No way I’m not using this picture again.
What up, Potato Nation, it’s your boy ReX13 here at the Soldiers and Sailors Memorial Hall in Kansas City, ready to watch some ladies fight. I realize some of you have dirty-ass opinions about women’s MMA, and to you assholes I say this: I think there’s an NBA game on or something. Is the NFL draft still on? How’d my Carolina Panthers do? Actually, don’t answer that, just exit stage left. For the rest of you, let’s party: we got a badass card to watch.
Since the whole thing is streaming for free right here, I’m going to forego an actual play-by-play and just drop observations as the night goes on. I’m also ready to grab snapshots and video of the things you can’t see, so expect butt shots of Natasha Wicks. I’m all for girl power, but I also know what my Nation likes.
One more note: they are trying to disable the media with a light show and deafening dubstep. Pray for me.
Come on in, the show starts at 8pm ET. Until then, feel free to tweet your best #BadPickUpLinesAtInvictaFC at me, because I’m immature.
“Sassy” Cassie Rodish vs Meghan “The Babe” Wright
Getting started with some undercard action at 105 pounds, a class we call “atomweight”. I think atomweight sounds pretty damn cool.
No glove touch, they mean business. A few hooks thrown but Rodish wades in for a front headlock and ragdolls Wright to the ground, up against the cage. It takes all of thirty-sex seconds for Cassie Rodish to secure a guillotine and get the tap.
Ashley “Smashley” Cummins vs Sofia Bagherdai
Bagherdai was unable to make weight yesterday, and she’s visibly larger and stronger today. Smashley ain’t care; she’s got my favorite mean mug since ever and she’s got the tenacity of a pit bull. Bagherdai has reach and strength, but Cummins just doesn’t stop, uh, comin’. Bagherdai’s accuracy leaves something to be desired, and I have a feeling no one really hits her hard in the gym. Cummins stays in her face through three, working for takedowns and returning fire with four and five-punch combos. I’ve got Smashley for all three rounds, but I’m still partially blind and deaf from the light show and club music. The judges mostly agree with me though: Cummins takes a unanimous decision.
Randi Miller vs “Miss” Mollie Estes
Pay attention, Nation: this is an Olympic athlete making her debut. Miller has postponed her first match a few times, but she’s here to frate train some local talent. If she does well, we’ll try to figure out a nickname.
Ok, maybe I sold Estes short — the fight doesn’t end as soon as the fighters clinch. Estes does a fantastic job of staying on her feet, working short elbows and a series of knees in the clinch. Meanwhile, Miller tries to finish a takedown, and she looks like she should just roll over her like a tank. She manages to get the fight to the canvas in the second, but she’s unable to finish Estes, who manages to neutralize much of Miller’s offense until the last thirty seconds of the round. Miller finishes to round in full mount on Estes, but can’t finish. Round three starts with two exhausted fighters going on heart. Estes has turned bright red, and Miller eventually manages to secure the takedown, and rains down some hammerfists. Estes is wiped out, and the ref has seen enough. Randi Miller wins her debut at 3:24 of the third via TKO (referee’s stoppage due to strikes).
Sarah “The KO Kid” Maloy vs Michele “Diablita” Gutierrez
These women want to throw leather — from Missouri. (It’s across the river.) Lot of fighting at looooooong range through the first two rounds, while my laptop says “fuckitall” and starts looking up computer porn or something. I have a 10-10 first and a Maloy second. Third round is fought a little closer, but mostly they seem hesitant to engage. They wait for the ten-second warning, then start scrapping. For reals? Probably Maloy by a hair, but I think they shouldn’t keep fighting until one of these ladies gets hit. Judges see it unanimously for Sarah “The KO Kid” Maloy, and I hate the DJ SO HARD. Music just got stupid loud for no apparent reason, and I’m going to dropkick the speaker array next to press row.
Nicdali “The Night Queen” Rivera-Calanoc vs Amy “Little Dynamite” Davis
These two took that cute “just a couple of BFFs” weigh-in picture, but they waste no time getting to business. Davis threatens with a triangle early, but can’t finish. She’s got some good boxing, but nothing big happens outside of messing up Rivera-Calanoc’s hair. They continue the grappling contest in the second, and the end starts with Rivera-Calanoc hitting a takedown against the cage. Davis manages to snare her opponent in a crucifix and throw some punches, loses it, and notices an arm just hanging out there. With Rivera-Calanoc’s elbows so far from her body, it’s easy work for Davis to get wrist control and torque out for a kimura, getting the tap. Amy Davis defeats Nicdali Rivera-Calanoc via submission (which the announcer calls a kimura choke — awesome?) at 3:47 of round 2.
“Slick” Sally Krumdiack vs Sarah “The White Tiger” Schneider
Schneider comes out to a song she wrote and performed herself, so keep your comments to yourself, ALF. Wow. Schneider was motivated to fight in her hometwon, and she never gave Krumdiack a chance. Schneider popped her right off the bat, and pulled guard after a bit of clinchwork in the Krumdiack corner. Schneider throws a beautiful triangle-armbar combo, and Krumdiack has no choice but to tap. That is a Tiger not to fuck with. Sarah “The White Tiger” Schneider defeats “Slick” Sally Krumdiack via submission (armbar) at 3:01 of the first round.
Sarah “The Monster” D’Alelio vs Vanessa Mariscal
Fuck yes Vanessa Mariscal is coming out to “The Shortest Straw”, and while I’m supposed to be neutral, I hope she rips off D’Alelio’s head off and shits down her neck. Then I change my mind because TOOL YOU GUYS HOLY FUCK THESE CHICKS ARE BADASS. Insiders think this one will be bananas. First round is a lot of D’Alelio on Mariscal’s back. Mariscal, a short-notice injury replacement, stays cool and plays defense, and lasts out the round. Round two starts with some stand and wang, but D’Alelio gets Mariscal’s back again, looking for a way to put the fight away. She looks for an RNC, but decides just ground and pound will do. The ref agrees, apparently, stopping the fight — perhaps a bit early, but Mariscal doesn’t seem too upset with the stoppage. Sarah “The Monster” D’Alelio defeats Vanessa Mariscal via TKO (referee’s stoppage due to strikes) at 3:19 of round 2.
Kaitlin Young vs Leslie “The Peacemaker” Smith
It’s two rounds of kickboxing so far, and these women are throwing ten-piece combos like they’re KFC. Yes, i’m getting lazy. Whatever, I wasn’t supposed to be doing a play by play anyway. (five minutes later…) That was three rounds of throwdown, ladies and gentlemen, now somebody tell me how chicks are boring again. Amazing showing by both fighters. Wish they could both win, but Kaitlin Young vs Leslie “Peacemaker” Smith is declared a SPLIT DRAW. I had Smith winning, but I guess I can watch it again to decide later. What say you, Nation?
Liz “The Girl-Rilla” Carmouche vs Ashleigh Curry
Bell rings, and it looks like Carmouche sticks Curry with a long straight punch before cramming her against the cage and taking her down. It doesn’t take long for Carmouche to work to mount, and lays down the ground and pound. Curry is completely lost on the ground, and the ref cuts the fight shortly after. Liz “The Girl-Rilla” Carmouche defeats Ashleigh Curry via TKO (referee’s stoppage due to strike) at 1:58 of the first round.
Side note: Ran into Cris Cyborg during the intermission. He’s really nice when he’s not roiding his tits off.
Jessica Penne vs Lisa Ellis
This is a fight that should have happened in Bellator, but Zoila Frausto fucked it all up. Should be good. Winner here makes a good argument for a top spot at 105. Penne has skills, but she seems lacking in killer instinct. She is the only person I’ve seen secure a crucifix from the bottom like that, though. My god, this back and forth. As they start the third, it’s an even fight until Ellis catches a knee on the nose coming out of a clinch, and blood starts pouring like a faucet. Ellis does her best to fight, but the blood is affecting her vision, plus I bet that hurts like a bitch. Once Penne gets a superior position, it’s pretty much over. Jessica Penne defeats Lisa Ellis via TKO (referee’s stoppage due to strikes) at 2:48 of the third round.
Now being announced: Shayna Baszler vs Sarah McMann at the next Invicta card. That’s some good matchmaking, kids.
Side note: I’m ready to burn down this DJ’s house, with her and her cats in it.
Time for the main event!
Marloes “Rumina” Coenen vs Romy Ruyssen
Coenen is hyped and ready to fight coming into the cage. These two appear to dislike one another a bit. They start with a little rangefinding, and clinch against the fence for some knees. Referee stops the action to dock Ruyssen a point for grabbing the cage (?). Ruyssen seems angry and willing to scrap, but I’m not seeing her as the high-level competition that Coenen deserves. I say that, but after three rounds Coenen has been unable to put her opponent away, so what the fuck do I know? Certainly, Ruyssen’s standup leaves much to be desired. We’ll go top the judges for a decision: Marloes “Rumina” Coenen defeats Romy Ruyssen via unanimous decision. Who’s next for the default 145 champ?
Ok, Nation, I’m off to get some interviews (hopefully) and whatever kind of post-fight presser I can find. Thanks for coming up, ya’ll, I’ll holler.