According to Ronaldo “Jacare” Souza’s manager, they’re planning on a fight “for the title” at Dream.9 on May 26.  Nothing is confirmed yet, Jacare’s manager told Tatame, but right now it looks like it will be a rematch between Jacare and “Mayhem” Miller for Gegard Mousasi’s vacated middleweight belt.  If true that would make for a tight turnaround for Miller, who’s slated to take on Kala Hose in Hawaii at Kingdom MMA on April 18.  Call it making up for lost time.  Or maybe he’s just assuming that it won’t take much out of him to whup on Hose in front of his Hawaiian peeps.

– As we saw earlier today, Dana White’s threats to step back from the limelight might be the slightest bit hollow, but ESPN plans to actually make him talk on video when they send their E:60 crew to Montreal for a story on his recent video blog controversy.  The piece will allegedly seek to compare White to the heads of other major sports organizations, asking what would have happened to them had they gone all nasty on a female sports reporter and her anonymous sources.  We just hope E:60 has learned from their past mistakes.  If they ask him about steroids, the interview’s over.

– Spike TV sent out another ‘in your face!’ press release today to announce that Saturday night’s replay of UFC 94 was the “#1 program among Men 18-34 in all of television (cable and broadcast) during its time period.”  The replay peaked at 2.4 million viewers for the main event and averaged 1.9 million over the three-hour broadcast, which, as Spike is kind enough to point out, bested HBO’s Winky Wright/Paul Williams bout, which drew a measly 1.5 million viewers.  What you’re wondering is, did they mention how it compared to Strikeforce’s viewership?  They did not.  But they know you’re thinking about it anyway.

– Remember the rumored bout between Mark Coleman and Stephan Bonnar?  The UFC made it official for UFC 100 today, but relegated it to the “may not be broadcast” prelims.  On one hand, that’s a hell of a place to end up after such a great career (talking about Coleman, obviously. I said great career, not one great fight).  On the other hand, if there’s one UFC card where you can feel okay about being pushed to the prelims, it’s that one.

(You guys know this thing doesn’t even count, right?)

When the Nevada State Athletic Commission ruled yesterday to change Karo Parisyan’s decision win over Dong Hyun Kim at UFC 94 into a “no decision” on account of the various painkillers running through Parisyan’s veins at the time of the fight, I wondered the same thing I always wonder: how does this affect me?

As you may recall, I put a bet down on Kim when I was going crazy in Vegas the day before UFC 94.  I lost and was forced to dance for nickels under a bridge just to get enough money to make it home.  But with the bout result changed, did the MGM Grand now owe me my money back?  Were they also on the hook for the price of the tetanus shot I had to get when I got home (those nickels aren’t clean, no matter what anyone tells you)?  

I didn’t know, so I called the MGM Grand.  Turns out, they didn’t really know either.  After a lengthy back and forth, they gave up and told me to call the sportsbook at the Mirage, whose policies the MGM Grand follows on this sort of thing.  So I did.  I called the Mirage and got transferred around a bunch.  I got told several different times that the sportsbook didn’t take calls, but my question confused enough people, and eventually they put me through to the sportsbook, where my hopes were immediately shot down.

(If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.)

B.J. Penn brought the big guns to today’s hearing with the Nevada State Athletic Commission.  Not only did the Hawaiian have his lawyer on hand to go over his twenty-page complaint, Penn’s mother, Lorraine Shin, got up and read a statement that, according to MMA Weekly, “accused the Commission of not doing its duty to protect fighters.”

That’s right, Penn brought his mother.  And she was allowed to deliver a statement for some reason.  Apparently someone was worried that this whole greasing scandal thing hadn’t gotten ridiculous enough yet.  Problem solved.

(Parisyan was also "strongly encouraged" to get an eyebrow-wax. Photo courtesy of UFC.com.)

It seems like our earlier post on today’s Penn/St. Pierre NSAC hearing contained a bit of foreshadowing. Yes, fights in Nevada can be overturned if one of the fighters was using banned substances, and Karo Parisyan just learned that the hard way. "The Heat" was busted last month after testing positive for three different painkillers following his three-round snoozer with Dong Hyun Kim at UFC 94. Well, the verdict has finally come down, and Parisyan has been nailed with a nine-month suspension, a $32,000 fine (40% of his total purse), and the official voiding of his split-decision victory against Kim. That fight will now be known as a "no decision," which means that Kim is still technically undefeated. As Sherdog reports:

(The greasing heard ’round the world. Photo courtesy of NBC Sports.)

Following repeated arguments from BJ Penn that Georges St. Pierre‘s cornermen improperly used vaseline during their UFC 94 fight in January, the Nevada State Athletic Commission will meet today in Las Vegas at 9 a.m. PT to discuss what action, if any, should be taken against Phil Nurse and Greg Jackson.

Though Penn wants the fight to be changed to a no-contest, that scenario is unlikely; as NSAC executive director Keith Kizer explained to Sherdog, an MMA bout in Nevada can only be ruled a no-contest after the fact if scorecards were added incorrectly, if a referee or judge was paid off to influence the fight, if the referee misinterpreted a rule that effected the fight’s outcome, or if there was the use of non-approved drugs or steroids. Kizer explained that the actual purpose of today’s hearing was to prevent controversial greasing situations from happening in the future:

(‘Let’s see how you like going up against a greased up Canadian and Lyoto Machida, you f*ckers.  I promise you it isn’t as much fun as it sounds.’)

Though he’s been uncharacteristically complimentary of Scott Coker’s Strikeforce operation, even after their move into the big time with the purchase of select Pro Elite assets, that doesn’t mean Dana White is content to let them operate free from any UFC interference.  When Strikeforce makes its Showtime debut with Diaz-Shamrock on April 11, the UFC will pull one of its favorite counter-programming tactics, running a popular recent pay-per-event for free on Spike TV the same night.

Strikeforce will go up against UFC 94, as Dana White and Co. attempt to draw fans away from the competing organization with the main event that made “Vaseline” a popular keyword term for MMA websites everywhere.  If anybody’s up for that challenge, it’s probably Frank Shamrock and Nick Diaz, who will say enough crazy things in the run-up to the bout to make you forget all about crazy things of the past.

(He will litigate to the death, and he is not joking about this.)

Well, he finally went and did it.  After weeks of less structured, though more entertaining gripes and accusations, UFC lightweight champ B.J. Penn and his camp have filed a formal complaint with the Nevada State Athletic Commission against welterweight champ Georges St Pierre.

The Penn camp filed a twenty-page document (so take that Jackson camp, with your puny seventeen pages) detailing the complaint and outlining the consequences they’d like to see.  And what are those consequences?  You know the usual.  They just want to see GSP, his trainers, and other as of yet unnamed parties fined $250,000, have the bout result changed to a no contest, suspend the licenses of GSP, Phil Nurse, and Greg Jackson, and force GSP to undergo pre-fight showers.  Basically just the regular old stuff.

The complaint also accuses St. Pierre of “ingesting a substance” to make his body especially slippery before the fight.  It makes us wish the formal hearing really does happen so we can hear Penn’s lawyer accuse GSP of drinking baby oil, and then hear GSP’s lawyer counter that baby oil is considered a delicacy in certain French-Canadian circles.

It’s in your hands now, NSAC.  Please do something and put an end to this epic paperwork war. 

In this clip from “Inside MMA” trainer Greg Jackson is asked about comments from Dana White insinuating that the greasing incident at UFC 94 was intentional, at least on the part of Georges St. Pierre’s trainers.  Jackson responds by calling the UFC prez a lying motherfucker.  Okay, not in those words, but it’s in his eyes.

Actually, the strange part is Jackson admitting that GSP’s magical breathing technique is “above my pay grade.”  Seriously?  You’ve got one of the best minds in MMA in your corner and even he doesn’t know what the hell you’re doing with your greasy hands on GSP’s chest?

After the jump, Raw Vegas takes a look at Gray Maynard’s training for his UFC 96 bout with Jim Miller.  You ask me, it could very well be one of the more interesting fights on the card.  Or it could be a typical Gray Maynard affair.  But I don’t know, those Miller boys, they’re tricky.

(Props: BJPenn.com)

As part of his one-man Warren Commission on that unfortunate UFC 94 greasing scandal, BJ Penn has released a highlight video of sorts, intended to prove exactly why Georges St. Pierre is a dirty, rotten, no-good cheater. I don’t know if Penn hired the same team responsible for putting together UFC Primetime, but this is a first-class production, all the way. Imagine if Genghis Con was a crybaby bitch who couldn’t accept that fact that he got crushed by GSP — this is the kind of video he’d make.

Oh, I kid the proud Hawaiian. To be honest, Penn presents a compelling case, and it does seem mighty suspicious that Sean Sherk, Matt Hughes, and Jason Miller all came up with the same excuse as to why they couldn’t handle St. Pierre. As the saying goes, where there’s smoke, there’s a hot pre-fight bath followed by a baby-oil rubdown. Also, the video’s use of "Tom Sawyer" by Rush? A very subtle dig at GSP’s Canadianism. Where’s your mean, mean pride, Georges?

(Plotting his next move…)

Someone please explain to me what has happened to B.J. Penn.  Did he suffer some sort of brain trauma in his fight with Georges St. Pierre?  Is he playing an elaborate practical joke on all of us, or does he just crave attention?

First Penn came out this week claiming that Kenny Florian, the man who will likely face Penn in the Octagon next (coincidence?), sent him an email before UFC 94 to tip him off about GSP’s greasing.  When Florian denied it, asking Penn to produce the email as proof, Penn changed his story completely.  In a video post to BJPenn.com yesterday, he claimed it was a text, not an email, and it was sent to a member of Penn’s camp, not Penn himself, and that it included charges of steroid use.  

I’m going to have to call shenanigans, as they say, and for several reasons.

(Photo courtesy of MMA Junkie.)

Shortly after Karo Parisyan’s unfortunate post-UFC 94 drug test results were released, the Heat expressed frustration at his situation, telling MMA Weekly that he’d revealed all his medications before the fight and was under the impression that he was not in violation of any rules. But Nevada State Athletic Commission executive director Keith Kizer has contradicted Parisyan’s account of the events, spurring the troubled UFC welterweight to sort of change his story. Now, Parisyan says his complete honesty about his painkiller use didn’t happen until after after the fight:

Apparently, that’s not a good enough excuse. Regarding Parisyan’s statement that a prescription would absolve him from punishment, Keith Kizer was dismissive:

(We could have used some painkillers during this fight too, now that you mention it. Photo courtesy of MMA Weekly.)

The Nevada State Athletic Commission has released the drug test results from UFC 94, and every fighter passed their screenings for banned substances except for Karo Parisyan, who was apparently medicated to the gills with the painkillers Hydrocodone, Hydromorphone, and Oxymorphone during his uninspiring split-decision victory over Dong Hyun Kim; Oxymorphone was also one of the painkillers that earned James Irvin a nine-month suspension following his loss to Anderson Silva in July. FiveOuncesofPain gets their pharmacist on:

A surprised Karo Parisyan told MMA Weekly that he revealed all his medications on his pre-fight medical paperwork, and believed that he had followed proper procedure and was not in violation of any rules. Unfortunately he appears to be, and the ensuing punishment could jeopardize his next fight, which was rumored to be a matchup with Josh Koscheck.

Parisyan has been engaged in a widely publicized battle with panic attacks in recent months — which led to a last-second pullout from a fight against Yoshiyuki Yoshida at UFC 88 in September — but had declined to take anti-depressants to deal with the illness. Whether that decision was due to an unwillingness to complicate his life with athletic commissions, or plain old Armenian Pride, it isn’t clear — but it has now become a moot point.

Parisyan will likely face a fine and a suspension. More details to come.

I talked to Jon Jones for this week’s SI.com column, in which he discusses what it was like growing up with two brothers who both now play defensive line at Syracuse (with the eldest headed soon to the NFL) and how he learned to strike by watching YouTube videos:

The gym I train at is a really small gym, a lot of wrestlers, so I didn’t have a striking coach until this last fight.  I had to teach myself how to strike.  I would study a lot of videos on YouTube, or go to different websites where I could watch old Pride fights.  I just became obsessed with MMA and watched videos over and over again.  I learned the moves and took them to practice and started using them.  Before I knew it I was considered a pretty good striker. 

YouTube videos can really teach you a lot.  It depends how you search for them.  If you look really hard, you can find videos of seminars from some of the best fighters in the world.  It’s just a matter of taking them seriously.  You have the Bas Rutten’s and the Anderson Silva DVD’s, but you can find most of that stuff on the internet for free, so that’s what I was doing.  I was basically teaching myself with them.  Now I can honestly say I’ve been taught by some of the best teachers in the world because I’ve watched some of the greatest seminars online. 

Obviously, Jones is a freakish athlete who can simply do things other people can’t, such as watch YouTube videos and then beat up UFC veterans.  But what struck me was his humility and obsession with improving as a fighter.  Check this quote, for example, on what went through his mind after the UFC offered him the fight with Bonnar:

The boys from “MMA Live” break down UFC 94, which, of course, includes a thorough look at LubeGate (or as some of you would rather call it, LubriGate).  Franklin McNeil is quick to dismiss it as no big deal, but Kenny Florian makes mention of a “select few” who do make use of greasing agents.  It’s almost as if he has someone specific in mind.  Someone he’s personally faced, who was “slippery,” and who had also trained with one Georges St. Pierre at various points.  Hmmmm….

(Props: MMA Videos)

Internet conspiracy theorists/video editors comb through GSP’s body of work, so to speak, in order to find evidence of past greasing.  The Zapruder film it ain’t, but still worth a look.

(Photo courtesy of Mark J. Rebilas.)
 
For nearly two years, UFC 66 — which featured the light-heavyweight title bout between the organization’s two biggest stars, Chuck Liddell and Tito Ortiz — was the UFC’s best-selling pay-per-view card of all time, with an estimated 1,050,000 buys. Few UFC events even came close to the lofty record, until UFC 91 in November almost surpassed it on the strength of the Couture/Lesnar superfight, bringing in a reported 1,010,000 buys. A month later, the stacked-to-death "Ultimate 2008" card smashed the old record with 1,200,000 buys. And now, if Dana White is to be believed, last Saturday’s UFC 94 show has broken the record again, with an estimated 1,300,000+ pay-per-view buys. That figure even beats the 1,250,000 buys that the Oscar De La Hoya/Manny Pacquiao boxing match pulled down in December. 

Could the UFC be a recession-proof business, with a steadily growing base of consumers? Or are the killer numbers for St. Pierre vs. Penn 2 a direct result of the event’s marketing blitz, which included the flashy new documentary series UFC Primetime? And how long will this new record last? Though there are no bonafide superfights on the schedule right now, DW reminds us that we have Mir/Lesnar, Penn/Florian, Rashad Evans’s first title defense, and Randy Couture’s next fight coming up, so there’s no shortage of great matchups to be had. Meanwhile, the UFC’s competition is thrilled to get 150,000-200,000 buys, which just illustrates the gulf in success between the top MMA outfit in the world and everybody else.

Unfortunately, not all is rosy in the financial realm of Zuffa. Frank and Lorenzo Fertitta’s Station Casinos empire announced that it would be going through a "prepackaged bankruptcy" to avoid being crushed by the $2 billion in debts it accrued when the company went private in 2007. Station has been one of the hardest-hit casino groups during the current economic downturn, which has greatly affected Las Vegas’s tourism and real estate markets.

(‘An opportunity to criticize GSP, you say?  Count me in!’)

Well, LubeGate has officially run the gauntlet.  Matt Hughes is the latest former opponent of Georges St. Pierre to add fuel the greasy fire.  In a blog post to his website today, Hughes had this to say:

I’m not the only one who has said that GSP felt greasy during a fight. I know Matt Serra has mentioned it and, even in their first fight, I think BJ said something. I’m not saying GSP did something wrong and I’m not saying that it would have changed any outcomes of any fights; but what I am saying is, for my last two fights against Georges, he felt greasy.

Weird, he felt greasy in those last two fights?  As in, the two that Hughes lost?  Interesting.

Having more opponents jump on this bandwagon doesn’t help GSP’s case any, but what I’m wondering is, if he’s been greasing himself up for years why hasn’t he been caught before now?  The boys from the NSAC jumped all over him when they saw it at UFC 94.  How has he managed to apply Vaseline to his body in front of cameras and athletic commission observers for so long?  Is he taking a Vaseline supplement that makes it come out of his pores?  

(Noogie!)

The more Georges St. Pierre talks about his strategy for B.J. Penn, the more I’m struck by how scientific it sounds.  Usually when you hear fighters talk about their gameplan it’s vague classics like ‘push the pace’ or ‘take the fight to him.’  Basically, it’s stuff that is one step up from an inspirational slogan.

But GSP?  He practically steals your medical records in order to figure out how to beat you.  Just look at what he told SI.com about Penn’s physical strengths and weaknesses:

B.J. Penn, you were talking about his guard, he has very flexible legs. Another thing is, because he has very flexible hips, it made his thoracic cage more susceptible to being weak. That’s why I was working a lot of elbows to the body. On the ground I was putting my elbow in his stomach to make him tired. And a lot of knees. It was my game plan.

[…]

I know a lot of doctors. It’s a fact. When somebody has flexible hips, normally he has a weak thoracic cage. His bones are weaker. It’s science. And with B.J., that’s the case. He has very flexible hips, so his core is weaker than somebody who has normal hips. That’s why I was attacking the body a lot. People, when they fight B.J., they try to hit the head. But B.J. has very thick skin and he moves his head very well and his reaction time is very fast. He can move his head standing up, but his body never moves. I was targeting the body a lot.

As for allegations that he was greased up in the fight, GSP says he “cant’ believe” the Penn camp considered filing a formal complaint (though word now is that they’ve decided against it), that he’s not a cheater and will prove it in court if he has to, and also that it wasn’t any artificial substance that thwarted Penn’s high guard:

(With tailored suits like that he’s just as slick outside the Octagon.)

After an exhausting and entertaining UFC 94, we sat down with our Cage Potato Super Computer and churned out the arbitrary numerical data for the relevant parties.  It wasn’t easy, but dammit, it was necessary.

Georges St. Pierre +361

Whether you think he was greased up or not, he put a beating on B.J. Penn that can’t be explained away (Vaseline didn’t help him dodge jabs or score takedowns, after all).  He showed up in great shape, with a great game plan, and proceeded to do exactly what he said he would.  GSP is an absolute monster, and at just 27 years old he’ll dominate the division for the foreseeable future.  Good luck, Thiago Alves.  You’ll need it.

B.J. Penn -86

He’s still the best lightweight in the world.  Let’s hope this beating convinced him to stay in the division where he truly belongs.  If you’re going to be the smaller man in the fight, you’d better be more active and in better shape.  He was neither, and he paid the price.  Now give KenFlo his shot.

Vaseline + 590

To hear Penn’s trainers talk, you’d think it was a magical substance.  Just a dash and you become a guard-passing, ground-and-pounding machine.  We may find out how responsible it is for GSP’s success, because after this incident the athletic commissions will be watching closely, as will the UFC.

Props to the Las Vegas Sun, UFC.com, MMA Weekly, Combat Lifestyle, and MMA Fanhouse.

The most interesting part of this UFC 94 video blog comes at around the 9:50 mark, when Dana White becomes clearly upset over the Georges St. Pierre greasing incident and remarks, “Georges is in trouble.”  Well, maybe not Georges so much as the cornerman who rubbed him down, though I’m inclined to believe Greg Jackson’s explanation, and also inclined to agree with Dana’s assertion that a little Vaseline did not change the outcome of this fight, one way or another.  Still doesn’t make it a good idea, though.

Other moments worth seeing here: Dana consoles a distraught Stephan Bonnar, Joe Rogan and Eddie Bravo gush over Jon Jones, and Dana watches Akihiro Gono and his camp rehearse their elaborate Octagon entrance, which was truly a thing to behold.  When Gono and his boys walked out in those matching evening gowns, pausing every few steps to get their dance on, you could feel the crowd going through a range of emotions.  First came shock, then slight amusement, then genuine appreciation.  Honestly, it was the best entrance in the history of MMA.

In the post-fight press conference a reporter asked Dana what he thought of a guy who came out in drag and got his ass kicked.  Dana pointed out that a) a lot of people are going to get their ass kicked against Jon Fitch, and b) he loves Gono and what he brings to a UFC event.  Then he conceded: “But if you’re going to wear a dress you probably better win.”

I know some people will make the argument that Gono would have been better served focusing more time and energy on his preparation for the fight than on his entrance, but let’s be real.  Gono was going to get beat up with or without the awesome, cross-dressing entrance.  Might as well have some fun before the pain begins.

(Photo courtesy of MMAWeekly.)

The UFC paid out a hearty $1,252,000 in disclosed salaries and bonuses for yesterday’s UFC 94 event. The figures are below, courtesy of MMA Weekly. Keep in mind that these numbers don’t include any undisclosed "locker room bonuses" often given out to fighters for exciting performances, or cuts of the pay-per-view revenue, which Georges St. Pierre reportedly has in his new contract.

– Georges St. Pierre: $400,000 (includes $200,000 win bonus)
– Lyoto Machida $185,000 (includes $60,000 win bonus, $65,000 Knockout of the Night bonus)
– B.J. Penn: $125,000
– Clay Guida $105,000 (includes $20,000 win bonus, $65,000 Fight of the Night bonus)
– Nate Diaz $85,000 (includes $65,000 Fight of the Night bonus)
– Karo Parisyan $80,000 (includes $40,000 win bonus)
– Chris Wilson $80,000 (includes $65,000 Fight of the Night bonus)
– John Howard $71,000 (includes $3,000 win bonus, $65,000 Fight of the Night bonus)
– Jon Fitch $68,000 (includes $34,000 win bonus)
– Thiago Silva: $29,000

    
(GSP’s brilliant Superman-jab, and Jon Jones’ spinning elbow to the back of Stephan Bonnar’s head, which caused Joe Silva to freak the fuck out. Props to NbleSavage and Smoogy on the UG.) 

— Last night around 9 p.m. PT, the MGM Grand Garden Arena slipped through a cosmic wormhole and landed in Bizarro World. How else would you explain Lyoto Machida picking up UFC 94‘s "Knockout of the Night" bonus in one of the two fights that didn’t go to a decision? The Dragon earned an extra $65,000 for putting Thiago Silva‘s lights out at the very end of round 1. There were no submissions last night (unless you count BJ Penn quitting in his corner), so the UFC decided to hand out two sets of "Fight of the Night" bonuses instead. John Howard and Chris Wilson both earned $65k for their exciting undercard match, which UFC newcomer Howard won by split decision. Nate Diaz and Clay Guida also picked up bonuses for their classic striker vs. hugger battle that ended with Guida getting his hand raised in a Split D.

— The UFC announced that last night’s show drew 14,885 attendees for a live gate of approximately $4.3 million. If that gate figure is accurate, it would make UFC 94 the sixth-highest-grossing UFC event of all-time in terms of ticket revenue. 

— Though the show was short on thrilling stoppages, the fans certainly got their money’s worth when it came to total fight time. UFC 94′s eight decisions broke the previous record of six, held by UFC 33, Fight Night 4, Fight Night 7, UFC 76, UFC 87, UFC 89, and UFC 90. No previous UFC event has ever featured more than two split decisions — UFC 94 had five, a record that hopefully will never be broken.

(Gono‘s Afro wig gives Fitch much happiness.  Photo courtesy of MMA Weekly.)

The MGM Grand Garden Arena is sold out for tonight’s event, leaving lonely men to wander the casino floor and mutter hopeless pleas for spare tickets.  But you, you lucky bastards, have this liveblog.  It’s as elusive as Lyoto Machida, as much of a chick magnet as Georges St. Pierre, and as steeped in straight-up, gangsta realness as Nate Diaz.

We’re going to get started with the prelims at about 5 pm PST, so if you don’t want to ruin the undercard results for yourself, tread carefully.  Otherwise, hop on and enjoy the ride.  Remember to hit refresh often.  But before we get started, how about helping us out with a Digg.  Thanks.  You’re the best.

(Photo courtesy of MMA Weekly.)

The MGM Grand Garden Arena was a packed house for this afternoon’s UFC 94 weigh-ins.  Every fighter made weight, some after taking full advantage of the extra pound allowance for non-title bouts.  

Akihiro Gono got the crowd’s attention when he showed up in zebra shorts and an enormous Afro wig.  As a show of good sportsmanship before the staredown he offered the Afro wig to Jon Fitch, who accepted it and put it on his own head for the photo op.

B.J. Penn clocked in at a very svelte 168 pounds, just in case you forgot this wasn’t his natural weight class, while Georges St. Pierre was an even 170.

Said GSP after the weigh-in: “I’ve never been so excited for a fight.  I’ve never wanted to win so bad.  Tomorrow night, don’t blink.  It’s going to be a great fight.”

As for Penn, he said simply: "I’m ready.  I have nothing else to say.  Let’s fight."

The most intense moment of the weigh-in occurred when Clay Guida and Nate Diaz finally came face to face.  A fired up Guida worked the crowd into a frenzy first, while Diaz came out to a chorus of boos second.  After both men made weight, Guida got right in the taller man’s face.  Diaz, naturally, continued mean-mugging Guida all the way off the stage.  Because for the Diaz brothers, it’s always personal.

Full results from the UFC 94 weigh-ins are after the jump.

(Photo courtesy of Zimbio.com.)

We called up Joe Rogan earlier this week hoping to shoot the bull about tomorrow’s UFC card. Instead, we got a full education about humanity’s impending peak point, the thievery of war, Ashton Kutcher, and psychedelic Internet dance-porn. But that’s how it goes with Joe, whether you’re listening to his stand-up comedy CDs or watching him explain things to Mike Goldberg during UFC broadcasts — not only are you entertained, but you actually feel smarter afterwards. Of course, he did run down the GSP/Penn matchup for us, as well as share stories about his early days with the UFC and fill us in on his upcoming comedy special. So read on and be enlightened…

***

CAGEPOTATO.COM: I saw on your website that you did some standup gigs in Austin, Texas last weekend. How would you compare the Austin crowd to the Dublin crowd you played to the week before?
JOE ROGAN: They’re both great in different ways. Ireland is a lot like England — they really appreciate American standup comedy over there. I don’t know what it is about American comedy and the U.K., but it seems to work. I’ve even met a few American expatriates who live over there and do standup. But Dublin was great, and the fans in Austin are always awesome — it’s one of my favorite places ever.

Out of curiosity, is it possible to score good weed in Ireland?
Not good weed. No. You can get passable weed. Unfortunately for the Irish, marijuana is just as illegal as heroin or cocaine or anything else. I believe the way they prosecute it is by how much the drug is worth, rather than how dangerous or harmful to society it is.

I just got your last comedy CD Shiny Happy Jihad, and in the liner notes it says “All together in 2012.” What’s going to happen in 2012?
That’s like the million dollar question, right there. Who knows what’s going to happen. I’m not a scientist, or an archeologist, or a futurist, so for me it’s more fun than anything. But the idea behind it, according to people who take it very seriously, whether they’re the people who decipher the Mayan calendar, or the Terrence McKennas of the world — there’s a guy named Terrence McKenna who actually created a mathematical algorithm that predicted what he called “waves of novelty,” meaning human innovation throughout time and history, and he believed that what we do as human beings, as far as creating new things like the wheel or matches or the Internet, that what we’re doing is part of a mathematical program. Meaning that we are doing something that you can actually track with mathematics. And his algorithm showed that human innovation is pre-destined. It’s just what we do, like bees make beehives, ants make anthills — human beings make technology. We change our environment, we alter things. And that eventually we were going to reach a peak point, or a point of what they call “ultimate novelty,” and that this is going to be a moment where something is invented, something happens, that changes the world as we know it.

(Just try and ignore it, passing motorists.)

Today is my lucky day, Potato Nation.  Here I am in Vegas for UFC 94, and it’s the grand opening of the Tito Ortiz Punishment MMA Store.  What are the odds!?  Even better, the store is conveniently located inside the Hooters Hotel and Casino across from the MGM Grand, where the fights will take place tomorrow night, so naturally I had to drop in and see what kind of sweet Team Punishment gear I could pick up.

A sign informed me that Justin “The Insane 1” McCully and Tiki Ghosn would be signing autographs tomorrow afternoon, thus completing what is perhaps MMA’s greatest D-list event.

The store itself is tiny, and filled with exactly the kinds of clothes you’d expect.  Almost every t-shirt featured either a fist or chains, sometimes a combination of both.  Despite today being the grand opening, however, I was the only person in the store.  Well, aside from the three teenage girls working there, who were all fairly brimming with excitement (see below).

(Karo suddenly remembers that "Overboard" is on TNT tonight, and immediately wishes he had stayed home. Oh, that Goldie Hawn.)

When we made reference to Karo Parisyan’s physical and mental troubles as reasons why he might not be in optimal shape against Dong Hyun Kim on Saturday, we were partly speculationg and partly joking.  But you know who doesn’t joke around?  The UFC.  And just in case Parisyan burns them again with another late withdrawal in the hours before fight time, they now have a back-up plan.

MMA Mania says the UFC has 7-2 Rick Story (just think of the nickname possibilities, such as "Bedtime" or "Cinderella") waiting in the wings to step in as a replacement for Parisyan if needed.  It would be Story’s first UFC appearance, though he does have a couple of quality wins against guys like Brandon Melendez and Jake Ellenberger under his belt, so he’s no chump.  

But if Parisyan really does pull out on extremely short notice again, you’d have to think that would spell the end of his UFC career.  The fact that the UFC is worried enough about it to have a replacement on hand is already a sign of their complete lack of faith in him.  

On the flip side, it also means that expectations are so low all he really has to do to exceed them is step in the Octagon on Satuday night without freaking out.  This is one of those few times in life where just showing up is enough, much like your wedding day.  And the creeping sense of dread and regret that follows?  You can just push that way down in your subconscious for years until it finally boils to the surface.  So come on, Karo.  Keep it together.

(Props: UFC‘s e-mail newsletter)

If you’ll be in Las Vegas for tomorrow night’s fights, don’t forget to stop by LAX afterwards to party with Our Great Lord Satan. Special appearance by Heidi and Spencer!

You know, it’s nice that even as hard as Dana White works he still finds time for a little fun, mainly by busting the balls of subordinates and playing office pranks on co-workers.  Whatever gets you through the day, right?  Although you can’t help but feel that Dana might not be as fun-loving were he on the business end of these pranks (remember the shock pen?).  But I guess that’s one advantage of being the boss.  The video blog cameraman aptly sums up his situation at the end of this installment, saying: “It’s like National Geographic.  They don’t stop the lions from eating the gazelles; they just film it.”

In other UFC 94 news, many of you have noticed that there’s no official Cage Potato Pick-em Contest for this event, mainly because we’ve been giving away so much stuff we’re pretty tapped at the moment.  That doesn’t mean you can’t still play for pride though, as the more enterprising among you have discovered.  

Head on over to our forums right now and enter your picks for a chance to win…a swift kick in the balls?  Dammit, you guys aren’t using our forums to try and turn this into one of your weirdo fetish sites again, are you?  Either way, best of luck to you all in the informal UFC 94 Pick-em Contest.

(‘Hope you got that camera turned on, ’cause I ain’t doing this shit again.’)

Looks like “running the rock” wasn’t enough to impress oddsmakers, as B.J. Penn is still the betting underdog just two days before UFC 94.  Maybe if we got the impression that the rock exercise was something he did every morning, rather than just once to show off for the cameras, things would be different.  

Today’s betting lines come from BestFightOdds.com, and they’re tighter than usual all across the board, with one exception.

Georges St. Pierre (-175) vs. BJ Penn (+166)
Lyoto Machida (-245) vs. Thiago Silva (+232)
Stephan Bonnar (-165) vs. Jon Jones (+156)
Karo Parisyan (-271) vs. Dong Hyun Kim (+260)
Nate Diaz (-117) vs. Clay Guida (+107)
Jon Fitch (-500) vs. Akihiro Gono (+450)
Chris Wilson (-295) vs. John Howard (+285)
Manvel Gamburyan (+116) vs. Thiago Tavares (-120)
Jake O’Brien (-240) vs. Christian Wellisch (+236)
Matt Arroyo (-170) vs. Dan Cramer (+161)

Thoughts…