(Rodrigo Gracie [right] with great-uncle-thrice-removed-or-something Royce Gracie)

You think Fighting Fedor is a bad idea? Ho, baby. From a new press release on Reuters.com:

Rodrigo and Crosley Gracie have decided to co-produce a reality television show of mixed martial arts, combined with the Gracie Jiu Jitsu flavor, and a little drama. [Ed. note: Rodrigo and Crosley are cousins, and grandsons of Carlos Gracie.]

The reality show is based on true life grudges. Imagine a famous face knocking on your door. He/she shows you a photo. “Do you know who this is?” You know exactly who it is. He/she is the person with whom you have a grudge to settle. Then, without a clue as to where you are going, you are whisked off to an undisclosed location where you will be trained by one of the world famous Gracie Jiu Jitsu family members. Did you know that the person in the photo is also receiving the same treatment? Did you know that now is the chance to “Settle Your Grudge?”

“It gives me great pleasure to bring this show to you, despite any controversy that may arise. At the end of the day, we are all humans, we’ve all had grudges, and they all need to be settled to bring closure to real the life drama that leaves us perplexed every day” boasts [executive producer] Stacey “O”.

Episodes in production include: Cop vs. Con; Bouncer vs. Bounced; Biker vs. Nerd; Husband vs. x-Boyfriend; Manager vs. Employee; Old Bully vs. the Bullied; Teacher vs. Student; and Old vs. Young.

Well, this is problematic to say the least. Look at that episode list — for most of the pairings, you could probably guess who was originally at fault in those “grudges.” If “Nerd,” “Bullied,” and “Bounced,” were given BJJ training and a chance to stand up to the dudes who beat their asses in the first place, maybe we could get behind Settle Your Grudge. But “Biker,” “Old Bully,” and “Bouncer” are getting the same goddamned training! Is it really going to turn out differently the second time around, Bullied? And is hand-to-hand combat ever the best way to settle disputes between managers/employees and teachers/students? At that point, haven’t we conceded that society has basically failed? And let’s say “x-Boyfriend” started a grudge by, say, showing up drunk to “Husband”‘s house one night and slashing his tires, then harassed x-Girlfriend via telephone for a few months. And x-Boyfriend and Husband fight, and x-Boyfriend wins. So then what? Is that really going to “bring closure to real the life drama that leaves us perplexed every day,” Stacey O, you dumb asshole? If the results were controlled, then maybe, occasionally; but these are fights, and the bad guys could win every time.

We’re kind of surprised that the Gracie elders are letting Rodrigo and Crosley try to make their names with a stunt like this. That “Cop vs. Con” episode alone would be enough for me to stamp “DENIED” on this bitch. Can you imagine: Steven Seagal shows up at some gang member’s house and shows him a picture, and the “con” is like “hey man, that’s the pig who tazed me after I punched him in the balls after carjacking an old man at knifepoint while high on angel dust. Man, would I love to settle the score with him.” And Seagal’s like “come with me, brother.”

Say it with me, people: “THAT’S ‘TARDED!”