Perhaps the greatest aspect of being a celebrity — you know, other than the money, women, coke parties, etc. — is the ability to profoundly impact a fan’s life with the simplest of gestures. Take UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva, for instance, who recently surprised a twelve year-old Jiu-Jitsu practitioner and Silva megafan suffering from Epiphysiolysis (the loosening or separation, either partial or complete, of an epiphysis from the shaft of a bone) in a Brazilian hospital.

The fan’s name is Joao Pedro; he has been wheelchair bound for 9 months and has already undergone two surgeries in an attempt to combat his condition. Despite this, doctors are still unsure if he will ever walk again. However, after Joao found out that his doctor also catered to the likes of Silva and Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (who probably financed the guy’s second and third houses over the years), Pedro requested an autograph from the pound-for-pound great. Being the stand up guy that Anderson is, he decided to step it up a notch and show up in person with an armful of autographed gifts for the little dude.

The heartwarming video and transcription are after the jump. 

(18 seconds in = that moment when you realize you’ve literally been screaming obscenities on national television for the past 15 seconds. Props to FightersOnly.) 

We should all be thanking our lucky stars for tape delay, because if it weren’t for the quick minds (and fingers) of the UFC’s censorship department, some of our children might have had their minds permanently tainted by the obscene gestures and naughty words used by two men trying to beat the ever-loving shit out of each other last Saturday night. And that is unacceptable. I mean, violence is one thing, but the middle finger being thrown about all willy-nilly?! I don’t want my illegitimate children growing up in that kind of cold, harsh world.

And God forbid the censors had let the onslaught of f-bombs delivered by BJ Penn‘s trainer during his introduction (as captured above) slip past them, or we would have had a full blown crisis on our hands. As you can see, the gentlemen to the top left of the screen — likely through some sort of Hawaiian, mumbo-jumbo voodoo ritual that involves the repeated shouting of curse words — somehow absorbed all of the energy Penn was supposed to have stored up for his fight with Rory MacDonald in the moments beforehand. It’s the only explanation of how Penn gassed in a minute and a half, and the defense I am prepared to use whilst trapping my disappointment in his performance deep in the recesses of my soul.

Anyway, I spent most of my morning drowning my sorrows in alcohol compiling a playlist of awesome, semi-MMA-related videos from around the web that will last you through your lunch break, so check ‘em out after the jump.

(You see this, right here? It’s like pedophilia gold, son.) 

The weigh-ins for tomorrow night’s UFC on FX 3 card kick off in just a few minutes, so join us after the jump for live results, won’t you? Featuring a rematch of the bodged flyweight tournament semifinal between Ian McCall and Demetrious Johnson, as well as a sure to be slugfest between Josh Neer and Mike Pyle, the UFC’s return to FX can only exceed our expectations, and might just become one of the sleeper cards of the year.

Bullshit hype aside, come check out the weigh-ins and see what happens.

Hint: This guy does pretty well. Props: The Cornell Sun

Last night concluded the NCAA’s three day tournament for the 2012 D1 National Wrestling Championships in St. Louis, Missouri. Given the success that dominant wrestlers have had in mixed martial arts, it’s almost guaranteed you’ll be seeing a few of these guys in the cage at some point, so you might as well learn who last night’s big winners were. It’s MMA’s version of March Madness, without the annoying Hooter’s commercials (Unrelated, but why are you giving us that dejected look, Bellator?).

Perhaps the biggest winner from last night was Cornell’s Kyle Dake. The 157 pound Ivy League grappler became the first wrestler in NCAA history to win three national titles in three different weight classes, defeating Iowa’s Derek St. John, 4-1. Cornell would wind up finishing fourth in the team standings with 102.5 points, behind Iowa (107.5), Minnesota (117.5) and Penn State (142), who had already clinched the team title before last night’s finals.

If you want a list of full results, check here, then come back for the videos, courtesy of IronForgesIron.com, after the jump.

Anyone who has kids can tell you that it seems no sooner are you finished shelling out a wad of cash on one-and-done Halloween costumes then you’re being bombarded with Christmas wish lists from those little money pits, chock-full of useless and annoying toys that you can neither afford nor should ever consider giving to a child if you are the least bit sane. And before we can even sit down to a nice Thanksgiving meal that eventually erupts into a heated argument over why they let Chaz Bono compete on Dancing With the Stars, former UFC light heavyweight champion Quinton “Rampage” Jackson is here to remind us all that the gifts we do receive will likely be worse than even our pathetic standards could have predicted.

Jamie Varner vs. Nate Jolly. Video Props: IronforgesIron.com

In a move that would make Brett Favre proud, Jamie Varner has come out of retirement less than one month after retiring. Last night at XFC 14, Jamie Varner made his comeback fight (?) against 10-3 Tennessee prospect “Ladies Love” Nate Jolly. Seriously, that’s what the guy calls himself. And you thought we were delusional about our sex lives.

Before the fight, Jamie Varner told MMAFighting.com, “I know this guy is a very, very beatable guy. I’m bigger, I’m faster, I’m better in every position. I’m not too worried about what he brings to the table. If I go in there and perform to even half what I’m capable of, I should walk away with the W.” As you can see from the fight video, Jamie Varner was actually being pretty humble while assessing his opponent’s skills. After putting up nothing resembling a fight, Jolly was taken down and knocked out by the first punches that Varner landed.

It’s good to have you back, Jamie- even if most fans hadn’t even noticed that you left.

Breaking sports news video. MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL highlights and more.

Rick story, blatantly holding back his true feelings regarding Nate Marquardt.

In preparation for UFC on Versus 4 this Sunday night, Ariel Helwani has been busy interviewing fighters. Since you probably have a major concerns regarding his interviews, I’ll address it now: Nobody gets slapped. For those of you still here, Nate Marquardt and Rick Story don’t exactly speak highly of each other, Christian Morecraft talks beer and Black Sabbath and John Howard talks about the Boston Bruins winning the Stanley Cup.

For more of Ariel Helwani, be sure to check out the pre-fight and post-fight shows on Versus Network, beginning at 8 PM ET and 11:30 PM ET, respectively. You’ll get analysis from Ariel, Todd Harris and Stephan Bonnar. You’ll also get a special appearance by our favorite reader (No, not Cheick Kongo). And also watch the other videos after the jump.

You know, stuff like this. Except moving

Last night, HDNet aired their footage from DREAM’s disaster benefit show, which took place last weekend. Most of you already know what to expect, as results were posted immediately after the event took place, but the fights are worth a quick look. During Aoki vs Clementi Frank Trigg generously guestimated that a half dozen fighters were mentioned as possible opponents for Shinya Aoki. To be fair, that’s about when we stopped paying attention to rumored opponents for Aoki as well. Unfortunately, we don’t have any videos from the bantamweight tournament semifinal matchups. If we find some we’ll get them up. Videos are after the jump.

All videos courtesy of Fight Video MMA:

(Guess who’s coming to dinner? PicProps: Cagewriter)

A bit of a slow weekend for those of us out there with more refined tastes, as the K-1 World Grand Prix 2010 Final 16 pretty much dominated the scene. If striking is your bag, you’ll probably dig the video after the jump of some guy named Gago Drago knocking out some guy named Su Hawn Lee at that event. Pretty good scrap, there. On the MMA front, reports are all but confirming Jon Jones vs. Ryan Bader will happen early next year and that after UFC 125 Antonio McKee might have to go to church and pray for the eternal soul of Jacob Volkmann.

Also after the jump, one more K-1 knockout, a short clip of Tim Hague handling Travis Wiuff at AMMA 5 north of the border, Arianny Celeste talks to an extremely creepy-voiced dude from MMA Digest, Evan Dunham shows off his scars and — in honor of his signing — a quick flashback to some of McKee’s best work.

(Props to Yahoo’s Maggie Hendricks and the Dog’s Jordan Breen for the public Twitter convo that turned us on to the unadulterated awesomeness of Senegalese wrestling. Vid: YouTube/mbourencouleurs)

This just in from the CagePotato Fashion Desk: What’s the hottest trend for fall? Foreign people wrestling on exotic, faraway shores. Don’t believe us? Behold the above video, where two dudes in their underwear wrestle in the grass in a packed soccer stadium somewhere in Senegal. Do we have any idea what’s going on here? No. Do we know who these guys are or understand the rules? No. Does any of that matter? Absolutely not. When the guy allegedly named Papa Sow jacks up the guy named Paul Maurice with an insane Randleman-on-Fedor-style slam, that’s a language everyone understands.  Or maybe it’s Maurice who does the slamming, who cares?

When Papa Sow –– or Maurice — responds to the victory by sprinting across the turf into the arms of his crew while the crowd absolutely loses its fucking mind? That’s pretty awesome too.  Honestly though, those guys need some T-shirts with their area code printed on them if they want to be taken seriously as a fighter’s entourage. Be sure to stick around to the 1:40 mark for the slow-mo, back-and-forth replays of the takedown while the announce team breaks it all down. We assume whichever one is the Senegalese Joe Rogan is probably saying the guy in the black trunks should’ve used more leg kicks.

After the jump, a trailer for a (we think) legit documentary about what happens when a bunch of Bolivian peasant women stop being polite … and start a professional wrestling federation.

If you’re wondering why Reebok’s viral ad campaign of famous people working out in the nude featured two athletes (Chuck Liddell, Chad Ochocinco) and an actor (Dax Shepard), the answer is in this video from their appearance on "Jimmy Kimmel Live."  First of all, we all know that comedy comes in threes, so there’s that.  Second of all, somebody has to be articulate enough to carry the segment with Kimmel, so that’s where Shepard comes in. 

Face it, if you left the whole thing up to Liddell alone it’d be four minutes of short, mumbled sentences and at some point Kimmel would get frustrated and just flat-out demand to know what’s up with those weird jeans.  That’s why you bring an actor along, people.  He diffuses the situation and takes the pressure off you in his constant, cloying search for love and acceptance.  When an actor is unavailable, a puppy will work just as well and for the exact same reasons. 

(Some clever son of a bitch is still patting himself on the back for coming up with the title to this video.)

If you need a break from the constant James Toney news cycle, and yet also feel like you still have a lot of unanswered questions after the very disturbing Chuck Liddell naked workout video, boy have we ever got good news for you.  Our friend Steve Cofield, who is constantly scouring the internet for videos of nude male athletes, alerted us to this video of Chad Ochocinco (who non-football fans will remember as that dude who wanted to throw down with Anderson Silva) also working out in nothing but a pair of Reeboks. 

As far as getting people to talk about your low budget ads, this clearly works.  When it comes to actually getting me to purchase a pair of shoes, I can’t think of anything less effective.  Wait, yes I can.  They could have gotten Roy Nelson instead.

It should surprise no one to learn that Matt Hughes did a lot of scrapping with his twin brother Mark as a kid.  You put two country boys out on the farm with not much else to do, beating on one another is bound to become the primary source of entertainment.  But just to remove all doubt on the matter, Hughes posted this video of a Christmas morning in the Hughes household circa 1976 to his website. 

At first it’s just Mark and Matt and their older sister unwrapping presents in their pj’s, filled with all the bushy-headed amazement you might expect.  But that’s before some genius gave them various types of boxing gloves, presumably to protect their little hands from damage during the many fights that began erupting as soon as the boys learned to make fists.  The funny part is, watch how quickly a boxing match between the Hughes boys turns into a wrestling match.  It’s like they can’t help it.  Their parents don’t seem too concerned.  They don’t even step in to stop those strikes to the back of the head from Matt’s older sister.  Think of it as quality training for the hard years to come.

MMA Minute #2 – Watch more Funny Videos

Good news (for those of you who like watching a dude talk into a camera for short periods of time)! “The MMA Minute” is back for another episode, breaking down all the action from this busy weekend and giving you more insight than you probably needed into my personal life. This time I discuss which organization came out looking like the winner in the showdown between Strikeforce and the WEC, and then I more or less stare awkwardly into the camera until the strain of all the attention becomes too much for me and I burst into tears. That’s what it felt like anyway. Hope you enjoy it.

You know how you can tell that Diego Sanchez‘s eccentricity is not an act?  Skip to the 3:10 mark of Dana White’s weigh-in video blog and watch him psyching himself up before he gets on the scales.  Dude is still more than twenty-four hours away from the fight itself at this point, but there he is, gently swaying back and forth while shouting ‘Yes!’ to himself, oblivious to the presence of any other human beings.  Normal people — even normal people who get really into the vague platitudes of Tony Robbins — would probably choose to play it a little closer to the vest.  Maybe they’d just think ‘Yes!’ over and over to themselves, or perhaps mutter it very softly.  Not Diego.  Probably because being embarrassed of his own actions has never even occurred to him.

Also worth noting here is one of B.J. Penn‘s cornermen, who stands just behind Sanchez as he works himself into a frenzy, and at one point glances back at Penn as if to say, ‘You seeing this?’  And yeah, Penn sees it and seems thoroughly unimpressed.  I can’t wait to see who wins the race to the center of the Octagon. 

We told you Diego Sanchez was a little bit weird, but you just wouldn’t believe us.  Maybe you’ll change your mind once you see his pre-UFC 107 video blog, in which he plays with an iguana to help his reflexes.  Not that we don’t respect his positive attitude.  I mean, the guy’s car breaks down on the side of the road and he breaks into song.  Although it’s still unclear how he turned that particular negative into a positive.  From what we can tell, it was pretty much all negative.  Sure, he got a ride in someone else’s Toyota Yaris, but those of us who have driven a Yaris know damn well that it’s basically one step up from those Flintstones cars, if that.  At least those things looked heavy enough that you didn’t have to worry about a strong wind sweeping you off the road.

After the jump, we give equal time to some of B.J. Penn‘s annoying thirty second videos.   Because editing stuff together is for haoles, bra.

(Props: CRE)

The best UFC highlight-reel of the week comes from BH, who has compiled some of the greatest Octagon moments of 2008-2009 (and Nick Diaz‘s 2007 PRIDE fight against Takanori Gomi, for some reason) — into this uplifting clip. Using Coldplay to soundtrack an MMA video is a risky move, but it actually works here, in a "Where the Hell Is Matt?" sort of way. From Akihiro Gono‘s legendary entrance at UFC 94 to the various disappointments of Chuck Liddell — it’s definitely worth a look.

After the jump: A Lyoto Machida-specific highlight reel from firelotus09. Just like Lyoto’s fights, the action doesn’t start right away; if you’re impatient, skip to the 1:43 mark and prepare to be Dragon’d.

Man, all this talk about boxers doing MMA is almost enough to make a fella forget about the ground game.  We’ve got the cure for that problem: a bunch of goddamn grappling videos.  Up first, Fedor Emelianenko flings Gegard Mousasi around just for fun.  After the jump, Demian Maia‘s jiu-jitsu highlights are an indispensable part of any grappling examination, Shinya Aoki has a quick one against Marcelo Garcia, plus more.

(Nick Diaz vs. Frank Shamrock, round 1)

(Nick Diaz vs. Frank Shamrock, round 2)

#0: Heath Herring vs. Yoshihiro Nakao @ K-1 Premium 2005 Dynamite!! (12/31/05), 0 seconds

Who the hell knows what Yoshihiro Nakao was thinking when he planted a surprise smooch on Heath Herring before their fight at K-1’s 2005 New Year’s Eve show. (Maybe that the Texas Crazy Horse would become blinded by lust, leaving him unable to intelligently defend himself?) Unfortunately, not only is Herring “not gay,” but he resents the implication, and responds by punching Nakao right across his sweet, pillowy lips. Even if the match was ruled a no-contest, it’s still a KO at the 0:00 mark of round 1, earning it an honorary spot on our list of Fast & Furious knockouts. Not since the epic Gracie vs. Howard battle at UFC 3 had there been such a dramatic finish to a fight before it had even technically started. And the nickname “Kiss” still haunts Nakao to this day…

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE VIDEO

(Carlos Condit vs. Martin Kampmann)

Last night’s "Condit vs. Kampmann" card brought in a live gate of $626,077, thanks to its 10,267 spectators — which made it the most well-attended Fight Night show in UFC history. $120,000 was re-distributed to the fighters in the form of $30,000 end-of-night bonuses. Taking home the extra cash were…

Fight of the Night: Tyson Griffin and Rafael Dos Anjos, as mentioned earlier. Don’t ask us why their sloppy slugfest got the nod over the technical back-and-forth battle of the main event.

Knockout of the Night: Aaron Simpson’s first-round stoppage of Tim McKenzie in the night’s opening bout turned out to be the only TKO on the card, so he scored the bonus by default.

Submission of the Night: Rob Kimmons earned the bump with his first-round guillotine choke victory over Joe Vedepo, which put Vedepo to sleep for the second time in his short UFC career. It was nice knowing you, buddy.

More videos from the main card after the jump…

#2: Norifumi Yamamoto vs. Kazuyuki Miyata @ K-1 Hero’s 5 (5/3/06), 4 seconds

Though the official time of the stoppage was 0:04 into round 1, that seems more like a generous estimate than an exact measurement. Kid Yamamoto takes a Rickey Henderson-style leadoff before the fight even starts, and dives knee-first into the hapless Kazuyuki Miyata’s face. Miyata clearly hadn’t trained for this scenario, but as he’d find out, ducking into the blow is not the most effective defense. The stunning flying-knee KO was Yamamoto’s 11th-straight win, his ninth-straight win by stoppage, and the fastest knockout in MMA history to that point. Unfortunately, his record wouldn’t last long…

CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO

(James Thompson vs. Jim York.  Props: MMA Videos)

Say this for James Thompson, dude is dependable.  You can always count on him to come charging out of his corner at the sound of the bell, then become quickly exhausted, and finally get dropped by a punch that doesn’t look all that hard.  In a sport where consistent performers are hard to come by, it’s refreshing to know exactly what you’re going to get when "The Colossus" is in the ring.

After the jump, more videos from Sengoku’s "Seventh Battle" that are actually athletically meaningful.

(Props: MMA Scraps)

Diego Sanchez engages in a kickboxing bout, while Joe Stevenson fights a boxing match.  When that happens, you can usually guess who’s going to win.  A strong debut at lightweight for Sanchez.  As for Stevenson, instead of considering your own drop in weight, as you may be tempted to, how about getting with a good camp and learning some new tricks?

More videos, including Maia-Sonnen, Koscheck-Thiago, and more are after the jump.

In this video from “Inside MMA,” Lyoto Machida does his best to explain how his training has evolved.  He has physical education training now!  I can only assume that involves a lot of kickball, some freeze tag, and the occasional mile run. 

(Props: Fightlinker)

At last, a decent video of Akihiro Gono’s full entrance at UFC 94, as shown on a Japanese UFC broadcast.  You still don’t quite feel the magic in this video the way those of us who saw it live did, but Gono managed to prove what “Kids in the Hall” long suspected: men dressed as women never fail to entertain.  You can see there were a couple hiccups in the routine, so maybe more rehearsal time is in order for his next fight.  For me the highlight is when Gono and his boys finish the entrance and begin giving the double high-five to anyone within reach.  Good show, everybody.

After the jump, something weird.

("The Upgrade" will get his chance to earn that t-shirt, after all.  Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

With Chris Horodecki being pulled from Affliction: Day of Reckoning after failing his physical with a bulging disc in his neck, the organization has reached out to 7-1 southern California fighter Bobby Green to step in as a replacement against Dan Lauzon.  Important things to know about Green:

– His nickname is “King,” which is kind of weird.
– He’s never faced anyone of note in any major organization.
– He was suspended for three months and fined $500 after testing positive for marijuana following his victory over Raymond Ayala at Total Fighting Alliance 10 last March.

There, now you’re up to speed.  The question now for Affliction is whether this bout will stay on the pay-per-view portion of the card, or whether it will be pushed down in favor of the Jay Hieron and Jason High bout.  The latter sounds like the better idea, since guys who take fights on a couple days notice aren’t often known for putting on pay-per-view worthy performances.

More Affliction-related videos, like Fedor and Andrei vlogs, are after the jump.

ESPN’s "MMA Live" crew talks with the winners from UFC 92, and Kenny Florian lends his voice to the growing criticism of referee Steve Mazzagatti, saying that he hopes Mazzagatti got some glasses for Christmas, since some of his calls have been dangerously late, calling it "a consistent thing" at around the 36:30 mark.  They also come to a consensus that C.B. Dollaway tapped against Mike Massenzio, though Florian calls it a good escape.

And in this Inside MMA preview, the gang recounts their favorite viewer emails, including one that leads Bas Rutten into a story about getting hit in the head with a spiked baseball bat.  Is it me, or does Rutten’s life pre-MMA stardom remind anyone else of a European version of "Road House?"

Wow.  Who would have thought that a) we’d ever see Mark Hunt get knocked out by something as simple as a left hook-straight right combo, b) in the opening seconds of a fight, and c) by a middleweight.  This is the guy who walked right through a Cro Cop high kick.  Hats off to Melvin Manhoef.  Maybe now he’ll get that fight with Kimbo Slice that he wants. 

More videos from Fields Dynamite 2008 after the jump.

(Shhh…go to sleep.  Gif thanks to Smoogy on the UG.)

Dave Kaplan is officially the luckiest son of a bitch on last night’s Ultimate Finale card.  For getting his ass handed to him by Junie Browning in the evening’s first televised bout he received a $25,000 bonus for “Fight of the Night,” as did Browning. 

Not that it was a bad fight by any means, but neither was it exhilarating or even all that competitive, unless Dana White is really that impressed by a guy willing to keep trying the same straight foot lock that only works on BJJ blue belts and Tim Sylvia.  If you ask me (and you kind of did, by virtue of coming to this website and reading this far, sucker), White wanted to reward Browning for showing up and appearing to have his shit together, and Kaplan’s pockets got fatter just by being in the way.  As long as the check clears, “Diamond” Dave can’t complain.

The Knockout of the Night bonus obviously went to Anthony “Rumble” Johnson for putting his shin across Kevin Burns’ jaw and reminding us all that sleep truly is the cousin of death.

Krzysztof Soszynski (K-Sos to the Potato Nation) pocketed 25 grand for Submission of the Night after wrenching Shane Primm’s shoulder all out of shape.

Full disclosed payouts and analysis of said payouts from last night’s event are after the jump.  Won’t you join us?

(One of several great WEC action shots from NBC Sports.)

- California’s drug-testing system is fixed already. (MMA Weekly)

- Chuck Liddell doing work with American Top Team, son. (Fighters Only)

- Josh Koscheck talks Yoshida bout. (CBS Sportsline)

- King of the Cage takes a swipe at Zuffa over Booyaa ban. (MMA Payout)

- British boxers exchange barbs over MMA. (The Sun)

- NBC goes Cung Le crazy this Saturday night. (MMA Mania)

- Diary of a madman who decides to train with Matt Hughes and the rest of the HIT Squad. (NewBreedFighters.tv)

- Flowchart guide to losing your virginity. (Holy Taco)

- Michael Bay’s Amazon wish list. (Screen Junkies)

- Street corner executive search. (Wall Street Fighter)

- Incredible diving basketball shot wins game. (Nothing Toxic)