I awoke this morning to find a lone, blinking message on my answering machine. The messenger, whom shall be referred to as Minowaman for the time being, informed me of a video that would not only change the MMA and combat sports world’s forever, but possibly reignite the long, bitter tensions between the United States and Russia. And now, I will pass it on to you, Potato Nation, as I can only assume that shit in my town is about to go Red Dawn within the hour.
Amidst a deadly crew of English-speaking, Russian sleeper cells, a lone FBI agent, code name Gull of the Sea (at his request), was able to infiltrate a remote, Russian facility, like so, and record the following video of the illegal toe hold technology that the Russians have been building up for years.
I know, shocking and disturbing stuff. Word has it that Rousimar Palhares saw this and completely leveled his three building shantytown in under 60 seconds. Even more horrifying is the fact that these sleeper cell Sambo practitioners seem to be at least part machine, because there is no other way to justify how quickly that dude was able to switch from the foot grab to the toe hold in all of modern physics.
Now, I know what your thinking, “Agent Seagal is blatantly hanging that camera out there for everyone to see. Is he insane?” Well the answer breaks down like this:
1. If Brazil has yet to see the dawn of computers, then Russia cannot possibly have discovered video camera technology at this point in time. Or photography for that matter.
2. Yes, yes he fucking is.
The rest can be explained in this brief video: