martial arts

("Child-brides welcome!")

Just because you're a martial arts master who's been teaching a specific fighting style for years, it doesn't mean you can't learn a lot from BJ Penn. In fact, Penn would like to help 300 hand-picked martial arts instructors improve their minds, bodies, and spirits through a year-long training camp in Hawaii called "The Live Like a Champion Project." (The press release is after the jump, in case you don't feel like clicking on that link.) This is troubling for a number of reasons:

1) So basically, the Prodigy is luring the world's most skilled fighters to an extended stay at his shadowy island fortress. Yes, that's the exact plot of Enter the Dragon.

2) It's such a perfect expression of BJ's hubris. Penn has gained fame as a brilliant fighter, but he's not really known as a talented teacher. (Sorry, Rude Boy, it's not your fault.) Yet he feels he's qualified to tell hundreds of instructors how to do their jobs. Particularly, he aims to train the minds of these people. The irony of a blood-licking crybaby obsessive holding seminars on inner tranquility is apparently lost on him.

3) The fact that the program requires its participants to spend a full year in Hawaii will generally attract men without families, who have no problem quitting their paying job and living off the food and shelter that Penn gives them — in other words, disturbed loners who will be easily influenced by the Jim Jones-like sway of BJ. Okay fine, I'll spell it out for you: BJ Penn is obviously trying to start his own cult. Check out his Christ-like pose in the above image. You wouldn't drink cyanide-laced coconut milk for this man? Of course, before the mass suicides, the Penntown 300 could be sent on revenge missions against Georges St. Pierre and Keith Kizer. Far-fetched? Maybe. But don't say you haven't been warned.

('Get your narrow asses into that theater and see my damn movie.')

I actually wrote that headline about a year ago after suffering through a long bout of insomnia. I was delirious and running around in nothing but a pair of waders and a replica L.A. Rams helmet, and without knowing what the words meant I carved them into the wall of my bedroom with a rusty nail. It was a very dark time for me. Never did I think my prophecy would come to pass. Now I fear I've somehow brought this down upon our heads by inadvertently calling upon Gods that are both too powerful and too cruel.

According to media sources, Kimbo Slice and Hulk Hogan are set to co-star in a martial arts children's comedy entitled, "Kung Fu U".

It's about a group of nerdy kids who are sent to a special school (Kung Fu U, we presume) to learn fighting skills that will help them stand up to bullies. Their instructors, played by Slice and Hogan, help them out, and in turn the kids help them by teaching some bullshit lessons about their bullshit lives. And who's behind this? How about Stereo Vision, which is chaired by "Baywatch" creator David Schwartz, a man who knows better than anyone how to grab onto the zeitgeist and ride it for all it's worth:

"We're very happy to have Kimbo Slice co-starring in 'Kung Fu U.' He has an enormous media presence, and he'll fit right in with our star Hulk Hogan, and the other cast members in our made for kids 3D movie. We hope to have 'Kung Fu U' in 3D in theatres by the fall of '09."

Oh, good. It's in 3D. For a minute there I was concerned that this children's movie starring a former pro wrestler and a former bodyguard for internet pornographers might turn out to be a horrible fiasco. But no, 3D. That's how all the quality films are done. Just look at "Captain EO".

Aren't you usually supposed to wait until you're a top-ranked fighter before you start indulging in the kinds of distractions that will eventually pull you away from the fight game? Isn't that typically how it goes? Perhaps times have changed. They must have, because for once Hulk Hogan is poised to be the veteran actor on the set. One can only imagine his advice for Kimbo on how to really locate and understand the motivations of your character, brother.

(Just one of the reasons why you should rent "The Story of Ricky" immediately.)

Long before we became obsessed with MMA, martial arts flicks satisfied our thirst for blood. We now pay tribute to the best of the best — and the kickass fight scenes and iconic stars that made these movies so essential. Click the links for video clips, and let us know how you feel in the comments section...

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10. Kickboxer (1989)

Say what you will about Kickboxer, but it delivers what it promises. Jean-Claude Van Damme plays Kurt Sloane, the European-accented brother to an American kickboxing champion (?) who travels to Thailand only to be paralyzed by the vicious Tong Po. It isn’t until Sloane seeks out the wisdom and awesomely unorthodox training of Xian Chow that he is ready to seek revenge in a brutal underground match that features no shortage of broken glass-encrusted fists and long, drawn-out screams.

Best Ass-Kicking: How do you prepare for the fight of your life? By getting drunk and beating up bar patrons while dancing horribly in pleated pants. How else?

Classic Quote: “I tell them you say they no good fighters... and that their mothers have sex with mules.” (Xian Chow)

9. The Legend of Drunken Master aka Drunken Master II (1994)

Widely considered to be Jackie Chan's masterwork, The Legend of Drunken Master centers on a good-natured devotee of "drunken boxing," who — like Popeye with his spinach — becomes an unstoppable force whenever he gets some booze in him. It's a perfect representation of Chan's trademark mix of slapstick comedy, white-knuckle stunts, and machine gun-paced kung fu, and the climactic eight-minute sequence is possibly the most astounding piece of fight choreography committed to film. If the whole movie was like that, Drunken Master would be much higher on our list. Unfortunately there's a lot of filler about ginseng roots and Western imperialism that you have to wade through to get to the good stuff.

Best ass-kicking: The aforementioned final fight between Wong Fei-hung (Chan) and the movie's two villains, which features fire-breathing, an attempted chin-in-eye submission, and some truly diabolical feats of agility.

Classic quote: "What does it mean when there's a picture of a skull?" "Good Stuff!" (Mrs. Wong and Wong Fei-hung)

8. The Protector (2005)

These days, Tony Jaa is the only action star worth watching. His films are marked by a high-impact ultra-realism, due to the fact that he's genuinely kicking the shit out of his unfortunate co-stars. (Like Jackie Chan, Jaa also foregoes the use of wires and body-doubles.) In The Protector, he plays Kham, a man trained in Muay Thai as a guard/caretaker of his family's sacred elephants. When his father is murdered and their prize elephant is stolen by a smuggling ring, Kham is sent into a kill-crazy rampage for justice. From his vicious arm-breaking spree near the end of the movie to his face-off against a pack of roided-out man-freaks, it's a thrilling showcase of Jaa's awe-inspiring abilities.

Best ass-kicking: The monumental tracking shot as Kham makes his way to the hideout of the smugglers. Four minutes of uninterrupted destruction, with no camera cuts — an absolute must-see.

Classic quote: "He came from Thailand; a stranger who lived by a code of honor that we have all but forgotten. His were the old ways, and there were those who mocked him for it. But his was the right path. The just path. And for me, he will always be a hero." (Mark)