UFC 82

This joy ride happened when Joe was in Columbus, Ohio for UFC 82. An Affliction t-shirt-wearing douche decided to heckle Rogan during his set. We've learned you don't fuck with Joe in an MMA bout. And we also know you don't fuck with Joe in a "To Catch A Predator"-style bust. This guy wasn't aware.

(I like my 'chino enemas with extra foam.)

For those of you unaware, the UFC had an event on Saturday - UFC 82. We've given you results & commentary, payouts, 7/11 encounters, Chuck-Heads, and more. And to cap off our thoroughly kick-ass coverage of it all, here are the traditional Monday-after suspensions.

The Ohio Athletic Commission has revealed that only four of the fighters from the event have been slapped with medical suspensions. Each of the fighters who got the on-hold ruling lost via KO or TKO, although no broken bones or lacerations were reported. Since, Yushin Okami has been said to have broken his hand while KOing Evan Tanner and Josh Koscheck possibly might have broken his as well while dealing Dustin Hazelett his TKO and subsequent medical suspension.

Evan Tanner pulled a 60-day suspension, while O'Brien, Hazelett and Sakara all got 30-day suspensions. Overall, pretty tame suspensions for a major MMA event.

However, the best suspension announcement was Luke Cummo's caffeine overload suspension. Fightlinker "broke" the story early today that Luke Cummo had received a three-month suspension for having "extremely elevated caffeine levels beyond anything the commission had ever seen before."

"Normally we don’t pay that much attention to the level of caffeine in a fighter’s blood," said OAC commissioner Warren Petty. "But Luke Cummo’s readings were off the chart. At first we thought there must be a mistake with the test, but follow ups showed that our original findings were accurate. This guy must have been tripping balls in the Octagon."

Oh, you had us until tripping balls, although I wouldn't put it past the made-up OAC member, Warren Petty, to say something like that. The story went on to say 3-liter coffee enemas were to blame, but luckily MMA Weekly was johnny-on-the-spot and squashed this one - not that anyone was buying it after "tripping balls". However, OAC executive director Bernie Profato wasn't too happy about the hoax story and had this to say about the matter:

"I’ll be contacting the state’s Attorney General office (on Tuesday) to see what options we have in this type of matter because this is absolutely not true."

I'm sure Zuffa will be filing suit soon as well.

(The Crippler was rewarded handsomely for his blood-loss.)

The UFC paid out a chunky $932,000 in official salaries and bonuses on Saturday night, with Anderson Silva unsurprisingly coming out the big winner. The amounts are below; these figures don't include any undisclosed "locker room bonuses" that are often given out to headliners and other fighters who put on noteworthy performances.

Anderson Silva — $260,000 ($70,000 to show, $70,000 to win, plus $120,000 in bonuses)
Dan Henderson — $160,000 ($100,000 to show, $60,000 for Fight of the Night bonus)
Andrei Arlovski — $170,000 ($105,000 to show, $65,000 to win)
Heath Herring — $140,000 ($70,000 to show, $70,000 to win)
Chris Leben — $110,000 ($25,000 to show, $25,000 to win, $60,000 for Knockout of the Night bonus)
Jon Fitch — $60,000 ($30,000 to show, $30,000 to win)
Diego Sanchez — $60,000 ($30,000 to show, $30,000 to win)
Cheick Kongo — $30,000
Yushin Okami — $28,000 ($14,000 to show, $14,000 to win)
Evan Tanner — $25,000
Josh Koscheck — $20,000 ($10,000 to show, $10,000 to win)
Alessio Sakara — $17,000
Luigi Fioravanti — $16,000 ($8,000 to show, $8,000 to win)
Luke Cummo — $16,000
Jorge Gurgel — $14,000 ($7,000 to show, $7,000 to win)
Dustin Hazelett — $12,000
Chris Wilson — $12,000
Jake O’Brien — $11,000
David Bielkheden — $8,000
John Halverson — $3,000

Underpaid: Josh Koscheck, who is still finishing out the indentured servitude of his Ultimate Fighter contract.
Overpaid: Luke Cummo, who didn't do much that resembled work during his 15 minute grabass with Luigi Fioravanti.

(Props: MMA Mania)

Josh Koscheck vs. Dustin Hazelett, the best fight of the undercard. Awesome exchanges in the beginning, explosive finish at the end.

Andrei Arlovski vs. Jake O'Brien. Feel free to skip past the entire first round.

More fights after the jump...

Anderson Silva left the Nationwide Arena on Saturday night with the bank account of a champion, pulling in $120,000 in bonuses on top of his usual salary and win bonus (which were $60,000 each for his previous title defense at UFC 77). As announced in a press conference following the event, the UFC distributed its customary end-of-night bonuses like this:

Fight of the Night: $60,000 each for Anderson Silva and Dan Henderson.

Submission of the Night: $60,000 for Anderson Silva. It was the night's only submission, unless you count the tapout-by-strikes that Diego Sanchez scored at the expense of David Bielkheden.

Knockout of the Night: $60,000 for Chris Leben.

So, another 1-for-3 performance on our bonus predictions, though we did call Arlovski for a KO/TKO in the second round. And Diego did technically win by submission. You know, I think we'll just start predicting the outcomes from now on; we'd sound a lot smarter that way.