(Where the hell do y’all think you’re going?! Please, I’m begging you, if you stick around, I’ll even break out the Techno Viking dance!) 

We can’t wait to see how Dana White tries to spin this one.

The numbers were just released for all of last weekend’s UFC events. The good news: The main FX card did pretty well and the fourth episode of The Ultimate Fighter hit a seasonal high in terms of viewership (take that with a grain of salt). The bad news: The FUEL prelims were caught by less people than the 2012 Scripps National Spelling Bee prelims on ESPN 3. Probably.

You see, last Friday’s FUEL prelims only managed to draw in 44,000 viewers, absolutely shattering the promotion’s previous FUEL prelim low of 84,000 for UFC on FX 3. If these kind of numbers do not improve, the UFC won’t have to worry about emerging victorious from a ratings war with the WWE because they will be too busy trying to compete with the Punkin Chunkin people. We expect DW to start lobbing insults at “those four-eyed f*cking scumbag f*cks on the Lience Channel” any day now.

(Having recently established himself as the alpha male, the Bigfoot eagerly races off into the jungles of Brazil to copulate with the herd’s last remaining female.)

We may be a few days removed from UFC on FX 5, but that doesn’t mean that the future has already been determined for the night’s biggest winners. Joe Silva and Sean Shelby may be the best in the biz, but even they could probably use a bit of matchmaking advice — or at least a backup plan– considering that half of the fights they book in the aftermath of this event will be cancelled due to injury, arrest, or a classic case of bitch wife. This is where the Armchair Matchmaker comes in, for what are sports without over analysis, needless speculation, and a headscratching appearance from Liam Neeson? By the end of this article, you will have witnessed at least one of these.

Here we go.

Antonio Silva: You might chalk this up to laziness, but pairing the rebounding “Bigfoot” against Stefan Struve seems like an awesome idea to us. We know Stefan called out Fabricio Werdum following his big win over Stipe Miocic at UFC on FUEL 5, but we think this matchup makes just as much sense, if not more. Both men have recently reestablished themselves at legitimate threats and Werdum 2.0 (you know, the one that can do this to people on the feet) seems like he would put on a clinic against either man. It would be a stretch to declare that either Struve or Silva are exactly title-worthy material yet, so let these two big men slug it out and give the winner a top contender. It’s a classic battle of Chin vs. Lankiness – Jay Leno vs. Conan O’Brien in an MMA ring, if you will — and would surely deliver an exciting finish inside the distance.

(Photo via MMA Weekly)

As you know, Dennis Hallman was cut from the UFC after missing weight for Friday’s UFC on FX 5 event. He missed weight by, like, a lot, but still received his show and win money from the UFC.

Quite interesting because the UFC don’t play like that with fighters repeatedly missing weight as Hallman has. Perhaps, we wondered, Hallman had some extenuating circumstances that contributed to his messing up and the UFC was doing what it could to be understanding.

According to the fighter, that’s exactly what happen.

In an interview with former UFC title challenger, television personality and no stranger to personal problems himself, Frank Trigg, Hallman says that he went through a psychological meltdown while cutting weight last week. The lightweight veteran says he’s currently going through an ugly custody dispute with his wife, who he claims is addicted to drugs.

Though he wasn’t in a healthy state to fight, Hallman says that he tried to make weight and fight to get money to cover legal costs to try and get custody of his daughter from his wife. Apparently Hallman was told by the UFC to move down to smaller promotions, make weight and pick up a few wins and then he would be brought back.

We don’t have a punch line for this. Whatever is going with Hallman and his family, its clearly sad and taking a toll on those involved.

We’re glad he got show and win money and we wish he and his family all the best.

Hallman’s video interview with Trigg after the jump.

We love Pat Barry and we’ve never been too shy to admit it. He fights hard in the ring and is hilarious outside of it.

Barry is the type of guy that takes his job deadly serious but not himself. So when someone as self effacing as Barry tweeted Friday night that he confronted a disrespectful fan in the Minnesota arena hosting the UFC on FX 5, we figured he had good reason to.

In the above video Barry gives his account of what, exactly, happened when a fan booed incessantly and lobbed loud insults at the competitors in the Octagon. We’ll let him do the talking but as a quick teaser – it involved several public admonisments from Barry, a bath room confrontation and at least one standing ovation from the near by spectators for “HD.”

The video is pretty sweet (other than Barry insisting on doing yet another of these vlogs shirtless and from an awkward angle, of course) so check it out. And before you ask, yes, this writer does approve of Barry calling “fans” like the one he described as “roaches.”

Video highlights of Barry kicking ass physically after the jump.

(The leg injury didn’t help, but did you really think Browne’s two tiny hand tattoos stood a chance against Silva big foot ink?)

Well, that was anticlimactic. In many ways, the main event of UFC on FX 5 encapsulated the rest of the card – fun at times but, in some part due to forces beyond its control, not something that lived up to its potential. Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva was able to stop a game Travis Browne after the latter suffered a debilitating leg injury in the first round.

Browne found success with his offense when the round began, but somewhere over the course of the fight, his hamstring popped. Ouch.

Even typing that felt painful. And evidently, it was just as painful and incapacitating as you would think it is. Browne almost collapsed simply from throwing a punch at one point. Eventually,Bigfoot took advantage by rushing in, cornering Browne against the fence and delivering a mammoth right hand to Browne’s jaw.

The follow up shots sealed Silva’s victory, and most likely saved his job. For Browne and MMA fans alike, however, this was a difficult loss to swallow.

(Travis plans to test Bigfoot’s chin tonight. Unfortunately, Bigfoot’s chin has already been tested by a team of doctors, and nobody can figure out what the hell is wrong with it. / Photo via CombatLifestyle. For more photos from this set, click here.)

Because you can never have enough heavyweight fights on basic cable, the UFC returns to FX this evening for a fun little card at the Target Center in Minneapolis. In the main event, one of the ten seven greatest undefeated fighters in MMA, Travis Browne, looks for his fifth UFC victory against Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva, who has been brutally stopped in his last two appearances. (Just keep repeating to yourself: He beat Fedor. He beat Fedor. He beat Fedor…) Plus: Jay Hieron tries to break his curse against Jake Ellenberger, while John Dodson and Jussier Formiga scrap for a flyweight title shot.

Fresh off his short-notice victory against the UFC 151 pay-per-view, Jim Genia is back again to liveblog tonight’s FX main card. Round-by-round results will be piling up after the jump beginning at 8 p.m. ET. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest, and if you’ve heard any good jokes lately, please share them in the comments section.

(WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE NO REESE’S PIECES?!!)

Well, at least it wasn’t an injury that nearly cost us another fight this time.

Just a few hours ago, MMAJunkie learned that lightweight slugger Jeremy Stephens had been arrested in Minneapolis on an outstanding felony charge and was being held without bail by the Hennepin County Police Department. Although there are no details available as to the specific charges, apparently Stephens was being sought after for an outstanding warrant in another state which was also not named.

But before everyone starts having a panic attack over the fact that two fights from tonight’s card have now suffered last minute cancellations, rest assured that according to both Dana White and Ariel Helwani, Stephens will in fact be fighting against Yves Edwards tonight.

(The ballsiest fighter to ever step foot in the octagon. *rimshot*) 

Well, we called this one.

In his past three fights, longtime MMA veteran Dennis Hallman has made some startling (not to mention amateur) choices to say the least. After losing a bet to his friend that resulted in one of the most horrifying wardrobe malfunctions of all time against Brian Ebersole at UFC 133, Dennis showed up two and a half pounds overweight for his fight against John Makdessi at UFC 140 and was subsequently fined 20% of his purse. Luckily for him, he was able to pick up a win. Unfortunately for him, he apparently took nothing away from the close call, and showed up seven pounds overweight at yesterday’s weigh-ins. His scheduled opponent, Thiago Tavares, basically treated the situation with an “Are you serious, bro?” but was able to strike a deal with Hallman that if he could get down to only 3 pounds over the limit, the fight would be on.

Hallman was allegedly able to do so, but Tavares then asked him to cut an additional pound, at which point Hallman asked to be removed from the card and became the most recent UFC fighter to join the unemployment line.

For the past several UFC events, CagePotato reader/contributor Dan “Get Off Me” George has been holding down the Gambling Addiction Enabler’s with the poise and classiness of a 16th century Bolognese swordsman. Unfortunately for you, he only likes to bet on the big time PPV events, so you’re stuck with me for the time being. Fortunately for you, I write a lot less than he does and love to get reckless with my hard earned cash, so let’s do this! Listed below are the odds for UFC on FX: Browne vs. Bigfoot, courtesy of BestFightOdds, followed by my advice which simply put has never been wrong not once ever.

MAIN CARD
Travis Browne (-240) vs. Antonio Silva(+200)
Jake Ellenberger (-360) vs. Jay Hieron (+300)
John Dodson (-200) vs. Jussier Formiga (+170)
Josh Neer (-280) vs. Justin Edwards (+240)

PRELIMINARY CARD 
Yves Edwards (+175) vs. Jeremy Stephens (-225)
Danny Castillo (+130) vs. Michael Johnson (-160)
Dennis Hallman (+190) vs. Thiago Tavares (-250)
Shane Roller (+150) vs. Jacob Volkmann (-180)
Diego Nunes (-180) vs. Bart Palaszewski (+150)
Phil Harris (+230) vs. Darren Uyenoyama (-290)
Marcus LeVesseur (-105) vs. Carlo Prater (-125)
Mike Pierce (-170) vs. Aaron Simpson (+150)

Thoughts…

Travis Browne, Antonio Silva, Jay Hieron, and all of the players in tomorrow night’s UFC on FX: Browne vs. Bigfoot card are set to hit the scales tonight from the Pantages Theatre in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The event will be broadcast live starting at 5 p.m. EST, and wouldn’t you know it, we happen to have TOTALLY EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE of the weigh-ins right here!

OK, so maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but we will be covering all the action, so make sure to swing by at 5 p.m. today for the staredowns and 8 p.m. tomorrow for all our liveblog coverage of UFC on FX 5.

(Reason #6: To get your lady in the mood, obviously.) 

Keeping in line with last weekend’s UFC on FUEL 5 event, the UFC is casually dropping off another heavyweight sure-to-be-slugfest in our laps with this Friday’s UFC on FX: Browne vs. Bigfoot card, which, while not as stacked as the Nottingham affair, does provide plenty of reasons to tune in to a channel that half the country actually has. Plus, it goes down in the state who once had the balls to elect this man Governor, so even if the fights somehow end up sucking, there’s a good chance that the crowd will make up for it in the stands. Opal’s Glamorama, motherfuckers!

Let’s get started.

#1 – Fists Will Fly, Titans Will Fall

Yeah, we know it sounds cheesy, but there is simply no better way to describe the likelihood of extreme violence that Friday’s main event will bring. Antonio Silva has served little more purpose than a 265-pound punching back in his last two performances, dropping brutal losses to Daniel Cormier and Cain Velasquez under the Strikeforce and UFC banners. We’re not sure how a chin straight out of Tango and Cash is somehow being questioned, but needless to say, “Bigfoot” is probably going to be looking to utilize his BJJ background and devastating ground and pound to secure a victory against an undefeated KO artist like “Hapa.” The question is, will he be able to take it to the ground? Browne is no slouch on the mat, and has picked up nine of his thirteen victories in the first round, including five in the first minute(!!!!), so Silva better look for the takedown early if he values life on the outside of Dr. Moreau’s island.

(Just remember, Jay — no matter how many setbacks you suffer in life, there are still people who are much, much worse off than you are.)

By Andreas Hale

Last month, Jay Hieron (23-5 MMA, 0-2 UFC) was days away from making his return to the UFC for the first time in seven years when the proverbial rug was pulled out from under him. The now infamous series of events that resulted in the cancelation of UFC 151 left Heiron and others out in the cold as he was prepared to face Jake Ellenberger in a welterweight showdown that marked his first fight in the Octagon since 2005. But while many of the fighters on the 151 card panicked and wondered when and if they’d get the opportunity to fight again, Hieron took it in stride, patiently waited, and was rescheduled to face Ellenberger at UFC on FX 5: Browne vs. Bigfoot this Friday, October 5.

The Las Vegas-based fighter has been in this situation before. He was supposed to fight on the Affliction: Trilogy card in 2009 that ended up being canned, and a Strikeforce welterweight title shot against Nick Diaz later that year was shuttered after Diaz failed to get licensed by the California State Athletic Commission. It’s like Hieron walked under a ladder and broke a mirror while a black cat crossed his path.

“People were saying that I am cursed,” the Xtreme Couture fighter says with a hearty laugh. “At the end of the day, if there isn’t a twist on it for me then something isn’t right. I’ve learned to embrace all these things that surround the fight game. I’m never surprised.”

So, seriously, what’s a few more weeks when you’ve waited seven long years since your last UFC fight?

Pictured: Their approximate reactions to finding out “garbage-ass” was a real phrase.

One week ago, Ben published an article voicing concerns over how weak UFC 151′s main card was. But it was cool, because Jon Jones vs. Dan Henderson was going to be such an awesome fight. Two days ago, Jones vs. Henderson was scrapped and UFC 151 was canceled. [Ed. note: Damn, two days? Feels like we've been covering this forever.] Even though most of us acknowledged that the cancellation of the event was at least partially due to the garbage-assness of pretty much the entire card, we were too busy talking about Jon Jones ducking Chael Sonnen/Sonnen attempting to troll his way into an immediate title shot (depending on which side of the fence you’re on) to really delve into the issue. But now that the UFC has started to transplant the canceled UFC 151 fights to other cards, it’s time to take a closer look at that issue for a moment.

The bouts from UFC 151 are quickly being rescheduled for different cards, with UFC on FX 5 taking a significant chunk of them. As we covered in yesterday’s link dump, UFC 151′s planned co-main event, Jake Ellenberger vs. Jay Hieron, will now be the co-main event of UFC On FX 5. This won’t be the only fight from UFC 151′s main card that will now be padding UFC on FX 5 – Dennis Hallman vs. Thiago Tavares, Danny Castillo vs. Michael Johnson and Shane Roller vs. Jacob Volkmann will be moved to this card as well. UFC on Fuel TV 6 will now be featuring fights between bantamweights Takeya Mizugaki and Jeff Hougland and flyweights John Lineker and Yasuhiro Urushitani, while Kyle Noke and Charlie Brenneman will do the man dance on the undercard of UFC 152.

In case you haven’t noticed, it’s worth mentioning that absolutely none of these fights – three of which were on the pay-per-view portion of UFC 151, mind you – have made it to the main card of an upcoming pay-per-view. Now I understand that financially, most fighters who were expecting a paycheck on September 1 simply can’t afford to wait until November’s UFC 154 to fight again. But that’s not the issue: The issue is that the UFC could afford to move pay-per-view quality fights *makes this hand gesture* to free television in the first place.

(“Now, Demian! Use the muscle-spasm death touch that I taught you!”)

Demian Maia‘s welterweight debut at UFC 148 was over before it really began, thanks to a poorly timed muscle spasm suffered by Dong Hyun Kim. But the former middleweight title contender will be getting another chance to make an impression against Rick Story. Their bout is scheduled to take place at UFC 153 (October 13th, Rio de Janeiro), a card that is quickly stacking up with top Brazilian talent. Story recently outpointed newcomer Brock Jardine at UFC on FX: Maynard vs. Guida, which snapped a two-fight losing streak against Charlie Brenneman and Martin Kampmann.

Speaking of Brenneman, “The Spaniard” has booked his return fight after being choked out by Erick Silva in June. He’ll be appearing at UFC 151: Jones vs. Henderson (September 1st, Las Vegas) against TUF 11 competitor — and former Crocodile Hunter bodyguard — Kyle Noke, who is coming off of two losses at middleweight and will be making his welterweight debut.

In other booking news…

(“NOOOOOOOOOO! What part of ‘rebound opponent’ do you morons not understand?”)

After having his fight against Ben Rothwell yanked out from underneath him, undefeated heavyweight Travis Browne has found himself in an even better situation. The UFC has confirmed that Browne will now be headlining UFC on FX 5 (October 5th; Target Center, Minneapolis) against Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva. Browne is coming off his destruction of Chad Griggs at UFC 145, and is currently nursing an ice-cream hangover.

Silva was absolutely dominated in his last two cage appearances, suffering a first-round TKO against Daniel Cormier in Strikeforce before being torn to shreds by Cain Velasquez in his Octagon debut at UFC 146. The Brazilian will certainly be a sizable underdog coming into the bout, but anything could happen right? (Answer: LOL, no.)

Not trying to bust balls here, but if the main event of this card features a guy on a two-fight losing streak, we’re probably not going to be looking at a massively stacked card; at least Struve and Miocic have both won their last three fights in the UFC. Currently, the only other fight booked for UFC on FX 5 is a featherweight tilt between Bart Palaszewski and Diego Nunes.