Stay tuned…

Related: Ipecac Update

Either that or she’s going over lines for her next movie. Hey-oh!

(Props: MMAFightGirls)

Our friend and content partner Ariel Helwani at MMARated just put up a great interview with Forrest Griffin, where the Ultimate Fighter coach and light heavyweight contender reveals that he’s been eating a lot of french toast lately, popping tons of valium, he really doesn’t care about TUF, and he digs Nick Cave, but not enough to actually pay for his music.

The official UFC 85: Bedlam trailer clip, featuring Matt Hughes, Thiago Alves, Michael Bisping, Jason Day, Brandon Vera, Fabricio Werdum, Nate Marquardt, Thales Leites, Marcus Davis, and Mike Swick.

HDNet Fights’ 86-minute “Best of 2008″ video; props to MMAScraps.

And also? You’re going to want to click that “More” link…

As many of you were disappointed to learn, my UFC 84 ipecac pick-off against Fightlinker‘s Ryan Harkness ended in a 19-19 draw; with no contingency plan in place in case of a tie, neither of us were required to film ourselves violently projectile vomiting. That’s the bad news. The good news is that last night Ryan and I decided on the terms of the rematch. They are as follows:

— We will predict the entire card of UFC 85, which goes down just 11 days from now on June 7th.
— The three-point scoring system will be the same as before, with the person who scores lowest having to film themselves drinking ipecac. (I’m assuming you can get this stuff at the nearest Walgreen’s, because I actually don’t have any in my medicine cabinet.) Look for my new picks to go up next Wednesday, give or take.
— In the event of a tie, a tiebreaker will be determined via who picked the most “perfect” matches (fighter/round/method). If that’s also a tie, we’ll judge it by which of us called the most winning fighters. If that’s also a tie, then the ipecac bet is officially cursed and we will both drink ipecac to entertain you vultures.

Sound good? I’d also like to announce that CagePotato reader “ehummel” was the winner of the BetUS $100 free play credit contest, with a highly impressive score of 21. Hit us up at feedback@cagepotato.com, and we’ll let you know how to claim your credit.

($225,000: Enough to buy a new pickup truck and a healthy white baby.)

Official salary and bonus numbers for UFC 84′s fighters have been released by the Nevada State Athletic Commission. Here’s how the guys stacked up:

B.J. Penn: $250,000 ($125,000 to show, $125,000 to win)
Wanderlei Silva: $225,000 ($150,000 to show*, $75,000 for Knockout of the Night)
Tito Ortiz: $210,000
Lyoto Machida: $100,000 ($50,000 to show, $50,000 to win)
Wilson Gouveia: $93,000 ($18,000 to show, $75,000 for Fight of the Night)
Rousimar Palhares: $85,000 ($5,000 to show, $5,000 to win, $75,000 for Submission of the Night)
Goran Reljic: $81,000 ($3,000 to show, $3,000 to win, $75,000 for Fight of the Night)
Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou: $80,000 ($40,000 to show, $40,000 to win)
Thiago Silva: $50,000 ($25,000 to show, $25,000 to win)
Rich Clementi: $40,000 ($20,000 to show, $20,000 to win)
Dong Hyun Kim: $40,000 ($20,000 to show, $20,000 to win)
Sean Sherk: $35,000
Kazuhiro Nakamura: $20,000
Ivan Salaverry: $20,000
Shane Carwin: $12,000 ($6,000 to show, $6,000 to win)
Yoshiyuki Yoshida: $12,000 ($6,000 to show, $6,000 to win)
Terry Etim: $10,000
Keith Jardine: $10,000
Christian Wellisch: $10,000
Jon Koppenhaver: $8,000
Antonio Mendes: $4,000
Jason Tan: $3,000
* Wanderlei Silva’s guaranteed $150,000 salary doesn’t depend on a win bonus.

Overpaid: Wilson Gouveia. Looking back on UFC 84 a year from now, is the two-round almost-war between Gouveia and Goran Reljic going to be remembered by anyone? Yes, Reljic’s relentless left head-kicks were pretty, but Gouveia should have eventually figured out that they were coming. (For us, the presence of Mirko Cro Cop in Reljic’s corner was the early tip-off.)

Underpaid: A lot of people — particularly Shane Carwin, whose Knockout of the Night bonus was robbed from him by Wanderlei Silva. The way I saw it, Carwin’s single-punch, mouthpiece-ejecting KO of Christian Wellisch was more deserving then Wandy’s slightly more prolonged ground-and-pound TKO of Jardine, and Carwin could probably use the money more. Other than that, what the fuck is up with the UFC’s newcomers making three, four, and six thousand dollars to show? Goddamned slave wages. The UFC made $3.7 million off of “Ill Will”‘s gate; they could certainly afford to establish a minimum base salary of $10,000 for their fighters if they wanted to.

(Wandy’s triumph; courtesy of UFC.com)

(Penn outboxes Sherk; courtesy of Sherdog)

(Tito Ortiz comes within a ball-hair of submitting Lyoto Machida; courtesy of Las Vegas Sun)

(Michael Jackson takes in the fights; courtesy of TMZ)

Get ‘em while they last…

BJ Penn vs. Sean Sherk

Wanderlei Silva vs. Keith Jardine (Knockout of the Night)

Rousimar Palhares vs. Ivan Salaverry (Submission of the Night)

Forgive the G’n'R reference, but I’m really that excited. Click the “more” link and refresh your browser every few minutes for live updates from the “Ill Will” pay-per-view broadcast, beginning at 7 p.m. PT. Good luck to the fighters, the betters, the pickers, and the soon-to-be pukers.

(Oh yeah, this also happened today.)

Goldstein here. Ryan Harkness and I were guests on BetUS Radio today to talk shit to each other for a half-hour in honor of our UFC 84 ipecac pick-off. Go here to listen, and say a little prayer for my gastrointestinal tract.

(Gambling rules!)

Heads-up, P-Nation: We’ll be posting live results of the UFC 84 pay-per-view card tomorrow beginning at 7 p.m. PT / 10 p.m. ET, so please stop by during the event and drop us some comment love. To make the night even more exciting, Damon D of BetUs has offered a $100 free play credit to the CagePotato reader who can predict the entire card with the most accuracy. (Go here to refresh yourself on our three-point scoring system). You’ve already seen my predictions, so head to the official UFC 84 prediction thread and throw down your final picks. You may only enter once, all entries must be posted by tomorrow at 4 p.m. PT, and if we catch any cheaters editing their entries after the event begins, the ban hammer will come down harshly upon thee. Alright, let’s kick some ass!

Related: I just got this e-mail from my mom:

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: [REDACTED]
Date: Fri, May 23, 2008 at 1:34 PM
Subject: mother speaking
To: Ben Goldstein

Hi Ben,
It may be funny when other people vomit, NOT. Don’t you pull any stunts like even suggesting you would take Ipecac. I hope you know that stuff has side effects.
YOUR MOTHER.

Mommmm, you’re embarrassing me!

(Ring girls: Who needs ‘em?)

Here’s the second half of CagePotato’s head-to-head bitchfest on “Ill Will,” brought to you by the two similarly-named editors of this site. If you missed part one, click here.

***

QUESTION: What does Wanderlei Silva’s future hold?

Fowlkes: Keith Jardine will beat Wanderlei Silva at UFC 84, and when he does it’s going to create some difficult questions for “The Axe Murderer.” Dana White says that he loves Silva. You can see why he would. But as great as he is in terms of showmanship, aggression, and “gameness” (as the Brazilians say), Silva’s best days may be behind him, as is evidenced by his lack of significant wins in recent years.

He’s just taken too many beatings and slowed down too much for his style to be effective any more. He’s got to evolve or get out the game. The question for the UFC is, do they bet on a Silva renaissance or try to convince him to drop to middleweight and start anew?

If Jardine really thumps him, the UFC has to go with door number two. If he has a strong showing, they might try putting him against someone like Matt Hamill or Sokoudjou and figure either way someone gets a bump. Regardless, anything less than a win on Saturday means Silva’s UFC career begins to slip away, even if it might take another fight or two before it completely disappears.

Goldstein: I’m also expecting Jardine to win tomorrow, but not because Silva’s game hasn’t evolved or because his physical condition is on the decline. It’s simply because the rule sets and environments of the UFC and Silva’s old home in PRIDE are so different that they’re barely the same sport. Until Silva can prove that he can work effectively in the Octagon, I’m not betting on him. But I think he can get used to the new terrain in time, and once he does, he’ll have some more thrilling fights left in him.

Losing to Cro Cop, Henderson, and Liddell doesn’t mean that your career is over — it’s the kind of setback that can befall any fighter who continuously fights top competition. Dana White knows that too. Still, Wandy will probably be ordered to drop to 185 if he loses to Jardine. There aren’t a ton of big-money matchups for Silva as a middleweight, but if he can score wins against guys like Rich Franklin, Yushin Okami, and Michael Bisping, he’ll certainly be invited back up to 205 to rematch Chuck Liddell or take on Rampage for the first time in the UFC. Dana White has to be taking the long view on the Wanderlei Silva situation, especially when there are so many other rival leagues that would step over their own mothers to pick him up.

Here’s the second episode of ESPN’s new online series, MMA Live, co-hosted again by Kenny Florian. In this installment, the panel breaks down UFC 84′s main event, Tito Ortiz’s career, Mike Tyson’s rumored jump to MMA, and Rich Franklin’s rumored jump to 205. In the “MMA for Dummies” segment, Bas Rutten runs us through “The Exorcist,” a neck crank sub perfect for when your opponent just ain’t givin’ up that rear-naked choke. If you missed the first episode, it’s after the jump.

Fightlinker Ryan’s UFC 84 picks are up, and all of a sudden I’m feeling a whole lot less nervous about this whole ipecac-drinking thing. Not only did Ryan pick Tito and Wandy to win their bouts, but he also gave the nod to Reljic over Gouveia, and Koppenhaver over Yoshida. Feel free to head over to FL to point and laugh, or get re-acquainted with my own UFC 84 predictions here.

One final note: I haven’t puked in like twelve years. Maybe more, I don’t really remember. But it’s been a long time, and I don’t look forward to doing it again.

(BF)
(BG)

Fowlkes and I spend a lot of time pondering and writing about MMA. Often, we disagree. With that in mind, we’d like to present the first installment of a new feature where we argue about the topics of the day — in this case, all the major themes coming out of Saturday’s UFC 84. This one’s actually a two-parter; come back tomorrow for spirited debate on Wanderlei Silva’s future, the necessity of ring girls, and the intensity of BJ Penn and Sean Sherk’s personal relationship.

***

QUESTION: What will be the best fight of UFC 84?

Goldstein: The best fight of a given event generally starts with a large dose of drama and ends with a decisive finish. Penn/Sherk has drama out its ass — these guys hate each other — and Ortiz/Machida has it too, as it’s Ortiz’s last fight, and one that Dana White desperately wants him to lose. But I wouldn’t bank on Ortiz/Machida to be a particularly exciting match. Both fighters are questionable finishers (five of Machida’s last seven matches have gone to a decision, compared to four of Ortiz’s last seven) and before his punking of Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou, Machida was widely thought to be a boring fighter. The UFC set this match up to make Ortiz look less marketable, and it isn’t likely to be a barn-burner.

As for Penn and Sherk — how can this be anything less than legendary? Penn tends to make any fight exciting, and both guys will be looking to finish. Penn has to exploit his striking advantage and avoid being laid on by Sherk; a dull fight is not in Penn’s best interest, strategically speaking. I think Sherk is too tough to get stopped earlier than the third round, and if the fight goes into the championship rounds, his conditioning advantage will kick in. So Penn has this sweet spot of the third round where he’s most likely to win, and as the minutes and rounds tick by, anticipation will amp up the drama even further. If BJ wins, he’ll be the UFC’s undisputed lightweight ruler, and his reaction could be just as memorable as the fight itself.

Fowlkes: While I agree with your preconditions for what makes a great fight, I don’t necessarily think it will be Penn-Sherk that turns in the best performance of the night. Seems to me that you’re forgetting about Wanderlei Silva/Keith Jardine. That has plenty of drama — Silva needs a win badly and Jardine needs something to force the UFC to stop overlooking him — and it features two guys who like to stand and bang, which always yields great potential for a decisive finish.

On top of that, when’s the last time you saw Wanderlei in a boring fight? Tell me. I demand to know. I think Sherk-Penn will be worth the pay-per-view price alone, but Silva-Jardine is going to produce some fireworks either way, my friend.

(Listen, buddy: win first, skanks later.)

As promised yesterday — here are the final picks I’m making for my ipecac bet with Ryan of Fightlinker. Will they be enough for me to avoid vomity humiliation? Well, Ryan has mentioned that he’s predicting Wanderlei Silva and Tito Ortiz will win their bouts, and I don’t see the rest of his choices being any less duhtarded. We’ll be scoring this on the three-point system: one point for calling the winning fighter, and additional points for correctly calling the method of victory (one point) and round (one point). How fun! My picks are below; feel free to debate them in the comments section. — Ben G.

MAIN CARD
B.J. Penn def. Sean Sherk via submission, 3rd round : I went over this in my UFC 84 gambling guide. Fowlkes made some good points yesterday, but I still think Sherk is going out like Joe Stevenson, with a bloody face and an arm around his neck. Just because Sherk’s two losses didn’t come via submission doesn’t mean that he’s unsubmittable, especially against someone as talented as Penn.

Keith Jardine def. Wanderlei Silva via decision: I also went over this in the gambling guide. (By the way, if you want to see a short video version of me making those exact same points, check out this clip from CombatWire.com.) Jardine was able to outsmart Chuck Liddell when they fought, and Wanderlei Silva is basically a dumber version of Chuck. I think the most logical pick is another decision win for Jardine.

Wilson Gouveia def. Goran Reljic via KO/TKO, 2nd round: I don’t like to pick against guys with undefeated records, but that rule shouldn’t apply when a fighter has less than eight pro fights, and Reljic (7-0) has beaten absolutely nobody you’ve ever heard of. I wouldn’t assume that Gouveia’s ground skills are necessarily better than Reljic’s, but I can see him catching the Croatian with a heavy shot, Lambert-style. Also, betting against the American Top Team is generally a bad move.

Lyoto Machida def. Tito Ortiz via decision: Machida isn’t a fight-finisher, and unless he’s in the cage with Ken Shamrock, Tito really isn’t either. But Machida is far more well-rounded, and his tendency to take his opponents out of their rhythm is well-documented. I’m very confident that Machida will win, and he could easily do it via TKO or submission, but given the recent fight histories of these two, a decision feels likely.

Thiago Silva def. Antonio Mendes via KO/TKO, 2nd round: Undefeated record + UFC experience + ATT = a total lock. Eight of Thiago Silva’s 12 wins have come via first-round stoppage; ten come via KO/TKO. The only advantage that Brazilian UFC newcomer Antonio Mendes has is that he’s 3-0 against guys named Silva. He is a hard-ass, though, and I don’t foresee a steamrolling. I say Mendes gets through round one, shaken but not quite out.

As for the undercard…

Three weeks ago, I entered a devil’s wager with Fightlinker.com, in which Ryan Harkness and I would go head-to-head in predicting the results of this Saturday’s UFC 84, with the loser having to do something awful. After reviewing the reader suggestions on CP and FL — which ran the gamut from permanently scarring to financially unfeasible (good effort anyway, guys!) — we both decided on something simple. The loser will have to put up a video of themselves drinking ipecac. To illustrate ipecac’s gruesome effects, Fightlinker posted this video. Wa-wa-wee-wa. Needless to say, I really don’t want to lose. So if you have any inside info/messages from God regarding Saturday’s fights, hollatchaboy in the comments section. I’ll post my official picks tomorrow.

(BG)

Also: FL found some amusing CBS Saturday Night Fights promos starring Kevin Ferguson himself. You simply must watch them after the jump.

(“Gimme $2,000 on Jardine.”)

This has already been getting some play on the forums, but for those weak bastards who haven’t joined yet, betting odds for UFC 84′s three marquee match-ups have been released. Shall we take a look?

BJ Penn (favorite) vs. Sean Sherk (underdog)
Our buds at BetUS have Penn as a -230 favorite (you’d have to bet $230 to win $100 back) with Sherk riding the +180 underdog line (a $100 bet would score you $180). Setting aside BJ’s current hype as one of the most talented fighters in the world, he really does hold an advantage over Sherk in every aspect other than conditioning; his standup is better, his submissions are much better, and he’s not going to let Sherk lie on top of him the entire fight. But Sherk’s undeniable talent and accomplishments are preventing oddsmakers from calling this any wider than it already is. If you want to make a high-percentage wager on the Prodigy, do so at BetUS. If you’re going for the longshot, throw down a bill on Sherk at PinnacleSports, where they’re giving the Muscle Shark a juicy +232 line.

Lyoto Machida (favorite) vs. Tito Ortiz (underdog)
BetUS says -220 for Machida and +175 for Ortiz, a slightly closer line than Penn/Sherk, owing partly to the fact that Machida still doesn’t have a win against a top-10 light heavyweight under his belt — not that Ortiz is top 10 anymore, but he could easily be Machida’s toughest challenge to date. Will the Dragon still stomp Ortiz? Yeah, pretty much. Ortiz may be a better wrestler, but that’s about it. Lyoto seems to come from the Anderson Silva school of well-rounded badasses with very few holes in their game, and he’s probably a lot more focused than the stretched-in-all-directions Ortiz, who can hopefully schedule some workouts between reality show appearances, t-shirt company management, sex with Jenna Jameson, and bitching about Dana White whenever there’s a microphone in the room. Pinnacle has Machida at a far more attractive -185, while Ortiz nut-huggers can squeeze a tiny bit more value out of their misguided bet at BetCris, where he’s +180.

Wanderlei Silva (favorite) vs. Keith Jardine (underdog)
Here, folks, is the only smart underdog bet of the lot. BetUs has Wandy as a -185 favorite with Jardine the ‘dog at +145. Look, we know the Axe Murderer was a killer in PRIDE — but he needs to win a couple in the Octagon to convince me that he’s just as fearsome over here. Take away the use of soccer kicks and knees to the head on the ground, biased refs and judges, matchmaking that had him go up against opponents that were tailor-made for his style, (*cough*steroids*cough*), and the confidence that comes from never losing, and we’re not even talking about the same guy anymore. Silva won’t be doing any axe-murdering at UFC 84 — he’s going to be fighting not to lose, and will come out a much more cautious, tentative version of himself. Meanwhile, Jardine is surely working on another great game-plan with Greg Jackson, knowing that if he pulls off another big win his title shot will be waiting. Great risk, great reward, etc. Pinnacle and Sportsbook have Jardine at a solid +150. I don’t think there’s enough value in a bet on Wanderlei, but if you disagree, Pinnacle and Bodog have him at a more reasonable -160.

(BG)

If you’re planning on attending UFC 84 in person, there are at least two after parties scheduled with big names attached as hosts: You’ve got the UFC’s #1 ring girl Arianny Celeste making an appearance at Hawaiian Tropic Zone, and Dana White (no photo available) hosting the official “Ill Will” jammy-jam at Privé. In case you’re having trouble deciding, we’ll run it down for you.

Arianny’s party has an open vodka-bar for ladies until midnight (i.e., awesomely drunk girls); Privé offers no such hookup. Both clubs will surely feature hot bartenders, but the ones at Hawaiian Tropic Zone will all be wearing bikinis. When Arianny eventually shows up and makes her way to the velvet-roped VIP section, she’ll probably be rolling in with Edith Labelle, and their hot friends, and any fighters they’re friendly with (and Ariel Helwani, probably!). When Dana shows up just before closing time, he’ll be in a sour mood from whatever Tito’s post-fight t-shirt slogan is, and he’ll be trailed by the TUF 7 castoffs who followed him in just to kiss his ass. On the other hand, everybody wearing an Affliction shirt will be denied entrance at the UFC’s official afterparty, which could significantly decrease the douchebag ratio.

Questions?

As mentioned on Saturday, I’ve agreed to put my dignity where my mouth is and accept Ryan Harkness of Fightlinker‘s challenge to a UFC 84 pick-off. Whoever predicts “Ill Will” more accurately wins; the loser will have to do something unpleasant, of the winner’s choice.

Here’s the fun part: I need your help to determine the punishment that Ryan will endure in the very likely event that I win. Something practical perhaps, that helps promote CagePotato.com in the Great White North? Something that demonstrates the superiority of my beloved New York City to Mudville Montreal? The usual naked donkey riding? Shoot us your ideas in the comments section. Just remember, these guys have no shame, so you’ll have to be creative. If we use your suggestion, we’ll make it worth your while. All proceeds go to charity. (Just kidding!)

By the way, Ryan and I will be keeping score not just based on which fighter wins each matchup, but how and in what round those victories are achieved. So if God talks to you some time in the next couple weeks and mentions anything about UFC 84, let us know, m’kay?

UPDATE: Or, you could go here to toss in suggestions on what I would have to do in the event of a loss. Please be gentle.

(BG)

On Friday, Damon D of BetUS.com invited me back on his little radio show to talk about Kalib Starnes’s foot and Chuck Liddell’s durf, along with Ryan and Jake of Fightlinker.com. I may not have been able to keep up with the comedic tornado of those two, but there were a couple moments where I did sound halfway knowledgeable. (Well, you’ll have to be the judge.) Click here to listen, but first, some notes…

— We recorded the show just before news broke that Matt Hughes had been signed to headline UFC 85 against Thiago Alves, so a good deal of our conversation is now basically worthless.

— Near the beginning of the show, I announce that Ben Fowlkes (of IFL.tv and TheFightingLife fame) will be joining CagePotato full time starting this Thursday. He can introduce himself more thoroughly that day, but please feel free to give him a round of applause from wherever you’re sitting. It’s cool, because now when I use the word “we” on this site, I’m referring to Ben and I, not just me and the voices coming from the microwave.

— Damon asks me at the end of the show what we’ve got happenin’ on the site next week. At the time I was like “duhhhhhh,” but it turns out we actually do have something really special coming up. Tune in Monday for more details.

— Also at the end of the show, Fightlinker challenges CagePotato to a duel. Basically, Ryan and I will be betting on a particular fight, and the dude who picks wrong will have to do something humiliating. “Riding naked on a donkey” was just the first idea that was thrown out; those aren’t necessarily the terms of the bet. Will keep you all posted as this develops…

(BG)

BJ Penn, God bless him, has not given up on the blood-licking thing — and he vows to do it again when he fights Sean Sherk. Check out the pre-fight hype in these new UFC 84 promo videos, which run down the matchups between Penn and Sherk, as well as Silva vs. Jardine and Oritz vs. Machida.

(Dana White: “BJ Penn is a fucking *fighter*.”)

(Dana White on Wanderlei Silva: “This guy, loves, to fucking, *fight*.”)

(Dana White on Tito Ortiz: “I think he has the will and desire to be successful. He doesn’t have the will and desire to be the best fighter in the world.”)

(Props: BloodyElbow)

(Shane Carwin: Just one of the new faces looking for a big debut at UFC 84.)

— The UFC has confirmed the lineup for UFC 84: Ill Will (5/24, Las Vegas). Besides Penn/Sherk, Ortiz/Machida, and Silva/Jardine, the televised card will feature a light-heavyweight match between undefeated UFC newcomer Goran Reljic and Wilson Gouveia (who most recently knocked out Jason Lambert at UFC 80), as well as another 205-pound match between Thiago Silva and Octagon newbie Antonio “Samuray” Mendes. Ill Will’s undercard features appearances by Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou, Rob Emerson, Jon Koppenhaver, and new heavyweight acquisition Shane Carwin. Check out the complete card here.

— Shooto has announced their 20th anniversary show on May 3rd, and it’s shaping up to be a killer. Japanese welterweight star Hayato “Mach” Sakurai — whose last three fights resulted in wins against Hidetaka Monma at DREAM.1, Hidehiko Hasegawa at Yarennoka!, and Mac Danzig at PRIDE 33 — will be taking on 13-2 submission specialist David Baron, while “Lion” Takeshi Inoue and Rumina Sato will also compete against opponents to be named later.

— After suffering a nasty eye injury last September during a fight against Gesias Calvancante, Vitor “Shaolin” Ribeiro is back in the gym and planning his next move. That t-shirt he’s wearing should help to explain why we think he’s the fifth greatest lightweight in the world.

Apparently I’m a subscriber to the UFC.com newsletter — which means I can totally buy tickets before the rest of you commoners, right? — and this poster came into my inbox today. Maybe this is nit-picky, especially in light of the three amazing headlining fights on this card, but can we talk about the “ill will” font? The name wasn’t blowing me away to begin with, and that’s the weakest, most limp-dicked presentation I’ve ever seen. White crayon, all lowercase? If that’s that creative direction they were going with, why not call the event “nap time” or “i’m sad”? Whatever happened to overcompensation? If I was designing this thing, I’d put “ill will” in all caps, in a tread plate-inspired font that shot fucking fireballs. No, don’t thank me, my wisdom is a gift to the world.

MMA Weekly has just added a fight between Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou and Kazuhiro Nakamura to its UFC 84 rumors page. Nakamura is an 11-7 PRIDE vet who lost a unanimous decision to Lyoto Machida during his Octagon debut at UFC 76 last September; he holds wins over Kevin Randleman, Murilo Bustamante, and Igor Vovchanchyn. If the match holds up, UFC 84 — slated to be held May 24th in Las Vegas — would be a memorably badass night. Here’s what the main card currently looks like:

- B.J. Penn vs. Sean Sherk (confirmed; for lightweight championship)
- Tito Ortiz vs. Lyoto Machida (confirmed; will likely be Ortiz’s last fight in the UFC)
- Wanderlei Silva vs. Keith Jardine (confirmed)
- Rashad Evans vs. Thiago Silva (likely)
- Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou vs. Kazuhiro Nakamura (rumored)

That’s more light-heavyweight action than we can handle. Theoretically, one of UFC 84′s lower-profile fights — Wilson Gouveia vs. Goran Reljic and Rousimar Palhares vs. Ivan Salaverry have also been scheduled — could be swapped in for Evans/Silva or Sokoudjou/Nakamura on the main card. It would blow if the UFC sacrificed big names for variety, but we wouldn’t put it past them.

(Sir Robert Sapp, middle, headlines Da’ Dome tonight.)

I’m in the mood to check out some of the weekend’s news, so how ’bout it?

— Wanderlei Silva is close to putting his ink on an agreement to fight Keith Jardine. Rumors have been flying about this one, but now Wandy is confirming the showdown will be for UFC 84. There is an English version on Wandy’s official blog if you prefer the Americanized version – just click on the US flag in the upper right corner. This adds to a fight card that also includes B.J. Penn v Sean Sherk, Lyoto Machida v Tito Ortiz, Rashad Evans v Thiago Silva, among others. The show will be on May 24th in Vegas.

— Speaking of UFC 84, tickets will be available for the event via an exclusive presale on February 28th. (From MMA Mania)

— Brock Lesnar’s next showing could be against Justin McCully at UFC 85. The fighter was on Friday’s episode of HDNet’s “Inside MMA” and said he is in discussions with the UFC to face the much-hyped ex-pro wrestler/ex-NFL player. McCully’s words: “We’ve been talking about fighting this big huge guy that just crossed over from some wrestling promotion. Thats in talks right now. We’ll see what happens. I hope it comes through. I really like the fight.” Regardless if it’s Lesnar or not, McCully claims he’s coming back this summer.

Someone just mentioned it’s President’s Day – which is cool, I guess. So in honor of the day, here’s some news.

— The Dayton Daily News is confirming what we all suspected: That a light heavy fight between Keith Jardine and Wanderlei Silva at UFC 82 will not be happening. The show is set for March 1st in Columbus, Ohio. The rumors for this match were given more fuel when ads for UFC 82 shown on Versus during WEC 32 straight-up promised that Jardine was going to be there. An editing snafu is being blamed, but the fight could happen this year. The DDN is saying a source close to Jardine has confirmed the fight is in the works and could go down this summer – MMA Junkie is saying UFC 84 could be the card for this fight.

— Chuck Liddell believes he’ll smoke Mauricio “Shogun” Rua during their fight on June 7th. And “The Iceman” also believes he should be fighting Rampage for the title…like NOW. Chuck had this to say to Brawl Sports:

According to The Fight Network, Patrick Cote is out at UFC 83. It was just days ago that Cote’s involvement in the event was being reported in a match-up against Alan Belcher. Now Cote is being forced not to take the fight due to injury. MMA Mania is quoting Cote’s manager, Stephane Patry, on the matter:

“We were still talking [to the UFC] about an opponent when Patrick fell on the ice. He went for the MRI, and the doctor told him it’s sprained and he can’t train for four to six weeks – so he won’t be available to fight [in April]… We were not going to take that fight [with Belcher] anyway. It wouldn’t make sense.”

Snap! Patry say no-makey-sense. Whatever, we move on. On to Jason “Dooms” Day that is. Day has signed a multi-fight deal with the UFC and his virgin fight with them will now be against Belcher at UFC 83 on April 19th. Middleweight Day is 15-5 and 14-2 in his last 16. His split decision win at HCF: Destiny on February 1st over former UFC 185-pounder David Loiseau probably boosted him to his own UFC signing.

Belcher is 12-4 and will be going for his third win in a row. Not many of his fights go to decision, so he’ll look to wrap the win up early.

And in other news:

-Remember THQ? No, it’s not the miracle tablet that makes you go all smiles for the better part of a cab ride, but the video game maker that’s been working on the UFC’s new video game. The game will be revealed in a ‘to date’ format at UFC 84, which is slated for Saturday, May 24th. MMA Junkie is saying the company made the teasing comments during a financial/stockholder conference call.

THQ’s five-year contract gives them the rights to UFC games until the end of 2011 for all console and portable platforms, and wireless formats. A street date should also be revealed at UFC 84, and maybe even the official name of the game. It’s been referenced as “UFC 2009″ and “Ultimate Fighting Championship 2009″ so far. So get your thumbs loosened up and tell your mom to slide your TV dinners under the basement door. There’s games to be had.

-The Dayton Daily News is reporting that tickets for UFC 82 are going fast and about 10,000 have already been snatched up. The UFC expects a sell-out, of course. Last year, the Nationwide Arena in Colombus, Ohio hosted UFC 68 where it set a UFC attendance record with 19,049. It’s own venue record could go down on March 1st.

(Rousimar Palhares…future middleweight superstar?)

We recently told you that the UFC had signed Brazilian fighter Rousimar Palhares and now it looks like his first action is being slated for May. MMA Junkie is reporting that Palhares will pop his UFC cherry Mary 24th. His opponent will be Ivan Salaverry, who is 12-5 and has been spotty in the UFC against good fighters. He owns a notable win against Joe Riggs, but has struggled in the UFC since. Salaverry literally just received the fight offer and it’s expected to move forward.

Palhares trains with Brazilian Top Team and recently won Fury Fighting Championship’s 185lb Grand Prix tournament. He’s won five fights in a row and is a die-hard disciple of BJJ – he’s won five of his fights by submission. He’s never been knocked out and his lone professional loss was to Arthur Cesar.

This should be a good one for Palhares to get his feet wet in the UFC. Dana White and Co. are hoping he’s a future star in the lagging middleweight division and he looks to have the skills to fulfill their hopes. By the time the fight rolls around, it will be a year since Salaverry has fought – a loss to Terry Martin. An injury kept him away from the game for a while, but if he’s at full speed now, he’ll be a nice test for Palhares.

Their fight will be on the UFC 84 card – which was originally UFC 85 until UFC 83 was…what number are we on again? Anyway, you guys know that old chestnut by now. The possible heavy hitters on the card could be Tito Ortiz in his UFC swan song vs. Lyoto Machida and the Sean Sherk/BJ Penn fight-to-the-death match. With new blood like Palhares thrown in, too, I’m digging how this one’s shaping up.

(“Thess! Ezz! SPARTA!!!”)

With UFC events popping up at an alarming rate, matchmaker Joe Silva has been working overtime to fill the cards with talent. We can barely keep up with the announcements and rumors that have surfaced in the last few days, but here’s the important stuff:

— Poppin’ off in Columbus on March 1st, UFC 82: “Pride of a Champion” will reportedly feature the return of Andre Arlovski, who has been in a contract dispute with the UFC since his decision win over Fabricio Werdum in April 2007. His opponent is likely to be Jake O’Brien, a 10-0 heavyweight known for his dull decision victories. Also scheduled to be on “PoaC” card is Diego Sanchez — who won 17 straight fights before dropping his last two to Josh Koscheck and Jon Fitch — taking on 12-6 Brazilian Roan Carneiro, in a fight tailor-made to get him moving up the welterweight ladder again. No more Sonoma, no more excuses.

— Speaking of Fabricio Werdum, the Chute Boxe brawler has parlayed his one-fight win streak into a title shot. Dana White has confirmed that Werdum will face the winner of UFC 81′s Tim Sylvia/Minotauro Nogueira match for the interim heavyweight title, assuming that Randy Couture turns the fight down. The sad part about this situation is how logical it is. Even though Werdum has looked very underwhelming in his two UFC fights, the only other UFC heavyweights who are equally qualified to challenge the belt are Cheick Kongo (and that’s if he beats Heath Herring in March) and Andrei Arlovski (and God help me if I have to sit through a fourth fight between the Pitbull and the Maine-iac). The Octagon’s remaining heavyweights are all either too inexperienced or are coming off losses. To that end, the UFC is wisely looking toward signing new 206+ talent, and have just picked up 8-0 prospect Shane Carwin, who has dominated competition in regional promotions like Art of War and Ring of Fire. Carwin has previously fought as a super-heavyweight but will drop to 265 for the UFC.

On the card of the first event in Canada for the UFC, it looks like we could be seeing Karo “The Heat” Parisyan and Thiago Alves battling in a welterweight match. MMA Junkie is reporting that the fight is in talks and will very likely take place at the April 19th show in Montreal. The report claims sources close to both fighters have said signed agreements are forthcoming. It’d be another welterweight bout to go with the headlining fight between Matt Serra and Georges St. Pierre.

Karo is in the mix within the division and has stated he wants a shot at the title, something he lost out on when an injury caused him to drop out of a fight with Matt Hughes a couple of years ago. He is currently 18-4 – and will be when he fights Alves, unless he loses a sanctioned street fight between now and then – and has won eight of his last nine fights (seven by decision). He was on “Inside MMA” back in December and said that instead of fighting Jon Fitch, he wanted something else:

A “more-guaranteed win” and he said he needs “an easier fight than Jon Fitch so I can basically have a high percentage of beating (the opponent) and getting a title shot.” 

Thanks, pussy.