porn

(Make sure you have one of these nearby before you proceed.)

Through the whole War Machine turns to porn saga, we've been holding onto a scrap of hope that this is all just crazy-talk, like when War said he was going to move to the Philippines because he was under the impression that aggravated assault was legal there. Oh, if only. Waiting for you after the jump is photographic proof that the man-child formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver is officially an adult film actor. And now, a moment of silence for our collective innocence...

(The most compelling reason yet to keep your daughters out of the porn industry.)

By now you have finally begun to recover from the shock and trauma of seeing War Machine get his ass literally waxed in anticipation of his porn debut and you’ve gotten to the point where you’re beginning to ask some questions as part of the healing process.  Chances are you’re wondering things like, Is he actually getting paid for this? What safeguards are in place to ensure that he does not accidentally breed?  Does this mean War Machine already has or will soon develop a cocaine problem?

According to a recent interview, he’s not only totally serious about transitioning to an actual career in the field of fornicating on camera, he wants to be the very best on-camera fornicator, even if it means taking a step back from MMA:

My priority right now is to make good money and feed the War Machine. I've been fighting for seven years and MMA, I make a living but I don't make enough money to save. I'm never going to be able to have enough to buy a house or buy a cool car. Right now, my main priority is making money. I want to do my best in the porn industry and I want to try to be one of the top, top porn guys, you know what I mean? So right now, porn is more important than MMA at the moment. I love to fight and I'm always going to fight, regardless of what happens.

Well, this new development is appropriately terrifying for Halloween.  War Machine, the fighter formally known as Jon Koppenhaver, has decided to do away with any lingering shreds of dignity that might have been clinging to him without his knowledge, and has officially become a porn star.  The video above shows him receiving his first ass waxing to make his butt camera-ready, and while it probably wasn't necessary for him to post that to YouTube he did perform a public service by letting all the kids out there know that life as a porn star isn't all glamour and lube.  There's actually some unsavory elements to it.  Who knew?

He says he shot his first scene with Riley Steele and described it as "fucking awesome," before explaining that he took the gig because fighting wasn't paying the bills and he refuses to work for a living.  It's like I've always said, when life gives you lemons, make a video of you having sex with those lemons and put it on the internet.

Related:
- War Machine: "F@ck an Obama"
- War Machine Arrested in Vegas
- War Machine Apologizes for Ridiculous Behavior

(Miss, your fly is...uh, you know what? Forget I said anything.)

You might remember a while back when we linked to a very strange/insipid video by porn star Jayden Jaymes in which she played up all the awesome partying she did in Mexico with what appeared to be a still-engaged Chuck Liddell and Red Sox pitcher Brad Penny.  Even if you don’t remember it, it doesn’t really matter because Liddell says a) his engagement was already broken off by then due to other reasons, and b) that chick was just using “The Iceman” for cheap publicity.  Damn, it’s self-promoting porn stars like Jaymes (who can be seen on a porn-focused episode of MTV's "True Life" asking her parents if they're proud of her and receiving blank stares in response) who give the rest of them a bad name.

(Step 1: Lock in armbar. Step 2: Give camera sultry look. Step 3: Call parents and tell them community college classes are going really well.)

Further solidifying the already close bonds between professional MMA fighters and adult film actresses, the organizers behind the Exxxotica Miami Beach “Adult Consumer Show” have decided to go the extra mile.  This year they’ll be hosting a no-gi submission grappling tournament to supplement the adult-themed entertainment already on display.  To let you know exactly what the thought process was behind this move, just read this statement from the Exxxotica director – clearly a man who knows his target audience:

''Exxxotica now has everything a guy could ask for — the biggest adult stars, lots of sexy action, and one of the most popular sports in the world today, Mixed Martial Arts,'' said J. Handy, Director of Victory Tradeshow Management, producers of Exxxotica. ''In the past we’ve had professional pillow fighters, pro wrestling exhibitions, but nothing touches the ever-growing popularity of Mixed Martial Arts in the United States, and hosting this tournament during Exxxotica Miami Beach is just another way for us to give our attendees anything and everything to entertain them when they come to our show.''

Oh, J. Handy.  You had me at professional pillow fighters.  Although maybe you shouldn’t continue to refer to a no-gi grappling tournament as mixed martial arts.  Strictly speaking, the action in grappling tournaments isn’t MMA any more than the action in porn movies is an expression of love.  But whatever.  The winner of the absolute division of this tournament gets $3,000 and the adoration of every wide-eyed starlet in attendance, which means this might be the best chance yet for Tamdan McCrory to finally get laid.  Go get ‘em, Barn Cat.