(“Call me Aldo Montoya again, bitch!”)

By Seth Falvo (@SethFalvo)

When Nick Ring walked to the cage on Saturday accompanied by professional wrestling legend Bret “The Hitman” Hart, it was one more example of mixed martial arts’ quirky love affair with professional wrestling. Oh sure, we like to pretend that we have nothing in common with those peculiar Puroresu practitioners because our sport is real, both in terms of the violence and the personalities associated with it. Nonsense. With fake fighters crossing over to the real stuff, real fighters crossing over to the fake stuff, fake matches “borrowing” their outcomes from real fights, real promos “borrowing” from the classic fake stuff and multiple guys dabbling in both sports, the line between the two is arguably blurrier now than it was back when Ken Shamrock was ankle locking fools in the World Wrestling Federation.

It should come as no surprise then that we’ve seen our share of professional fighters attempting honest-to-God professional wrestling moves in real fights. We know, we know: We’re totally not supposed to be trying this stuff at home. But fortunately for us, the following brave men have ignored the countless warnings, the advice of their trainers and their own common sense to provide us with the most entertainingly reckless ways to injure their fellow men.

But before we break out the face paint and spandex, let’s establish how I’ll be ranking such absurd maneuvers. The moves will be ranked based on their immediate effectiveness, how true to form they stay to their kayfabe counterparts, and the competence of their opponents. Let’s face it: Even if you do something insanely cool and difficult from professional wrestling in an MMA fight, if you then get knocked out, you still look like a chump. Let’s also acknowledge that a punch to a downed opponent has no business being called The Worm without the accompanying theatrics. Finally, it’s a lot easier to pull off a complex move in a fight when your opponent totally sucks at fighting. Those are my rules, and if you’re not down with that, I got two words for ya: LET’S BEGIN!

Fans slept through the first 899 seconds of the bout, and Fulton through the last one.

MMA fans are quick to dismiss a card that lacks a lot of star power, but sometimes those events come through with exciting fights and lightning quick stoppages. This is not one of those times. It’s one thing when a surly blogger talks a little trash about an event, but when the organization’s announcer tweets that he’s falling asleep mid-bout and the promoter jokingly agrees you know that the card didn’t even live up to whatever low expectations you may have had for it.

While their first show back from exile was largely a success, ProElite took a gamble last night and lost by focusing their attention on heavyweights. When a mere pair of heavyweight fights can mar an otherwise enjoyable UFC card, the odds of twelve second-and-third-tier big boys delivering a memorable night of fights for ProElite seemed unlikely.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/ProElite)

ProElite today named the participants of the second bracket of its planned heavyweight grand prix and there’s a pretty good chance you won’t recognize the names on the list.

Contrary to popular belief and ads that inferred as much, the tournament will not include former UFC heavyweight champions Andrei Arlovski and Tim Sylvia. According to the press release sent out by Stratus Media Group, the tournament will be structured similarly to Strikeforce’s Challenger Series in that the “up-and-coming’ winner will earn a shot at an upper-main card slot on a future event.

(Which one is the dead horse?)

CagePotato.com has learned that ProElite’s second show under its new ownership and management will happen November 5 at the iWireless Center in Moline, Illinois. Although no announcements have been made regarding the event, which is tentatively dubbed “ProElite II” or the show’s fight card, according to a published report,  former UFC heavyweight champions Tim Sylvia (29-7) and Andrei Arlovski (16-9) are both verified to be on the card, only not against each other just yet.

ProElite had originally planned to hold its next show back in Hawaii, but evidently decided that Illinois was a better fit, considering Arlovski lives and trains two hours west of Moline in Chicago and Sylvia is a part-time police officer in Milan, less than 15 minutes away from the venue.

According to the report, Sylvia will be taking on another former UFC champ instead, Pedro Rizzo in the show’s main event and Arlovski will square off with journeyman fighter Travis Fulton (247 – 48 – 10 1 NC ).

Can-crusher (n.): MMA fighter who makes his reputation by destroying the weak and inexperienced, but falls apart when faced with an opponent who’s half-decent. In no particular order, here are the eight fighters who have defined "can-crushing" more than anybody else in the sport, beginning with one who should still be very fresh in your minds…

BRANDON VERA (11-6)

Notable cans crushed in the last three years: Reese Andy, Mike Patt
Biggest win in the last three years: Krzysztof Soszynski
Recent losses: Thiago Silva, Jon Jones, Randy Couture
A cautionary tale about believing your own hype, Brandon Vera’s career has unfolded in two distinct phases: The "sky’s the limit" phase, in which Vera hacked through every opponent in his path, culminating in his beat-down of former champ Frank Mir at UFC 65 — and the "when is this dude getting fired?" phase, marked by contract disputes, unchecked ego, underwhelming performances, and a half-dozen losses. Following the Thiago Silva fight at UFC 125, we expect the Truth to be sent back down to the minors where he can prey on scrubs for a while.

ALEKSANDER EMELIANENKO (17-4)

Notable cans crushed in the last three years: Miodrag Petkovic, Eddy Bengtsson, Ibragim Magomedov, Sang Soo Lee
Biggest win in the last three years: Honestly, he hasn’t beaten anybody worth mentioning.
Recent loss: Peter Graham
Fedor’s younger brother built a fearsome reputation in PRIDE for his ice-cold demeanor and lightning-fast knockouts of equally scary-looking mofos like James Thompson and Ricardo Morais. But ever since he left the Japanese scene in 2006 to compete almost exclusively in Europe, his career has drifted steadily out of relevance. A 2008 deal with Affliction signaled a return to meaningful competition, but it didn’t work out — reportedly because of health issues that he has denied ever since. His painful loss to Peter Graham last month suggested that even his can-crushing days might be coming to an end.