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The Change-Up: Five Fighters We Wish Could Switch Bodies


(Unlike the rest of us, the eye candy in the back decided to open her eyes for Cyborg.)

By Jason Moles

While suffering through The Change-Up this weekend, I started thinking about the hypothetical situation of MMA fighters switching bodies. Obviously, one fighter would get the short end of the stick, like in all relationships, but other than that, it’s all good news from there. Imagine the man with a warrior spirit and broken body upgrading for a newer model. Imagine the heavy-duty gas-guzzler being replaced by a tiny, eco-friendly, electric car. Imagine experience and youth joining forces to reign terror on anything that steps in its way. So who most deserves a cinematic body-swap? Read on and find out…

BJ Penn and Brock Lesnar

Advantage: Baby Jay

For years, Penn has been criticized for his lack of self-discipline and willingness to stay in shape. Switching bodies would solve that problem and create what might be the best heavyweight in UFC history. A Nova Uniao Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belt with explosive striking and a granite chin, Penn has everything that Lesnar wishes he had. The Prodigy would be a wrecking ball at heavyweight if he had Brock’s body — as long as the viking took the diverticulitis thing with him. If he had to keep the illness during the switch, then I guess we could all agree that we’d like to see Josh Koscheck Plays Asshole Bully Character Named ‘Josh Koscheck’ in New Reality Show” href=”http://www.cagepotato.com/josh-koscheck-plays-asshole-bully-character-named-josh-koscheck-in-new-reality-show/”>Josh Koscheck trade bodies with Brock.

Roy Nelson and Clay Guida

Advantage: Nelson

The TUF 10: Heavyweights winner is in a slump following back-to-back losses against JDS and Frank Mir. You remember seeing ‘Big Country’ sucking wind and basically collapsing after the final horn, right? I can’t remember another fighter looking worse in the Octagon besides Kimbo. We know from the JDS fight that Nelson is capable of eating punches and asking for more while his black belt in BJJ is evident when the fight hits the mat. Question: Why doesn’t he win more? Cardio? Heart? Answer: Both.

Wrap up Roy’s knowledge, passion, and skill inside the body of Clay Guida and you’ve got yourself a force to be reckoned with. The Carpenter is the most fuel efficient guy on the roster, and his thick neanderthal-esque skull will provide the x-factor in Nelson’s game. Wishing you had Mo Lawal’s oxygen supplier in your corner will become a thing of the past as a “new” lightweight makes a mad dash for Edgar’s title. The only question that comes to mind when pondering this swap of bodies is whether Roy will keep Guida’s famous hair or go for a mullet.

Gina Carano and Cristiane ‘Cris Cyborg’ Santos
 

Advantage: Fans

Not to take anything away from the budding Hollywood actress, but Cyborg is a genetic freak and the more skilled female fighter. But what Carano lacks in MMA dominance, she more than makes up for in beauty and star-power. Gina Carano is hotter than a Tezpur Chili on the Scoville Scale and because Cyborg would get Carano’s body while keeping her wicked awesome skills, Chyna would have to give the title of ‘9th Wonder of the World‘ to Santos. Makes perfect sense to us. Honestly, this one actually should be a movie.

Jim Miller and Chael Sonnen

Advantage: Miller

The 20 and 2 AMA product is overdue for a title shot. (You could argue that Clay Guida deserves one first after defeating former #1 contender Anthony Pettis, but you could also argue that Strikeforce won’t be swallowed up by the UFC next year.) Jim Miller is riding an incredible seven-fight win streak, leaving behind a pile of game competitors. So why no shot at the belt yet? Consider this: walk around your local mall or sports bar and ask random dudes who Jim Miller is. “Isn’t he that ‘Bully Beatdown’ guy?” is probably how most would respond.

Apparently top-notch technique and continued success just aren’t enough. What’s missing? The personality to make people want to see you compete — and remember when you do — and the charisma to captivate an audience both in and out of the cage. Enter Chael Sonnen, aka Senor Chael. Problem solved. The only downside is that if we do get to see Silva vs. Sonnen 2, the pre-fight hype will be downgraded from AAA to AA+.

Wanderlei Silva and Jon Jones

Advantage: Wandy

Of all the fighters who we’d love to see switch bodies, this might be our favorite. We are unabashedly huge fans of ‘The Axe Murderer’ and wish he could somehow drink from the mystical Fountain of Youth to prolong his storied career as one of MMA’s coolest/scariest dudes.

Jon Jones has the largest reach of active UFC fighters. Do you even understand the possibilities of what that kind of wingspan could do when combined with one of the sport’s most lethal strikers? This would literally be the second coming of Wanderlei Silva! Look, we know he’s still got the itch to fight. New body, fresh outlook, old scores to settle.

Is Jonny Bones getting the short end of the stick? Absolutely. But look on the bright side — at least he won’t have to duck Rashad anymore.

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Me likey- August 11, 2011 at 4:25 am
@macreadysshack
my point was if wand had jones reach he wouldn't utilize it. he only throws hooks 90% of the time. you shorten your reach with a hook vs a straight or a jab.
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SuckMySkyWalker- August 10, 2011 at 8:18 pm
Vitor Belfort and a sac of elephant shit...hopefully it will make Vitor somewhat tolerable
macreadysshack- August 10, 2011 at 7:31 pm
I'd like to see Dana White switch bodies with a giant fat bald baby. Oh wait.
macreadysshack- August 10, 2011 at 7:30 pm
I love Chael just the way he is. If Santos got Gina's body, she'd just roid it out and we'd have a homely gina in Santos body and a Carano with a penis.
dcmsm- August 10, 2011 at 6:44 pm
i dont understand how you fix bj's cardio by turning him into 280lbs of solid muscle
Moriparty- August 10, 2011 at 5:36 pm
I hope Koscheck gets diverticulitis also.
Fried Taco- August 10, 2011 at 5:29 pm
I agree with RwilsonR, but we could at least place bets on how long it would take BJ to turn Lesnar's body into flabby goo. And see if he could still jump out of the pool.
RwilsonR- August 10, 2011 at 3:37 pm
I don't understand the BJ Penn/Lesnar one, and I stopped reading there. So BJ's primary attributes are physical, and his primary failings are mental, so this would be changed by him........ changing bodies?
RwilsonR- August 10, 2011 at 3:27 pm
Lesnars_tiny_pecker_says Says: "It makes sense if you don't think about it."
 
My exact thoughts on this entire article.
macreadysshack- August 10, 2011 at 3:18 pm
Haha, Me likey, you retart. If a guy's arms are long enough, his hook has more range than a stubby guy's jab. Just kidding about the retart but I don't think we're talking about the same thing. No biggie.
Cestus84- August 10, 2011 at 2:55 pm
Ok, Im gonna say something thats not often heard. I think Cyborg is kinda hot. Like during in between fights chunky phases, she actually looks fuckable. *snif* *snif* fuck my life.
Lesnars_tiny_pecker_says- August 10, 2011 at 2:53 pm
I wish I could switch bodies with Gina so I could F*&K myself and then I could brag about it
It makes sense if you don't think about it
Me likey- August 10, 2011 at 1:37 pm
@macreadysshack
uhhh... seriously? straight punches have more reach and will land before hooks. hence the hook.
remeadial- August 10, 2011 at 1:22 pm
This is LITERALLY the best article you guys have ever written. I love it.

Here's my submission:

Vitor Belfort and Chris Leben. While they are both KO artists, Vitor is a killer. I just wish he wasn't such a Jesus freak. If we could shut him up with Leben's purple or orange hair and his DUI attitude, he'd be far more interesting to me. I'd love to see Vitor beat up Chael bc that guy needs to go to the hospital.
Fried Taco- August 10, 2011 at 1:10 pm
Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dr. Peppers, and Pepper Potts.
ccman- August 10, 2011 at 1:10 pm
I'm just floored you want gina to have a penis, ok not really you did go watch change up. Also this is more a want to merge 2 that switch them.
Anyone know how to make an omega symbol on an android? 3rd time its hit my captcha
DangadaDang- August 10, 2011 at 1:02 pm
Fedor and Dan Henderson. Zing!
Jason Moles- August 10, 2011 at 12:58 pm
What kind of peppers does 'Fried' like on his taco?
Fried Taco- August 10, 2011 at 12:47 pm
Ben Goldstein and Maggie Hendricks - then we can see who is the real "cunty" one! (aren't you glad you fixed the glitch, CP?)
macreadysshack- August 10, 2011 at 12:46 pm
Hey, likey, are you kidding? Long arms make hooks touch guys when they can't even touch you with a jab. Honestly, this whole thing is really silly but what the hell I'm bored senseless at work.
Me likey- August 10, 2011 at 12:37 pm
i wouldn't want to switch bodies with chael. i like my nuts just the way they are.
a longer wingspan wouldn't help wand that much anyway. he has never thrown a straight punch in his life.
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