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Tank Abott and Dan Severn Have Joined Forces For the Mother of All Freakshow Fights

Not to sound selfish, but the recent near-death of Dada 5000 following his Bellator 149 scrap with Kimbo Slice has really taken a lot of fun out of this whole “freakshow fight” concept. Up until that (nearly) fateful evening in February, the fact is that freakshow fights had produced nothing but wholesome, entertaining, and legitimate results LITERALLY 100 PERCENT OF THE TIME. Now, we’ve been forced to act all “thoughtful” and “humane” each time one of them is booked like a bunch of vegan hipster pussies.

Thank God there are still “real” men and “real” promotions out there who don’t give a f*ck about things like safety regulations and common sense, or our sport would probably have fallen prey to Bernie Sanders’ socialist PC zeitgeist libtard pacifist gun control bureaugamy by now. We’re talking about men like Tank Abbott and Dan Severn, and promotions like UR Fight, the latter of which recently booked the two aging UFC vets to throw down as part of what may very well be the most insane event ever scheduled. ‘Murica!

Details after the jump.

You see, while the Reebok-endorsed feminazi colony of bruised-footed namby-pambys known as the UFC can barely scrape together one decent main event for the average card, UR Fight has gone ahead and booked FOUR main events for its inaugural pay-per-view on March 20th. Count ‘em, four.

MAIN EVENT #1: Former boxing great Roy Jones Jr. vs. a fan 5-3 MMA fighter Vyron Phillips, in a boxing match with $100,000 on the line if Phillips wins

MAIN EVENT #2: Ray Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle in professional wrestling match

MAIN EVENT #3: Michael Bisping vs. Chael Sonnen in a grappling-only match

MAIN EVENT #4: 57-year-old Dan Severn vs. 50-year-old Tank Abbott in an MMA fight

Do you think that the trailblazers over at UR Fight seem concerned about the “moral dilemma” or “repercussions” of having a man with literally zero boxing experience face a legend of the sport, or that Michael Bisping has “technically” been medically suspended for 180 days following his fight with Anderson Silva, or that Abbott and Severn’s combined age is greater than most California redwoods? FUCK NO THEY AREN’T, and that’s how business should be done!

Look, this might be difficult for all you social-justice-crusading, neckbearded keyboard warriors to understand, but if two people want to fight in a cage instead of on an Interweb forum, then these so-called “athletic commissions” are pretty much powerless to stop them. The same goes for the promotions, who outside of sending both parties to a therapist (or some other gutless treatment meant for non-alphas) can really only provide them with a place to throw down and slap a reasonable price tag on the proceedings…say, $11.99. THIS IS A FACT.

And while we’re dropping truths, we should point out that Dan Severn has been calling for a senior’s…pardon me…”Masters” division in MMA for some time now, and with Ken Shamrock too busy healing from the bruised vagina that Royce Gracie gave him, the honor of facing him has fallen on Tank Abbott, a dyed-in-the-wool, true-blue patriot if there ever was one.

So if you consider yourself an American — Hell, if you even consider yourself a red-blooded human being — then it is your civic duty to go to the UR Fight website, pony up the necessary 11 dollars and 99 cents and watch this fight with a foam finger in one hand and a Pabst Blue Ribbon in the other on March 20th. #TRUMP2016 bitches!!!

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