(Despite what your grandmother thinks, Twitter is not a euphemism and does not warrant a squirt of Dawn in your mouth.)

By Jason Moles

Back in 2010, the brain trust at CagePotato HQ compiled a list of the 25 most essential MMA Twitter feeds to follow. Boy, do we sure know how to pick ‘em. Miguel Torres, Kimbo Slice, Mayhem Miller, Reed Harris, Shane Carwin, and Strikeforce have all since faded out of relevance or gone off the deep end. Wait, Reed does what now? Are you sure? Nevermind — we’re back with an updated list of who you should really be following on Twitter, and this time we’ve actually put some thought into it instead of blindly tossing darts at our screen while simultaneously using a Shakeweight. Please note, this is 2013 and if you don’t already know you should be following Dana White, Arianny Celeste, or Ariel Helwani, you’re probably the reason Jon Jones is defending his title against Chael Sonnen this Saturday at UFC 159. Speaking of the gangster from West Linn…

twitter.com/sonnench

Bio: “Godfather of integrity; dual masters in dominance and modesty; once outboxed Hemingway; & author of this year’s bestseller, available NOW on Amazon”

If you thought Sonnen refused to break kayfabe only when the cameras were rolling, you must not have been paying attention because his gimmick is boundless. The People’s Champion maximizes his 140-character limit with every emasculating jab at his opponents, peers, and detractors in the MMA media. The American Gangster is the only man on Twitter to follow absolutely no one, not even his own mother.

Sample Tweet: “15 – the number of letters in the word hydropneumatics as well as Chael beats Jones. #UFC159 #4/27/13″

Before we even get into the awesome that is UFC Tonight’s recent “Fighter Trivia” episode, I just want to put it out there that I will beat any of you in any game show trivia challenge. Any of you. When I was in college, the only channel my RCA 630TS television received was The Game Show Network. Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, Family Feud, Double Dare, right down to the early pioneers of Press Your Luck, Match Game, Pyramid, and The Price is Right were at my disposal on a near 24/7 basis. When I wasn’t browned out in an alleyway looking for a jar of marmalade and bus ticket to Santa Fe, you could assume I was getting my trivia knowledge on with Brawlin’ Bob and the gang.

So you can imagine my excitement when I came across this gem of an idea Fuel TV devoted an episode of UFC Tonight to, with Ariel Helwani playing the proverbial Bob Eubanks role. The premise is simple, a group of fighters are subjected to what I assume is five rounds of trivia (there aren’t videos of all 5 rounds to confirm/deny this) covering everything from their knowledge of The Ultimate Fighter to that of pop culture. They are paired up for certain rounds, but mostly are forced to go on their own until one man is declared the winner.

For the inaugural segment, Michael Bisping, Rashad Evans, Dominick Cruz, and Kenny Florian were chosen as participants. Spoiler alert: Cruz doesn’t know sh*t about sh*t, and Bisping knows more about Dora the Explorer than we would have ever imagined.

After the jump: Two snippets from the show in which Florian forgets that Bisping and Evans fought at UFC 78 (along with the rest of the world) and Cruz fails to identify Bruce Springsteen by his nickname. Unforgivable, Dom.

Another Tuesday night has come and gone which means Fuel TV was the destination of choice for most MMA fans. At least it probably was, if A.) you are lucky enough to have the channel and B.) weren’t too busy watching Tosh.O or Sons of Anarchy. Now that I think of it, I’m guessing a total of four of you actually watched last night. Not to worry, Potato Nation taters you guys, we watched UFC Tonight and UFC Ultimate Insider for you and laboriously jotted down all the juicy news and rumors for your enjoyment. Here’s what you missed:

Reminder: UFC on Fuel 5 starts at 4pm ET this Saturday. Plan your weekend accordingly.

Speaking of UFC on Fuel 5, one half of the main event Stefan Struve attempts 4.5 submissions per 15 minutes of fighting but has 0% takedown defense. That is not a typo. He has been grounded each of the four times an opponent has attempted to take him to the canvas. I’m no expert, but isn’t that a little troubling? Maybe it’s all just a part of “Skyscraper”‘s master plan considering 16 the BJJ purple belt’s 24 victories come by way of submission. It’s kind of hard to argue with results like that.

(What is it with these guys and the creepy group photos?) 

If you are at all familiar with how Wordpress (the program that powers this site) works, then you know that there is a seemingly limitless number of categories and options to select when drafting up a given post. One of them, titled “Post Type”, provides several pre-selected categories for us to choose from when determining the content and article type of said post. However, when I attempted to select “Injury” for the umpteenth time this morning, Wordpress would simply not allow it. “I’m sorry, Jared, I’m afraid I can’t do that,” it uttered (yes, our Wordpress is self-aware). And before I knew it, my computer sprouted legs, shoved me aside, and walked out of my life forever.

What I’m getting at is, the injury curse of summer 2012 has gotten so frustrating that it is even beginning to affect the non-emotive machines, forcing me to relocate from my two bedroom brownstone to the dismal public library at which I now reside. The floor smells like piss here, and I’m pretty sure a homeless man is masturbating at a computer not ten feet away from me. Either that, or he is a big UFC fan who also just learned that Josh Koscheck has been forced to withdraw from his UFC 151 co-main event matchup with “Jake Ingleburger”, and is taking his disappointment out on his junk. In either case, this is getting hard to watch.

(Hello Quinton, Areva Mookjai here with the Thailand Lady-Boy Observer, I was just wondering if…wow, you go right after it, don’t you?)

We almost feel silly reporting on this, being that there is no way in hell this quarrel will actually be settled in the near future, but just in case you haven’t heard, Quinton Jackson and Chael Sonnen are apparently not a fan of one another, you guys. If you recall, during our thrilling interview with Page a couple of months ago, Jackson stated that he thought Sonnen was “a fool” and was tired of people asking him questions about the former middleweight title challenger on Twitter.

This is where we’d normally say something like, “Time has a way of healing all wounds,” but then of course, we wouldn’t be talking about Rampage Jackson, a man who seemingly has a gripe with everyone and everything from American fans to the UFC to driving down the correct side of a freeway. During a brief interview with MMAElite.net, Jackson aired out his dirty laundry in regards to Sonnen, claiming that he should “leave the UFC because that’s what he said he was going to do if he lost.” Also, “F*ck Chael.” While the former remark could be passed off as a simple criticism, the latter not so much:

Join us after the jump for Chael’s response, which is a doozy. 

(All he needed was a little convincing.) 

It takes one to know one, we guess, because according to UFC Hall of Famer Randy Couture, former UFC Heavyweight Champion and current WWE superstar Brock Lesnar should be inducted into the UFC Hall of Fame. Yes, on last night’s episode of UFC Tonight, Couture sat down alongside Kenny Florian and Todd Harris to answer questions from all around the Twittersphere, because apparently that’s something which happens now. Among the questions asked were, “Do you have any up and comers in [Team Couture] that have a chance to make an impact in the next two years?” Couture was quick to point out Martin Kampmann, but also commended welterweight contender Mike Pyle, who he stated was “one of the most talented guys I’ve had the privilege of training with the last seven years.”

But Couture’s most interesting comment came after he was asked whether or not Lesnar deserved a spot in the UFC Hall of Fame. Considering Lesnar’s brief run in the sport, which totaled just over four years in its entirety, combined with his mediocre 5-3 record, one would not expect that Couture would be quick to jump on the “yes” bandwagon. Then again, Lesnar was able to capture the Heavyweight title by pummeling Couture into masturbatory hammerfist oblivion at UFC 91, so perhaps it made sense for Couture to declare that Lesnar did in fact deserve a spot alongside such names as Chuck Liddell, Royce Gracie, and Matt Hughes. Oh, and let’s not forget Tito Ortiz and B.J. Penn.

Anyway, check out the video after the jump, and let us know what you think of Couture’s assessment in the comments section. Not that we need to remind you, but be sure to be as scathing with your criticisms as humanly possible.

(Props: FuelTV)

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that Chael Sonnen feels sympathy for Alistair Overeem, considering his own history with abnormally high testosterone levels. On last night’s installment of his weekly troll segment for UFC Tonight, Sonnen blasted MMA media for implying that the Reem tested positive for anything illegal:

“Congratulations, MMA media. Right when I think your incompetence cannot get to any higher level, the Alistair Overeem story comes out. From you kids on the interwebs, running your little dot-com’s from the couch in your mother’s basement, to you beneficiaries of Mark Cuban’s tax write-off, you’ve gone and screwed up the Alistair Overeem case beyond all belief. Is it repairable? I doubt it. If I’m a member of the media and someone tells me that Alistair Overeem failed a drug test, the very first thing I’m going to say is: ‘Really? What substance did he test positive for?’ You see, those basic questions are where the wheels begin to fall off the bus to this entire story.

(“Today FUEL TV, tomorrow the world…muahahaha!”)

If you’re like us and you can’t get enough of The Chael Sonnen Show,  you’ll be happy to know that “The Gangster from America” has been added to the line-up of Fuel TV’s new weekly UFC Tonight serial.

Sonnen will have his own segment on the show called Chael’s Corner and if the clip below is any indication, it will consist mainly of “The Real UFC Middleweight Champion” taking potshots at Brazilian fighters.