Jay Larkin

(Google Image Search result for "awful Beard.")

Affliction put out a press release today announcing that loose-cannon/multiple-felon Todd Beard has left the building. Dig:

SEAL BEACH, Calif., Nov 14, 2008 /PRNewswire via COMTEX/ -- The board of directors of Affliction Inc. announced today that it received and accepted the resignation of Todd Beard as an employee of the company. Mr. Beard is one of the original founders of the clothing company based in Seal Beach, California. The resignation coincides with a public apology for comments made by Mr. Beard and directed toward Randy Couture and his wife Kim Couture regarding their business relationship.

Mr. Beard also disclosed that he will be seeking treatment for anger management and alcohol abuse.

According to Mr. Beard, "I would like to apologize for my comments that may have offended Kim and Randy Couture and Mr. Spira. I had a long-standing relationship with the Coutures and I was deeply and emotionally hurt by some of their recent business decisions. I have only the best of intentions for the success of the Affliction and Xtreme Couture clothing brands and understand that there are personal issues I must address."

(Make an offer, but ring announcer Tim Hughes comes as part of the set.)

Even though the IFL has filed for bankruptcy and their best fighters have all signed on with other organizations, they are apparently still looking for a buyer who wants their video library badly enough to pay for it. Jay Larkin told Sherdog that when the UFC used some of their footage to hype former IFL fighters who had signed on with Zuffa, it wasn't because the UFC had paid for the video, it was because the IFL was just "helping out." It's the least they could do, after all the help the UFC did for them.

But check Jay Larkin's sales pitch when it comes to the IFL:

“You don't always know what you got till it's gone. There's a lot of lessons to be learned,” said Larkin, a longtime boxing programming executive with Showtime. “One of the things I tried to do was do it in a more professional manner. The bottom line is, I feel MMA is a one-organization industry. I think UFC has done a spectacular job of branding, and UFC has become synonymous with MMA. And there's a couple of hangers-on now. Wall Street’s having a hard time right now. I'd like to see MMA flourish but I'm very skeptical.”

In other words, please buy this stuff, but if you're anyone other than the UFC, you'll just be wasting your money.

I once went to Sears to buy a power drill and the stoned college kid working there responded to every one of my questions about various drills by telling me all the bad things about them, finally concluding that the one they had on sale "just generally kind of sucks." I did not buy a drill that day. As sales strategies go, pessimism and ennui rank somewhere near the bottom. Larkin would do well to keep that in mind.

You know what the best part of this video is? It isn't hearing IFL welterweight champ Jay Hieron do his best not to bash the IFL even though they canceled his next fight and yet aren't allowing him to take another, though that is uncomfortable watch.

No, the best part is at the 1:54 mark when MMA Rated's Ariel Helwani informs him of Jay Larkin's comments comparing ground fighting to "gay foreplay". The look on Hieron's face at that moment, it's priceless. He also goes on to say that he's never met Larkin, which seems odd.

Hieron seems to be taking the whole IFL cancellation in stride, though I have to say I might be slightly more pissed off if my employer was keeping me from making a living. They aren't giving him a fight in August, and also aren't allowing him to look for other fights until after August. So basically they're telling him to take the summer off, and if he doesn't want to, then they're forcing him to take the summer off. Nice.

Nothing like hanging out in fighter purgatory to make you wonder what happened to that organization that was supposed to be taking great care of their fighters.

(Quit it, you homos!)

IFL CEO Jay Larkin is no stranger to making crybaby speeches when things aren't going so well. But with the IFL canceling events until further notice, and with its publicly traded stock currently hovering at two fucking pennies (down from $17 per share in January 2007), it's not going to get much worse than this, business-wise. Larkin knows it, which gives him the freedom to say whatever pops into his head, no matter how gross it makes him look.

Business magazine Portfolio just published a profile on IFL's current tailspin, in which it revealed that the company is now on the auction block for a cool million. Here's the third paragraph, which follows a description of a recent IFL fight, written in wildly purple prose:

Jay Larkin surveys the inaction with a weary, seen-it-all expression. "This isn't my idea of fighting," he says of the world's fastest-growing spectator sport. "To me, two guys rolling around on the floor is tedious, like watching gay foreplay."

Wow. And this guy runs an MMA league? He sounds like your average message-board troll. Later, presumably after a few more whisky-sodas, Larkin drops another gem:

(The inspiration for the IFL's new ring design.)

This morning we got a spam e-mail from the IFL imploring us to buy presale tickets to "IFL Summer Throwdown," which goes down August 15th at the IZOD Center in the Meadowlands, New Jersey. And just as we were about to hit the delete button, we saw this at the bottom:

The night will also feature the world debut of “The HEX,” the IFL’s brand new six-sided ring. This is the future fighting surface for all of MMA. To introduce this new era in fighting, the IFL Summer Throwdown fight card will present the most explosive Mixed Martial Arts action the East Coast has ever seen!

Ho. Lee. Shit.

Merriam-Webster defines "hex" as a "jinx" (in its noun form), or "to affect as if by an evil spell" (in its verb form), which is astoundingly appropriate considering how cursed the IFL is. This is their response to public disinterest? A six-sided ring!? As we saw last week, IFL CEO Jay Larkin believes that since MMA fans haven't taken to their events, we all must be Affliction-wearing, Xyience-swilling jokers who care more about light shows and dancing girls than high-level mixed martial arts competition. (The rebuttal to that misguided viewpoint is long and complex, and is expressed in the analysis and comments in the original post.)

So, my first thought was wow, what an idiot. Doesn't Larkin know that gimmicky ring surfaces are the tool of the desperate and creatively bereft? American MMA fans don't respond well to the ring, so the answer is to give them a different, more fucked-up ring? Really?

But now I'm starting to think that the "HEX" is Larkin's final "Kiss My Ass" to all of us.