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Ten Signs You’re About To Be Cut From The UFC

With the UFC dropping fighters like bad bean pies and more roster cuts on the horizon, you can bet that there are more than a few guys in the Zuffa stable who are feeling pretty nervous right about now.

It used to be just the fighters who put on a supremely bad performance got cut from their contracts, but not so anymore. The UFC is trimming the fat, which means plenty of able bodies may be getting the old ‘let’s just be friends’ speech from the UFC. But how will you know if you’re about to be the next one on the bread line?

Being the helpful jerk that I am, I’ve come up with a handy list of warning signs that it may be time to start looking for a new job (I’m looking at you, Marvin Eastman). Somewhere there is a strip club that’s about to get an influx of bouncer applications.

1. Someone keeps leaving a book on conversational Japanese in your dressing room.

2. The UFC begins paying your fight purses in change, and your post-fight bonuses in cases of Xyience and 40 oz. bottles of Mickey’s.

3. Every time you try and call Dana White’s cell phone, he suspiciously “can’t talk right now” because he’s just about to hop in the shower.

4. They take away your parking space and give it to Diego Sanchez, while giving you Kalib Starnes’ old spot. When you complain about how it’s all the way at the other end of the lot, they tell you not to worry because it’s “only temporary.”

5. When you show up to film your pre-fight shadow boxing montage, the crew doesn’t even bother to make it look like it’s raining.

6. Joe Silva schedules you for a fight with the new “Ultimate Fighter” winner. Before the current season is over.

7. Instead of giving you a Hummer after a victory, you get a bus ticket and a thermos of coffee.

8. When you pass “Rampage” Jackson’s trainer in the hallway and ask him how it’s going, he pats you on the shoulder and says, “Everything happens for a reason, son.”

9. Dana White keeps talking up this night class on air conditioning repair down at the technical college, insisting that it “never hurts to learn a trade,” before leaving you with a pamphlet and a forty-dollar check made out to the Registrar’s office.

10. You’re a wrestler whose fights always go to a judges’ decision.

-Ben Fowlkes

Cagepotato Comments

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yUhdWpaXBH- July 11, 2008 at 4:03 pm
CP is gay- May 21, 2008 at 8:35 pm
#1. You got interviewed by Cage Potato.
Anonymous- May 15, 2008 at 3:11 pm
#14 Andy wang calls you out
Limbo Spice- May 8, 2008 at 4:07 am
#13. You're next to fight Kimbo Slice!
KTFO- May 7, 2008 at 3:58 am
#11. Dana e-mails you an application for TUF: The Comeback 2.
Rumbler- May 5, 2008 at 7:03 pm
You're on the main event card, but you still have to share a locker room with Tamden McCrory.
C-Bus Allstar- May 5, 2008 at 11:44 am
#11. When you go to sign your next fight contract and you read at the top that it's for a UFC PPV event that's already happened and at the bottom there's some small print you couldn't read with a microscope.
Teachbug- May 5, 2008 at 3:37 am
CP take your meds!
I think your Freudian-slip is know? Guilty dog barks first, and loudest.
I think you are "projecting" your latent homosexual tendencies on others, when I think your anger should be pointed inward because of your lifelong lameness, and secret cross dressing, scat-eating !
I want you to take a deep breathe (try not to think about penises for a second) and just relax, Im sure the nice men in white lab-coats are coming to help.
Put down the gun son.
CP is funny- May 4, 2008 at 11:13 pm
#who gives a fuck. you blog for some half assed, shit site made for children and dudes who wish they were chicks so they could get on the wrong side of chucks "rape face".

hmm maybe that's just a sign of a meaningless life full of sadness?

cp is still funny though, but this list sucked more dick then a fiending crack whore.
KTFO- May 3, 2008 at 4:41 am
#11. Dana mysteriously has to "be somewhere" within seconds of depositing his man-goo on your face.
lakew- May 2, 2008 at 8:33 am
#5 is funny man - and the whole things worth readin so When the fuck will SAKARA the "italian boxer" get shown the octagon door?
Anonymous- May 2, 2008 at 2:32 am
This is a hilarious list. The other comments just prove how unfunny everyone else is.
Anonymous- May 2, 2008 at 1:53 am
#5 is priceless.

#11 You're a heavyweight.
lolwut- May 2, 2008 at 1:01 am
Not everyone writes like bennyg give the guy a break u wouldnt of even noticed a difference if it had goldsteins name at the bottom lol
rheindog- May 1, 2008 at 10:50 pm
gigantic FAIL
robnashville- May 1, 2008 at 9:26 pm
here's my attempt.....

11. When you show up to your UFC weigh-in, Dana MAKES you wear the t-shirt for a competing sportsbook......
robnashville- May 1, 2008 at 9:15 pm
5. When you show up to film your pre-fight shadow boxing montage, the crew doesn’t even bother to make it look like it’s raining.

this one is gold........ a classic ufc cliche
skidding- May 1, 2008 at 8:03 pm
This is kinda wrong:

#13 The only footage of you in the TUF show involves you making a sandwich for Matt Hamill.
twankydawg- May 1, 2008 at 7:51 pm
if big boob chicks work at Hooters, then chicks with 1 leg must work at IHOP
Turd Ferguson- May 1, 2008 at 7:18 pm

Be funny or leave.
Burns- May 1, 2008 at 7:13 pm
But don't you see? That kind of negativity is why Travis Lutter is so sad!
BIG CHRIS- May 1, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Nice Burn Burns....I was doing my best to be negative, that's all, a little negativity never hurt anyone did it??
Anonymous- May 1, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Burns- May 1, 2008 at 6:26 pm
i thought it was funny. it's interesting that of all the people complaining, no one's thought of a better one to add to the list. maybe Big Chris would have liked it better if it had a lame prison rape joke. judging by the poll results though, he's about the only one.
dandaman- May 1, 2008 at 6:11 pm
you forgot one.
11. Dana White is on his period.