Upon doing a little research, we have discovered that longtime MMA announcer Michael “Good Night Irene” Schiavello is from some place called Australia. Awwstraileeyah. We’ve never heard of it either, but what you should know is that folks who hail from this…AUSTRALIA, tend to have funny-sounding voices. Not funny in a German nihilist kind of way, but funny nonetheless. At last Friday’s RFA 7 event, we found out that Schiavello’s accent becomes particularly amusing when attempting to pronounce the name of young fighter Danny Mainus.

You see, Mainus sounds a bit like “my anus,” you dig? It’s a fact that becomes quite humorous when Schiavello says things like “There’s a cut on Mainus,” or “Mainus is ready to pounce here.” And while this kind of humor might not be up your alley if you have moved on from the 8th grade, well, you’re probably not in our target audience anyway. So check out the video above and rate it on a comedic scale of Zookeeper to The Big Lebowski in the comments section, with Zookeeper obviously being on the upper end of the spectrum. When Kevin James started talking to that monkey, you guys, I totally roflcoptered. I roflcoptered all over myself.

Now piss off, because I need to finish writing this note to pass to Patty Nelson in chemistry class (more like phlegmistry class, amiright? *receives high fives from everyone at the cool kids lunch table*) to see if she’ll go with me to the Spring semi-formal. If she denies me, I’ll just tell Tony T and Space Face Mike that she has herpes anyway.

-J. Jones

(Seagal, seen here donning various items of clothing he had stolen from the cubbies of children he cared so dearly for.) 

Somewhere between Hard to Kill and Cockpuncher, Steven Seagal experienced a Christ-like resurrection of his career using only the power of audacity and the “free member for life” coupon to Old Country Buffet he had secured through a sponsorship deal in 1989. Seemingly overnight, the aging sensei emerged from a bargain bin of straight-to-DVD cop films (which to be fair, is a game he’ll never truly leave behind) and gut-bustingly awful musical endeavors to become the personal mentor of the pound-for-pound greatest fighter in the world, inventor of the front kick, and a “respected” member of the law enforcement community. Like the Phoenix who rose out of the Arby’s wrappers of its former self, Seagal was able to successfully come back from the dead and reconnect with semi-fame. And he is not letting go this time.

Take the events of this past weekend, for instance, in which Seagal was able to use said fame to join forces with the Maricopa County Police Department and assemble a posse (his words, not mine) of school shooting response specialists. Because if anyone knows how to react to a real life crisis situation, it’s the guy who has made a career terribly pretending to react to fake ones.

After the jump: A video snippet of this hilariously misguided endeavor, featuring paintball warfare, some misplaced picketing, and a surprising lack of firing range goggles*.

(“Can you guys hurry this up? My Mom…I mean The Phoenix signal is calling.”)

If you are an MMA fan, a comic book fan, or just a really lonely guy, then you’ve probably heard the story of Phoenix Jones a.k.a Ben Fodor, the amateur MMA fighter/”superhero” that according to his Wikipedia page “is an American leader of a ten-member citizen crime-prevention patrol group who call themselves the Rain City Superhero Movement.” So basically, a bunch of dudes who never met a Friday night they couldn’t squander formed a neighborhood watch group and dressed in cosplay. Because as we all know, the best way to be taken seriously is to dress up like a bumblebee and hand out life lessons to the drunks who happen to stumble out of the bars each night.

In any case, the world’s least anonymous superhero encountered one such drunk last weekend. After informing the police of the situation, Fodor challenged the drunken fellow to “mutual combat,” which is apparently a law dictating that if two parties have expressed an equal desire to fight one another, they can do so without the threat of legal action as long as neither participant uses unreasonable force. Awesome.

Video after the jump.

The Ranger Up crew are known for two things: making hilarious/awesome t-shirts and making hilarious/awesome/creepy videos starring either Tim Kennedy or Jorge Rivera. They’ve parodied everything from Monty Python to Katy Perry, but more often than not, their videos amount to little more than a dose of anti-Michael Bisping propganda. We would be quick to declare these videos an undeniable success had they not severely backfired on Bisping’s opponents in each instance, but they were at least moderately entertaining in failure nonetheless.

And today, Kennedy and the gang have decided to shift their focus from that of public humiliation to that of social responsibility. We’re talking about voting, people. It kicks ass. And regardless of your stance on the candidates at hand, the economy, gay rights, abortion, or having binders full of women, you should probably vote, because if you don’t, you could end up like the poor gentlemen above.

(We don’t even know where to start.)

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

It appears that, distraught over his inability to get fired from the UFC, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson has moved on to phase two of Operation: Batshit Condor. If you recall, phase one began with a DVD copy of The Secret and a six pack of Red Bull and ended with a high speed chase across Southern California. If thi video is any indication, phase two will undoubtedly end in the death of millions.

Perhaps realizing that his rap album won’t be climbing up the charts anytime soon, Jackson decided to return to his acting…I guess you’d call them, roots? The video that awaits you after the jump, which comes courtesy of FilmOn.com, is entitled “How To Pick Up a Gurl – Fast” with Rampage Jackson.

Prepare yourselves for this one, ladies and gentlemen.

(Just another day researching hard-hitting stories here at the CP offices.) 

Arianny Celeste is officially a triple threat. Not only can she strike a pose with the best of them, but she can sing the roof off the rafters. And now….this.

Cast as “Japanese schoolgirl” in the latest video by electro pop band Manufactured Superstars, Ms. Celeste turns in a performance that will surely go down as the single greatest piece of acting in a four minute party sequence of all time. Simply put, it brought tears to my penis eyes. As for the music itself, well, it roughly reminds me of something I’d come upon if I happened to be playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, so make what you want of that, and join us after the jump for the video.

Also after the jump: everyone’s favorite HR disaster, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson slaps a willing fan, and Brendan Schuab goes ghost hunting.