Dustin Hazelett

(Just relax, breathe deeply, and picture everyone in their underwear.)

It’s been a tough couple of years for Karo Parisyan.  The Armenian-born judoka who once famously declared himself “too talented to train,” has been sidelined for the last nine months due to a suspension resulting from his use of painkillers prior to his split decision win (subsequently changed to a no contest) against Dong Hyun Kim at UFC 94.  Before that, he pulled out of UFC 88 the night before the weigh-ins with a back injury aggravated by panic attacks, and that was after his TKO loss to Thiago Alves.  What I’m saying here is, the man’s been going through some trials and tribulations.

Now he returns at UFC 106 to take on submission specialist/supernerd Dustin Hazelett and the question remains, what’s the deal with Karo?  Is he still a UFC caliber fighter, or just a guy with an inflated sense of self who might fly off the handle and demand to know whether you’re aware of who he is?  According to what Parisyan told UFC.com, he realizes that he hasn’t been about much lately, and that’s because his most difficult struggle is just being trapped inside his own head:

“I’m not making any excuses for my last few fights, but anxiety played a huge role in me not being properly prepared. Anxiety takes over your life. I have it under control now, but imagine having anxiety all night and not being able to sleep because you’re worrying about every little thing. How are you going to be able to train and fight when you’re dealing with something like that?”

("Forget about these worthless idiots," the lion told Karo. "Soon we'll bathe in their blood, and their children's blood." And in the room was an echoing silence. Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle.)

With his nine-month suspension for painkiller use winding down, Karo Parisyan is ready to get his career back on track. The welterweight veteran will be returning to the Octagon at UFC 106 (November 21st, Las Vegas) against 23-year-old submission artist Dustin "McLovin" Hazelett. Parisyan's last appearance was in January at UFC 94, where he scratched out a split-decision win against Dong Hyun Kim; the result was changed to a no contest following Parisyan's positive test for Hydrocodone, Hydromorphone, and Oxymorphone. Before that, the Heat suffered a TKO loss against Thiago Alves in April 2008, meaning that he hasn't scored a legitimate win since his unanimous decision over Ryo Chonan at UFC 78. Hazelett is coming off back-to-back victories (and back-to-back Submission of the Night bonuses) thanks to his acrobatic armbars against Josh Burkman and Tamdan McCrory, but he hasn't competed since last November due to injury. So whose grappling will be stronger? And whose ring rust will be rustier?

Besides the main events of Brock Lesnar vs. Shane Carwin and Tito Ortiz vs. Mark Coleman, UFC 106 is also expected to feature a welterweight bout between Jon Fitch and Ricardo Almeida, which will be Almeida's 170-pound debut. Not exactly easing him into the division, are they?

(Looks like Sadollah's first non-TUF fight is going to have to wait.)

Ultimate Fighter 7 winner Amir Sadollah won't be fighting at UFC 91 this weekend after all, as UFC.com reports that a leg infection has forced him off the card. What with the fight just a couple of days away, the UFC couldn't find a suitable replacement and has given up trying, so the bout is being scratched altogether.

Sorry, Nick Catone. That big UFC debut you've been training for, the one you told all your friends and family about, it ain't happening. Look on the bright side: at least you're still undefeated.

Since the bout leaves a hole in the televised portion of the event, the UFC is going to bump Tamdan McCrory-Dustin Hazelett up from the darkness to make up for it. You hear that, "Barn Cat"? You're going to fight on TV in front of a Dana White-estimated 1.2 million households. Your struggles with women are finally over, my man.

(Dustin Hazelett earning his bonus money. Photo courtesy of UFC.com.)

The list of official salaries from the Ultimate Fighter 7 Finale has been released by the Nevada State Athletic Commission. The numbers are below; each winning fighter's payout represents a doubling of his base salary.

Diego Sanchez: $70,000
Dustin Hazelett: $64,000 (includes $20,000 Submission of the Night bonus and $20,000 Fight of the Night bonus)
Drew McFedries: $46,000 (includes $20,000 Knockout of the Night bonus)
Spencer Fisher: $36,000
Kendall Grove: $32,000
Josh Burkman: $30,000 (includes $20,000 Fight of the Night bonus)
Dean Lister: $28,000
Jeremy Horn: $25,000
Evan Tanner: $25,000
Amir Sadollah: $16,000
Matthew Riddle: $16,000
Jeremy Stephens: $16,000
Matt Brown: $16,000
Luigi Fioravanti: $10,000
Marvin Eastman: $9,000
C.B. Dollaway: $8,000
Dante Rivera: $8,000
Matt Arroyo: $8,000
Tim Credeur: $8,000*
Cale Yarbrough: $8,000*
Rob Kimmons: $6,000
Rob Yundt: $5,000

* Credeur and Yarbrough both reportedly received their to-show salaries, even though their match was canceled the night of the fight due to Credeur testing positive for Adderall.

(I like my 'chino enemas with extra foam.)

For those of you unaware, the UFC had an event on Saturday - UFC 82. We've given you results & commentary, payouts, 7/11 encounters, Chuck-Heads, and more. And to cap off our thoroughly kick-ass coverage of it all, here are the traditional Monday-after suspensions.

The Ohio Athletic Commission has revealed that only four of the fighters from the event have been slapped with medical suspensions. Each of the fighters who got the on-hold ruling lost via KO or TKO, although no broken bones or lacerations were reported. Since, Yushin Okami has been said to have broken his hand while KOing Evan Tanner and Josh Koscheck possibly might have broken his as well while dealing Dustin Hazelett his TKO and subsequent medical suspension.

Evan Tanner pulled a 60-day suspension, while O'Brien, Hazelett and Sakara all got 30-day suspensions. Overall, pretty tame suspensions for a major MMA event.

However, the best suspension announcement was Luke Cummo's caffeine overload suspension. Fightlinker "broke" the story early today that Luke Cummo had received a three-month suspension for having "extremely elevated caffeine levels beyond anything the commission had ever seen before."

"Normally we don’t pay that much attention to the level of caffeine in a fighter’s blood," said OAC commissioner Warren Petty. "But Luke Cummo’s readings were off the chart. At first we thought there must be a mistake with the test, but follow ups showed that our original findings were accurate. This guy must have been tripping balls in the Octagon."

Oh, you had us until tripping balls, although I wouldn't put it past the made-up OAC member, Warren Petty, to say something like that. The story went on to say 3-liter coffee enemas were to blame, but luckily MMA Weekly was johnny-on-the-spot and squashed this one - not that anyone was buying it after "tripping balls". However, OAC executive director Bernie Profato wasn't too happy about the hoax story and had this to say about the matter:

"I’ll be contacting the state’s Attorney General office (on Tuesday) to see what options we have in this type of matter because this is absolutely not true."

I'm sure Zuffa will be filing suit soon as well.