(Unfortunately for the fan, Tito couldn’t sign the autograph because he couldn’t see how to spell his last name.)

While watching The Ultimate Fighter on Wednesday night, something that caught my eye and made me do a double take was the "Team Punishment" shirt Tito was wearing and how closely it resembled the "Team Ortiz" shirts fighters on his squad were sporting.

I figured they must be made by the same company as a package as part of the show branding. Well it turns out I was wrong.

(Face of a crazy man, or just a Canadian?)

It looks like former UFC fighter Harold Howard’s crazy behavior this past December, that landed him in jail for the next five years wasn’t a totally out of the blue occurrence. The Toronto Star is reporting today that a couple weeks before the incident that saw Howard launch an unprovoked hammer attack on his nephew and sister, whom he had been staying with since October after he was charged with assaulting his wife, he had visited the newspaper’s offices in the hopes that they would expose an X-Files-like plot against him.

From the report:

“On Dec. 9, 2009, Howard showed up at the Toronto Star with a briefcase. He looked like a businessman, but his clothes were worn, and his knuckles were bruised and caked with dried blood. In a hoarse voice, he said there was a plot to ruin his life. He claimed he had been injected with a liquid that hardened his veins and immobilized him. He held out his shaking hands for inspection, his eyes wide in desperation. As he was escorted out of the building, he left nodding to no one but himself. “On to Plan B,” he told an editor before leaving.

Almost two weeks later, residents of a Niagara Falls street were awakened by screams. Howard was attacking his sister and nephew with the claw end of a hammer. His 21-year-old nephew fought back before Howard screeched out of the driveway.”

 
(The Navy was stumped, so they brought in Cyborg Soldier to plan the execution of "UFC: Warzone" in Afghanistan)

It looks like UFCs plans to hold a show for troops stationed in Afghanistan will happen sooner than later — the problem is, nobody will know for sure until days away from the event. According to a story in the Las Vegas Sun, keeping the date a secret is a security measure necessary for the safety of the soldiers and civilians who will be at the event.

UFC president Dana White says that that executing the "secret mission" will be a challenge but he’s looking forward pulling off the operation in spite of the reservations of some of his employees.

"We’re working on it right now. White said. It’s so crazy that they can’t tell us exactly where or when it would happen. The military is going to let us know when we can do it," White explained. "We’re going to chopper in at night. There are a lot of people who are scared. (Announcer Joe Rogan) said, ‘Oh (expletive), we’re going to do what?’ We’re going to fly in, set this thing up as fast as we can and get the (expletive) out of there."

War, UFC and war, Dana White!

(The signs were everywhere, including Jake’s FB and MySpace pages. How did we miss them?)

In an interview with All Headline News today, UFC president Dana White asserted that Strikeforce middleweight champ Jake Shields will be on his way to the Octagon sooner than later. Shields technically has one fight remaining on his SF contract, but it will likely expire before he has the opportunity to fulfill the obligation. White is confident that Shields, who definitely exited the promotion on a high note Saturday night with his dominant win over former PRIDE champion and UFC castaway Dan Henderson, will not be long testing free agent waters.

Although the wheels to add the 31-year-old Californian to the UFC’s stacked welterweight roster are not yet in motion, as soon as Strikeforce exercises its rights to re-sign Shields (something White is confident will likely not happen) he says the UFC will make an offer to the Cesar Gracie black belt.

“Jake Shields is definitely going to leave Strikeforce and he’s definitely coming to the UFC," White told AHN’s Shawn Krest.

(Take it easy, Gray. The bag didn’t know she was your girlfriend.)

by Cage Potato contributor Elias Cepeda

Despite being undefeated, Gray Maynard (10-0) was overlooked earlier this year for a title shot in favor of a man who he had recently beat handily, Frankie Edgar. Now that Edgar has made good and won the UFC lightweight title from BJ Penn, Maynard discusses still wanting a title shot and the possibility that he may get passed over again.

Gray, there was a great case for you deserving the next title shot against BJ Penn, being undefeated and having dominated Frankie Edgar when you fought him in April of 2008. Yet, Edgar got the shot and ended up beating Penn to win the title. How closely were you watching the fight Saturday?

I was kind of checking it out of course. It didn’t really hit me until the calls were coming in and I got a ton of texts that I did really have a chance to go for the belt. Then, of course I got pumped up.

(Nice, playa.)

by Cage Potato contributor Matt Kaplan

Strikeforce middleweight champion Jake Shields is starting to see his April 17 title defense against Dan Henderson for what it is: a win-win. Shields is heading into the last fight of his Strikeforce deal, and if he wins, he not only will have beaten a personal MMA hero, but he also will have UFC president Dana White knocking on his door. And if he loses, well, the UFC will still be knocking. Win or lose, the free agent Shields is getting paid.

In an exclusive Cage Potato interview, Shields spoke about exploring free agency, what he has that Rodrigo “Minotauro” Nogueira does not, “definitely” wanting to fight Georges St-Pierre, and a Strikeforce 170- and 185-pound talent pool that, as far as he is concerned, is all but drained. Oh yeah, and he does not like Frank Shamrock.

Dana White recently claimed that you are being fed to Dan Henderson for the last fight of your contract. He suggested that Strikeforce and/or Showtime might be doing this so that if you lose, they won’t have to pay up for both you and Henderson.

Yeah, I don’t know. I’m not really sure what the motives are. Obviously it’s a really tough fight for the last fight on my contract. It’s not something I really want to push, but it’s a good fight for me as well. It’s a good opportunity to prove myself against a top fighter, so their motives aren’t really that big a deal to me. I’m just trying to go out there and do my thing and win a fight.

Have you and your management begun talks with Strikeforce about a new contract?

(Well, well, well, fuckers. Image courtesy of Time.com.)

This morning, Time launched its 2010 TIME 100 Poll, in which online readers vote on the world’s most influential people of the year. It’s impressive enough that UFC president Dana White was chosen to be among the 201 politicians, entertainers, and assorted cultural leaders that are up for voting. It’s downright bizarre that as of a few minutes ago when I took the above screen-cap, Dana White was sitting on top of the freaking list, three spots above Barack Obama, 18 spots above Stephen Colbert, and 34 spots above Bill Gates. His only real competition at this point is Robert Pattinson, the poof from those vampire movies.

If this is an April Fool’s joke from Time.com, it’s an incredibly subtle and brilliant one. More likely, it’s just another sign that UFC fans are a group that’s both large and quickly mobilized on the Internet, and that Dana White has more nuthuggers that the president of our country. So let’s enjoy this odd little victory while we have it, because once Team Coco and the Colbert Nation get wind of this, it’s going to be a dogfight. To vote for Dana White as the most influential person in the world (!?), click here.

(Don’t be afraid to stare. Roy Nelson is all man and he doesn’t care who knows it. Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

Hope you’ve got your bucket of Bojangles fried chicken and your usual Wednesday night energy drink/prescription allergy medication buzz, because Charlotte is ready to rock for UFC Fight Night 21. Tonight we find out whether Takanori Gomi still has any fireballs left in his arsenal, as well as whether Roy Nelson can find a way inside of Stefan Struve’s reach without having his face turned to mush. Keep it locked right here for live results and commentary, or else spend the rest of your life wondering whether you might have missed the best fat joke ever told.

Follow me after the jump, and remember to hit refresh often.

(‘Well Ronys, I look forward to fighting you and hopefully we can put on a good show for the…I’m sorry, but I just can’t take you seriously with that thing on your head.’ Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

If you want to know the results of the fights on the preliminary portion of the Fight Night 21 card, then proceed after the jump.  If you don’t want to know, then don’t do that.  Pretty straightforward, really.

Whatever you decide, don’t miss our liveblog of the event later on tonight. We promise to share all the little fleeting thoughts that are probably better kept to ourselves.

(Photo courtesy of Combat Lifestyle.)

Well, the first of two weigh-ins for Wednesday night’s UFC Fight Night 21 on Spike TV went off without a hitch.  Now the boys have to worry about weigh-in number two tomorrow morning, where they can’t be more than thirteen pounds heavier than the official weight they clocked in at today. 

It’s an interesting policy to try and ensure that fighters aren’t cutting too much weight, but if they’re re-weighing them again in the morning, whether than right before fight time, you have to wonder whether it will really achieve the desired result.  Also, thirteen pounds seems pretty arbitrary.  For lightweights, it’s a pretty decent amount of leeway, but what if "Big Country" wants to hit the buffet?  Who does North Carolina think they are that they can tell him when to put down the fork?  That’s a decision that is between Roy and God.

Full weigh-in results are after the jump.

(Whaddaya say boys? Once more on the way to the nursing home?)

The rampant speculation train just keeps right on rolling when it comes to Chuck Liddell’s next fight. After persistent rumors that an injury to Tito Ortiz had forced the UFC to change their plans for his first fight after the TUF coaching gig, the newest iteration comes to us via Heavy.com, which claims that Liddell will now be meeting Randy Couture for a fourth time at UFC 116 on July 3. If true, that would put the fight on the same card as the planned meeting between Brock Lesnar and Shane Carwin, which would pretty much guarantee the kind of pay-per-view numbers that would convince Dana White to forego base-jumping and just be shot out of a cannon over the MGM Grand and into the moat at Excalibur.

So, is there any reason to believe that it’s actually going to happen? We have no idea, but with all these rumors flying around it seems less and less likely that the Liddell-Ortiz bout will actually happen as planned. At this rate, we’re expecting to hear the Chuck Liddell vs. James Toney rumor any day now.

(Fitch’s ‘post-decision sneer’ gets better every time. Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

The back-and-forth between Dana White and Jon Fitch at the UFC 111 post-fight presser this weekend was the latest in a string of passive-aggressive attempts by the UFC president to promote a fight between two teammates. By suggesting that Fitch doesn’t really want a title fight badly enough, or by casually mentioning Rashad Evans as a potential future opponent for fellow Jackson camp fighter Jon Jones, White is refusing to let the topic die. Maybe you can’t put a price on friendship, but DW would sure like to find a figure that would make these guys put it on hold for fifteen minutes or so.

And so today we ask the question, is making teammates fight each other in MMA an idea that is awesome or not awesome?

(Props: MMAFighting.com)

No sooner do we get pumped up about Junior Dos Santos’s suggestion that he take on Cain Velasquez in a heavyweight title contender eliminator match than the idea gets shot down from the man at the top. As much as we hate to admit it, Dana White’s reasoning for refusing to make the fight are sound. The UFC knows as well as anyone that injuries, illnesses, and easy movie roles can wreak havoc on the best laid plans, so why take a chance on knocking down an established contender like Velasquez just to give him something to do while he waits for his title shot? It’s sensible, it’s prudent, and it’s somewhat disappointing. Can’t say we didn’t see it coming, though.

So who will Dos Santos get instead while he waits around for the top heavyweights to fight it out? Well, the guy in the crowd who suggested Cheick Kongo is obviously a sick individual who’s trying to get the Frenchman killed, so let’s table that idea right now. Instead, the loser of Shane Carwin-Frank Mir is a very attractive option, or perhaps even Todd Duffee if he posts a win in his next bout.

Or we could get really crazy and match Dos Santos up against the winner of Roy Nelson-Stefan Struve, meaning we either get a rematch between the Dutch beanpole and the guy who gave him a rude welcome to the UFC, or we get “Big Country” vs. “Big Scary Brazilian.” What, too crazy for you guys?

(Video courtesy of Fight Magazine)

Yep, that’s what he said alright.  Right there at the 1:48 mark:

"I’m one of the most dangerous people in the world.  I’m a 280-pound guy who’s been training in martial arts since he was four years old, I don’t go anywhere without a gun and a knife, but I do that for my own self-protection.  I do that because I’m a martial artist and I enjoy being able to protect those who are not able to protect themselves."

Basically what I’m hearing is that Frank Mir is a vigilante, ready to fight the forces of evil that would seek to prey upon the weak journalists of the world.  You know, forces of evil like Brock Lesnar.  I don’t know whether to be creeped out or reassured.  Maybe a little of both.  I do have to wonder though, if he’s got that gun on him all the time, why also carry a knife around?  Is that just in case he encounters a ninety-pound weakling who’s being bullied by a package he can’t get open?

(Sorry, Duane. Looks like a pre-existing condition to me.)

Now that we’ve all seen this horrific picture of Duane “Bang” Ludwig’s ankle doing something it is not made to do during his fight with Darren Elkins at the UFC on Versus event, let’s all take a second to say, ‘Daaaaaamn!’ After that we can dry heave a little and move on to the actual reason why we’re revisiting this moment of forced empathy. According to MMA Weekly (and common sense), Ludwig is going to be out of action a little while. As you might have already guessed, that thing is going to require surgery, at which point doctors will reportedly put three pins in that mangled ankle, removing one once it’s suitably healed up, and leaving the other two in there permanently to act as embedded foreign objects with which to pummel future opponents.

The weird thing is, he’s projected to return in as little as six months, though Ludwig insists he’ll “be back before everybody expects.”

Let us be the first to say, take your time, Duane. This isn’t Texas high school football. No one is going to think you’re a pussy if you don’t tape it up and jump right back in there. We admire your fierce determination, but until you can stand to hear the sound of someone snapping a celery stick in half without flinching, you don’t want to be jumping back in that Octagon.  Let’s not forget the cautionary tale of Jose "Pele" Landi-Jons.

(Anthony Johnson mugs for the camera, seemingly unaware that he’s about to lose the last member of his entourage to a sausage that has fallen on the ground.)

You didn’t think Anthony Johnson was just going to let his hated rival, John Howard, enjoy a sweet knockout victory at ‘UFC Live’ on Sunday, did you? Naw, playa. The first rule of an MMA rivalry is that you find a way to denigrate any and all of the other guy’s accomplishments. The second rule? See if you can’t find some clever way to mock his nickname. “Rumble” has at least one of those bases covered in a recent talk with FightHype.com, where he managed to make Howard’s brain-rattling knockout of Daniel Roberts seem like a narrow escape:

"Howard ain’t got no stand-up at all. He’s lucky Roberts wasn’t stronger or he probably would have gotten submitted. …Howard is soft; he doesn’t belong in the UFC. I will be glad to show him this if he’s my next opponent. But congratulations on your win. If you fight me like that, you won’t survive. You better work on that stand-up buddy!"

(Something about landing a knee to the body of a downed opponent only whets Kongo’s appetite for some shots to the head. Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

When it comes to highlighting some of MMA’s officiating gray areas, last night’s Cheick Kongo-Paul Buentello bout at ‘UFC Live’ was a fight that very nearly had it all. From minor infractions like grabbing the fence or hitting the back of the head, to big ones like illegal knees and impromptu injury timeouts, it was a showcase of things that need to change – or at least be clarified – in the MMA rulebook. Let’s take it one issue at a time, shall we?

(If you’d like to follow along and don’t have this bad boy DVR’d, you might try looking here.)

Round 1, 3:37: Buentello gets a little help from the fence

Yeah, it’s minor, but it’s illegal. In attempting to get up from a takedown, Buentello grips the fence and pulls himself up. This earns him a verbal warning from referee Herb Dean, but it serves its purpose. He’s off his butt and en route to standing up. Just goes to show you that sometimes a fence grab will cost you a point, and other times it just gets you admonished by the ref. Same with grabbing the shorts, which also happens several times throughout this fight.

Round 1, 1:48: Buentello has a finger problem

(The upside is, now Vera’s sure to get that role as Sloth in the "Goonies" remake. Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

That sickening, dead meat smacking sound you heard when Jon Jones landed his fight-ending elbow strike on Brandon Vera last night? That was the sound of Vera’s face being rearranged. The word is that Vera suffered three broken bones in his face last night, and the injuries are severe enough that he was reportedly prevented from boarding a plane to go home.

That might not have been a big deal if the fight had been in Las Vegas. He could always pass the time by buying himself a cold one and walking down to see the pirate battle outside of Treasure Island, or else wander around the M&M’s store with all the senile old ladies from Wisconsin. Not a bad way to waste time while you wait for your face to regain its structural integrity, really.

But damn, you’re telling me Vera is stuck in Broomfield, Colorado? Not only did he lose the fight and get his face smashed, but he also has to sit around his hotel room watching an endless stream of shows about Nazis on the History Channel, while sending his cornermen down the hall for ice every ten minutes? That, my friends, is a special little slice of hell.

(Don’t fear Cheick Kongo’s patented elbow-to-hip attack. Fear the career consequences of tapping out to it. Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

After a bizarre night of injuries, illegal blows, and confusing stoppages, we sort through the raw data to arrive at a number we made up out of nowhere in order to assess who’s up, who’s down, and by how much after the UFC’s first event on Versus.

Jon Jones +86
We were expecting more of a stand-up battle, but as long as you can take the guy down so easily, why risk it? The win was impressive, and yet expected. For his next act, he’s got to face a top contender.

Brandon Vera -82
When the most significant blow you land in a fight is an illegal one, you know it was a bad night. Going home with a lump the size of a golf ball on your eye probably doesn’t cheer you up any, especially when you just lost your third fight in the last five outings. At this stage in his career, “The Truth” is no longer a friend to Vera.

(Don’t do it, Paul! Think of all the impressionable German children! Photo courtesy of Fight Magazine.)

Those wacky Germans are at it again, Potato Nation. It wasn’t enough that the UFC had to put up with all manor of ill-informed, reactionary nonsense when they held their first event in Germany last summer. Oh, no. Now they’ve been banned from German TV for the “unacceptable” level of violence in their broadcasts. Since the UFC has been broadcasting on German sports television channel DSF for roughly a year, it seems odd that they’d be banned only now, especially when their programming is completely unchanged. That’s pretty much the exact position of UFC UK president Marshall Zelaznik, who told Sherdog.com:

“The Bavarian state office for new media has approved UFC programming on DSF twice on separate occasions in the past,” said Zelaznik. “That is why we deem the sudden ban unusual as the content of our programming has not changed. We have also had a commission for youth protection in the media review the situation and they deemed the broadcast legal if televised after 11 p.m.”

So what’s Germany’s problem with MMA, you ask? Well, aside from a vague belief that it will somehow damage the minds of their youth, they also seem really hung up on the whole ‘hitting a man when he’s down’ thing. In its statement explaining the UFC ban, the BLM (which, in German, apparently stands for Bavarian state office for new media) cited certain “breach of taboos” such as “punching a downed opponent.” Also, remember that article from Der Spiegel describing the Brock Lesnar-Randy Couture bout:

(Well done, Nick the Face. If in fact that is your real name.)

The UFC sent out an email this afternoon pumping up the match-up between “bitter rivals” (sound familiar?) Rashad Evans and “Rampage” Jackson for UFC 114 on May 29. All we can say is, it’s about damn time. Their coaching stints on “The Ultimate Fighter” initially got us hyped for this bout, but then almost immediately we had to get unhyped as ‘Page ran off to make movies/announce his retirement instead of delivering on the “black-on-black crime” he promised us.

Now that it’s on again, we must begin the slow, arduous process of rehyping ourselves. This highlight video helps a little, but how about throwing down with some incendiary quotes to push us over the edge, UFC press release?

(Daniel Roberts grappling highlight reel. Props: YouTube.com/ninjaroberts)

Three hungry up-and-comers will be making their Octagon debuts this Sunday, filling some gaps on the "Vera vs. Jones" preliminary card. But who will explode on the scene, and who will blow the biggest opportunity of their careers like total losers? Read on and get acquainted with…

DANIEL "Ninja" ROBERTS (WW)
Experience: 9-0 record (7 wins by submission), mostly in Oklahoma-based promotions. Most recently scored a submission-via-punches over MMA old-schooler Anthony Macias in January.
Will be fighting: John Howard (13-4, 3-0 UFC)
Lowdown: Roberts is filling in for Anthony Johnson, who dropped off the card last month with an injury. He comes from an amateur wrestling background, and as you can see in the video above, his grappling is ferocious. Roberts currently trains at the Cesar Gracie camp with Strikeforce champions Nick Diaz, Jake Shields, and Gilbert Melendez. He’s thrilled to be fighting John Howard: “I have to say that if I were to pick my opponent for the UFC, it probably would be him. Not to say that he’s a bad guy or an easy win — the fact that he’s 3-0 in the UFC is actually a good thing. I checked him out, I saw what he has, and I definitely feel like my grappling is way ahead of his…if he can last through the first and second round, then he’s pretty tough, because I plan on giving it everything I’ve got…I know a lot of people like to stand up and bang, but I think I’m gonna win a lot of fans over with my grappling. I move really well on the ground and there are not a lot of people that can move like me."

(This is why B.J Penn still wakes up some nights in a terror, convinced that he’s covered in Vaseline and his own blood.)

Whether we want to admit it or not, excuses are as much a part of mixed martial arts as Tapout tees and fist-pose photographs. They have to be. In a world where you must talk yourself into believing that you’re either the baddest man in your weight class or else on your way to becoming it, a loss is something you have to find some way to reconcile, or else have your identity destroyed. That other dude couldn’t have won just because he was the better fighter. No, surely there’s a reason for this temporary setback, and chances are it’s very detailed and probably a little bit ridiculous.

In honor of the post-defeat excuse in MMA, we give you ten of the worst and weirdest attempts to explain away an ass-kicking. They aren’t necessarily untrue (though some are demonstrably untrue), but neither can they turn that L into a W. The best you can hope for is that they make sleeping at night just a little easier for the people who uttered them.

10. Mark Coleman couldn’t afford a proper training camp

(Don’t forget those elbows to the back of the head, either.)

(Did anyone else just get a great idea for a buddy cop movie?)

Do you know what today is? Well, yeah, it’s St. Patrick’s Day, which means that for at least one evening you can puke on the sidewalk outside of your favorite bar without people judging you, but aside from that. Today is a brand new day from yesterday. That means it only makes sense that we get a new Tito Ortiz rumor to force us back to that inevitable question: why do we have to keep talking about this guy?

The newest report comes from Five Ounces of Pain, and it claims that “multiple herniations in the neck” forced Ortiz off “The Ultimate Fighter” and out of his fight with opposing TUF 11 coach Chuck Liddell. Sound familiar?

(Step one in preparing for a fight with Jon Jones? Spinning elbow defense. Step two? Hiring a gypsy to put a hex on him before fight night.)

For the past six weeks Jon Jones has been at Greg Jackson’s gym in New Mexico, getting ready for a main event showdown with Brandon Vera on the UFC’s first Versus event this weekend. Despite Vera’s edge in Octagon experience, Jones is better than a 2-1 favorite in this fight, but he says he knows that the fans are a fickle lot, and he needs to show what he can do against the elder opponent who swears he’s on the verge of getting back to his old destructive self again. We sat down with Jones recently to get his thoughts on Vera’s renewed sense of purpose, the lingering effects of his disqualification loss to Matt Hamill, and more.

Clay Guida told us in a recent interview that he’s not using his plane ticket to get to Denver for the fight on Sunday and is going to drive his RV instead, and stay in it instead of his free hotel room. You guys are both at Greg Jackson’s in Albuquerque right now. Are you going to ride up in that beast with him?

Yeah, I’m going to go with him. I haven’t been inside [the RV] yet, but I hear it’s like the ultimate bachelor pad, like there’s video games and everything. It’s supposed to be pretty sweet. I’m going to use my hotel when I get there, don’t get me wrong, but I’m looking forward to driving up with Clay. We’ve been doing everything together. We’ve been eating together, training together – not directly with each other, since we’re in different weight classes – but we do our conditioning together. It’s been great.

(Don’t worry, buddy. We’ll pick you up a pair of oversized sunglasses at the gas station on our way to the after-party, and no one will even notice that thing.)

In the past few years James Irvin has had about as difficult a time as you can experience while still being employed and above ground. His string of untimely injuries and unfortunate mishaps earned him the title of ‘Most Cursed Fighter in MMA History,’ and the last time he was actually healthy enough to limp into the cage he took a beatdown from Anderson Silva and then got suspended for using prescription painkillers. He’s the kind of guy you don’t want to walk down the street with because chances are good that a piano might fall on his head and you’ll end up getting hit with the resulting splinter shrapnel.

But in an interview with Heavy.com on the verge of his return to action at ‘UFC on Versus’ this weekend, Irvin offers a sober assessment of his career and abilities that is so honest and forthright that we don’t know whether to be impressed or really bummed out.

(You may have been listening to us, Brandon. But you certainly weren’t *hearing* us.)

I swear you guys, sometimes it almost seems like these fighters are not constantly checking our site for updates and then living according to what we say like it’s the freaking gospel. Just a little over two weeks ago we enacted one of our irrevocable Cage Potato Bans on the practice of promising to bring back your old self. We’d had more than we could stand of guys vowing that this next fight, this was when we’d once again see that bright-eyed young ass-kicker we’d once known. It struck us as a cloying and empty gesture, and so we banished it from the land forever.

But wouldn’t you know it? Here comes Brandon Vera, wantonly flouting our edict like it meant absolutely nothing to him. As he told MMA Weekly:

"I stopped believing in the hype, I stopped worrying about what people think. I’m going back in there just trying to hurt people again like I used to," Vera said. "When I first came out, I would just bang on people and roll with people just to see them break. I got away from that somehow. I don’t know what happened. I got sucked into the MMA world of trying not to disappoint people. I’m over it, I want to go back in there and start doing things like I used to."

Damn these Raw Vegas jokers, they make you sit through more than seven minutes of video before they finally get to the good stuff.  Fortunately, the payoff in this particular video comes in the form of Frank Mir giving his approval to the popular ‘Lesnar is to Mir as Moby Dick is to Captain Ahab’ analogy on the grounds that Brock Lesnar is big, white, and a dick.  Get it?  Like the book that you totally didn’t read but have learned about purely from pop culture references? 

Well, take our word for it that it’s actually a pretty sweet little burn by Mir, who insists that his Lesnar death threats were just a savvy way of keeping his name in the news.  Do we believe that?  Maybe not, but none of that is going to matter unless he can get past Shane Carwin.

I don’t know what made me think that getting the UFC contract he asked for would make James Toney stop with the YouTube videos. I guess I mistakenly assumed that they were simply a means to an end, which is clearly not the case. This is just something Toney does. He makes videos and calls people out. When it works and he gets what he wants, he must necessarily find something/someone else to call out, and thus the whole drama renews itself.

But I don’t really want to talk about that, nor do I want to talk about why Toney might have decided that it’s in his best interest to focus on Kimbo Slice and not any of the other UFC fighters who might be more eager to welcome him to the Octagon. No, instead I think we should talk about the guy in the glasses standing just behind Toney. That guy, ladies and gentleman, is what a real hype-man looks like.

(‘Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd got nothing on us, baby.’)

Sometimes you have to stop and wonder how people ever dealt with hardship before the invention of Twitter. Before the age when one could broadcast one’s own personal tragedies in 140 characters or less, how did we ever get along? I mean, say you’re a woman who recently went through a miscarriage, as Jenna Jameson claimed on her Twitter account recently. What are you supposed to do with that pain, keep it to yourself? Only share it with close friends and family members? Some life that would be. Your 97,000 followers on Twitter absolutely need to know about this, just like they need to know about the really bad flu your famous pro fighter boyfriend is suffering from, and about your desire to be in an all-girl rock band.

And see, that’s just a couple of days in the Twitter life of Tito and Jenna. A few weeks ago Ortiz raised eyebrows with cryptic messages about how difficult his life had become, prompting all manner of speculation about his health and general well being. Now he tweets that he’s suffering from “the worst ful I have every had [sic]. More IV’s please.”