(Short version: We’re going to pretend this fight never happened, just like we’re going to pretend marijuana is a performance-enhancing drug. / Photo via MMAFighting.com)

The greatest night of Pat Healy‘s career has been retroactively changed to some old bullshit. Following his fantastic rear-naked choke victory over Jim Miller last month at UFC 159 — which earned Healy Fight of the Night and Submission of the Night awards totaling $130,000 — “Bam Bam” failed his drug test, coming up positive for marijuana. As a result, Healy’s win has been changed to a no-contest, he’s been suspended from competition from 90 days, and he’s being forced to return the aforementioned $130k in bonus money and his $5,000 win bonus.

Healy confirmed the news in an official statement:

“I would like to start off by apologizing to the UFC, Jim Miller, the MMA community, it’s fans, my family, teammates and coaches for my positive testing for marijuana after my UFC 159 fight with Jim Miller. I was fully aware of the UFC and State Commission’s drug policies and made poor life choices. I stand behind the UFC and the State Commission’s disciplinary actions. I support efforts to make MMA and sports a clean, safe and fair place to compete…

(Alex asks that you respect his privacy at this time, and would like to state for the record that Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos were originally his idea. / Photo via MMAWeekly)

And the hits just keep coming, folks. In the immediate wake of Lavar Johnson’s apparent steroid bust after UFC 157, two more fighters have been flagged for failed drug tests following their performances at UFC on FUEL 8: Silva vs. Stann. With no regulating body in place, UFC officials oversaw the testing of fighters at the March 3rd event in Saitama, Japan.

First up on the naughty list is Alex “Bruce Leroy” Caceres, who tested positive for marijuana metabolites after his split-decision win over Kyung Ho Kang during the UFC on FUEL 8 prelims. Caceres will be suspended six months, and must attend drug rehabilitation classes and pass a drug test before he’s allowed to return. Furthermore, his victory over Kang — which would have been his third-straight in the UFC — has been changed to a no-contest. Caceres joins Matt Riddle, Thiago Silva, Dave Herman, Nick Diaz, and Nick Diaz’s friends in the growing list of publicly-outed potheads.

Also caught in the latest drug-sweep was Japanese middleweight Riki Fukuda, who lost a decision to Brad Tavares on the night in question. According to MMAJunkie, Fukuda tested positive for the banned stimulants phenylpropanolamine (never heard of it), norpseudoephedrine (never heard of it), and ephedrine (love that stuff). Sadly, Fukuda isn’t getting off with a suspension — he’s already been released by the UFC. The loss to Tavares dropped Fukuda’s Octagon record to 2-3, with all fights going the distance.

Damn…steroids, weed, and uppers in the same day — or as we like to call it, “The Tijuana Triathlon.” Get your shit together, UFC fighters.

(“Yeah, well you tested positive for gingervitis, so suck it.” Props: Tracy Lee/Cagewriter)

When Jake Shields tested positive for having a banned substance in his system during his UFC 150 fight against Ed Herman last August, we assumed that the no-no substance was of the weed variety. Given some of his training partners and friends, it made perfect sense.

Here’s the thing: The sanctioning body of that fight, the Colorado Boxing Commission, never specified which banned substance Shields tested positive for. But Herman, who Shields beat by decision before the fight was changed to a No Contest, isn’t buying the marijuana story.

“I think Colorado is one of the HIPAA privacy states where they weren’t allowed to release what he tested positive for. I’m pretty sure it was for some type of performance enhancing substance, just by looking at his physique going in to the fight,” Herman told Bloody Elbow recently.

A lil Mary Jane to relax before fighting another trained professional is one thing, according to Herman, because, you know, all the cool kids do it. But “Short Fuse” is coming right out and accusing Shields of being more ‘roid monkey than stoner kid in an apparent effort to discredit him.

“He looked pretty puffed up and exhibited the common signs. As an athlete, you can recognize those signs. I can’t guarantee it, but I’m pretty positive that it was for some kind of performance enhancing drug. If it really was for marijuana, it’s a lot easier for a guy to come right out and say, ‘I smoked a joint, sorry,’” Herman continued to narc.

(Huh. I always figured Thiago was more of a PCP guy. / Photo via Sherdog)

For a brief moment, Thiago Silva‘s submission of Stanislav Nedkov at UFC on FUEL: Franklin vs. Le looked like a redemptive moment. The Brazilian light-heavyweight had his back against the wall thanks to a one-year suspension for trying to cheat a drug test, followed by a unanimous deicison loss to Alexander Gustafsson. Beating the undefeated Nedkov meant that Silva was finally heading in the right direction.

Well screw all that, because the dude just threw his own career under the bus again. The UFC released the following statement this evening:

“Thiago Silva tested positive for marijuana metabolites following his bout at UFC on FUEL TV in Macau. The UFC organization has a strict, consistent policy against the use of any illegal and/or performance-enhancing drugs, stimulants or masking agents. Silva has admitted to taking the banned substance and has agreed to participate in an approved drug-rehabilitation program and serve a six-month suspension retroactive to the November 10 event. He must pass a drug test upon completion of the suspension before receiving clearance to fight again.”

(This guy? A smoker? Impossible.)

Following his submission-of-the-night victory over Chris Clements at UFC 149, Matt Riddle tested positive for marijuana, according to a new report from MMAJunkie. The Calgary Combative Sports Commission suspended Riddle for 90 days retroactive to the July 21 event, which means the TUF 7 vet will be out of action until…well, today. Crisis averted.

For UFC fighters — most of whom don’t compete more than once every three months anyway — the 90-day suspension is more of a “hey bro, not cool” kind of gesture, rather than something that’s actually punitive; all it really prevented Riddle from doing was taking an ill-advised short-notice fight directly after his last appearance. Then again, the UFC still hasn’t scheduled his next fight, so maybe they’re going to make him stew for a bit. Riddle’s just lucky this happened in Canada rather than Nevada, or he could have been out of action for an entire year.

Of course, this raises an obvious question: If Riddle was smoking weed before his last fight, what kind of drugs was he on when he fought Sean Pierson? The LSD that Paulo Filho makes in his bathtub?

(Between rounds he also drank holy water and said the Rosary.)

I had to check to make sure someone didn’t slip something into my drink when I saw that Diego was trying to perform an exorcism on Jake Ellenberger prior to their UFC on FUEL main event last night.

(Much like Bob Reilly, Nick Diaz is very interested in agriculture.)

In a bit of news that escaped our notice due to all the UFC 97 build-up and letdown, but is all too appropriate for today’s date (4/20, get it?), Nick Diaz reportedly tested clean following his TKO victory over Frank Shamrock at Strikeforce in San Jose.  The California State Athletic Commission’s Bill Douglas confirmed the news, saying that Diaz “was fine,” and adding that the test also checked for cleansing agents.

Does that mean that Diaz was jerking our collective chain about smoking weed up until the fight and using “herbal cleansers” to remove any trace from his system before the test, or does it just mean that Diaz has the hookup on the best herbal cleansers around?  If we had to speculate (and we don’t, but we will, because that’s the kind of thing we do), we’d say it’s the latter.  The world where Nick Diaz lies about his weed consumption is just not a world we want to live in.

So now who feels like a little bitch?  Answer: the CSAC.  Diaz beat them and Frank Shamrock all in one weekend.  That’s a moral victory for potheads everywhere.  It’s also enough to make you wonder about how effective the drug-testing system is in catching users of actual performance-enhancers.  If they can’t nail Diaz, who laid out his plan for beating the test beforehand, can they reliably catch steroid-users?

(Will fight for munchies.)

Eager to get a sane perspective on Nick Diaz’s unapologetic love of weed, MDS over at MMA Fanhouse took the issue up with Cesar Gracie, Nick’s longtime coach and mentor.  Gracie did not disappoint, laying out Diaz’s case in a way we can all understand.

1. It’s technically legal for Nick since he has a prescription for it thanks to his ADD/California’s lax medicinal marijuana laws
2. He still plans to test clean, so screw it anyway
3. It’s probably not something athletes should be doing, but Diaz has great cardio and does freaking triathlons, so it can’t be that bad
4. Michael Phelps does it, and how many gold medals have you won?

If that summary of points isn’t enough for you, leave it to the Brazilian to give your American ass a lesson about personal liberty:

(You can thank The Garv for this absolutely necessary photoshop.)

Thanks to reader Kadumel for pointing us to this article in the L.A. Times, in which Nick Diaz reaches new levels of stupidity by telling a reporter exactly how he will beat the California State Athletic Commission’s drug screening process when he fights Frank Shamrock this weekend:

"I’m happy to get loaded, hear some good music . . . I remain consistent. And I have an easy way to deal with [the drug tests].  I can pass a drug test in eight days with herbal cleansers. I drink 10 pounds of water and sweat out 10 pounds of water every day. I’ll be fine."

Goddammit, Nick.  You are fighting in the main event of a card on Showtime.  You are not applying for a job at Hot Topic.  You’re relying on herbal cleansers to keep you from getting fined, suspended, and possibly having the result of your bout changed to a no contest…again!?  Have you learned nothing?

Nick Diaz participated in yesterday’s Strikeforce conference call and thank God someone was savvy enough to ask him a question about weed and then get out of the way and let him go.  There’s nothing quite like a good, completely insane Nick Diaz rant to really make you stop and realize that absolutely everybody, everywhere is on drugs, or else they’re an alcoholic.  I didn’t even think about it until Nick said it.

Here are some other nuggets of wisdom to come out of Diaz’s mouth in this one answer to one question about how smoking weed is different than taking pain pills:

– The blood flow stimulated by coughing when you smoke weed might be the healthiest thing you do all day…if you are fat or have cancer.
– He’s not a fucking doctor or scientist.
– He has a lot of friends who do a lot of drugs.
– If you smoke cigarettes, Nick hopes you die of cancer.  He really does.

Above: MMA/video-game mashup artist lookoutawhale created this Dana White/Super Mario Bros tribute for a UG contest to win tickets to DW’s St. Patrick’s Day party in Boston, and it’s pretty Fuk’n amazing. If only dealing with your rivals was as simple as jumping on their heads.

Below: The more I watch Dan Quinn‘s videos, the more I’m convinced that he’s not a real person, but a highly trained actor playing a character named "Dan Quinn," and the whole YouTube video thing is just a brilliant guerilla marketing campaign for Starwest Botanicals. Because honestly, how can this person not be in on the joke? Yes, that’s his mom who comes by to bust Dan’s weed party at the 4:44 mark, and remind him that "that thing is still simmering." So yes, he lives with his mother. He also alludes to a knowledge about methamphetamine that rivals his knowledge about marijuana and stevia. Why are we not surprised?

After the jump: Some lucky dickhead teaches you how to reverse guard, with the help of two very sexy girls. The last shot = possibly NSFW, totally OMFG.

(“The Athlete” is ready to get back after it.)

- Jason “Dooms” Day has been forced to pull out of his UFC 88 bout with fattie-turned-middleweight Jason Lambert because of a biceps injury, but those of you who are fans of seeing Lambert’s man-boobs in the Octagon needn’t worry. Jason “The Athlete” MacDonald is stepping in as a replacement for Day, despite the fact that he just went three rounds in a losing effort against Demian Maia at UFC 87. Good move for MacDonald. If you can’t win ‘em all, the next best way to keep the UFC happy is to fight ‘em all, especially when called upon on short notice.

- Poor Nate Quarry just can’t catch a break. After coming back from a nearly career-ending back injury only to be forced to chase Kalib Starnes in circles, Quarry has now been sidelined with an eye injury that is strangely not related to fighting. Apparently Quarry was at a party where people were hitting golf balls into the woods — like you do, just for kicks — and he accidentally walked into someone’s backswing. Despite breaking the Orbital Floor bone in his eye, Quarry is not seriously hurt, though he will be kept out of action for at least a few more months.

- American Top Team coach Andrei Benkei is leaving the squad due to “ideological disagreements” with head coach Ricardo Liborio. Benkei told Tatame that he’ll still work with several high profile ATT fighters like Thiago Alves and “Bigfoot” Silva, among others, but it’s been reported that Benkei disapproved of the way Liborio was turning ATT into “a big McDonald’s” by selling its name to karate gyms. For shame, Ricardo. Karate gyms? That’s the MMA gym equivalent of giving hand jobs in the Wal-Mart parking lot. You never need money that badly.

- It’s not MMA news, but it’s worth mentioning: Sumo wrestling has been rocked by a drug scandal. A totally lame drug scandal. Russian Sumo wrestler (they exist?) Soslan Aleksandrovich Gagloev was arrested for possessing a third of a gram of weed. According to CNN, it’s “enough to land him in prison on a diet of forced labor for five years if he’s convicted.” Five years for a third of a gram in Japan? Nick Diaz should really be informed about that before returning to fight for Dream again.

(Photo courtesy of Complex.com)

From the OC Register’s “Keep Punching” blog, via MMA Mania:

“I’m trying to fight (Hayato) Sakurai, I’m trying to fight K.J. Noons, I’m trying to fight Anderson Silva, I’m trying to fight everybody. I’m trying to fight Georges (expletive) St. (expletive) Pierre. I’m trying to fight … I didn’t mean to call Georges a (expletive), but I ain’t got no problem getting there and fighting the best people in the world. Georges is a nice guy. I’m trying to fight Jon Fitch, I’m trying to fight Silva, I’m trying to fight K.J. Noons, I’m trying to fight everybody. I’m trying to fight Takanori Gomi, Sakurai, I’m trying to (expletive) everybody up. (Expletive) this (expletive). This is (expletive) gangster (expletive) warfare. I don’t give a (expletive). You know what I mean?

I don’t mean to sound like … this is … you know … people need to grow up and be mature enough to handle this (expletive). If they can’t and their eyes are not old enough to handle my cuss words and to handle the reality ofo what my life is really about, then don’t (expletive) watch. Because I’m tired of hearing about this and that about how I’m a (expletive) punk and I’m this and that and I’m (expletive) stupid because I didn’t go to school and I don’t know how to talk without (expletive) cussing and say the F-word every five minutes. If you can’t handle it, then don’t listen to me. I don’t give a (expletive).

I’m here to fight. I’m not trying to be a movie star. I’m not trying to wear a (expletive) suit like K.J. Noons. I’ll save my money to buy some (expletive) weed. You know what I mean? I’m trying to enhance the quality of my living. That’s the same reason why I will fight people, I will get high, because that’s a higher quality of life. You know what I mean? I don’t (expletive) do drugs and I don’t do no (expletive). You know what I mean? I’m trying to enhance the quality of my living. Whatever is going to do that. I’m not down for (expletive) chemicals. You know what I mean? I’m down for whatever is going to do it. If fighting and whatever else I do and saying (expletive) you, and being able to do that and still make money, you know, sounding ignorant.

“People are going to think I’m ignorant. But you know what … it’s actually … who is ignorant when you are not the one who understands this sarcasm? You know what I mean? You are just not up to par on how people talk these days or something. Open your eyes and look at the real (expletive) world. Look at the world I live in. That’s all I’m saying.”

And so on, and so on, and (expletive) so on…

(Don’t bother Nick before his morning bong rip.)

The California State Athletic Commission determined Wednesday that Nick Diaz will not be cleared to fight Jae Suk Lim at Saturday’s Strikeforce/EliteXC event. Though CSAC executive officer Armando Garcia claims that Diaz’s medical information wasn’t submitted in time for the fight, Gary Shaw refutes this: “He never mentioned anything about late medicals,” said Shaw. “And if there were late medicals it wasn’t because of Nick Diaz and it wasn’t because of EliteXC.”

Diaz underwent the medical tests required to renew his California fight license on March 10th, and noted his prescription for medical marijuana at the time; this controversial element may be at the heart of the dispute. Said Diaz’s manager Cesar Gracie:

“Nick is a naturalist by heart. He thinks Ritalin is an amphetamine. He thinks that’s really bad for you. People with ADD are kind of hyper, so he has trouble sleeping. He got the medical marijuana card and he takes his pot to go to sleep and be more focused. It’s completely legal in California. Voters voted it in. The commission is actually supposed to obey that, so this will probably open up a legal case…If they’re not even going to allow him to test clean, that doesn’t make sense. That’s overstepping their boundaries.”

Steroids actually help my E.D., but I wouldn’t expect the CSAC to bend their rules just because I have a note from my doctor. According to EliteXC Vice President Jared Shaw, Diaz will return to action on June 14 in Hawaii. As for Saturday, Lim will now fight Drew Fickett, who was also left opponent-less after Jake Shields injured his back. The lineup, as it stands now:

Main Card:
Frank Shamrock vs. Cung Le (for Strikeforce middleweight title)
Gilbert Melendez vs. Gabe Lemley (for Strikeforce lightweight title)
Drew Fickett vs. Jae Suk Lim
Mike Kyle vs. Wayne Cole
Joey Villasenor vs. Ryan Jensen

Undercard:
Luke Stewart vs. Tiki Ghosn
Jesse Jones vs. Jesse Gillespie
Darren Uyenoyama vs. Anthony Figueroa