movie

(The war, she is hell.)

Here’s the explanation we were given to go along with this photo:

"Mixed Martial Arts star Andrei Arlovski is featured in the sequel of the iconic hit film UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren return as fight-to-the-death enemies in "Universal Soldier: A New Beginning."  The film has just wrapped principal photography.”

But between us, we think that’s all a clever cover story.  That’s what the government would like you to believe.  But look in those eyes.  See the despair?  See the anguish?  That’s a man who has grown disillusioned with the world of pro fighting and has traveled into the future to join some totally sweet army of motocross riders with machine guns who do battle with aliens or giant bugs or robots or something. 

At least that's our take.  We’ll let you decide which explanation sounds more plausible.

To commemorate the DVD release of Never Surrender on April 28th, LionsGate has given us five copies of the flick to give away to you wonderful people. Hit us with the plot summary, IMDb:

So it's kind of like this, but with higher production values and a cast of actual MMA stars (Georges St. Pierre, BJ Penn, Anderson Silva, Quinton Jackson, and Heath Herring). You know you want to see that. And to score a copy of the movie, all you have to do is come up with an entertaining caption to the photo after the jump...

Remember that awful movie starring the powerhouse acting duo of Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz?  Sure you do, it’s called “Zombie Strippers!” and reading the plot synopsis alone is guaranteed to lower your IQ.  But give Spike TV credit, they recognize when something is so terrible that it’s actually enjoyable (as if the fact that the movie has an exclamation point in its title isn't a dead giveaway). 

That’s why they’re premiering the movie this Sunday night, and making absolutely no bones about how horrible it is with this press release they sent out today:

New York, NY, April 15, 2009 – Described as a combination of "Citizen Kane" meets "The Godfather" meets "A River Runs Through It," Spike TV presents the world television premiere of the sweeping epic "Zombie Strippers!" on Sunday, April 19 (10:00pm-12:00am ET/PT).

(Nolte as Four-Leaf Tayback in Tropic Thunder. Photo courtesy of IMDb.)

Could it be? An MMA movie that doesn't involve an "underground fighting league" or one-armed combat? And it stars the lovably grizzled Nick Nolte? Color us interested. MMA Payout passes along this Variety.com report:

Okay, so shades of Ken and Frank Shamrock, maybe, with the brother vs. brother thing. But here's another sign that the movie could be worth a damn: Director Gavin O'Connor, who previously helmed Miracle and Pride and Glory, was the executive producer of The Smashing Machine, the landmark documentary about MMA cautionary tale Mark Kerr. So he knows the sport, and would likely bring an authentic point-of-view to his new project. Back in October, O'Connor gave a more detailed synopsis of the film to Premiere:

(Dignity is spelled, "K-I-M-B-O.")

Remember when we posted this picture and wondered aloud, ‘WTF?’  Well, Fightlinker has discovered the answer and it has left us exclaiming ‘WTF!?’

Turns out the picture was from a porn movie that features a cameo from Mr. Kimbo Slice.  The title of this porn movie is “Farold & Fumar Escape to the Bottomless Party” (link is obviously NSFW, unless you work at Hustler, and if you do, are you guys hiring?).  It is a predictably half-assed rip-off of “Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay,” which is itself already a half-assed attempt at a sequel to a half-assed attempt at a movie.

Kimbo plays a Gitmo guard by the name of Big Bud.  We know this because he shows up on screen and says, “What’s up bitches?  Hey bitches, I’m Big Bud.”  And his delivery is bad even for a porn movie.

Yeah, I think it’s safe to say Kimbo ain’t getting that part in the A-Team movie.  But the porn rip-off of the A-Team movie (entitled “Anal Team,” obviously) he’s a shoe-in for that.