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Tag: War Machine

CagePotato Comments of the Week: NSFW

War Machine porn MMA
("I’m sorry, Jenny, but my heart belongs to another.")

Great work in the comments section this week, you guys. There were a few lines in particular that we felt were worthy of recognition — and CagePotato t-shirts — but we have to warn you, some of this stuff gets a little blue. So tell your kids to leave the room, and read on…


War Machine Big House Blog 4&5: Mooches, Masturbation and Sex with a Sandwich

(When War gets his photos done at Sears, he always turns to the side out of habit.)

Apparently most MMA outlets were like us in thinking that since War Machine got sat down by the District Attorney in his case who used his tweets about drugs and booze against him, that the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver was done with Twitter since nobody has written anything about him in a while.

I hadn’t checked out Machine’s page in a while, but it came up as a friend suggestion on my personal account the other day, so I clicked it and was pleasantly surprised that he is back blogging about his exploits in jail.

I’ve got to admit, I was kind of disappointed with the latest edition. I clicked on it expecting to read about how to make a shank out of a toothbrush and instead, I get War talking about how often he masturbates and how he’s thinking of fucking a bologna sandwich. Remind me never so eat lunch with him if I interview him in person after his release (no pun intended).

Maybe it’s because his lawyer is censoring his posts, but last week’s entry seems somewhat subdued.

Here’s what’s going on with War Machine who has only been behind bars one month, which means we only have 48 more of these recaps.


War Machine Sentenced to One Year in Jail, Three Years Probation; Avoids State Prison

(When you’re name’s War Machine, you’re likely never getting the benefit of the doubt)

Embattled former UFC welterweight War Machine avoided state prison Tuesday, but was sentenced by a judge to serve the remainder of a one-year sentence in county jail, whereupon he will be on probation for three years and will be prohibited from consuming alcohol during that period (so much for drinking toilet wine). The news comes courtesy of NBC San Diego.

Prior to his sentencing yesterday, the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver gave the judge a three-page letter pleading his case in which he stated that he has met some bad people in jail and doesn’t want to end up on the same life path as them.

"I’ve made some stupid mistakes in my life,” War Machine told the judge. "I’m not a bad person. I’ve tried the hard way my whole life. It’s not working. I’m done with that."


War Machine’s Big House Blog Number Three: Murderers, Moonshine and Mexican Mr. Magoo

("Screw you, society. Jail ain’t so bad after all.")

Considering I also picked Chael Sonnen to win Saturday night, I got an eerily similar empty feeling when I read War Machine’s latest "Big House Blog" and learned that my proclamation that he wouldn’t get through three weeks without getting into some kind of tomfoolery didn’t come to fruition.

I thought for sure that  alcohol+War Machine = spitbag and handcuffs, but apparently the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver has matured behind bars and instead of scrapping anyone and everyone after consuming his IQ in Jagerbombs, he has taken to sipping his toilet wine while engaging in stimulating conversation with murderous Somalian Muslims.

Who knew jail would have such a good influence on War?


War Machine’s Big House Blog Number Two: Scrabble, Sex Deprivation and Sage Advice

(Scrabble? I pictured War Machine as more of a Tiddly Winks kind of guy.)

Well, War Machine got through his second week in the clink without any controversy, which is nearly as surprising as Paulo Filho making it to his scheduled Impact FC appearance.

Other than getting ripped off for his phone credits, Machine’s week, which mostly consisted of reading and taking advice from convicted felons, was relatively serene, but considering he has 50 weeks remaining in his one-year sentence, we’re not holding our collective breath that things won’t go sideways at some point in the near future.


War Machine Survives First Week in Prison, Hopes to Avoid ‘Lame Drama’

War Machine MMA David Mitchell
("It’s not you, homey, I was just thinking of something funny that happened earlier." Photo courtesy of Sherdog)

Thanks to his most recent bar brawl, former UFC fighter War Machine has been keepin’ it real in San Diego Central Jail since July 16th, where he’ll be stuck for a year. (Or less, with good behavior. So probably about a year.) Luckily, that won’t stop the adult film star from updating his fans about his life and observations. Relaying messages to a friend on the outside, Machine was able to send out the following missive late last night. From WarMachine170 via MissRARA:

What’s up guys!? I’m gonna do a weekly blog for this year while I’m locked up. Just want to keep y’all posted and give you some insight on what it’s like here for me. When I first got here I was told I was gonna be kept in segregation to pretect myself since I’m a "celebrity." I told them NO WAY! 23 hours a day lockdown? FUCK THAT! So they stuck me in the "mainline." They classified me a 5 on a scale 1-6 so I’m with the big dogs. Everyone here has been to prison. Few guys in my unit are murderers waiting to be shipped out to prison for life. Funny, kinda odd, but they are the most friendly of the bunch… Most intelligent too. Hardest thing about this place is finding people you can have a decent conversation with.


Couldn’t Happen to a Nicer Guy Alert: War Machine Choked Out in Final Fight Before Jail Stint

(Life ain’t always easy for a “true Alpha male.” The world is so chock-full of motherfuckers just begging you to punch them in the face that sometimes it’s hard to keep a clear head. Pic Props: Sherdog)

If you followed War Machine’s various Twitter ramblings during the last couple of weeks, you had to fear the worst for Our Hero in his fight with John Alessio at Tachi Palace Fights 5 on Friday. There was way too much tweeting about boozing, pill popping and hopes for impending civil war going on for War to be truly focused on training. Not to mention that next week he’s due to report for a one year stay in the San Diego County sneezer for violating his probation in a self-described “lame bar fight.”


Friday Afternoon Link Dump: War Machine is Going to the Big House

<(Forget Randy Couture and fancy gym equipment; Shane Carwin trains in the desert…the fucking desert!)

– War Machine Tweets that he’s going to the big house for a year (Twitlonger)

– Scott Coker says Shields’ self-perceived value isn’t realistic (MMAFighting)

– CP contributing blogger/fighter Rich Attonito talks wanting to smash Yager’s face Saturday night (MMAJunkie)

– Video footage of War Machine’s bar brawl (MiddleEasy)

– Strikeforce: Fedor vs. Werdum conference call notes (Heavy)

– UFC 115 hat stealer makes ESPN’s "Not Top 10 List (MMAJunkie)

– 25 horrible fake tans (Break)

– ‘Scarface’ in 50 seconds (ScreenJunkies)

– Best American wives and girlfriends (WAGS) (Chickipedia)

– British model Daisy Lowe pics (HolyTaco)

– Need to know home improvement tips (MadeMan)

– LOL race pics (AllLeftTurns)

– Medal of Honour trailer (FileFront)

– Unearthly cleavage (Ebaumsworld)


Fight of the Day: War Machine vs. Zach Light

(Props: snakerattle79)

As you might have heard, MMA fighter/frequent assault suspect War Machine (11-3) was back in action a couple weekends ago at BAMMA 3 in England, where he finished Zach Light (6-10) by first-round rear-naked choke; the video is above. Yes, Light has a losing record, so maybe it’s not the most impressive victory for War. Still, Light is a former two-time All American wrestler and works as a coach at Wolfslair — where he assists in the training of fighters like Quinton Jackson, Michael Bisping, and Cheick Kongo — so at least he’s a well-qualified pushover.

The match was particularly special for War Machine because it marked his first fight after giving up the porn biz and becoming a Christian. As he tweeted: "I had planned on doing what I ALWAYS use to make fun of…thank God after the fight on the mic but in the excitement of things I forgot! Makes me feel bad. So I’m gonna thank him now for protecting me both physically and mentally while both preparing and fighting." To which God tweeted back. "I had nothing to do with that, now leave me alone you psycho."


War Machine, Petruzelli Pick Up Wins in UK

("I don’t need a passport, bro. I’ve got something even better.")

The artist formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver was inexplicably allowed to leave the country this weekend and on Saturday celebrated by defeating Zach Light via first-round rear naked choke at BAMMA 3 in Birmingham, England. Now it seems like he’s having some trouble getting back, according to his Twitter. (Editor’s Note: You go ahead and keep him, England. Seriously.)

Fellow UFC washout (and the first fighter to snatch away the veil to reveal Kimbo Slice’s canliness) Seth Petruzelli also got a win, locking on an arm bar just a minute, seven seconds into his fight against Ryan White. Petruzelli billed himself as "The Kimbo Conqueror" for this engagement, apparently hoping ships bearing news that Slice is now officially washed up had not yet arrived from The New World.