(Fuck a body-cavity search. Props to TMZ.)

More details about War "Jon Koppenhaver" Machine’s weekend arrest, from everybody’s favorite online gossip rag that occasionally covers UFC fighters, TMZ:

Perhaps the club was a little too straight-friendly. (Or not friendly enough?) Who knows. What you should really be concerned about is the fact that he had access to a computer the day after his arrest. After the jump, Machine turns to his trusty blog — perhaps the only constant in his life — to give us a little insight on what might have set him off in the first place.

(Shit’s about to get real, son.  Real bad.)

Five Ounces of Pain is passing along a report that everyone’s favorite MMA screw-up, War Machine, was arrested in Las Vegas for battery early Saturday morning.  That’s right, the same guy who recently lost a job opportunity with Bellator for his comments about President Obama, which came after he was kicked out of the UFC for his comments about Evan Tanner/refusal to fight Brandon Wolff.  

To make matters worse, this was apparently a citizen’s arrest, meaning some guy (or woman, we don’t know) on the street grabbed War Machine after he battered someone and then held him there for the cops.  Or, more likely, it happened in a club or casino and security detained him, though I like the first explanation better for the visual imagery it conjures up.

War Machine was already on probation in California for beating up someone outside a gym, so unless he can prove his innocence in this case – and let’s be honest, you knew when you saw the headline that he was guilty – he’s probably going to do some time.

As much as we like mocking those who have aggressively proved themselves deserving of such mockery, War Machine’s life has recently moved beyond pure schadenfreude and into the realm of the genuinely depressing.  Though he did bring it on himself (repeatedly) while demonstrating a complete unwillingness to learn from his past mistakes.  You know where he could make friends who share those fun little traits?  Prison.

A lot of you have already been discussing this in the comments sections of today’s stories, but we wanted to pass along the above screen-cap of War Machine‘s latest MySpace blog post, courtesy of Fightlinker. It seems that his provocative political views ("Fuck an Obama…I hope someone smokes that motherfucker and every president to come") have gotten him kicked off of another promotion’s roster. This time it’s the Bellator Fighting Championships, which will be launching a series of MMA tournaments to be televised on ESPN Deportes beginning April 4th. And while a setback like this would certainly convince us to stop posting our private thoughts in public, Machine is not "changing for anyone or any dollar amount…I will always be true to myself and my beliefs." Take it from an objective observer, War — your beliefs aren’t worth more than a potential $250,000 payday. I don’t even think you could put a down payment on a pre-owned Ford Focus with your beliefs. And dude, "fuck a Disney"? FOR SHAME.

Bellator’s roster is coming together very slowly, but here’s who they have so far according to MMA Weekly:

Announced Participants for Lightweight Tournament
Eddie Alvarez
Jorge Masvidal
Thomas Schulte
Diego Garijo

Announced Participants for Featherweight Tournament
Wilson Reis
Nick Gonazlez
Joe Soto

 
Props to Fightlinker for screen-capping the latest dose of brilliance from War Machine‘s infamously retarded MySpace blog/bulletins, for the benefit of those of us who aren’t subscribed. Basically, he calls President Obama a "rich white guy," a "rich faggot," and says that Obama is not one of "THE PEOPLE." Also, he kind of implies that someone should assassinate him. (Secret Service, are you getting all this?) Sounds like a classic case of Nader-supporter sour grapes. But wait, there’s more:

That’s a good start, War, but we’d also add:
1) Fuck a Cheney for showing up to yesterday’s inauguration looking like a broke-ass Jeffrey Lebowski.
2) Fuck a Palin for not bringing in the LARPer vote.
3) Fuck a Jon Koppenhaver for legally changing his name to War Machine then venting idiotic hostility via his MySpace page like some high-school fat girl.
4) Fuck a War Machine’s parents for not hugging him enough as a child.

(Photo courtesy of Daniel Herbertson Photography.)

Many American fans may only know Yoshiyuki Yoshida as the guy who barely broke a sweat choking out the man now legally known as War Machine back at UFC 84, but on Wednesday the Japanese welterweight enters into his second UFC fight against Josh Koscheck at “Fight for the Troops” on Spike TV.  Not only is it a significant step up in level of competition, it’s also bound to be hostile territory for Yoshida, considering he’s facing an American (okay, it’s Koscheck, but still) in front of an audience of American military personnel.

In this exclusive Cage Potato interview, Yoshida (with the help of a translator) talks about what he’s expecting from Koscheck on Wednesday night, and where he sees himself in the UFC’s welterweight division.

CagePotato.com: Thank you for taking the time to talk with us.  Against a guy like Koscheck, who’s known for having great wrestling skills and good conditioning, how have you been preparing yourself for this fight?

I began training for this fight about two months ago.  I’ve been doing a lot of sparring and running in the mornings, and at night I usually work on my boxing, hitting mitts, and trying to improve my technical skills and my strength.  I’m in great shape for this fight, probably the best shape I’ve ever been in, and I’ll be ready for him.

What’s your strategy for dealing with Koscheck’s wrestling ability?

I understand he is a very good wrestler.  There is no question about that.  I’m not going to try and beat him that way, by outwrestling him.  But one of my strengths is my judo, so I plan on using his aggressiveness against him by implementing my judo skills when he looks for a clinch or a takedown.

Since the fight is a benefit for American soldiers, it’s probably safe to say that you will not be the crowd favorite in this one.  Does that enter into your mind at all, and what are your feelings on that?

(Mr. and Mrs. New York Bad Ass)

Congratulations, you crazy kids. I hope she knows what she’s getting herself into. Check out the full wedding photo gallery at Combat Lifestyle. You can even play the classic game: Where’s War Machine? It’s the game where, when you win, you immediately wish you’d never played.

If there’s one thing I love about Cage Potato readers, it’s that ya’ll some sympathetic motherfuckers. Big props to reader BPD for creating and sending me this e-card. It brightened the shit out of my day. For that, BPD, I thank you. For those of you curious as to how you can waste your own time creating hilarious MMA-themed greeting cards, check out someecards.com. My creation, which is admittedly inferior to BPD’s, is after the jump. Feel free to include links to yours in the comments section.

(Fail Machine. Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle.)

Bad news for the fighter whose momma named him Jon Koppenhaver: The UFC has decided to fire “War Machine” due to an insensitive blog post he made in the wake of Evan Tanner’s death, as well as his refusal to take a fight with an Octagon newbie. Machine confirmed his cut with MMA Junkie.

Following the tragic news of Evan Tanner’s death, Machine posted the following on his infamous MySpace blog:

No one is sure yet but it sounds like it was a suicide. Sad thing is that it makes sense. What else is an UNDERPAID fighter supposed to do at the end of his career?
Cash in his 401K? Collect social security? Start to work some shitty job for 10 bucks an hour?
Shit ain’t boxing and if you’re not Chuck Liddell or Tito Ortiz you don’t get paid dick.
Wasn’t like he made MILLIONS and blew it all like Mike Tyson, this guy fought his entire life and didn’t have shit.
No wonder why he took off to the woods.
Prolly reminisced on the days when he was champ, the days when growing old didn’t matter and took his life.
Severe depression plagues MANY fighters at the end of their careers. Mark my words when I say that “HE MAY BE THE FIRST, BUT HE ISN’T THE LAST.”

Machine removed the posting when it was reported that Tanner’s death didn’t appear to be a suicide, but he told MMA Junkie that he still kinda believes that it was:

“I still believe in my heart it was a suicide…maybe he didn’t shoot himself in the head, but I think he went up there maybe with plans not to come back…He was depressed, guaranteed. He had just lost to Kendall [Grove]. He was getting older. He knows he has no retirement plan. He had nothing, dude. That could be the outcome for a lot of fighters, myself included. I for damn sure guarantee you that if I’m in my 40s and I didn’t make enough money and I don’t have my own gym to support myself or whatever, I’ll probably kill myself too.”

Of course, his firing appears to be equally motivated by an ill-advised clash with UFC matchmaker Joe Silva.

(Your eyes do not deceive you — that is indeed an armpit-hair tattoo.)

I don’t know if I should call bullshit on this one, but it’s being reported as actual news, so here goes. The UFC fighter and TUF 6 castmember formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver has legally changed his name to “War Machine” — which was previously his nickname — due to a trademark dispute with TNA Wrestling. As Machine wrote recently on his friends-only MySpace blog:

Subject: Funny ass shit!

SO in case you didn’t notice in my last fight the UFC did NOT use my nickname when I fought. Turns out some gay ass wrestling federation threatened to sue them because they recently named one of their wrestlers The War Machine Rhino and trademarked the name.

Too fuckin’ bad that I have been using this name for 6 years, have it tatted on my body and it is what my fans yell out when I’m fighting.

If you know my personality then you know damn well I am not gonna let some faggot ass, FAKE wrestler steal MY name..
SO 6 weeks ago I filed a change of name request and today I had court to make my name officially WAR MACHINE.

lol
Fuckin’ funny right? Didn’t really wanna have to do it but I am sure as hell not lose MY nickname.

Time for a nap.

WM

You may remember War Machine’s MySpace blog as the venue in which he expressed his desire to move to the Philippines so he could kill and fornicate as much as he wanted to. Meaning, the name change shouldn’t be that much of a surprise. We just can’t wait until Bruce Buffer has to announce it. And does this mean they have to change his name in the video game, too? Oh War Machine, why must you be such a rebel?

(Props to Rob P. for the heads up, and riceavenger for the full MySpace message)

By far the wildest and bloodiest match of Saturday’s Ultimate Fighter 6 finale, John Koppenhaver and Jared Rollins’s three-round demolition derby was the people’s choice for fight of the night. Koppenhaver dominated from the top position in the first round, but took a truly nasty barrage of elbows to the head in the process. With both fighters leaking blood, Rollins took control in the second frame, raining down punishment from above, pressuring War Machine with choke attempts, and coming very close to a TKO-by-strikes victory. And then this happened:

Any other referee would have stopped the fight at the 3:33 mark. Luckily for John Koppenhaver, Steve Mazzagatti is a sadistic maniac.

In a remarkable display of balls, Tommy Speer dominated Jon “War Machine” Koppenhaver in last night’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter, despite an early cut that had full pints of blood squirting from his forehead. As Matt Serra shouted in his charming Lawn Guyland accent, “He’s bleedin’ like a pig, War!” Unfortunately for Team Serra, the fight would not be decided on blood loss alone.