(“I swear to God, you guys, I had an injury THIS BIG.” Photo courtesy of Getty Images.) 

It’s weird to think about, but the fallout from Stephan Bonnar’s second post-fight steroid bust at UFC 153 has almost been completely washed over by the MMA community. Although his one-year suspension was obviously negated by the fact that he retired from the sport shortly thereafter, even UFC President Dana White — who has been in Bonnar’s corner ever since his legendary fight with Forrest Griffin at the TUF 1 Finale – has all but refused to comment on the situation.

And as for Bonnar? Well, the normally outspoken light heavyweight has been similarly silent — likely due in part to the birth of his son — since exiting the UFC on such terrible terms. Until now, that is.

For the first time since the fight itself, Bonnar addressed the factors that led him to get popped for Drostanolone following UFC 153 during an interview on The MMA Hour (Author’s note: WHAT ABOUT US, STEPHAN?). Although Stephan took full responsibility for his actions, his reasoning for why he fell back on the juice yet again didn’t exactly absolve him of all guilt (via MMAFighting):

…after being shelved for months and being advised to retire by UFC president Dana White, he had given up hope of closing out his career with a major fight…But then, out of the blue, the semi-retired fighter got the phone call he never thought was coming. After about 10 months without a fight, he was being asked to compete against the the sport’s pound-for-pound king, Anderson Silva.

Believe it or not, there are some therapeutic uses to some of the banned substances,” he said. “Bottom line, I wanted to get my strength back. I was very weak. My body didn’t feel good, my joints didn’t feel good. That was my goal.

Poor Stephan; the dude spent upwards of seven years fighting for the UFC and never realized that there was a completely legal way to deal with the aging process.

More from the interview after the jump. 

Geez, these XARM events have been getting weird…

It can be argued that no losing fighter has ever deserved one of UFC’s famous locker-room bonus checks than Fabio Maldonado after his downright terrifying loss to Glover Teixeira at UFC 153.

If this was professional wrestling, we’d say this was the fight that got Glover “over” in the UFC. The brutal asskicking that Teixeira dished out transitioned him from MMA’s best-kept secret to a legitimate light-heavyweight contender, causing fans throughout the world to say “Huh, so that’s what a 10-7 round looks like.”

Yet Fabio Maldonado kept fighting back, almost pulling off one of the most insane comebacks in UFC history as he rocked Teixeira near the end of the first round. Maldonado kept coming back for more until the cageside doctor put an end to the fight after the second round. I’m not going to write something cheesy like “it was a moral victory for Fabio Maldonado,” but I would understand why a person would.

The beating that Fabio Maldonado took wasn’t for nothing – at least not financially. Maldonado revealed on his Facebook page that he recently received one of the UFC’s famed locker-room bonus checks, and it was worth more money than his win bonus would have been. Via MMAWeekly:

(Unfortunately for him, Bonnar’s sad puppy face failed to inspire any sympathy.) 

Not that it really matters given his retirement from the sport and all, but according to the UFC’s VP of regulatory affairs, Marc Ratner, the verdict has already been turned in for Stephan Bonnar, who pissed hot after his UFC 153 loss to Anderson Silva. “The American Psycho” will receive a one year suspension as a result of his positive test for Drostanolone. But again, being that Bonnar pulled a Richard Nixon and got the fuck out of office — thereby negating the weight of all possible punishments — we’re sure he won’t be planning on putting up much of a fight. The fact that he has yet to even make a statement regarding his test further solidifies this theory.

But here’s where things get interesting.

Also according to Ratner, the punishment in the case of Dave Herman‘s second failed test for marijuana will not only be a suspension of “months,” but could require him to enter a rehab facility as well.

(…but damn, did he look good doing it.)

As first reported by MMAJunkie, Stephan Bonnar and Dave Herman both tested positive for banned substances in their UFC 153 post-fight drug screenings. With no athletic commission in place in Brazil, the UFC independently tested all 24 fighters who competed at the October 13th card at Rio de Janeiro’s HSBC Arena — and unfortunately nailed a pair of repeat offenders.

Bonnar, who announced his retirement from MMA earlier this week, tested positive for the anabolic steroid Drostanolone following his TKO loss to Anderson Silva in UFC 153′s main event. It is the second steroid bust for Bonnar, who was suspended for nine months after popping positive for Boldenone in 2006. Now that Bonnar is retired from the sport, a suspension won’t be much of a punishment, though it certainly puts a black mark on the end of a crowd-pleasing career inside the Octagon. (Conspiracy theory time: Bonnar knew he’d be retiring after the Silva fight, and he simply didn’t give a fuck.)

As for the one they call Pee Wee…

(We’re sorry, Stephan, but unless those things are actual guns, you’re getting your ass kicked tonight.) 

In the days leading up to UFC 153, many of you (and by you, we mean the entire MMA Interwebz) had some less than favorable things to say about the pairing of Stephan Bonnar and Anderson Silva. As if the bookies hadn’t told us all we needed to know, the general consensus among fans seemed to be the evening’s main event was a “travesty, a sham, and a mockery” that “blasphemed the great sport of MMA” and was a “completely meaningless squash match” whose “insulting pairing” would be reflected in “the abysmal pay-per-view numbers it receives.” And those were the favorable comments.

But for every fifteen of you complaining, there were apparently five or more of you who were forced to stifle your true excitement over this matchup like a pedo at a tee-ball game, because if the early numbers are any indication, squash matches featuring unstoppable killing machines are the new superfights. According to several reports, the pay-per-view numbers for UFC 153 are in the range of 340,00 to 410,000 buys. These numbers not only exceeded expectation, but are not that far below September’s squash match of the month featuring Jon Jones and Vitor Belfort, which managed to clear over 450,000 buys despite having those little guys that no one cares about fighting in the night’s co-main event.

(“You know what else doesn’t work on me? Left hooks to the fa-DAMN IT!” / Photo via Inovafoto)

Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira is the oldest 36-year-old in the history of humanity. And while he came into his UFC 153 fight against Dave Herman as a more-than 2-1 favorite, he didn’t inspire much confidence at the weigh-ins, where he dragged his way up to the stage, shook Arianny Celeste‘s hand (perhaps mistaking her for Burt Watson?), used his brother to brace himself while taking off his wind pants, removed his shirt to reveal a noticeably soft midsection, then limped his way to the staredown.

As it turns out, there’s a reason why Big Nog may have looked even more decrepit than usual that weekend (via MMAConvert):

Former interim UFC heavyweight champion Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira fought Dave Herman at UFC 153 with a fractured rib. Nogueira suffered the injury a week into training for the short notice bout with Herman in Brazil. “Fractured my rib three weeks ago on my right side,” said Nogueira, in an interview with SporTV. “I went to the doctor, took a local anesthetic to be able to train.”

(“You got punched where? And by who? I’m not sure I understand.”) 

If anything, UFC 153 provided us with several entertaining moments to confirm what we already knew, or at least hoped, to be true:

1. This Anderson Silva guy is for real.
2. This Glover Texmexamerica guy is also for real. Look out Page.
3. Jon Fitch is in fact capable of entertaining a crowd. (fight it….fight it…)
4. This Jiu Jitsu stuff works.
5. Fabio Maldanado is the closest thing to a zombie this earth may ever witness.

That last lesson came at a price that Maldanado will likely pay down the line in terms of brain function, but who needs brains when you have to special order your underwear to hold your massive balls? And if there’s any country out there that appreciates as gritty a performance as Maldonado gave on Saturday, it’s Brazil. And while they rallied around fellow Brazilian Glover Teixeira’s solid performance against Maldonado, they were quick to support their fallen comrade as well.

So in an effort to support Maldonado’s incredible display of heart, fellow UFC 153 participants/Brazilians Anderson Silva and Antonio Nogueira (along with Lil Nog) paid Maldonado a visit in the hospital. Tears were spilled, laughs were shared, and we’re pretty sure at least one of them fired up the grill, so check out the pair of photos and let us know who you’d like to see Maldonado fight next now that his UFC future is safe for the moment.

(Heading into his bout at UFC 144, Jackson found strength in the words of his former Shaolin master: “Ret ra rage fro froo you.” Ten minutes later, this happened.)

Rampage Jackson’s ongoing feud with the UFC — which we feel so far removed from that we’ve all but completely forgotten what started it in the first place (money? boring fights? stank bref?) — has clearly taken a toll on both his popularity and his fighting career over the years, as Twitter rants and rape videos are wont to do. After getting submitted by Jon Jones at UFC 135, Jackson showed up heavy, then got wrestlefucked by Ryan Bader when we last saw him, in a performance that would quickly be out-shined (not in a good way) by his hilariously awkward foray into the Japanese hip hop scene later that evening. Needless to say, it appeared as if the power-bombing, Liddell era-ending Rampage we all came to know and love was but a distant memory.

Jackson was then expected to finally bid the UFC adieu at last weekend’s UFC 153 event against Brazilian slugger Glover Teixeira, but then yada yada yada he got injured. Teixeira would go on to beat the ever-loving dogshit out of Fabio Maldonado, whereas Jackson would go on to eat the ever loving shit out of some chili cheese FRITOS. But after consuming those heavenly bits of artificially flavored corn and realizing that Teixeira was in fact a legitimate opponent to build his post-UFC resume on, Jackson quickly doubled back on his “I don’t care who I fight anymore” mentality and proceeded to call Teixeira out on Twitter:

Yo @danawhite set up that fight with Glover please! Lets give him what he wants..fans I won’t let u down #fightofthenight

Dana White quickly responded with “sounds good bro,” which basically means that this thing is a done deal. Basically.

(Buy it here.)

On Saturday night at UFC 153, Anderson Silva TKO’d Stephan Bonnar with a knee to the solar plexus that briefly paralyzed him, followed by some punches on the ground. The fight was called at 4:40 of round 1, which means…TOPDOG, YOU ARE OUR WINNER. The Dog’s prediction of “Anderson Silva def. Stephan Bonner via TKO (strikes) @ :23 seconds left in Rd. 1” — though strange in its syntax — came closest to the fight’s actual result, which means he gets the Blacktalians t-shirt, as promised. So Topdog, please e-mail contest@cagepotato.com with your real name, address, and shirt size, and we’ll get it sent out ASAP. The rest of you can get the shirt the old-fashioned way. Props to Longo/Serra MMA and East Coast MMA Fight Shop for the hookup.

Props: mmafanmade.tumblr.com

By George Shunick

If there’s a word that sums up UFC 153, it’s got to be “wow”. Anderson Silva gave another performance indicating that we do indeed live in the Matrix. Jon Fitch was in the most exciting fight of the night, and one of the best of the year. Big Nog submitted a man impervious to jiu-jitsu. Demian Maia choked/neck-cranked a man so hard he had a mini-hemorrhage and blood spurted out of his nose. And perhaps most impressive of all, Wagner Prado actually stopped a hat thief.

The bottom line is UFC 153 was an amazing card that delivered from top to bottom. Could it have been better if it had Frankie Edgar square off against Jose Aldo? Probably. But I’ll take another transcendental show from Anderson Silva any day of the week. And that’s exactly what his fight with Stephan Bonnar was. After a slip, Bonnar pressed Silva into the cage, presumably looking to wear the smaller fighter down. Silva wasn’t having any of it, offering a few knees, shoulder shrugs and nothing else. Bonnar backed away and then things got weird. Silva remained on the fence, hands down, encouraging Bonnar to hit him.

Now, I know Stephan Bonnar isn’t the world’s greatest striker. He’s never shown serious knockout power, and his technique has never been the best. But he’s still a 230 pound man who’s spent the majority of his adult life learning how to hurt people. He’s a professional fighter. And for about 4 minutes and 40 seconds last night, those facts didn’t amount to jack shit. Silva dodged, deflected or simply absorbed Bonnar’s offense for about two minutes, demonstrating what a black belt in Tae Kwon Do is worth against a man who seems to know what you’re going to do before you do. Then, Silva decided to end the fight. He tripped Bonnar, established some separation, and then connected with a debilitating, pin-point knee to the solar plexus. Bonnar – who had never been stopped with strikes before – collapsed and waited for the end to come. Mercifully, it did.

MMA Fighting caught up with Dana White last night in Rio after UFC 153 to dig into topics not fully explored during the post fight presser and the Prez had some interesting things to say. The most ear-catching thing for us came near the end of the interview when White said that the UFC was hoping to have suspended heavyweight Alistair Overeem fight for the title against the winner of Cain Velasquez and Junior Dos Santos as soon as he was cleared to.

Overeem came to the UFC in late 2011 and earned a title shot after stopping former champion Brock Lesnar in the first round. This, of course, came after he led the Nevada State Athletic Commission on an international goose chase as they tried to get him to complete his pre fight drug tests.

Then as he was nearing his next fight, Alistair tried to run out on a random drug test conducted by the commission and then, when he ultimately did take it, failed. As a result, he’s currently suspended.

(How about dropping to your knees and begging for a swift death? Would that work? / Photo via MMAFighting.com)

The matchup between UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva and light-heavyweight non-champion Stephan Bonnar has been called everything from a “fun fight,” to a mother’s worst nightmare. Tonight at the HSBC Center in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, we’re going to find out what this weird freak show will actually look like. Our only prediction is that Griffin Bonnar‘s first image of his father will be a bruised and lumpy one.

Luckily, there are plenty of far-more-legitimate matches on the UFC 153 main card, including Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira vs. Dave Herman, Erick Silva vs. Jon Fitch, and Glover Teixiera vs. Fabio Maldonado. And as with previous shows in Brazil, the local fans will make sure that the show is just as entertaining outside of the cage.

Round-by-round results from the UFC 153 pay-per-view broadcast will be stacking up after the jump beginning at 10 p.m. ET / 7 p.m. PT, courtesy of CagePotato liveblogger-supreme Anthony Gannon. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest, and be sure to tell us how you feel in the comments section. Thanks for stopping by.

(If only the fight were held under West Coast Pose-Down rules, Bonnar would actually have a chance. / Photo via MMAFighting.com, click for full-size image.)

- Cops: Jeremy Stephens’ Alleged Victim Beaten Unconscious, Stopped Breathing Twice (MMAFighting)

- UFC 153: Bonnar vs. Silva, Tex Cobb vs. Larry Holmes and Courage Through Standing in Front of a Locomotive (BloodyElbow)

- Erick Silva Talks Twilight Series, Fighting Jon Fitch (HeavyMMA)

- Jon Fitch: Getting Title Shots Is A ‘Popularity Contest’ (Fightline)

- VADA Offers Drug Testing for TUF Finale Main Event, Carwin’s Camp Says That’s News to Them (MMAWeekly)

- Bellator 76′s Rad Martinez Out to Prove He’s no ‘Charity Case’ (MMAJunkie)

- Emily Ratajkowski Gets Saucy with Sara Underwood in Carl’s Jr Ad (MensFitness)

- 30 Hilarious Animal Photobombs (Complex)

- The Ultimate Faceplants Compilation (WorldWideInterweb)

- Chefs of Anarchy: New York’s Best Fries (MadeMan)

- Christopher Walken Reads “Honey Boo Boo” (ScreenJunkies)

- Russian Soldiers Flee Exploding Ammunition Stockpiles (EgoTV)

- B*tch, Get Off My Bus: Uppercut Edition (WorldStar, Baby)

(It was at the UFC 153 pre-fight press conference that Stephan Bonnar revealed his true gameplan to defeat Anderson: G.T.L.) 

All the fighters for tomorrow night’s UFC 153 event are scheduled to hit the scales starting at 3 p.m. EST this afternoon from the HSBC Arena in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, so make sure to swing by the Tater to check out all the intense, barely-clothed staredowns you could ever ask for. Did that come off as gay? Because we didn’t mean for it to come off as gay; not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Anyway, a string of injuries (go figure) and a good old fashioned case of hepatitis have dramatically altered the face of UFC 153, leaving us with a main event matchup that, when viewed through an incredibly narrow and skewed lens, is almost plausible. So swing by this afternoon to see whether or not Stephan Bonnar will piss himself after he realizes just how big of a mistake he has actually made, whether or not Anderson Silva will come dressed as a Jabbawockee again, and whether or not the Brazilian audience will still be donning their “I fucked Chael Sonnen Last Night” t-shirts. Also, be sure to swing by tomorrow at 10 p.m. EST for our official liveblog of all the action!

(Props: YouTube.com/UFC)

Anderson Silva, Stephan Bonnar, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Dave Herman, Fabio Maldonado, and Glover Teixeira were in attendance for the UFC 153 press conference in Rio earlier today, fielding questions from a multi-national conglomerate of media professionals. The full video is above, though as you can imagine, there’s a lot of translation involved. Short version: The UFC wants to host a stadium show in Brazil next year, Anderson Silva is seriously not interested in facing Jon Jones, and Dave Herman has pretty much signed his own death warrant by insulting jiu-jitsu before a fight against Big Nog. Bonnar looks pretty chill, considering the circumstances.

Be sure to swing by CagePotato.com Saturday night beginning at 10 p.m. ET / 7 p.m. PT for our liveblog of the UFC 153 main card!

(Well, at least the poster is as half-assed as the main event.) 

By Dan “Get Off Me” George

I’ll be honest, when I first heard of the new main event for UFC 153, I thought we were all the victims of some intricate ruse on the UFC’s part. Surely the head honchos at Zuffa didn’t consider a “fun” squash match on the level of Joe Lauzon vs Jens Pulver to be the best possible option for a country that was recently denied the biggest fight of all time, right? But I guess when an injury curse on the level of 2012′s hits, you do what you can to simply stay afloat, and in that sense the UFC has succeeded.

Luckily for us, the UFC has also succeeded in putting together a card that provides plenty of opportunities to prosper from a wagering perspective as well. This time around, I will attempt to follow the lead of Jared “Money Bags” Jones, who provided both the gift and the curse for UFC on FX 5: Browne vs. Silva with his parlay picks, so follow me as I highlight a few names on the preliminary cards for Facebook and FX and breakdowns of all fights on the PPV portion of UFC 153. All betting odds come courtesy of BestFightOdds.

Facebook + FX prelims

Reza Madadi stands out in the two FB fights; Sweden has been hot in the octagon lately and I think “Mad Dog” (not Anthony Macias) at around -200 has the right combination of size and all around ground advantage to deal with Marcello’s submissions game and win his second straight UFC fight.

Gleison Tibau hovering around -160 should be able to stifle fellow Brazilian Francisco Drinaldo and find a way back into the UFC win column after dropping a hard fought loss to Khabib Nurmagomedov at UFC 148. Tibau has fought solid competition throughout his lengthy UFC career and I do not think Francisco has the right tools to win this fight. An underdog that may be worth a look is Renee Forte at around +200 against Sergio Moraes, who dropped a unanimous decision last time out due in part to his in-ring demeanor, which did not seem to go over well with the judges.

South Florida has its Blackzilians, and New York has its Blacktalians. The incredible t-shirt you see above is a collaboration between Longo/Serra MMA and East Coast MMA Fight Shop, and features the famous “Ray Longo as a younger, suprisingly handsome man” photo that the acclaimed trainer proudly hangs in his gym, and proudly uses as his twitter avatar. You can buy one of these shirts right here for $26.

Of course, we wouldn’t even mention this if we weren’t giving you a chance to win one for free. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s fight-picking time. And we’re going to keep it real simple this time. On Saturday night, Anderson Silva will meet Stephan Bonnar in the main event of UFC 153 in Rio. You’re going to tell us who will win and how. Your entry should be in this format:

(It’s pretty obvious who takes the “Cooler Hairstyle” category.)

It’s time for some real talk, Potato Nation. Stephan Bonnar is booking a one-way train ticket to Painsville Station on Saturday night and Anderson Silva is the conductor. I know it, you know it, the bookies know it, and your mom knows it (I asked her last night. Say hi to her for me, alright?). Matter of fact, if “The American Psycho” is simply able to come away from the fight in the same state of matter he began it in, everyone watching will unquestionably declare his performance a win for America, the UFC, and perhaps even the Caucasian race.

But this fight is about more than who’s accomplished what or who holds what title or who may or may not have lost to a decrepit Mark Coleman. There are several x-factors at play here, and when we decided to match up Stephan Bonnar and Anderson Silva for one of our infamous head to head sessions, the results might surprise you. Let’s get started.

AGE
Bonnar: 35
Silva: 37
Advantage: Bonnar

SIZE
Bonnar: 6’3″, walks around at roughly 235 lbs, 80 inch reach
Silva: 6’2″, walks around at roughly 215 lbs, 77.5 inch reach
Advantage: Bonnar

(Does this look like the face of a man who is going to lose?…Probably. / Photo courtesy of Francis Specker)

By Josh Hutchinson

Well Potato Heads, we are staring down the barrel of what would on paper seem like another absurd mismatch for a PPV main event. (Speaking of which, is it just me or does it seem like freak show fights are making a comeback?) Now I could sit here and try to persuade you that this is a legitimate match-up, Stephan Bonnar totally has a chance, Anderson Silva’s heart is not in it, or some equally stupid defense as to why this fight needs to happen, but I like all of you far too much to insult your intelligence like that. For Christ’s sake, even the UFC’s official promo videos for UFC 153 are split between joking that Bonnar has no chance and not showing Bonnar at all, if that tells you anything. So instead I’m going to take a hypothetical look at what could happen if The American Psycho manages to pull off the unbelievable. Because let’s be honest, if it happens, the fallout will be of nuclear proportions. For instance…

Stephen Bonnar, The New Face of Burger King

Should Bonnar prevail, his stock will rise exponentially with sponsors. A miraculous victory over Silva would have Nike, Burger King, and many others reconsidering the amount of support and money that they have thrown at The Spider. At the same time, it would then be easy to spin Bonnar as a legend killer — and therefore a legend himself — and he can be sure to expect a few more 0’s on his future paychecks. To this point, BK has kept their Anderson commercials in Brazil, since American audiences apparently wouldn’t be able to handle a cage-fighting burger pitchman. Bonnar, with his good-guy-everyman image, could break through that wall. New commercial concept: Bonnar and Forrest Griffin get into a furious Stacker-eating contest that leaves both men exhausted, and the other restaurant patrons howling for a rematch.

Anderson Silva pulls a Gina Carano

(Just some more surrealist video art via gonzagabjj)

Gabriel Gonzaga hasn’t just been affected by the UFC injury curse — he is the UFC injury curse, in all of its weird permutations. The decision-phobic heavyweight originally found his way back into the Octagon as an injury replacement against Edinaldo Oliveira in January. Then, he had to drop off the chaotic UFC 146 card due to an injury. And now, he’s lost his scheduled opponent at next weekend’s UFC 153 card in Rio, after UFC officials confirmed that Geronimo Dos Santos would be unable to compete. Was Geronimo’s withdrawal injury-related? I don’t know. You tell me.

[UPDATE: Actually it was due to a failed medical exam due to hepatitis B.]

UFC officials haven’t yet confirmed whether they’ll be finding a replacement opponent for Gonzaga on the “Silva vs. Bonnar” card. As MMAJunkie suggests, Gonzaga would theoretically be available to serve as the replacement opponent for Daniel Cormier at the Strikeforce event on November 3rd, which would be better than nothing, I guess. We’ll update you when we know more.

(Well, at least he’ll be really funny!) 

It’s no understatement to say that the fight between Forrest Griffin and Stephan Bonnar at the TUF 1 Finale basically saved the sport of MMA from those damned dirty machines. What machines are we referring to? These machines. But as you all know, our ambitiously misguided Skynet overlords have continued forward in their quest to replace man on the top of the food chain nonetheless. Lucky for us, the universe is about give birth to the John Connor that will eventually save the sport of MMA, nay, the world, from the cold, lifeless grip of the cyborgs. And by “universe” we mean Stephan Bonnar’s wife, Andrea, and by John Connor we mean Griffin Bonnar, a name so coincidentally similar slash awesome that only this man could have come up with it.

Yahoo! Sports has the details:

UFC fighter Stephan Bonnar will become a first-time father sometime in October. Bonnar and his wife, Andrea, haven’t decided definitively upon a name for their unborn son, but one name they’ve kicked around is Griffin. As in, Griffin Bonnar.

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(It’s not that Rashad hasn’t been training — it’s that he’s only been training in the loosest, most Hawaiian sense of the word.)

Has Glover Teixeira become the most ducked fighter in the UFC? Mauricio “Shogun” Rua allegedly wanted nothing to do with him. Stephan Bonnar refused to fight him on the basis of twitter count. And now Rashad Evans has admitted to turning down a proposed match against the Brazilian light-heavyweight up-and-comer at UFC 153, due to the short-notice nature of the fight.

If you’ll recall, Teixeira was originally supposed to face Quinton Jackson at the October 13th event in Rio, before Rampage went down with an elbow injury. The UFC then asked Evans to come in as a replacement, but couldn’t make a deal with him. As Evans explained on the UFC on FUEL TV 5 post-fight show:

“They offered me a fight, but it was against Glover Teixeira and I only had three weeks to fight and I haven’t been training. I was like, ‘no way, not with that notice in Brazil.’”

Perhaps the fans weren’t as supportive of this choice as Rashad was expecting them to be, because he got on twitter yesterday to explain himself even further:

I just watched the first official trailer for UFC 153: Silva vs. Bonnar and I’m stoked, Nation. Not because the brief montage of fight film, music and narration fooled me into thinking that Stephan Bonnar somehow isn’t a gigantic underdog against Anderson Silva, but rather because the trailer is so honest about his chances and what we’re likely to see. It’s a nice change of pace.

Check it out above and see what I mean. After injuries jacked up UFC 153′s main event twice as well as the originally scheduled co-main, the UFC did the best they could by getting the world’s best fighter on the card and throwing a fearless, aggressive, entertaining fighter at him. The trailer serves as a reflection of this, as it basically tell fans, “Look, Anderson Silva is probably going to knock Bonnar out and we all know whenever ‘The Spider’ does that it’s hella exciting. But if somehow that doesn’t happen, and Bonnar wins, well that would be as big of an upset as we’ve ever seen, and dang, wouldn’t that be exciting, too? Please watch us. It’s been a rough year.”

(Step 1: Fake heart attack to lower Anderson’s guard. Step 2: ?????? Step 3: SCORE GREATEST UPSET OF ALL TIME.) 

Admit it: When the new headliner for UFC 153 was first announced, not one of you thought Stephan Bonnar stood a chance of beating Anderson Silva, and you probably still don’t. If you happen to be a bookie, you probably equate the likelihood of Bonnar defeating Silva to that of Bob Sapp defeating adult onset vaginitis.

Well, my friends, prepare to have your minds blown, because Bonnar’s camp just released a video that lays out in intricate detail his plans to dethrone (figuratively speaking) the untouchable legacy of “The Spider” once and for all. We’re not saying it is foolproof, but we are saying that it has no discernible flaws whatsoever and Silva is a dead man.

Video after the jump. 

(“ERMAHGERD. WERST GERMBLING ERDS ERVER”)

Since the Anderson Silva vs. Stephan Bonnar replacement main event at UFC 153 was announced, I’ve been waiting patiently to see what kind of absurd betting line would be tied to this fight, and the oddsmakers didn’t disappoint. As MMAWeekly informs us, Silva has just opened as a -1350 (!) favorite, compared to Stephan Bonnar’s +850 underdog line. Gambling n00b translation: A $1,350 bet on Anderson would net you just a $100 profit if he wins, while a $100 bet on Bonnar would pay off $850 in profit if he does the unthinkable. And if you’re trying to decide which guy to put money on, I can confidently say that either bet would be stupid as fuck.

That -1350 line represents the most lopsided odds for an Anderson Silva fight ever, and even surpasses the -1300 opening line that was given to Jon Jones against Vitor Belfort. In general, once the gambling line passes -1000 for the favorite, it’s a pretty clear sign that the fight is a dangerous squash match that shouldn’t have been booked in the first place. (Example: Cris Cyborg‘s -2000 opening line over Jan Finney, a fight that turned out to be exactly as competitive as we thought it would.)

(“The Burger King Triple Stacker — I don’t jump up to light-heavyweight on short notice without it.”)

After UFC 153 lost its main event and co-main event in the same day, UFC matchmakers needed to get creative if they wanted to avoid another financially devastating event-cancellation. And by God, they’ve gotten creative. USA Today has just confirmed that Anderson Silva will now be headlining the October 13th event in Rio de Janeiro, in a light-heavyweight feature against…Stephan, freakin’, Bonnar. Allow that delicious insanity to sink in for just a moment. Alright, let’s continue.

The report follows an earlier story broken by MMAFighting, which confirmed that Frankie Edgar has been removed from the event altogether. So if you chose “other” in today’s poll, award yourself five PotatoBux.

This will be the third light-heavyweight UFC appearance for Silva, who previously scored brilliant knockouts against 205′ers James Irvin (in July 2008) and Forrest Griffin (in August 2009). Bonnar, who is currently riding a three-fight win streak, has been vocal in recent months about his desire to get at least one more big fight before he exits the sport — remember his campaign for a TUF coaching gig against Griffin? — and sort of retired in July due to his frustration that another marquee matchup wasn’t materializing. Well, Bonnar’s got his big fish, for better or for worse. And if he lasts more than one round against the Spider, he’ll do better than any UFC light-heavyweight before him.

(Seen here: One of the fighters who still has a chance of competing at UFC 153.)

Let’s face it: There is little more we can say to convey our disappointment in the disintegration of UFC 153. The card began solid enough (see above), then it got a little less awesome, then it got significantly more awesome, and now it is resting in a state of awesome limbo that it may never return from, which is not really awesome at all if you think about it.

With rumors flying that everything from Wanderlei Silva vs. Chael Sonnen to Rashad Evans vs. Anderson Silva at a catchweight is being eyed as the replacement main event for UFC 153, it got us thinking:

What fight would you, the fans, like to see as the new main event of UFC 153?

We’ve placed a few of the most likely options after the jump, but feel free to choose the “Other” option and give us your picks/reasoning in the comments section. The sky is the limit, but we must warn you, we’ve already asked Dana to consider Zimmer-Martinez II, and he gave us a resounding “maybe.”

-J. Jones

(“What kind of backwards country is this? The game is called Whac-a-Mole, not Whac-a-Capybara, and the animals aren’t supposed to be alive!”)

Just a few hours ago, we promised that a few beautiful knockout videos would successfully help us all blissfully drift into a world where injuries no longer determined both the content of every other CP article and the makeup of every other UFC card, but it seems our vision of an impossibly awesome MMA utopia is merely that…an impossibility.

Be that as it may, some of you might be pleased to hear that amidst the UFC 153 clusterfuck of injuries lies a potential silver lining. According to FightersOnly, who have sited several anonymous sources, a grudge match years in the making between Wanderlei Silva and Chael Sonnen is being looked at as a possible replacement for UFC 153 now that Jose Aldo — or perhaps, the general incompetence of Brazilian drivers — has massacred our dreams of a featherweight title superfight.

Details remain sketchy at the moment, but in a recent interview with Portal do Vale Tudo, Silva stated that he would be more than willing to step up for the good of the UFC and his home country’s fans if asked to do so:

I think fighting in Rio would be great. Under no circumstances could I turn that down. I would love to fight for the crowd in Rio, and if it were against that guy who everybody wants me to face, it would be beautiful.

Spoiler alert: Chael Sonnen is “that guy who everybody wants me to face.”

More on this potential showdown after the jump.

(Can you help me, Siri? Well, you can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your shiny, lifeless, screen! And you can give me a bit of fucking good news: a fucking pay-per-view, that actually fucking happens, a fucking title fight, a fucking healthy fighter! Five fucking fights and a ringside seat!)

Well, if the news that Rampage Jackson was out of UFC 153 with an elbow injury wasn’t enough to get you fired up, then maybe this will. Making sure to cap off the summer with a bang, the injury curse of 2012 has struck again. And once again, featherweight champion Jose Aldo is the victim, as he has suffered a foot injury that has forced him out of his UFC 153 bout with Frankie Edgar, whom you may recall was stepping in for an injured Eric Koch. Whom you may recall was originally supposed to face Aldo at UFC 149 until Aldo injured himself for the first time.

It may not have happened yet, but we’re going to go ahead and claim that GSP is out of UFC Whatever with a torn Whachamacallit.

The news was once again delivered by Dana White via his Twitter.

Now Aldo is out with foot injury. Main and co main in the same day!! Another amazing day at the UFC. We have some work to do.

The injury is apparently related to the motorcycle accident Aldo was involved in just under a week ago, which shows us that the injury curse has moved on from simple hope crushing to full-on psychological warfare. Fuck you, injury curse. Fuck you right in the pooper.

So…Edgar vs. Sonnen, anybody?

In related injury news…

(We can pay for your elbow surgery, Rampage, but the UFC’s insurance policy does not cover gonorrhea.) 

In the past few years, we have seen former light heavyweight champion Quinton “Rampage” Jackson turn from a Ricardo Arona-powerbombing, Chuck Liddell-stomping, Southern California freeway-racing SOB into a tirelessly complaining, terrible rapping, transsexual raping shell of his former self. His ongoing war with the UFC and their insistence on giving him “boring fights” has grown tired to even the biggest Rampage fan at this point, and regardless of how hard he has tried to convince us that “big fights” are waiting for him outside of the UFC, most of us just assumed that once he got the tar beat out of him by Glover Teixeira at UFC 153, he would abandon MMA altogether, star in a series of direct-to-DVD films in the vein of Blood and Bone, and fade into obscurity until 2025, when he will be arrested for binging on 5 hour energy drinks, stripping down to his birthday suit, and destroying a magazine kiosk in New York City because “my neighbors demon-possessed dog told me to.” Or something like that.

In either case, it seemed as if we would finally reach the light at the end of the figurative tunnel at UFC 153, and could bid Jackson adieu once and for all. Because clearly, his passion for the sport had dwindled beyond the point of return.

Well, my friends, Dana White just dropped a bombshell on Twitter, and not even Sly Stallone can get us out of this tunnel:

Rampage is hurt and out of UFC 153 RIO. SUCKS!!!!!!

You can almost feel the apathy in White’s tweet.

Ariel Helwani confirmed that Jackson suffered an elbow injury, and that the UFC is currently looking for a replacement opponent for Teixeira.

We will keep you informed as things transpire.

-J. Jones