Okay, I’ve got some bitch slapping to do. I can’t stay silent any longer. I’ve sat back and read the message boards around the MMA universe and listened to the lame ramblings of supposed MMA experts on a subject in the forefront of everyone’s mind. It could happen. It probably will happen at some point.

Who can beat Fedor Emelianenko?

While this is certainly a legit question/dead horse waiting to be beaten and should be at the top of every MMA dinner topic – and who hasn’t had several of those, right? – I’m fucking sick and tired of the lame-fucking-ass answers that keep floating around cyperspace and are shit from the mouths of these MMA ‘experts’. Check out some of the answers coming from the MMA world’s message boards:

-”A heavyweight Sean Sherk”
-”A bigger BJ Penn”
-”GSP, if he were a heavyweight”
-”Chuck Liddell”
-”Ricco, in his prime”

I’m losing my faith in humanity.

If we’re to enter into a serious debate on this subject, we should be studying the heavyweight division past Randy Couture and not creating phantom fights that will never happen. Then there are the joke-makers – alas, the funnymen – who just can’t resist throwing in their idiotic drivel and cluttering up my brain. Some of their popular choices:

-God
-Muhammad
-Zeus
-Hercules
-Batman
-Michael Stipe of R.E.M.
-Wolverine
-Possibly Josh Barnett
-Incredible Hulk
-Superman
-King Kong
-Mr. T

Michael Stipe is kinda’ funny, but the others are so unoriginal that I feel the urge to stab myself in the throat with my Hulk Hogan action figure from 1982. I should point out that in the past few months I’ve been watching this subject debated, Josh Barnett has been a popular choice – aside from the normal Randy supporters. I can see the point, but he’s also been out of the game for a while and his recent losses against top competition speaks volumes. Plus, he’s injury prone. I gotta’ go 100% for Fedor there. Cro Cop was the second most popular – in a rematch (even despite his two recent straight losses). Sokoudjou used to be a popular choice, but that got quiet a few weeks ago. None of these fighters – especially not Sokoudjou – are ranked in most people’s top five. Not even in some top tens. But they are winning the popular vote, even though the popular vote doesn’t always win, now does it, Mr. Gore?

Fedor does get some shit for his choice of opponents, although Dana White red tape can’t be blamed on him. Remember what Yahoo Sports said a few days ago about Fedor needing a Josh Barnett fight:

“The more Emelianenko sullies his reputation by fighting cream puffs, the less his long-awaited showdown with Couture will mean, regardless of which promotion hosts the event, if it ever happens. A match with Josh Barnett, the only world-class caliber free agent heavyweight, is the only match that could turn around opinion at this point.”

Take that for what it’s worth, but I don’t see it that way.

The arguments that most chap my ass are the ones putting guys in the octagon that are not even MMA fighters – and some aren’t even fighters at all. This has become an extremely popular argument that bounces between both the phantom fights and the unoriginal jokesters’ entries. Here’s a look at some popular suggestions:

-Mike Tyson
-Jean-Claude Van Damme
-Shaquille O’Neal
-Ronnie Coleman (Mr. Olympia)
-Dalip Singh (7′ 2″ WWE wrestler)
-Various bodybuilders

Okay, I’ll entertain this for a second. In a pose-off, Fedor would lose to most people, including my grandfather. But bodybuilders have zero striking ability. Why? First, they avoid any striking whatsoever due to the fear of a broken hand – which would put them out of work for months because of inactivity. Second, they have so much muscle, their punches would feel like you’re being hit by a Nerf football thrown through molasses. And I can’t get behind a dude who can’t even reach his own ass to wipe it. So the bodybuilder arguments are dumb. Just fucking dumb. Strong does not mean you’re a good fighter.

Mike Tyson? Please. Van Damme? I could see a good fight a few years ago, but not now – maybe because Van Damme would rather visit Brokeback Mountain with Fedor these days than fight him. I can’t believe I’m even discussing this!

You’ll notice how a lot of the entries in the “Beat Fedor Pageant” are seven foot plus. The argument has been made that Fedor’s weakness is he can’t take down tall dudes. His fight against Hong Man Choi has been cited as an example. He was taken down by the “Techno Goliath” – dumbass nickname, by the way – pretty handily. No shit. Fedor was outweighed by over 100 pounds and would be to anyone over seven feet tall this side of Manute Bol. Falling onto another person under the guise of a take down…you see where this is going. Get Fedor on the ground with any of those seven footers and it’ll end the same way as the Choi fight did.

I’m now too exhausted from refuting the ideas of the mindless to delve into who might actually be legit MMA opponents for Fedor, so we’ll save that for another time – probably when all this UFC vs. Randy shit is cleared up.

(Have fighters you think will beat Fedor? Leave them in the Comment Section.)