stevia

(Props: DanQuinnSteviaFan)

Yes, I know it seems like Dan Quinn is off his lithium. Real talk: He's simply expressing deep rage in a civilized manner. In this recent rant, Quinn curses out his mom for evicting him because she can't accept the fact that he was tied to a tree by Fred Reeva for four and a half hours when he was eight years old and abused pretty much his whole childhood, and also because she didn't have his back when he was accused of attempted rape at Notre Dame, ruining one of his several shots at becoming a millionaire, considering he was a white outside linebacker that could cover black running backs downfield, and she even went to town on his body with Hot Wheels tracks when he was a kid (by the way, check out his wrist-vein at the 6:58 mark — what's up with that?), but it's understandable because she was hit in the head with a baseball bat when she was a child and still has a dent in her forehead and is hypoglycemic on top of that, but nevertheless, there's a lot of people who would let him stay in his car in front of their house and take showers. And then, with the timing of a veteran comedian, he rear-ends a parked car. File the papers, bitch.

Previously: WAR QUINN!!!

(Props: "Captain Insano X" on the UG)

Though he was supposed to fight at Gladiator Challenge two days ago, Dan "Stevia Soldier" Quinn's long-awaited match with Dave Huckaba has been pushed back to September 7th. No worries — that just means he has another month to hype the fight. Though he looks to be in solid physical shape in this video shot last week, Quinn's narrative is as disjointed (and bizarrely compelling) as ever, as he suggests the use of jackets that only fighters can wear, laments the plight of the "sistas," orders his fat-ass former teammate Cedric Figaro to get on Stevia immediately, briefly reveals a phobia about axle grease, and re-enacts the famous scene at Juanita's as an action movie. Quinn's actually been quite prolific with the video-making lately; he's recorded four more clips since this one, and they can all be seen here.

Bonus: After the jump, Stevia-hater Dave Huckaba responds to Quinn's recent videos, and manages to use the word "okay" as much as Dan does.

Some of you will look at the above image and start doing joyous cartwheels around the room. Some of you will just see a poster for a local MMA card held at a county fair and say "I don't get it." And that's because you haven't been introduced to the prophetic glory of Dan Quinn.

For the unfamiliar, Quinn is a 4-4-1 professional fighter who's had the dual honors of being choked out by Frank Mir and going three rounds with Jason Lambert. As a linebacker at Notre Dame, he once picked Iron Head Heywood out of the air at fourth and inches; it was, in Quinn's estimation, the greatest stop in college football history. (Quinn was later kicked off the team amid allegations of sexual assault.) He once knocked out five men in one night at Juanita's in Encinitas, California. He's discovered the secret of weight loss and tumor-melting, via Stevia and cold fission. And oh yeah, he's preparing for his first fight since a January '05 TKO loss to Dan Molina, and will be facing Dave Huckaba, who has knocked out Bo Cantrell twice, once in 26 seconds and once in five seconds.

But those are just facts, and statistics, and they don't really tell the story of a man. To understand who Dan Quinn really is, you'll have to watch his shirtless mirror-rants on YouTube.