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21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

Tag: Ultimate Fighting

Zuffa Threatens UbiSoft, Software Company Taps Out

The game in the video above is Fighters Uncaged, a fighting game for the XboX 360 that utilizes the XBoX Kinect motion control system to turn the game player into the game controller. The on-screen character replicates the movements that the player makes in his living room, and virtual beatdowns ensue. That’s the concept, at least. In reality, the game has been beaten up so bad by critics that Dana White wanted to fire it.

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Ben vs. Ben: Elite XC ‘Heat’ Edition

Kimbo knockout
(Different crumpled body, same end result on Saturday night?)

It’s Friday, there’s an event tomorrow (which we’ll be liveblogging, of course), and questions abound as to Elite XC’s long term viability and Ken Shamrock’s short term punchability, so that means one thing…it’s Ben vs. Ben time. In this edition, we talk Kimbo Slice, underdogs, co-promotions, and other stuff. We argue, we call each other names, we reconcile, we hug (just playin’, we don’t hug…anyone…ever), and in the end we arrive at few, if any, conclusions. But it’s about the journey, man. Not the destination. So without further ado…

Assuming we agree that Kimbo Slice will be victorious over Ken Shamrock, how and when will it happen? What’s next for Ferg?

Fowlkes: If this were five years ago I’d take Shamrock over this strange Kimbo character and I wouldn’t think twice about it. But it’s not five years ago, alas, so Shamrock is in for yet another disappointing performance in a career that has seen too many of them lately.

In his more lucid moments, Shamrock knows he needs to get this to the ground in a hurry. He should also know that his forty-four-year-old legs don’t have too many explosive shots left in them, so he has to be smart and make his takedown attempts count. That’s why he’ll try and trap Kimbo against the cage in a clinch and look for a throw or leg sweep – something that won’t sap too much precious energy. Kimbo will circle away from him and tee off. Shamrock will try again with similar results, but eventually a punch will clip him and he’ll go down. Then the ref will step in and Shamrock will be protesting the stoppage before he’s even back on his feet. It won’t get out of the first round or even past the four-minute mark. Thank you, Florida, and good night.

This fight will prove nothing for Kimbo’s credibility. Even Elite XC has to see that. After this they’ll load up for one big pay-per-view with Kimbo vs. Brett Rogers as the main event, figuring it’s time to go all-in. They have no choice. Antonio Silva is dealing with his steroid charges, Justin Eilers is damaged goods, and Sean Gannon wants too much money. Rogers is the only guy people will pay to see Kimbo fight. If Elite XC is smart they’ll realize they can leverage Kimbo’s stardom into a big push for Rogers, who might actually have the skills to justify the hype in the long run.

Goldstein: Dude, Ken hasn’t made it to the four-minute mark in a fight since 2002, and he’s not about to start now. I’m going to bring your estimate down 90 seconds and say The Miami Pound Machine finishes The World’s Most Glassiest Chin within the first 2:30. It’ll start with Kimbo knocking Shamrock down after about a minute-and-a-half. (No more than one shot will be attempted by Ken during that time.) The ref won’t stop it right away. Kimbo will get on top of Shamrock and punch him out on the ground. People will say “wooooo!” And the broadcast will immediately end because they’ll already be over their timeslot by like a half-hour.

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Is MMA Having the Best Week Ever?

There’s been a rash of MMA coverage in traditional media recently, and while it’s not always favorable — or respectful, or accurate in any way — every little bit helps, right? Here’s some of what unsuspecting non-fans have been exposed to as of late…

— Last night’s episode of Lewis Black’s Root of All Evil on Comedy Central focused on “Ultimate Fighting” vs. blogging, with comedians Andy Daly and Patton Oswalt debating which activity is more offensive. Watch the above video for Lewis Black’s opening statements, and click here to see Andy Daly’s really, really, really, incredibly lame condemnation of the sport. From the repeated use of the phrase “Ultimate Fighting” instead of “MMA,” to the bizarre/hostile fantasy of Kimbo Slice being choked with his own intestines, it’s the kind of retardedly uninformed outsider commentary that makes Fowlkes’s forehead vein pop out. (As for the MMA vs. bloggers debate, they’re both equally worthless, and I cry myself to sleep every night while cuddling my filthy dog.)

— Today, the New York Times published a feature on cauliflower ear, and how it’s become a badge of honor for practitioners of “mixed martial arts or ultimate fighting” (hey, progress!). Let me just say first that the NYT is always late to the party with their trend pieces, and by the time they inform their elderly readers about what’s so hot right now, the kids have stopped doing it completely. So you should expect this whole cauliflower ear thing to fall out of fashion any day now. The article’s actually kind of interesting, although it does contain one very FAIL-worthy passage:

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Jay Larkin: What an Asshole

IFL MMA
(Quit it, you homos!)

IFL CEO Jay Larkin is no stranger to making crybaby speeches when things aren’t going so well. But with the IFL canceling events until further notice, and with its publicly traded stock currently hovering at two fucking pennies (down from $17 per share in January 2007), it’s not going to get much worse than this, business-wise. Larkin knows it, which gives him the freedom to say whatever pops into his head, no matter how gross it makes him look.

Business magazine Portfolio just published a profile on IFL’s current tailspin, in which it revealed that the company is now on the auction block for a cool million. Here’s the third paragraph, which follows a description of a recent IFL fight, written in wildly purple prose:

Jay Larkin surveys the inaction with a weary, seen-it-all expression. “This isn’t my idea of fighting,” he says of the world’s fastest-growing spectator sport. “To me, two guys rolling around on the floor is tedious, like watching gay foreplay.”

Wow. And this guy runs an MMA league? He sounds like your average message-board troll. Later, presumably after a few more whisky-sodas, Larkin drops another gem:

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