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Tag: War Machine

War Machine’s Big House Blog Number Two: Scrabble, Sex Deprivation and Sage Advice

(Scrabble? I pictured War Machine as more of a Tiddly Winks kind of guy.)

Well, War Machine got through his second week in the clink without any controversy, which is nearly as surprising as Paulo Filho making it to his scheduled Impact FC appearance.

Other than getting ripped off for his phone credits, Machine’s week, which mostly consisted of reading and taking advice from convicted felons, was relatively serene, but considering he has 50 weeks remaining in his one-year sentence, we’re not holding our collective breath that things won’t go sideways at some point in the near future.


War Machine Survives First Week in Prison, Hopes to Avoid ‘Lame Drama’

War Machine MMA David Mitchell
("It’s not you, homey, I was just thinking of something funny that happened earlier." Photo courtesy of Sherdog)

Thanks to his most recent bar brawl, former UFC fighter War Machine has been keepin’ it real in San Diego Central Jail since July 16th, where he’ll be stuck for a year. (Or less, with good behavior. So probably about a year.) Luckily, that won’t stop the adult film star from updating his fans about his life and observations. Relaying messages to a friend on the outside, Machine was able to send out the following missive late last night. From WarMachine170 via MissRARA:

What’s up guys!? I’m gonna do a weekly blog for this year while I’m locked up. Just want to keep y’all posted and give you some insight on what it’s like here for me. When I first got here I was told I was gonna be kept in segregation to pretect myself since I’m a "celebrity." I told them NO WAY! 23 hours a day lockdown? FUCK THAT! So they stuck me in the "mainline." They classified me a 5 on a scale 1-6 so I’m with the big dogs. Everyone here has been to prison. Few guys in my unit are murderers waiting to be shipped out to prison for life. Funny, kinda odd, but they are the most friendly of the bunch… Most intelligent too. Hardest thing about this place is finding people you can have a decent conversation with.


Couldn’t Happen to a Nicer Guy Alert: War Machine Choked Out in Final Fight Before Jail Stint

(Life ain’t always easy for a “true Alpha male.” The world is so chock-full of motherfuckers just begging you to punch them in the face that sometimes it’s hard to keep a clear head. Pic Props: Sherdog)

If you followed War Machine’s various Twitter ramblings during the last couple of weeks, you had to fear the worst for Our Hero in his fight with John Alessio at Tachi Palace Fights 5 on Friday. There was way too much tweeting about boozing, pill popping and hopes for impending civil war going on for War to be truly focused on training. Not to mention that next week he’s due to report for a one year stay in the San Diego County sneezer for violating his probation in a self-described “lame bar fight.”


Friday Afternoon Link Dump: War Machine is Going to the Big House

<(Forget Randy Couture and fancy gym equipment; Shane Carwin trains in the desert…the fucking desert!)

– War Machine Tweets that he’s going to the big house for a year (Twitlonger)

– Scott Coker says Shields’ self-perceived value isn’t realistic (MMAFighting)

– CP contributing blogger/fighter Rich Attonito talks wanting to smash Yager’s face Saturday night (MMAJunkie)

– Video footage of War Machine’s bar brawl (MiddleEasy)

– Strikeforce: Fedor vs. Werdum conference call notes (Heavy)

– UFC 115 hat stealer makes ESPN’s "Not Top 10 List (MMAJunkie)

– 25 horrible fake tans (Break)

– ‘Scarface’ in 50 seconds (ScreenJunkies)

– Best American wives and girlfriends (WAGS) (Chickipedia)

– British model Daisy Lowe pics (HolyTaco)

– Need to know home improvement tips (MadeMan)

– LOL race pics (AllLeftTurns)

– Medal of Honour trailer (FileFront)

– Unearthly cleavage (Ebaumsworld)


Fight of the Day: War Machine vs. Zach Light

(Props: snakerattle79)

As you might have heard, MMA fighter/frequent assault suspect War Machine (11-3) was back in action a couple weekends ago at BAMMA 3 in England, where he finished Zach Light (6-10) by first-round rear-naked choke; the video is above. Yes, Light has a losing record, so maybe it’s not the most impressive victory for War. Still, Light is a former two-time All American wrestler and works as a coach at Wolfslair — where he assists in the training of fighters like Quinton Jackson, Michael Bisping, and Cheick Kongo — so at least he’s a well-qualified pushover.

The match was particularly special for War Machine because it marked his first fight after giving up the porn biz and becoming a Christian. As he tweeted: "I had planned on doing what I ALWAYS use to make fun of…thank God after the fight on the mic but in the excitement of things I forgot! Makes me feel bad. So I’m gonna thank him now for protecting me both physically and mentally while both preparing and fighting." To which God tweeted back. "I had nothing to do with that, now leave me alone you psycho."


War Machine, Petruzelli Pick Up Wins in UK

("I don’t need a passport, bro. I’ve got something even better.")

The artist formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver was inexplicably allowed to leave the country this weekend and on Saturday celebrated by defeating Zach Light via first-round rear naked choke at BAMMA 3 in Birmingham, England. Now it seems like he’s having some trouble getting back, according to his Twitter. (Editor’s Note: You go ahead and keep him, England. Seriously.)

Fellow UFC washout (and the first fighter to snatch away the veil to reveal Kimbo Slice’s canliness) Seth Petruzelli also got a win, locking on an arm bar just a minute, seven seconds into his fight against Ryan White. Petruzelli billed himself as "The Kimbo Conqueror" for this engagement, apparently hoping ships bearing news that Slice is now officially washed up had not yet arrived from The New World.


Friday Link Dump

(King Mo tries, unsuccessfully, to get Mousasi to do something interesting.)

– Strikeforce: Nashville weigh-in results. (Heavy)

– Kurt Pellegrino’s guide to getting autographs from fighters. (

– Dana White, BJ Penn at odds over new book. (The Rumble)

– War Machine not fighting this weekend, and the promoter is pissed. (TMZ)

– Mousasi re-signs two-year deal with Strikeforce. (Sherdog)

– Ben Askren’s funky finish. (Fight Magazine)

– The first pictures of Shinya Aoki in EA Sports MMA. (Middle Easy)

– Shields ready to let his fighting do the talking. (Cagewriter)

– 10 fighters who could drop a weight class. (Bleacher Report)

– Phillies fan makes a great catch. (Total Pro Sports)

– 5 favorite GIFs for a Friday afternoon. (Maxim)

– Police officer in Roethlisberger case resigns. (Scores Report)

– Church erects Jesus painting with foot-tall penis. (Asylum)

– A detective film at its finest. (Ask Men)

– 25 insane book covers. (Holy Taco)

– 10 films begging for a sequel. (Screen Junkies)

– 6 literary heroes you should know. (Made Man)

– Samsung 500 odds. (All Left Turns)

– Crazy opening day fight at Dodgers-Marlins game. (Nothing Toxic)


Yep, War Machine Got Arrested Again

(War Machine is the guy under the ‘spit bag.’ Not a place you ever really want to be unless you’re a weirdo performance artist.)

There comes a time when you have to look at the choices a guy makes and shake your head slowly while saying: God. Dammit. For the former UFC fighter and porn actor known as War Machine, that time is now. TMZ reports that Mr. Machine was arrested for assault yet again last night in San Diego, and this time there may have been a “deadly weapon” involved.  This follows a violent episode at a porn party in November, and an arrest outside a gay club in Las Vegas in February of 2009.  Are you beginning to see a pattern of behavior emerge?  

There’s no word yet on what the weapon might have been, or what exactly happened in Thrusters Lounge that led to War and another person fighting with bouncers when police pulled up to the scene, but Machine reportedly fled from police before being tracked down and covered up with one of those fun little spit bags. You know, like in “Con Air.”

What makes this recent arrest even more disappointing/sadly predictable, is that War Machine just finished telling that he had decided to stop being “a wild man” and get his act together. And when we say ‘just finished,’ we mean two days ago:


CagePotato Comments of the Week

Miesha Tate MMA fighter sexy ass
(We weren’t sure what to put up at the top of this post, so we figured, hey, Miesha Tate’s ass, right guys? Photo courtesy of Fight! Magazine.)

Praise Crom it’s Friday! Time to shout out our favorite members of the peanut gallery… 

chamby on "War Machine Returning to MMA in April, Still Out His Damn Mind": I wish that grenade on his neck would blow up already

Aptninja on "Photo Gallery: 17 Amazing MMA Event Posters"(@skeletor) Sperm sometimes move toward an egg rather than the space bar.

ReX13 on "Heads-Up: Win a $200 MMA Warehouse Gear Package in This Week’s FightPicker Prize Pools"(@JoseMonkey) Don’t think i won’t put on this entire outfit and run errands, including stopping at the bank, where i will refuse to take out my mouthpiece while i converse with the tellers. Despite the fact that i have hands so dimunitive that i refuse to go to Burger King, i will not remove my gloves. I will grasp the pen-on-a-chain with an overhand stabby grip and scrawl an approximation of my name, and mumble about "fucking staph" while they count out stacks of ones, per my request. When i am bid a good day, i will grunt the words "protein", "gym", "train", "appreciate your help and have a lovely afternoon", or some combination of preceding, and i will stalk out. I hope the rash guard won’t cover the awesome tribal armband i have planned. If you want to quit being a pencilneck, feel free to come by my gym, Keyboard Warrior, and ask for a free month’s membership (promotional code: Tap, Nap, or Snap).

Goog on "Tito Ortiz Rumorwatch: Now It’s a Neck Injury": "I tattooed my fathe, beat the pith out of Robin Giventh, and thquandered over 300 million dollarth and I’m thtill not the biggest douchebag in thith photo."

If your name has been called, please send your real name, address, and shirt size to, and we’ll send you a Devil Horns tee to you at some point in the near-to-distant future. 


War Machine Returning to MMA in April, Still Out His Damn Mind

(Fuck a period of quiet reflection.)

Just a quick note to alert those of you who live in or around Duluth, Georgia that your local crazy quotient may see an alarming spike about a month from now. The fighter/pornographic thespian known as War Machine is going to be taking on Aaron “Tex” Johnson at Wild Bill’s Fight Night on April 17. Before we could even wonder how his training for this fight is progressing, Mr. Machine filled us in via his Twitter: “Hmm…maybe I should train a lil’ for the fight huh? I wonder if I could win if I don’t train…Hmmmm….what if I just dream of training?”

As you see, War is the same as he ever was, and his Twitter account confirms that his mental unraveling is still ongoing. For example, in the last 72 hours he’s posted about what a “bitch” Jamie Varner is, claimed to have gotten drunk and carved his fiancé’s initials into his arm (an update that ended with “Fcuk it so drunk!”), declared “Fuck the US!”,“Fuck Haiti!”, and, in a screed not directed at any particular person, dropped this little Twitter gem: