If it wasn’t for bad luck, Strikeforce’s upcoming “Carano vs. Cyborg” card wouldn’t have any luck at all. Despite the best intentions, some MMA events are destined to be magnets for injuries, unwelcome surprises, and other bizarre occurrences. But which events have been screwed by fate the hardest? Knock on wood, grab your crotch, and read on…

*****
#10: UFC 67: All Or Nothing, 2/3/07

The aptly-titled “All or Nothing” event was the first UFC pay-per-view in nearly a year to lack a title fight by the time it finally took place.  That’s all the more disappointing when you consider that it had two a couple months out from the event, pitting TUF “Comeback” winners Matt Serra and Travis Lutter against the champions in their respective weight classes.

The first title fight went down the drain when Georges St. Pierre injured his knee during training and had to put off the fight with Serra (and we all remember how that went when it finally happened).  Fortunately they still had Anderson Silva vs. Travis Lutter to fall back on…right?  Only Lutter failed to make weight for his title shot, downgrading his “Rocky” storyline to a “Bad News Bears” one.  Instead they just had themselves a normal old three-rounder, with Lutter holding his own in the first round before getting triangled/elbowed to death in the second. What fun.

#9: UFC 98: Evans vs. Machida, 5/23/09

The event that famously launched “the Machida Era” only included Lyoto as a last resort. Originally, the card was to be headlined by the heavyweight title scrap between Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir, until Mir informed the UFC that he was still recovering from knee surgery. The main event was then changed to a light-heavyweight title fight between Rashad Evans and Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, but Jackson — who had just gone the distance with Keith Jardine two months earlier — bowed out due to lingering hand and jaw injuries. And so, the UFC decided to give a well-deserved light-heavyweight title shot to that weird Brazilian guy with the unibrow.

If you’re Rashad Evans, that would be enough to make this one of the unluckiest fight cards ever. But UFC 98’s string of setbacks extended to the supporting cast as well. Josh Koscheck pulled out of the event due to a broken toe and was replaced by Brock Larson; Koscheck’s scheduled opponent, Chris Wilson, missed the show because of incomplete paperwork. James “Born Under a Bad Sign” Irvin suffered one of his many knee injuries and was replaced by Xavier Foupa-Pokam. Yushin Okami also went down with a dodgy knee and was replaced by Chael Sonnen. And finally, hard-luck-case Houston Alexander broke his hand during training and was replaced by Krzysztof Soszynski. Later, it was discovered that the MGM Grand Garden Arena had been built on an Indian burial ground.

(Throw the damn towel, indeed. Props: MMA Videos.)

We in the MMA world always assumed that Fedor Emelianenko was Ivan Drago.  You know, if you take away the height and impressive build and advanced training techniques and replace them all with the opposites of those things.  Only now do we see how wrong we were.  Lyoto Machida is clearly the unbeatable destroyer of worlds with the funny accent, leaving us only to wonder, who’s Rocky in this analogy?  "Shogun" freaking Rua? 

After the jump, Raw Vegas goes to Wal-Mart to watch "Rampage" Jackson sign some boobies.  It’s a pretty decent life, even without the UFC light heavyweight title. 

(Lyoto may have put an entire weight class to sleep on Saturday. Photo courtesy of UFC.com.)

Over the last couple years, we’ve heard the same lines repeated about the UFC’s marquee weight-class: The light-heavyweight division is freakin’ stacked. Eight or nine of the top ten 205′ers in the world live there. It’s a shark tank, where any fighter could be champion on any given day. But after Lyoto Machida dethroned Rashad Evans in a lopsided sparring clinic at UFC 98, it suddenly didn’t feel that way any more.

If Machida can defeat Quinton Jackson later this year — and there’s no reason to think he won’t, since Jackson’s increasingly one-dimensional boxing style is virtually tailor-made for Machida — he’ll establish an Anderson Silva-like dominance over the light-heavyweight division; the contenders in his weight class will appear relatively weak since nobody can touch him. Or maybe the UFC’s light-heavyweights really have gotten weaker. Let’s run it down…

(When you’ve got a championship belt on your shoulder and 200k in your pocket, all the ladies want a piece of you — even the old and busted ones. That’s your mom @ 0:37-1:01. Props to TATAMETV.)

The fighters who did battle at UFC 98 took home $1,196,000 in disclosed salaries and bonuses, according to figures released today by the Nevada State Athletic Commission. Though Rashad Evans came into Saturday’s event with the highest to-show salary in the building ($200,000), Lyoto Machida tied his purse when bonuses were added in, and Matt Hughes actually surpassed both of them thanks to his bumps. The numbers — which don’t include any undisclosed backstage palm-greasing — are below…

Matt Hughes — $260,000 (includes $100,000 win bonus and $60,000 Fight of the Night bonus)
Lyoto Machida — $200,000 (includes $70,000 win bonus and $60,000 Knockout of the Night bonus)
Rashad Evans — $200,000
Matt Serra — $135,000 (includes $60,000 Fight of the Night bonus)
Brock Larson — $102,000 (includes $21,000 win bonus and $60,000 Submission of the Night bonus)

(Props: MMA Bloodbath)

If you were paying attention during UFC 98, you probably noticed that every time referee Yves Lavigne was introduced, he was booed as if the crowd just saw a video of him farting on sandwiches. No, it wasn’t leftover hate from the Brown/Sell fiasco — the crowd actually turned on him thanks to his controversial handling of the preliminary match between Kyle Bradley and TUF 8 lightweight finalist Phillipe Nover. Taking a look at the video above, we see the following…

(Photo courtesy of SI.com)

There’s nothing like a title changing hands, a hatchet being buried, and an upset or two to give the arbitrary numerical rankings system of the Potato Index something to talk about.  Let’s see who’s up and who’s down after UFC 98.

Lyoto Machida +316
He came into this fight as the favorite to win a boring decision.  Less than ten minutes later people were talking about The Machida Era as if it were the Ming Dynasty and lamenting the fate of whatever poor bastard had to face him next.  He proved you can be an elusive, complicated martial artist and still kick serious ass.  Dawning of a new age in MMA, or just a beautiful anomaly?

Rashad Evans -127
Becomes another 205-pound champ to lose his first title defense, and barely lands a punch in the process.  Keeping your back against the cage and trying to counter those whirlwind attacks can probably be ruled out as the strategy to beat Machida, but Evans had to try something.  Back to the middle of the pack.

(I count 11 punches thrown and eight landed cleanly.  That’s precision destruction. Props: MMA Core.)

You can pick your reason for being surprised with the results of last night’s Lyoto Machida-Rashad Evans title fight at UFC 98.  If you expected Machida to win a less than thrilling five-round decision, you got to be completely shocked by seeing him turn into the guy who did the chasing for a change, as well as the guy who used Terminator-like accuracy to do the most damage with the least possible effort.  

If you expected Evans to use his wrestling to control Machida – a position which sounded so rational in my own head just twenty-four hours ago – you got to be surprised for all the above reasons and more.  Most likely your head is still spinning, and not just for lack of sleep.

Machida beat down a respected UFC champ (okay, one defending his title for the first time, but still) and made it look absurdly easy.  He did it in a fashion that has us all wondering if the fighter who might eventually dethrone him has even been born yet.  Just calling that performance ‘dominant’ doesn’t quite cut it.  Maybe that’s why I couldn’t help but be reminded of the Anderson Silva of two years ago, even as Anderson Silva fights like the Lyoto Machida of two years ago. I’m telling you, it’s spooky.

(Yep, that’s how bad it was.)

Yeah, I know that he was technically ineligible to receive a Submission of the Night bonus at UFC 98.  And the fight wasn’t competitive enough (read: at all) to garner consideration for Fight of the Night.  But when you beat ass with the kind of dominating, precise beauty that Lyoto Machida did last night, knocking out Rashad Evans and looking like a perfect fighting machine sent back in time by a futuristic Karate-centric society to teach us all a valuable lesson, it really seems like they ought to create a new bonus category to honor you.

(Just after this photo was taken, Rashad respectfully grabbed his nuts and blew Lyoto a kiss. Props to Combat Lifestyle.)

It got Koscheck. It got Okami. It got Alexander and Irvin and Wilson. But by God, the UFC 98 curse will not rob us of seeing Sean Sherk and Frankie Edgar fight to an inevitable decision, or Dan Miller submit Chael Sonnen in the first round, or Rashad Evans and Lyoto Machida counter-counter-punch for the light-heavyweight title — unless the arena collapses within the next few minutes, which is always a possibility. Live round-by-round updates from tonight’s pay-per-view broadcast are after the jump; refresh the page regularly to see all the latest. Let’s get ready to EVAAAAAAAAAAADE!!!

(Kaplan/Roop is easily going to be Fight of the Night. And Dana went to MIT. Photo courtesy of this set on CombatLifestyle.com)

Spoilers after the jump…

With "Evans vs. Machida" signaling the end of a five-week UFC drought, the anticipation and nervous energy runs high in this video-blog-recap of Wednesday and Thursday. President White is in good spirits, checking out the new, heavier version of the UFC championship belt, cruising around in the ultimate guidomobile, and torching some poor schmuck who had the misfortune of showing up in a paisley shirt. ("You and the Revolution have a good day. Say hi to Apollonia for me.") Later, he presses palms at Thursday’s press conference, and has a very cordial phone conversation with Chuck Liddell, who’s his usual lucid self. I hope you’re all re-hydrating, because it’s about to go down…

(Does it even matter why this picture was taken?)

- Everyone is just trying to help Chuck Liddell. (Fightlinker)

- UFC Undisputed is a solid hit. (MMA Payout)

- Machida talks urine drinking. (Ask Men)

- The pros pick Evans vs. Machida. (Sherdog)

- Check out the final Bellator tournament schedule. (Fighters Only)

- Rashad Evans talks Machida, being the underdog. (Ask Men)

- Video of Machida vs. Bonnar. (MMA TKO)

- Top 3 most frustrating teams to watch in baseball. (Scores Report)

- The celebrity gender switch experiment. (Holy Taco)

- 10 great war movie quotes. (Screen Junkies)

- 56 insanely hot Indy car grid girls. (All Left Turns)

- Fat kid ATV jousting nut shot. (Nothing Toxic)

Lyoto Machida in Countdown to UFC 98 excerpt – Watch more Funny Videos

Last night’s Countdown to UFC 98 special on Spike put a lot of effort into selling Lyoto Machida as a star, running down his backstory and setting him up as a mysterious martial arts warrior with an ancient spirit. I just watched the first half, and decided to pull out a couple highlights for those of you who didn’t get a chance to see it. In the above clip, Lyoto explains exactly why Antonio Inoki slapped the shit out of him, and admits to the pressure that came with being set up as a bagman for Dana White during the Tito Ortiz mess. Also, he explains the historical precedent for his goal of never getting hit. 

Reminder: Our UFC 98 liveblog kicks off tomorrow night at 10 p.m. ET / 7 p.m. PT. We’d love to have you stop by.

(Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

Chris Wilson‘s month just went from incredibly awful to unbelievably terrible. As if getting home-invaded and robbed of all his valuables by Brazilian marauders wasn’t bad enough, the Team Quest welterweight now can’t even earn the money to replace what he lost. Bad, bad tidings from his blog:

(In the lobby of the MGM Grand, going mostly unnoticed.)

I’m not going to lie to you, Potato Nation.  There isn’t a whole lot of enthusiasm for this weekend’s UFC 98 event here in Las Vegas.   Maybe that’s not quite right.  Maybe it’s that there’s just not much awareness.  As great a presence as the UFC always has in Sin City, this week the reaction to the upcoming event from locals and tourists seems lukewarm at best.  But that doesn’t mean that MMA culture in general isn’t a pervasive force all around us.

Sean Sherk’s last two fights against B.J. Penn and Tyson Griffin respectively have seen him trying to reinvent himself as more of a boxer than the one-dimensional wrestler we’ve come to know and tolerate.  But will he really stick with that approach against Frankie Edgar who, as you can see, has some decent hands of his own?  Current Vegas odds have Sherk as slightly better than a 2-1 favorite, which makes sense if you think about the way he’s outwrestled opponents like Hermes Franca and Kenny Florian, and then compare it to the way Edgar was flat out dominated on the mat by Gray Maynard.  

But if Sherk gets caught up trying to please the fans and placate the people who say he can’t finish fights and isn’t entertaining to watch, he’s rolling the dice.  So which Sherk will we see on Saturday — the boxer or the wrestler?  And will it matter?

(‘I come only to drink my own urine and win decisions. And I am all out of urine for at least the next hour.’)

It’s….time!  Here we go again, arguing over UFC 98′s most compelling, pre-packaged storylines and making oblique reference to awesome internet videos we’ve wasted our time watching lately.  Just so you know what you’re in for.  And so it begins…

When Mike Tyson spoke of impetuous style and impregnable defense, he might as well have been describing Lyoto Machida. How can Rashad Evans beat him on Saturday?

BG: According to Jackson camp trainer Mike Winklejohn, Evans’s gameplan will involve countering Machida’s counters. But come on — do you really think Machida hasn’t been working on countering counters to his counters? (Don’t read that sentence while standing between two mirrors or your head will explode.) To be honest, we don’t know what works against Machida. We know what results in utter failure, and that’s trying to strike with him; if Evans is seriously planning on beating Machida in a point-karate match, he’s fucked.

Because of his elusiveness and competent takedown defense, Lyoto Machida hasn’t spent much time on his back during his career. But don’t forget, Evans is a fearsome wrestler. And as much as I hate watching this strategy in action, a boring lay-n-pray decision is Rashad’s best shot at keeping his belt. He just needs to borrow Clay Guida’s “Energizer Blanket” approach — shoot and get stuffed, shoot and get stuffed, shoot and score the takedown, lay on top until Machida escapes or the ref orders a stand-up, repeat as necessary, and win an unsatisfying decision without inflicting any real damage. Yes, it would be ugly, and the fans would be livid. I’d much rather see Machida ghost-ride Evans’s ass with punches and foot-sweeps until Sugar has a nervous breakdown on the stool between the fourth and fifth rounds. But hell, you asked for an answer and I gave you one.

BF: Impregnable defense, I’ll give that much to Machida.  But ‘impetuous’ in this sense means marked by an impatient, impulsive force or violence.  Does that sound like Machida to you?  He’s more like impregnable defense and indifferent style.  Whether he finishes you or not is of little consequence to him.  The guy can wait all night for a victory, and he has.  But on to the question at hand.  

(Ready to make some magic, gentlemen?)

Right off I’ll admit it: there isn’t anything glamorous about the Rashad Evans-Lyoto Machida title fight at UFC 98 this weekend.  A champion who until recently was known for his split decision victories facing off against a challenger known for being so “elusive” that his fights often resemble a ballet more than a brawl – that’s not anyone’s dream bout, least of all a promoter’s. 

But what this fight lacks in star power and fireworks, it makes up for with sheer, good old-fashioned quality.  In many ways Evans-Machida is the best, most legitimate title fight the UFC has put on in nearly a year.  Here’s why:

(Image courtesy of UFC.com/BK. Click for larger version.)

The UFC has a special treat for those staying in to watch the fights on Saturday night. Starting at 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT, four live video streams will be available at UFC.com/BK, as part of a new Burger King-sponsored online feature called "Behind the Octagon." Viewers can switch between the red and blue corner dressing rooms, the fighter entryway, and a camera that will just be following Dana White as he makes his rounds. In other words, you’ll be seeing a lot of behind-the-scenes action that’s never been available before, aside from edited highlights in Danavlogs.

(Oh man, when Frank Mir hears Rashad launch into that joke about the two old nuns who stumble into the nudist colony, he simply can’t help himself.  No matter how many times he hears it, Evans’ delivery cracks him up every time.)

Sup, MMA fans.  It’s been a while since the old Gambling Addiction Enabler rapped at you, so you might be wondering what he’s been up to.  You know, the usual crap.  Hanging out at the dog tracks, selling plasma and/or sperm, pawning stuff, getting into arguments with the old lady, driving her to the pawn shop so she can buy back her stuff.  Nothing special, in other words.  But now UFC 98 is nearly upon us, which means it’s time to take a look at the lines and compulsively wager money over the internet.  God, it’s good to be alive some days.

Odds come to us from BestFightOdds.com:

(Props: FightOpinion)

In the above excerpt from the UFC’s next Countdown show (which premieres Thursday at 11 p.m. on Spike TV), we get a closer look at Lyoto Machida‘s crazy father Yoshizo, and the grueling karate training he put his sons through. Am I the only one who wants to see how Yoshizo would do in a Seniors’ MMA league? Maybe throw him in the cage against Frank Mir’s dad…

After the jump: Video of the main event bout between former K-1 heavyweight champ Badr Hari and current K-1 super-heavyweight champ Semmy Schilt at Saturday’s "It’s Showtime 2009" kickboxing event in Amsterdam.

(At least now fighting unarmed people seems easy by comparison. Photo courtesy of ChrisWilsonMMA.com)

UFC welterweight fighter Chris Wilson is, for the most part, a pretty laid back guy.  But even for him it sounds like he’s a little too nonplussed about this home invasion robbery/kidnapping at gunpoint that happened to him recently.  Wilson, who’s lived in Brazil on and off ever since his parents were Baptist missionaries there, was recently in Brazil with his wife and two kids training for his fight with Brock Larson at UFC 98.  Everything was going fine, and then this happened:

Ladies and gentlemen: After two weeks spent collecting your entries for our UFC 98 prize package giveaway, one name has been randomly selected as the big, big winner. And that name is…

Tania Valdez

Wow!!! Aren’t you glad we didn’t stretch that out over an hour-long post? Tania has already been informed of her great fortune, but we still encourage her to gloat about it in the comments section.

Apologies to all the poor bastards who didn’t win. We wish we could hook all of you up with trips to Las Vegas, but then we wouldn’t have any money for our various philanthropic efforts, so…

(Look at it this way, at least there won’t be a big traffic jam trying to get out of here.)

What you see here is Jose Canseco’s attempt at a press conference to discuss the L.A. Dodgers’ Manny Ramirez and his recent suspension for popping positive on a MLB-mandated drug test.  Judging by the number of chairs they put out, it did not get the kind of attendance they hoped for.  But hey, that just means more finger sandwiches for Jose to take home with him.  So why did Canseco, a retired baseball player, call a press conference to talk about a current baseball player’s drug use?  Because he’s a goddamned media whore.  And why are we telling you about it?  Because a) his participation in the upcoming Dream “Super Hulk” tournament has reminded us that he’ll do anything for money and attention, and b) it’s hilarious. 

And that “Super Hulk” tournament, it’s airing live on HDNet.  Thank God for small miracles, am I right?

In other, actual MMA news…

(Props: CageWriter)

Now that UFC 98 is only ten days away, it’s time to bring out the hard-hitting questions, like if Matt Hughes and Matt Serra were neighbors, and they were just regular guys and not fighters, would they get along, and who would win at bowling? That Pulitzer-worthy line of questioning came from ESPN: The Magazine‘s usually-capable Ryan Hockensmith (who maybe forgot that Serra already beat Hughes at bowling during a TUF 6 coaches’ challenge) at a press conference held yesterday, and while the Terror tried to see the humor in it — even suggesting a reality show based on the two Matts as neighbors, which I would totally watch — Hughes can’t be bothered. "Who cares who would win in bowling?" he says. "To be honest, whoever’s gonna win in bowling is whoever is luckier that day." Hockensmith had prepared a follow-up question about go-kart racing, but wisely kept it to himself.

More choice quotes from the press conference are after the jump, courtesy of MMA Mania…

(That’s a very appropriate shirt, considering Lyoto Machida is about to beat you to a Blue Screen of Death. Image courtesy of alvear.com.)

If you have the time and means to enter our UFC 98 prize package giveaway — in which one lucky winner will score airfare to Las Vegas, a hotel stay, a pair of tickets to the event and more — we highly encourage you to do so, as entries are officially closed tonight at 11:59 p.m. PT / 2:59 a.m. ET; more details can be found here. Even at this late hour, your odds are still quite good, so give it a shot and good luck!

(Props: BloodyElbow)

At least DREAM knows that their "Super Hulk Tournament" is a cartoonish freak show. Judging from the comic-book-style promotional clip shown above, they’re taking it about as seriously as we are. I don’t speak Japanese, but I was able to gather the following from context clues:

— Minowaman is a big fan of Kinnikuman, and vice versa.
— Hong Man Choi was relatively normal-sized as a child, but started to look like a Korean Rocky Dennis by the time he was a teenager.
— Jose Canseco is a filthy Communist.
— Jan Nortje is an ex-convict. If I had to guess, I’d say tax evasion.
— Like many Africans, Sokoudjou has the ability to speak to giraffes. His KO of Antonio Rogerio Nogueira at PRIDE 33 was so beautiful it made Harrison Ford cry. (Ford is referred to here as "Indy Jones.")

After the jump: In the latest installment of Matt Serra‘s UFC 98 video blog, Matty does a media day in New York on two hours of sleep; as usual, Ray Longo is dragged along for comic relief. Also, Sean Sherk‘s workout at API is so intense we threw up just watching it.

(Props: BloodyElbow)

Matt Serra gives us even more Long Island flava with this lastest installment of his videoblog, in which the Terror is tapped for a random drug test ("testin’ positive for espresso and marinara sauce"). But before he pisses in a cup, Serra has to make sure his fade looks tight n’ right at his barber shop, where the proprietor predicts an eight-second tapout victory for the hometown boy: "I say we take that awm back to New Yawk widdus." Later, Matt makes some appearances at his jiu-jitsu schools and runs into Pete Sell wearing the same shirt as he is, despite Sell’s efforts to make sure that wouldn’t happen. Finally, Matt explains that the videoblogs don’t show all his training, because Hughes "might have a computer in that barn of his." It’s probably a good thing the cameras are following Serra for this match instead of Hughes; we’re assuming that Serra’s colorful interactions are more entertaining than a week of Bible studies and hog-slopping.

(Did you know that "MMA Fix" from RawVegas.tv is on actual TV in Canada via The Fight Network?  Well you do now.)

UFC president Dana White joined Forrest Griffin and Kenny Florian on an episode of “Dr. Phil” that will air next Thursday, May 14.  They were apparently there to talk to people about good types of MMA and bad types of MMA.  For example, fighting in a sanctioned MMA event after diligent training at a respected gym: good.  Superman-punching your little brother while he watches cartoons: bad (but hilarious).  Dana White will presumably drive this point home by telling them to “knock it off, you fuckers.”  Then Griffin and Florian will break down in tears and admit that all they’ve wanted was Dana’s approval.  Group hug!   

In other news…

(And still…the undisputed king…of the pre-fight mean-mug!)

Here’s some good news for those of you who can’t get enough of Quinton “Rampage” Jackson’s antics: Spike TV may very well agree with you.  Fighters Only is passing along a rumor that Rampage is being seriously considered as a coach for season 10 of “The Ultimate Fighter,” mainly because he was “a big hit with Spike TV executives thanks to his charismatic and extrovert nature.”  Obviously, this is still in the early planning stages, but it does present a couple logistical challenges for season ten, which is set to begin filming around a month or so from now.