The Ultimate Fighter 9 – Episode 6 Submissions – Watch more Funny Videos

When Michael Bisping went AWOL during Dean Amasinger’s fight against Damarques Johnson, the nation wanted answers. Had he been in a car wreck? Was he holed up in a motel room with a crack pipe? Did he finally get picked up on his outstanding buggery warrants? Nah, the dude just overslept. He was badly jet-lagged, and was sawing logs while Dean was getting his ass kicked. Not exactly the cliffhanger we were hoping for, and the whole thing was resolved in about 20 seconds. 

Other than that, last night’s episode was very satisfying, with two fights (I’m liking this trend) and some highly ironic tooth-loss thrown in at the end. To begin at the beginning…

(The UFC garage-door backdrop — never a good sign.)

Team U.S. lightweight Santino Defranco gives us the inside scoop on Cameron Dollar’s tall tales, Jason Dent’s future as a presidential assassin, "black on black crime," and the quarterfinal fight that knocked him out of contention on Wednesday’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter.

***

From one of the greatest movies of all time, "You don’t mow another mans lawn."

That statement still holds true today, especially when you are going to announce to the world, on live television mind you, that you slept with your best friend’s wife. Bad form man. Very bad form. I am a married man and the thing I hold "most" sacred in this world is my marriage. There is nothing and I mean NOTHING more sacred to me than my wife and the bond we share. If I found out that my best friend(s) were sleeping with my wife I would live out the rest of my days behind steel bars or in solitary.

Anyways, now that I’m done with being creepy myself, back to the show.

The Ultimate Fighter 9 – Episode 5 Highlights – Watch more Funny Videos
(The ends of the Defranco/Winner and Johnson/Amasinger fights.)

Last Night’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter treated us to two quarterfinal matches — as well as a total breakdown within Team U.S. and the mysterious disappearance of Michael Bisping. "Wiggity Wack" (the episode’s actual title, according to my DVR) began by showing us just how fractured the Americans were becoming. Jason Dent implores his team to be mature after their first loss in episode 4, and Cameron Dollar basically tells him to stuff it, then tells the team about the 70-80 girls he’s humped, including his friend’s wife. (Hope your friend knew about that before the show, player.) Meanwhile, Team U.S.’s Jason Pierce and Team U.K.’s David Faulkner bond in the hot tub over their shared nerdiness, with Pierce predicting they’ll be friends after the show.

(You think that’s gay, just wait ’til you see what they did to Andre Winner‘s rainbow-colored booty-shorts.)

Ricardo Feliciano abuses the English language, Cyrille Diabate abuses alcohol, and more behind-the-scenes nuggets from Wednesday’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter, courtesy of Team USA lightweight Santino Defranco.

***

Jason Dent and Frankie Lester are officially part of the "Independent Americans". The fighters from the USA, myself included, were by no means a cohesive unit like the UK fighters. Team UK ate together, with head chef and cooking captain Dean Amasinger at the helm. They played together, participating in sports, WWE-style wrestling matches, and other limey-esque games generally led by England’s bouncer of the year and lead playwright, Dave Faulkner. And, with my new knowledge, thanks to modern technological devises such as cameras and tele’s, I have seen that they trained together, led by the "Gov’na" himself, Michael "TV will show how I can throw a tantrum" Bisping". The American counterparts, on the other hand, would have little to do with one another.

To the defense of the seemingly megalomaniacal Americans, we had just met each other and were now being recorded 24 hours a day by camera crews, some of whom had handlebar porn-staches and even went to the extreme of hiding in our closets in the middle of the night. That was a bit awkward for us. Team UK, however, had almost two weeks to get acquainted with each other before filming began. Team USA was not afforded that luxury, as we fought and were immediately thrown in a house with an angry, drunk hobbit. We were getting to know every one’s personality and idiosyncrasies during the first few weeks of filming. There was, however, a common ground of distaste between the Yanks, personified by the "Count", Michael Bisping.

TUF 9.4: Nick Osipczak KOs Mark Miller – Watch more Funny Videos
(Nick Osipczak puts Team U.K. on the board with his head-kick knockout of Mark Miller. Cheerio, bitches.)

In the battle of personal property defacement, Team U.S. is routing the Brits by a score of 2-0 — if only they could be that dominant in the Octagon. Last night’s episode of TUF 9 featured the show’s first quarterfinal match, with well-rounded beanpole Nick Osipczak drawing first blood for Team U.K., thanks to a highlight-reel knockout of the much scarier-looking Mark Miller.

The episode opened with the coaches introducing us to their assistants. Michael Bisping has flown in his own trainers at Wolfslair — Mario "Sucata" Neto (wrestling/submissions) and Dave Jackson (striking) — who will now be acting as his helpers. Dan Henderson is rolling a little deeper with Heath Sims (wrestling), Cyrille Diabate (Muay Thai), Ricardo Feliciano (jiu-jitsu), and Gustavo Pugliese (boxing).

Team U.S. is at a disadvantage because they just had to go through their elimination fights; Team U.K.’s took place two weeks prior. Hendo chooses the relatively unscathed welterweight Mark Miller to represent the Americans first against Nick Osipczak, who didn’t look like much in his elimination match against Tommy Maguire. "One to us," Bisping says of the pick.

The Ultimate Fighter 9: Episode 3 Stoppages – Watch more Funny Videos
(Last night’s stoppages. See you at the TUF 9 finale, Rob.)

To quote Sgt. Hartman, it looks to me like the best part of Rob Browning ran down the crack of his momma’s ass and ended up as a stain on the mattress. My God what a useless dipshit. He’s like the dumbest redneck in the world doing a bad impression of Junie Browning. Anyway, he’s gone now, after folding like a bitch at the first sign of pressure during last night’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K., meaning UFC washout Jason Dent is now a full-fledged member of Team USA. The 8th American spot went to welterweight alternate Frank Lester who benefitted from Kiel Reid’s unfortunate self-knockout.  But before all that…

Both teams arrive at the TUF house, and everyone’s fairly cool with each other at first. But when nobody steps up to be Rob Browning’s drinking buddy — his Shane Nelson, if you will — he gets all butthurt and starts launching eggs at his housemates from a balcony. Then he pisses in a shower, and promptly gets in the face of the larger Jason Pierce (a recurring theme with these Browning brothers). Rob smashes an egg on Jason’s chest, and Jason shows tremendous restraint in not ripping him about five new assholes.

Like Gerald Harris and Efrain Escudero before him, Team USA lightweight Santino Defranco has the great honor of blogging his reactions to each episode of The Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K. every Thursday right here on CagePotato.com. Here’s what he had to say about last night’s episode, in which Santino first met Dana White (aka Lord Humungus), and dug waaaay deep to get his first victory on the show. Enjoy.

***

I was completely at peace with the fact that I was about to go through with the most tumultuous event in my life — fighting to get into a house, where I would be cut off from the rest of the world (no TV, music, magazines, books, correspondence with my wife and family) for six weeks, all the while being filmed 24 hours a day to be broadcast on national television. Then Dana White came in, and all that calmness I spent weeks preparing went out the window.

When Dana White walks into a room he’s noticed. Not only is he a physically imposing figure being around 6’2" and probably 250lbs, but he is a man of power. The latter is by far more intimidating than the former. Knowing that this bald human basically holds my future in the palm of his hand, turns me from an "Ultimate Fighter" to a child waiting to see if he is going to be praised or punished for whatever questionable deed has been done.

As Dana lined us up the nervousness that embodied that room was something fantastic. You could see people smiling, laughing, biting their cheeks, fidgeting, and even in Pierce’s case…fainting. Don’t be fooled by those swash-buckling tricksters, all was done out of nervousness, including my own silence, which, as the show continues you will see is a rarity.

The Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K., episode 1 highlights – Watch more free videos
(Last night’s stoppages, not including David Faulkner’s heel-hook on James Bateman, because my DVR cut off before the last fight. Fuck a Time Warner Cable.)

The Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K. kicked off last night with the elimination matches at Wolfslair Academy, where 16 British TUF hopefuls were whittled down to four lightweights and four welterweights. Here’s how the fights panned out…

Andre Winner (LW) def. Gary Kelly via KO, round 1

Jeff Lawson (LW) def. James Bryan via armbar, round 1

James Wilks (WW) def. Che Mills via heel-hook, round 1

Martin Stapleton (LW) def. Dan James via rear-naked choke, round 1

Ross Pearson (LW) def. A.J. Wenn via TKO, round 2

Nick Osipczak (WW) def. Tommy Maguire via TKO, round 1

Dean Amasinger (WW) def. Alex Reid via decision, round 3

David Faulkner (WW) def. James Bateman via heel-hook, round 1

Notes…

As we see in the latest installment of his video blog, Dana White was still in England yesterday, presiding over the London tryouts of The Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K. 175 limey scrappers showed up (or “over 200,” depending on when you ask Dana), up from about 30 the last time they held open auditions there. This is actually the first TUF tryout footage I’ve ever seen, and it was an interesting behind-the-scenes look — particularly for Dana’s speech before the grappling portion, in which he told the guys that there’s no shame in tapping, but “no heel-hooks, no slams, no crazy shit.” It’s a safe, nurturing environment, in other words. Also, Michael Bisping stops by to show Dana his grody ear.

Related: MMA Weekly reports that the weight-classes featured on TUF 9 will actually be lightweights (again) and welterweights, not middleweights and welterweights as previously announced; no reason for the change has been given yet.

(They don’t call him “Handsome Dan” for nothing. Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle.)

Sherdog has confirmed that Michael Bisping’s next opponent — and his rival coach on the next season of The Ultimate Fighter — will be the winner of the Rich Franklin/Dan Henderson fight at UFC 93 (January 17th; Dublin, Ireland). TUF‘s “U.S. vs. U.K.” season will feature middleweights and welterweights, and is slated to premiere in April ’09.

Though a win against either Ace or Hendo could qualify Bisping for an immediate title shot against Anderson Silva (or Patrick Cote, LOL) — and wins against Franklin and Bisping could earn Henderson a rematch with the Spider — you have to wonder what’s in it for Rich Franklin. Let’s say he becomes the U.S. coach for TUF 9. He’ll have to drop back down to middleweight to fight Michael Bisping at the end of the season, but if he beats Bisping, it’s not like he’ll move any closer to a third middleweight title shot against Silva. He’ll just return to 205, with his standing in that division no higher than it was in the first place. Could it be that Ace just needs another Hummer to auction off?