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Tag: War Machine

War Machine Big House Blog 13: Guard Beatings, Herpes and Pirates

("Maybe if I give myself a black eye nobody will notice.")

I gotta be honest, War Machine’s blogs are starting to seem a bit halfhearted these days.

Maybe we need to get someone on the inside a la Michael Scofield to shake things up a bit. Do we have any unemployed  members of the Potato Nation in San Diego with eight months to spare who are looking to make a few bucks?

I don’t know if I can stand to read about War’s herpes outbreaks and the number of continuous push-ups he can do for the next eight months, so we would make it worth your while.

Here’s the latest, and arguably the most disinterested prison journal entry to date by the fighter once known as "little Jonny Koppenhaver" after the jump.


The Tuesday Afternoon Rumor Funhouse

Chuck Liddell Tito Ortiz UFC MMA
(Ortiz and Liddell will settle their grudge once and for all on New Year’s Eve…OR WILL THEY?? / Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle)

One of my weekly MMA must-reads is the "Sunday Morning Rumor Mill" column on MiddleEasy, which features a bunch of juicy stories that just might be true. In homage to our pals, we’d like to start a similar feature on CagePotato — except ours will work a little differently. Of the eight items you see below, seven have been pulled directly out of our asses. The other one is absolutely, positively, 100% true, and has been confirmed by inside sources. Which one is it? We’d rather not say, due to legal reasons. You’ll have to figure it out yourself…

– Vinicius Quieroz wasn’t the only fighter who was caught by the UFC’s independent drug-testing at UFC 120. There was a second guy who pissed hot for the same steroid, but the company decided to let him off with a private (but very stern) warning. Hint: Main card, but not main event.

Arianny Celeste has been dating a former UFC fighter for the past year, but has kept the relationship hidden from the public, in order to protect the fantasy that she’s "available" to her fans. We can’t reveal her boyfriend’s name, but his initials are Tiki Ghosn.


War Machine Big House Blogs 11 and 12: Hating on Brock, Hanging with Dana and Killing time in the Clink

(War and his cellmate "Dana White" pose with a fellow inmate at the prison prom.)

Time sure flies when you’re not behind bars.

Here we are already at month four of War Machine’s county jail journey.

It seems like only yesterday, he was on the outside bar brawling and tweeting about his views of the world.

Now he spends his days reading, masturbating and playing scrabble with imaginary incarnations of UFC fighters and personalities.

Without giving away too much from the latest releases from his memoirs, War’s reaction to a victim of suicide he mentions in one of his two latest blogs was a bit off, but what else can be expected from a dude who tweets Dana White that he’s imagining him in his cell just before he rubs one out?

And we thought we were going to have a hard time getting back in The Baldfather’s good books.

Here’s what the new age philosopher formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver got into the past two weeks after the jump:


War Machine Big House Blogs 9 and 10: Fan Mail, Uniting Nations and Scrabble With Imaginary Fighters

("Instead of another grenade, I just wanted a huge pull-pin on this side to symbolize me blowing my own mind.")

Sometimes we get so caught up in our everyday lives that we forget about life’s little pleasures — like War Machine waxing poetically about the universe and his prison experiences.

It’s sad to say, but I’m almost more interested in reading his blog than I am watching him fight. Chalk it up to my ADHD and my fascination with Machine’s bizarre take on life, but I enjoy reading about his latest exploits behind bars.

In the latest double installment, the little scamp America fell in love with on TUF 6 when he still went by Jon Koppenhaver broaches a number of pressing issues like how he bridged his block’s racial gap, why he got thrown in segregation and couldn’t post last week and how he passes the time playing Scrabble with imaginary versions of past and present UFC fighters.

Nelson Mandela ain’t got nothin’ on War Machine.

Check out War’s latest deep thoughts and shenanigans after the jump.


War Machine Big House Blog Number 8: Manscaping, Hep C and Denial Sinking In

(War enjoying the only action he’ll get for the next nine months.)

I’m not sure how War Machine did it, but he posted a blog last week that slipped through the cracks and didn’t get picked up by anyone in the MMA blogosphere.

The latest entry details the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver’s obsessive masturbation, how it felt to shave his junk for the first time in three months and the trials of being in the clink like the risk of Hepatitis C and keeping his nose clean.

One of the more interesting bits touches on how Machine has captured the hearts of the guards who feel that he got a raw deal in his case and now he is actually beginning to think that he didn’t do anything wrong, which I hear is a recurring theme amongst felons.

Check out what extra fruity adventures WM got into last week after the jump.


War Machine Big House Blogs 5, 6 and 7: Gay Cellmates, Snitching and the Beef With Junie Browning

(War’s lucky his cellmate didn’t see his Ebay ad.)

Well, it looks like War Machine has kept true to his word that he was going to stay out of trouble while in the clink.

Detailing his last four weeks in jail, the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver avoided a brawl and had the self control to not beat his gay cellmate who insinuated that he wanted War to be his daddy.

In this packed edition of the embattled fighter’s Big House Blogs tm, the UFC outcast talks about wanting to fight fellow UFC outcast Junie Browning and snitching on some fellow inmates, which hopefully won’t get back to them like his stories of debauchery behind bars did the DA.

Here’s what Machine has been up to since the last time he checked in:

So another fake ass back stabber gets added to the list: Steve Bruno. Him and Junie Browning both have volunteered to be stepping stones on my climb back to the UFC.

On a different note, my old celly is gone. I hope he is able to stay clean and out of trouble. Funny shit is my new celly is GAY! LOL! He’s been in the same module as me the whole time but I never knew it! Now that he lives with me he knows that I’m not a homo-phobe so he told me and holy shit! You wouldn’t believe the stories. I asked him if he’s got any "action" and he’s hooked up with two guys since I’ve been here. Crazy part is one was this skinhead guy and the other a young dude who actually had a hot girlfriend, I saw her at a visit. I wonder if she knows!? Weird, I guess you never know how people are behind closed doors. It’s a trip though. Whatever, it doesn’t bother me as long as no one pulls none of that gay shit on me! lol.


CagePotato Comments of the Week: NSFW

War Machine porn MMA
("I’m sorry, Jenny, but my heart belongs to another.")

Great work in the comments section this week, you guys. There were a few lines in particular that we felt were worthy of recognition — and CagePotato t-shirts — but we have to warn you, some of this stuff gets a little blue. So tell your kids to leave the room, and read on…


War Machine Big House Blog 4&5: Mooches, Masturbation and Sex with a Sandwich

(When War gets his photos done at Sears, he always turns to the side out of habit.)

Apparently most MMA outlets were like us in thinking that since War Machine got sat down by the District Attorney in his case who used his tweets about drugs and booze against him, that the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver was done with Twitter since nobody has written anything about him in a while.

I hadn’t checked out Machine’s page in a while, but it came up as a friend suggestion on my personal account the other day, so I clicked it and was pleasantly surprised that he is back blogging about his exploits in jail.

I’ve got to admit, I was kind of disappointed with the latest edition. I clicked on it expecting to read about how to make a shank out of a toothbrush and instead, I get War talking about how often he masturbates and how he’s thinking of fucking a bologna sandwich. Remind me never so eat lunch with him if I interview him in person after his release (no pun intended).

Maybe it’s because his lawyer is censoring his posts, but last week’s entry seems somewhat subdued.

Here’s what’s going on with War Machine who has only been behind bars one month, which means we only have 48 more of these recaps.


War Machine Sentenced to One Year in Jail, Three Years Probation; Avoids State Prison

(When you’re name’s War Machine, you’re likely never getting the benefit of the doubt)

Embattled former UFC welterweight War Machine avoided state prison Tuesday, but was sentenced by a judge to serve the remainder of a one-year sentence in county jail, whereupon he will be on probation for three years and will be prohibited from consuming alcohol during that period (so much for drinking toilet wine). The news comes courtesy of NBC San Diego.

Prior to his sentencing yesterday, the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver gave the judge a three-page letter pleading his case in which he stated that he has met some bad people in jail and doesn’t want to end up on the same life path as them.

"I’ve made some stupid mistakes in my life,” War Machine told the judge. "I’m not a bad person. I’ve tried the hard way my whole life. It’s not working. I’m done with that."


War Machine’s Big House Blog Number Three: Murderers, Moonshine and Mexican Mr. Magoo

("Screw you, society. Jail ain’t so bad after all.")

Considering I also picked Chael Sonnen to win Saturday night, I got an eerily similar empty feeling when I read War Machine’s latest "Big House Blog" and learned that my proclamation that he wouldn’t get through three weeks without getting into some kind of tomfoolery didn’t come to fruition.

I thought for sure that  alcohol+War Machine = spitbag and handcuffs, but apparently the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver has matured behind bars and instead of scrapping anyone and everyone after consuming his IQ in Jagerbombs, he has taken to sipping his toilet wine while engaging in stimulating conversation with murderous Somalian Muslims.

Who knew jail would have such a good influence on War?