilliantly somersaulted into a takedown and, unbelievably, controlled Silva on the ground until he could end the fight with knees to Silva’s body and head. When it comes to sad freak shows, this was one of the best…

Evan Tanner’s fight against David Terrell at UFC 51 (2/5/05) was actually his second shot at a UFC championship belt — four years earlier he faced Tito Ortiz for the light heavyweight title, but was knocked out via slam after just 32 seconds. After working up a 6-1 record in his next UFC fights and dropping down to middleweight, he was given the chance to fight David Terrell for the vacant middleweight championship. Despite Terrell hanging off his neck for a full 30 seconds during the match, Tanner was able to slip the guillotine attempt and move on top of Terrell, where he ground-and-pounded his way to victory. Unfortunately, he lost his title to Rich Franklin four months later. Tanner returns to the Octagon at UFC 82, where he’ll face Yushin Okami.

If you missed our UFC 81 liveblog, click here. Check out the videos below for Chris Lytle’s nitro-burnin’ bash-fest against Kyle Bradley, and Ricardo Almeida choking out Rob Yundt despite being dropped directly on his head.

Chris Lytle vs. Kyle Bradley:

Ricardo Almeida vs. Rob Yundt:

If you missed Saturday’s play-by-play, click here.

Jorge Rivera steamrolls Kendall Grove.

Marcus Davis’s phantom knockout punch coma-tizes Jess Liaudin.

Colin Robinson goes up against Antoni Hardonk, gets life saved by Mario Yamasaki, whines like an asshole.

On an unrelated note, I’d like to take this opportunity to rag on the UFC for leaving all ring-card-holding duties to Arianny and Edith. If we have to put up with the one-dimensional antics of local scrappers like Paul Taylor, Paul Kelly, and Colin Robinson, could the UFC have maybe found some hot British chicks to step in as guest Octagon Girls? Just a thought. I got a million of ‘em.

Another classic Rampage jam from PRIDE, this one against Ikuhisa “The Punk” Minowa at Shockwave 2003 (12/31/03). I’d argue that Quinton Jackson officially became a star when he brushed away the hand of the referee who was checking his junk at the beginning. (The man certainly does not play that shit!) It’s an exciting fight from start to finish, featuring no less than three body-slams from Jackson, repeated knees to the head, and a sort-of-early stoppage that compels Minowa to get up in Jackson’s face then immediately think better of it.

I don’t know much about Shawn Tompkins, besides the fact that he briefly replaced Bas Rutten as coach of the Los Angeles Anacondas last year, and the fighters he trains at Xtreme Couture seem to revere him. Now that it’s been reported that Tompkins will be heading up the Xtreme Couture team for the IFL’s 2008 season, I decided to do some digging. It turns out that his professional fight career was brief, spanning only four fights in a Canadian MMA league called UCC. All four fights ended with him getting mounted and pounded out in the first round. You’d think he’d want to learn how to defend himself against that after his second GnP loss, but it didn’t happen. Below are the endings of all four of those fights. Ironically, one of Shawn’s IFL proteges was Chris Horodecki — now you see where he gets his ground game.

Shawn Tompkins vs. Matt Rocca, 6/2/00

Shawn Tompkins vs. Steve Vigneault, 8/12/00

Shawn Tompkins vs. David Loiseau, 5/12/01

Shawn Tompkins vs. Joel Leblanc, 10/19/01

While Yarennoka! was ringing in 2008 in Saitama, K-1 was celebrating its own New Year’s Eve MMA tradition in Osaka with its Premium 2007 Dynamite!! show, a 15-fight card that featured Joachim Hansen, Kid Yamamoto, Kazushi Sakuraba, and a marquee matchup between Bob Sapp and Bobby Ologun. (Full results from the night can be found here.) You already know Bob Sapp as the crybaby brawler who we’ve begged to retire. Bobby Ologun is a Nigerian-born television personality, beloved in Japan for his butchering of the Japanese language and minstrel-like facial expressions; he’s fought at the last four K-1 Premium Dynamite!! events, including a 16-second loss to Hong Man Choi last year. On Monday, Bob Sapp needed over four minutes to beat Ologun. It’s hard to think of an American equivalent to a sideshow like this — maybe picture Tracy Morgan spending four months in a gym and then fighting Mike Tyson. Enjoy…

Jason “Mayhem” Miller and Frank “Twinkle Toes” Trigg are headlining tomorrow night’s HDNet Fights: Reckless Abandon show (more on that later), and though the two middleweights are fighting separately, they met previously at “Icon Sport: Mayhem vs. Trigg” (12/1/06), where Miller lost the middleweight belt that he had just taken from Robbie Lawler. Icon’s rules are similar to PRIDE’s former rules, so brace yourself for loads of soccer-kicks to the head and one seriously unsympathetic ref.