Canada

(Okay, but just so you know, shooting out jets of sparks from your arms is currently prohibited under the unified rules. Photo courtesy of faniq.com.)

I guess Bobby Lashley is serious about this cage-fighting stuff after all. MMA Mania reports that the former WWE star has signed with Canada's Maximum Fighting Championship promotion, and will appear at their "Hard Knocks" event (May 15th, Edmonton) a month before he collides with Bob Sapp in Biloxi. Lash will be taking on Mike Cook, a Frank Shamrock-trained heavyweight who's either 6-3 or 5-5, depending on who you ask. Will Cook further expose Lashley as a work-in-progress, or will Lashley redeem himself after his unsatisfying performance against Jason Guida? "Hard Knocks" will be broadcast live in North America on HDNet, and will feature UFC vets Marvin Eastman, David Heath, and Trevor Prangley.

MMA Mania also reveals that the June 27th Lashley vs. Sapp pay-per-view event has been given the official name of "Unarmed Combat." Din Thomas is expected to be on the card (along with Tom Atencio), and Lashley's fight nickname is now "The Dominator." Yawn. Come on guys, I think we can do better than that...

#5: Jonathan Goulet vs Joey Brown @ TKO 17 (9/25/04), 7 seconds
He calls himself the Road Warrior, but Jonathan Goulet may as well be nicknamed “The Flash.” Twenty-five of the UFC/TKO veteran’s 32 pro fights have ended in the first round, and six have ended within the first 30 seconds. (Luckily, he’s won most of them.) Goulet’s all-time fastest victory was this seven-second KO against Joey “Knockdown” Brown. All it took was a head kick, a quick Thai clinch, and a knee fired right up the middle, and Brown was in dreamland. The win was Goulet’s fifth in what became a ten-fight win streak, which culminated in him scoring a contract with the UFC, shooting down Jay Hieron in his notoriously bloody Octagon debut, and choking out Shonie Carter back in Canada. As for Brown, he still seemed to be dizzy from Goulet’s knee during his next four fights, losing all of them.

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("Just out of curiosity, what's up now, bitch?" Mousasi surveys the wreckage of the similarly-named Musashi in their K-1 match at Dynamite!! 2008.)

— Though he may still be making his U.S. debut for Affliction, Gegard Mousasi's next fight will be in Japan. FiveOuncesofPain reports that DREAM's 2008 middleweight grand prix winner could return at DREAM 9 (May 23rd) to take on Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou; it would be Mousasi's debut as a light-heavyweight, and his first MMA fight since last September. Sokoudjou currently carries a 5-4 record, and has dropped his last two matches to Luis Cane (at UFC 89) and Renato Sobral (at Affliction: Day of Reckoning). The African Assassin needs a break, but he probably won't catch one here.

— A battle between two middleweight grapplers who flamed out of the UFC despite loads of talent has been booked as the main event of MFC 21 (May 13th; Edmonton, Alberta, Canada). MFC prez Mark Pavelich announced yesterday that Travis Lutter vs. Dean Lister would headline the show, which will also feature Marcus Aurelio, David Heath, John Alessio, and Solomon Hutcherson. Lutter hasn't competed since his loss to Rich Franklin at UFC 83 last April, while Lister made his most recent appearance at UFC 92 in December, where he dropped a unanimous decision to Yushin Okami.

(Props: Bloody Elbow)

As mentioned yesterday, War Machine won his bout against the previously-undefeated Guillaume De Lorenzi at Friday night's XMMA 7 event, ending the fight with a rear-naked choke after some back-and-forth grappling — which is also how he defeated Darren Zatkow in Spetember 2007. Luckily, he didn't get probation for this one. Score!

(He's wearing a hockey jersey! What more do Canadians want?)

So you thought you could keep the UFC out forever, eh, Toronto? You and the whole province of Ontario, just hanging out, watching hockey and that bullshit Canadian football, thinking you're safe from MMA just because it's technically illegal there. Well there's one thing you didn't plan on: Dana fucking White. And now he's coming for you, and he won't take no for an answer:

"I’m going after Canada after (I get approval in) New York and Massachusetts. I’m attacking Canada. I’m going to spend so much time in Canada I’ll have to buy a house. I’m going to live here until it’s done. I’m going to be sitting on the porch every day they come to work."

You see what you've done, Toronto? You've forced Dana White to start stalking you. It's like you're Heather Locklear and White is me circa 1995. What can I say, it was a phase. Then she got old and starting appreciating the attention and I moved on with my life. It's a whole thing I'd rather not get into. The point is, Toronto, I doubt you'll be so lucky.

As much as Canadians seem to love MMA, it's hard to understand the resistance to it at this point. But I guess you could say the same thing for New York. Eventually they'll all give in, and they know it, so why not just quit stop screwing around and accept it. Unless this is all an elaborate ploy to see if Dana White will really buy that house. And he will. But damn, is the real estate market that bad even in Canada?