(Covering up that neck tattoo before going to court would have been a good idea.)

If you’ve been missing War Machine’s acclaimed Big House Blogs, you’re probably the only group that is going to be happy about this news.

According to the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver, he has been sentenced to another year in jail in Las Vegas for an old charge, forcing him to withdraw from Bellator’s season six welterweight tournament that gets underway in March. He indicated on Twitter that he will begin serving his sentence in two weeks and that, as per usual, he isn’t happy with the system.

(War Machine poses with the kids’ MMA class that he is somehow allowed to teach. Props: @WarMachine170)

Two interesting updates to Bellator’s sixth season, which begins March 2nd…

— After signing to the promotion in December, War Machine has secured his quarterfinal opponent for Bellator’s upcoming welterweight tournament. As he wrote on Twitter yesterday, “Fuck ya its on! My first fight in @BellatorMMA tournament will be March 30th vs. Karl Amoussou!! Gonna send him back to France in peices!!” It will be Machine’s first appearance since his impressive post-prison win against Roger Huerta in November.

Karl “Psycho” Amoussou (13-4-2, 1-1 in Bellator) is indeed French, and has also competed for M-1, Strikeforce, DREAM, and Pancrase. The Haute Tension product most recently scored a first-round TKO over Jesus Martinez in a 175-pound catchweight bout at Bellator 59 in November. Bellator’s Season 6 welterweight bracket will include Bryan Baker, Brian Foster, undefeated triangle-choke specialist David Rickels, and Season 5 tournament finalist Ben Saunders. War Machine is already looking forward to an emotional reunion with his TUF 6 castmate.

In other news…

(“I’ve turned over a new leaf, Fujiko. So no funny stuff this time. Just a normal Swedish massage and asshole wax, please.”)

War Machine‘s career comeback is picking up steam. After his third-round TKO victory against Roger Huerta last month — War’s first match after spending a year in prison for assault — the previously-troubled welterweight has announced his signing with Bellator: “So it’s now official public knowledge. I signed with Bellator and will be in the next welterweight tournament. [I] can’t wait to be back fighting on live television with the big boys.”

Bellator CEO Bjorn Rebney confirmed the signing, though not War Machine’s participation in the next welterweight bracket; his debut date and opponent is yet to be announced. As Rebney told MMAJunkie, “Jon’s not had an easy road. And there’s no doubt he’s made some poor choices, but after having had conversations with him since his release, he really seems to understand where and why things went wrong and wants to make them right…I hope he’s able to turn this second chance into something positive.”

[VIDEO REMOVED BY REQUEST.]

After a year in the pokey, War Machine finally returned to competition Saturday night at Ultimate Warrior Fighting 1 in Pharr, Texas, where he faced off against former UFC lightweight darling Roger Huerta in the event’s welterweight headliner. And even though prison ring-rust has to be the worst kind of ring-rust — nutraloaf and sandwich masturbation don’t exactly make for an ideal fighter lifestyle — Mr. Machine handled himself admirably, out-hustling Huerta in a gritty back-and-forth scrap.

Unfortunately, Huerta broke his rib during a scramble in round three, seemingly when War sneaks in that knee at the video’s 15:10 mark. War Machine took advantage of Huerta’s weakened state and laid on punches from the top until the match was stopped. And so, War Machine writes the first chapter of his unlikely comeback story, while Huerta picks up the fifth loss in his last six attempts.

In the early days of The Ultimate Fighter, simply spraying water on a sleeping person was considered a brilliant prank. But after 14 seasons, the bar has been steadily raised for in-house trickery, to the point where even the coaches are now gleefully stripping cars of their tires. We thought we’d pay tribute to the TUF prank tradition by running down the most infamous pranks of the show’s history. Enjoy, and let us know if we’ve left out any of your favorites…

The Pink Room (Season 10)

See, this is what I’m talking about. Any moron can piss on a bed — but it takes a man to spend all afternoon painting walls pink and arranging stuffed animals in vaguely sexual poses. The best moment is at the very end, when Rashad Evans comes to the realization that the pacifier he’d been sucking on had definitely been up Tiki’s ass at some point.

See also: The Chickenmobile, The Team Portrait

(Still got it.)

Another super-fight, up in smoke. Chicago’s MMA informs us that War Machine‘s post-prison return fight against Gideon Ray has been scratched from the main event of Chicago Cagefighting Championship 4 (October 15th; Villa Park, IL). From a press-release sent out by the promoter:

Over the weekend Gideon informed Chicago Cagefighting that he had suffered an injury to his hand and would not be able to compete. To compound problems, War Machine suffered a cut to his chin during training and is not able to train for at least a week. When a suitable replacement for Gideon could not be found, we made a tough decision. With only three weeks to the event we were forced to cancel the entire bout.

(Image via @warmachine170)

After all the ink we gave to War Machine‘s deep thoughts about D.I.Y. asshole-plucking and bologna sex fantasies while in prison, it only seems fair that we should keep you updated on his actual MMA career. (Ed. note: zzzzzzz) The eccentric UFC veteran has been a free man since July, and his fall dance card is starting to fill up.

On Saturday, October 15th, War Machine will headline Chicago Cagefighting Championship 4, which goes down at the Odeum Expo Center in Villa Park, IL. His opponent will be TUF 4 castmember and “local fan favorite” Gideon Ray, who hasn’t competed since last July. The card will also feature Carson Beebe, Josh Shockley, and Chico Camus. Tickets start at just $20.

But a bigger fight looms on the horizon…

(Fedor Emelianenko, immediately after his loss to Dan Henderson on Saturday night. Photo via Darren Shuster, PR Representative for Dragon Door/RKC)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere. E-mail feedback@cagepotato.com for details on how your site can join the MMA Link Club…

- Dan Henderson Gets Caught on National Television Spanking Dat Ass at a Cardinals Game (MMA Mania)

- Herb Dean Defends Controversial Stoppage in Fedor Emelianenko vs. Dan Henderson Fight (5thRound)

- After Release from Prison, War Machine Looking for Fresh Start (MMA Fighting)

- Leonard Garcia out of UFC Live 5 With Injury; Jim Hettes to Replace Against Alex Caceres (Five Ounces of Pain)

- UFC’s Rich Franklin Discusses Career, Life and Fans Asking for His Underwear (BleacherReport.com/MMA)

- Photo Gallery: Vitor Belfort Prepares for UFC 133 Bout With Yoshihiro Akiyama (LowKick)

- Video: 20 of the Most ‘WTF?’ Moments in UFC History (MiddleEasy)

- A Conquistador Story: Looking Back on Jorge Rivera vs. Travis Lutter (MMA Convert)

- Dan Henderson’s Win Over Fedor Builds Momentum for TRT Usage/Acceptance (FightOpinion)

- Ben Askren on Season Five of Bellator, Nate Marquardt and Fight With Hector Lombard (TheFightNerd)

- Following Burger King Deal, Anderson Silva Inks Sponsorships With Nike and Brazilian Soccer Club (MMAPayout)

- What’s Next for ‘Fedor vs. Henderson’ Winners and Losers? (NBC Sports MMA)

(“I call this sub ‘The Prison Rape.’”

War Machine is out of jail which is sad for us fans of his Big House Blogs, but on the bright side we’ll be reading a lot more interviews from the man formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver.

USCombatSports.com snagged War’s first post-prison interview and let’s just say that it didn’t disappoint.

Check out some of the highlights after the jump.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/WEEZER)

It’s a bittersweet week for both fans of War Machine and fans of War Machine’s Big House Blogs. The fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver is set to be released from jail on Friday, which means the only blogs we’re going to get from here on out (unless of course he ends back in the clink) will be about his training regimens, his married life and thoughts on the world. Something tells me that being behind bars contributed to how deranged some of his deep thoughts were the past year and it’s likely that being on the outside will change all that.

Let’s hope I’m dead wrong.

Until he proves me wrong, go ahead and savor your last instalment of War Machine’s Big House Blogs after the jump.

Our favorite MMA convict, War Machine is a free man in just under a month and when he gets out, the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver wants all of us to know that even though his Big House Blogs will cease, he plans on continuing to entertain us with an autobiography he has been penning the past few months behind bars.

You know you’ll read it, especially if he details his short-lived porn career and his multiple brushes with the law.

Check out what he had to say about his tome and his final weeks in jail in his two latest blog entries after the jump.

(Spit-bags: The sure sign of a bad time. Photo courtesy of TMZ.)

By Ben Goldstein and Jason Moles

The rule applies in any profession: For every law-abiding nice-guy, there’s an unstable son-of-a-bitch who you’d never want to leave your kids alone with. In honor of Breaking Bad: The Complete Third Season being released on DVD and Blu-ray, we decided to take a ride through MMA’s shadowy history of assault, robbery, vandalism, drug-smuggling, and other nasty behavior — the most infamous examples of fighters living dangerously and paying the price…

For more thrills, check out the latest Sony Action Unleashed DVDs!

#16: Jeff Monson
Arrested for: First-degree malicious mischief; assault on a female and injury to real property

It’s never a good idea to have evidence of your law-breaking published nationally. In a bizarre lapse of judgment, heavyweight veteran Jeff Monson was busted after he allowed ESPN the Magazine to photograph him spray-painting an anarchy symbol on the Washington state capitol building. Though the charge packed a maximum sentence of 10 years in prison, the Snowman was able to plead down to three months. Just days later, Monson was arrested again when a domestic dust-up with one of his many love-interests resulted in an overturned grandfather clock and a fist-shaped hole in the wall; those charges were later dismissed.

#15: Kim Couture
Arrested for: Domestic violence

(If he only knew then what he knows about ‘gay hippy shit’ now…)

Well, War Machine has finally realized what most second graders already know- ‘reading is great’. To think, it only took him being exiled from the UFC, failing at a career in porn, and being sent to jail for felony assault to discover the joy of books.

Below you’ll learn that War doesn’t get down on all of that made-up organized religion crap, preferring to root his beliefs in more time-tested scientific certainties like interdimensional yogis and reincarnation. The good news? While he’s out zipping around through space and time, he totally doesn’t mind if you bone his wife.

(Little known fact: War’s mother’s name is Game Machine.)

War Machine’s latest big house blog is up and according to the incarcerated fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver, pretty much everything we think we know is a lie.

The TUF 6 vet is gearing up for his final few months behind bars in county jail, and as such, has brushing up on his current events in the news. According to the beleaguered fighter, everything that he’s read lately, from Barry Bonds’ steroid trial to Bin Laden’s alleged death  is carefully propagated government bullshit.

Check out the latest instalment of Deep Thoughts with War Machine after the jump.

(There better be a follow-up series of blogs that follow War AFTER he’s released so we can see how disconnected from society he’s become.)

If you’ve been following the trials and tribulations of War Machine in county jail, you know that his friend on the outside who was posting his blogs let them lapse for a while and is now playing catch-up. Well, the blogs are finally up to date and unfortunately for fans of the weekly journals of one of the greatest minds of our generation, the fighter formerly known as Jon Kopenhaver only has 12 weeks remaining on his one-year sentence for assault.

Rather than post the remaining few entries verbatim, we’ve decided to print just the meat and potatoes of the blogs to get you up to date with the shenanigans WM has gotten into the past few weeks.

Check out the highlights after the jump.

Jobbi.com announced today that it has formed a partnership with Zuffa to help the parent company of the UFC and Strikeforce recruit fighters.

According to the company’s co-founder Lawrence Vaughan, applicants will receive feedback from members of the job search hub which will help improve their standing on the site and may lead to them gaining the attention of UFC brass.

“Together with the UFC, we’ve created a streamlined process that makes it simple for new fighters and UFC management to connect with each other. There is also a social component that makes it easy for general public to get involved. People can talk with fighters, watch videos of applicants, and show their support for their favorite fighters,” explained Vaughan. “It is an exciting, ongoing process to determine who will ultimately get their dream job fighting for the UFC.”

(Leg kicks, why have you forsaken me? / Photo courtesy of allelbows.com)

Today, as you know, is Easter — a day in which Christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, three days after his crucifixion. To commemorate the holiday, we’d like to take this time to remember notable resurrections in the sport of mixed martial arts. (Because we’re respectful like that.) There’s nothing more incredible than watching a dude get the living crap beaten out of him for minutes at a time, and then somehow, miraculously, finding the strength to knock his opponent dead before the last bell. So without further ado, here are 11 of our favorite “Back From the Dead” MMA fights of all time…

(War has really grown up in prison.)

We know they say that being in prison can screw with a man’s head and we know it’s hard to believe that War Machine could say, do or write anything stranger than he already has, but let’s just say what you’re about to read will likely make you ask, “What the fuck is wrong with this guy?”

Nothing we can say about his latest big house blog will be any funnier than the tragic comedy-reality of the situation, so go see what kind of wackiness the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver got into recently in solitary.

A word of advice: Don’t read it on your lunch or dinner break at work.

(This is the look that sends cons running for a new cell? Really? PicProps MMAMania)

Well, now that War Machine’s friend on the outside has figured out how to post his blogs again, the jailhouse ramblings of the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver have been coming fast and furiously the past week.

Judging by his references to missing Christmas and to GSP and Danzig winning (they both fought and won at UFC 124) these entries are about four months behind, which makes sense considering that’s when War’s blogs went MIA.

Apparently someone alerted WM about the MMA media’s fascination with his life behind bars and he’s not impressed. If I was a private and upstanding citizen like he is, I’d be pissed too that the media was critical of me

Check out what shenanigans War Machine got into last year after the jump.

 
("Maybe if I give myself a black eye nobody will notice.")

I gotta be honest, War Machine’s blogs are starting to seem a bit halfhearted these days.

Maybe we need to get someone on the inside a la Michael Scofield to shake things up a bit. Do we have any unemployed  members of the Potato Nation in San Diego with eight months to spare who are looking to make a few bucks?

I don’t know if I can stand to read about War’s herpes outbreaks and the number of continuous push-ups he can do for the next eight months, so we would make it worth your while.

Here’s the latest, and arguably the most disinterested prison journal entry to date by the fighter once known as "little Jonny Koppenhaver" after the jump.

(Ortiz and Liddell will settle their grudge once and for all on New Year’s Eve…OR WILL THEY?? / Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle)

One of my weekly MMA must-reads is the "Sunday Morning Rumor Mill" column on MiddleEasy, which features a bunch of juicy stories that just might be true. In homage to our pals, we’d like to start a similar feature on CagePotato — except ours will work a little differently. Of the eight items you see below, seven have been pulled directly out of our asses. The other one is absolutely, positively, 100% true, and has been confirmed by inside sources. Which one is it? We’d rather not say, due to legal reasons. You’ll have to figure it out yourself…

– Vinicius Quieroz wasn’t the only fighter who was caught by the UFC’s independent drug-testing at UFC 120. There was a second guy who pissed hot for the same steroid, but the company decided to let him off with a private (but very stern) warning. Hint: Main card, but not main event.

– Arianny Celeste has been dating a former UFC fighter for the past year, but has kept the relationship hidden from the public, in order to protect the fantasy that she’s "available" to her fans. We can’t reveal her boyfriend’s name, but his initials are Tiki Ghosn.

(War and his cellmate "Dana White" pose with a fellow inmate at the prison prom.)

Time sure flies when you’re not behind bars.

Here we are already at month four of War Machine’s county jail journey.

It seems like only yesterday, he was on the outside bar brawling and tweeting about his views of the world.

Now he spends his days reading, masturbating and playing scrabble with imaginary incarnations of UFC fighters and personalities.

Without giving away too much from the latest releases from his memoirs, War’s reaction to a victim of suicide he mentions in one of his two latest blogs was a bit off, but what else can be expected from a dude who tweets Dana White that he’s imagining him in his cell just before he rubs one out?

And we thought we were going to have a hard time getting back in The Baldfather’s good books.

Here’s what the new age philosopher formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver got into the past two weeks after the jump:

("Instead of another grenade, I just wanted a huge pull-pin on this side to symbolize me blowing my own mind.")

Sometimes we get so caught up in our everyday lives that we forget about life’s little pleasures — like War Machine waxing poetically about the universe and his prison experiences.

It’s sad to say, but I’m almost more interested in reading his blog than I am watching him fight. Chalk it up to my ADHD and my fascination with Machine’s bizarre take on life, but I enjoy reading about his latest exploits behind bars.

In the latest double installment, the little scamp America fell in love with on TUF 6 when he still went by Jon Koppenhaver broaches a number of pressing issues like how he bridged his block’s racial gap, why he got thrown in segregation and couldn’t post last week and how he passes the time playing Scrabble with imaginary versions of past and present UFC fighters.

Nelson Mandela ain’t got nothin’ on War Machine.

Check out War’s latest deep thoughts and shenanigans after the jump.

 
(War enjoying the only action he’ll get for the next nine months.)

I’m not sure how War Machine did it, but he posted a blog last week that slipped through the cracks and didn’t get picked up by anyone in the MMA blogosphere.

The latest entry details the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver’s obsessive masturbation, how it felt to shave his junk for the first time in three months and the trials of being in the clink like the risk of Hepatitis C and keeping his nose clean.

One of the more interesting bits touches on how Machine has captured the hearts of the guards who feel that he got a raw deal in his case and now he is actually beginning to think that he didn’t do anything wrong, which I hear is a recurring theme amongst felons.

Check out what extra fruity adventures WM got into last week after the jump.

(War’s lucky his cellmate didn’t see his Ebay ad.)

Well, it looks like War Machine has kept true to his word that he was going to stay out of trouble while in the clink.

Detailing his last four weeks in jail, the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver avoided a brawl and had the self control to not beat his gay cellmate who insinuated that he wanted War to be his daddy.

In this packed edition of the embattled fighter’s Big House Blogs ^tm, the UFC outcast talks about wanting to fight fellow UFC outcast Junie Browning and snitching on some fellow inmates, which hopefully won’t get back to them like his stories of debauchery behind bars did the DA.

Here’s what Machine has been up to since the last time he checked in:

WEEK 8
So another fake ass back stabber gets added to the list: Steve Bruno. Him and Junie Browning both have volunteered to be stepping stones on my climb back to the UFC.

On a different note, my old celly is gone. I hope he is able to stay clean and out of trouble. Funny shit is my new celly is GAY! LOL! He’s been in the same module as me the whole time but I never knew it! Now that he lives with me he knows that I’m not a homo-phobe so he told me and holy shit! You wouldn’t believe the stories. I asked him if he’s got any "action" and he’s hooked up with two guys since I’ve been here. Crazy part is one was this skinhead guy and the other a young dude who actually had a hot girlfriend, I saw her at a visit. I wonder if she knows!? Weird, I guess you never know how people are behind closed doors. It’s a trip though. Whatever, it doesn’t bother me as long as no one pulls none of that gay shit on me! lol.

("I’m sorry, Jenny, but my heart belongs to another.")

Great work in the comments section this week, you guys. There were a few lines in particular that we felt were worthy of recognition — and CagePotato t-shirts — but we have to warn you, some of this stuff gets a little blue. So tell your kids to leave the room, and read on…

(When War gets his photos done at Sears, he always turns to the side out of habit.)

Apparently most MMA outlets were like us in thinking that since War Machine got sat down by the District Attorney in his case who used his tweets about drugs and booze against him, that the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver was done with Twitter since nobody has written anything about him in a while.

I hadn’t checked out Machine’s page in a while, but it came up as a friend suggestion on my personal account the other day, so I clicked it and was pleasantly surprised that he is back blogging about his exploits in jail.

I’ve got to admit, I was kind of disappointed with the latest edition. I clicked on it expecting to read about how to make a shank out of a toothbrush and instead, I get War talking about how often he masturbates and how he’s thinking of fucking a bologna sandwich. Remind me never so eat lunch with him if I interview him in person after his release (no pun intended).

Maybe it’s because his lawyer is censoring his posts, but last week’s entry seems somewhat subdued.

Here’s what’s going on with War Machine who has only been behind bars one month, which means we only have 48 more of these recaps.

(When you’re name’s War Machine, you’re likely never getting the benefit of the doubt)

Embattled former UFC welterweight War Machine avoided state prison Tuesday, but was sentenced by a judge to serve the remainder of a one-year sentence in county jail, whereupon he will be on probation for three years and will be prohibited from consuming alcohol during that period (so much for drinking toilet wine). The news comes courtesy of NBC San Diego.

Prior to his sentencing yesterday, the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver gave the judge a three-page letter pleading his case in which he stated that he has met some bad people in jail and doesn’t want to end up on the same life path as them.

"I’ve made some stupid mistakes in my life,” War Machine told the judge. "I’m not a bad person. I’ve tried the hard way my whole life. It’s not working. I’m done with that."

("Screw you, society. Jail ain’t so bad after all.")

Considering I also picked Chael Sonnen to win Saturday night, I got an eerily similar empty feeling when I read War Machine’s latest "Big House Blog" and learned that my proclamation that he wouldn’t get through three weeks without getting into some kind of tomfoolery didn’t come to fruition.

I thought for sure that  alcohol+War Machine = spitbag and handcuffs, but apparently the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver has matured behind bars and instead of scrapping anyone and everyone after consuming his IQ in Jagerbombs, he has taken to sipping his toilet wine while engaging in stimulating conversation with murderous Somalian Muslims.

Who knew jail would have such a good influence on War?

 
(Scrabble? I pictured War Machine as more of a Tiddly Winks kind of guy.)

Well, War Machine got through his second week in the clink without any controversy, which is nearly as surprising as Paulo Filho making it to his scheduled Impact FC appearance.

Other than getting ripped off for his phone credits, Machine’s week, which mostly consisted of reading and taking advice from convicted felons, was relatively serene, but considering he has 50 weeks remaining in his one-year sentence, we’re not holding our collective breath that things won’t go sideways at some point in the near future.