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The IOC Is Stupid, And So Is HandBall: 10 Olympic Sports to Drop Instead of Wrestling

As you all no doubt have heard, the International Olympic Committee has decreed that wrestling is no longer worthy of a place in the Summer Games, in order to make way for other, more lucrative events. I tell you now that this decision is the worst kind of folly, made for the worst reasons possible. I won’t rail about the corruption in the IOC, or the nepotism and naked commercialism that seems to hold sway in any of their decisions. I will point out that kicking wrestling out of the Olympics does seem rather…historically disconnected.

On the other hand, it’s possible that this is only a con from the IOC in order to drum up support (read: money) to get wrestling back into the Olympic arena where it belongs.

In any case, here is a list of ten sports that should be rightly removed from the Games, even if we weren’t talking about making room for an original Olympic event. Let’s just cut all this extra fat, and strip the Olympics down to the more raw athletic events. (And gymnastics. You have to keep gymnastics.)

The Modern Pentathlon

This was the ass-backwards event that everyone with a brain in their head assumed would get the axe, for two reasons. First, it’s an oddball series of activities based on an archaic skill set — cavalry officers still ride horses? — that is no longer relevant. Second, it’s redundant: Take this away, and athletes could still do the triathlon. Or the decathlon. Or just, you know, pick an event instead of being a scatterbrained dipshit.

Table Tennis

First of all: It’s fucking ping pong. You want to get pissy because your “sport” doesn’t sound butch enough? I’m not entirely sure that “table tennis” is upping the intimidation factor, broseph. Secondly, dude, do you really need a sweatband to play? I understand that it takes laser-tuned hand-eye coordination and twitch reflexes, but you’re not fooling anyone into thinking you’re an elite athlete. It doesn’t work for pro HALO players, it won’t work for you.

Handball

This is actually an Olympic event? This is a game that is supposed to be played in the streets, across back yards, where bushes and cars are significant obstacles, with an object that need only be vaguely ball-like. I’m saying it’s a children’s game. We cannot continue to encourage these simpletons by allowing them to play soccer with their hands. They need to grow up and pick a real sport or come to terms with their own athletic failings.

Basketball

Basketball will never go away from the Olympics; I know that, it just generates too much revenue. But we already have an Olympic basketball organization, it’s called the NBA. (Stay gold, Sodak.)

Golf

The IOC looks to pick up golf in 2016, and these are the kinds of highlights you can look forward to. Joy? Look, as a game, golf should be played and not seen. Hell, most people can’t play golf without getting halfway-lit first, so that wandering around searching for a little white ball in the expanses of groomed wilderness and man-made constructs doesn’t become a depressing metaphor for their own accomplishments in life. If you actually seek out golf on television to watch, you are a boring human being, and no, I do not want to look at your coin collection.

On the next page: Field hockey, badminton, and all horse-related bullshit.

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PELF- February 14, 2013 at 2:44 am
There is a world outside the United States, don't forget that. And just because you don't play or understand a sport, that doesn't make it stupid. If that's so, the world should be allowed to call baseball, ice hockey or american football stupid. And we don't.

Although, modern pentathlon *really is* stupid.
MirkoBroCop- February 15, 2013 at 10:00 pm
The IOC apparently doesn't know there's a world beyond western europe and they show that consistently with the sports they cut. More countries have wrestlers then any of those sports, the only exception, you guessed it WESTERN EUROPE. Wrestling is more accessible than any of those other sports its only requires a mat. Golf is a game played mostly by the wealthy countries of the world, and wakeboarding requires a freaking BOAT. Do you think the poorer countries of the world that did well in wrestling will do the same with these new sports?

Maybe you should stay focused on the people who are unfairly cutting sports from the olympics instead of the people calling out the people who are unfairly cutting sports from the olympics.
KungfuJaysus- February 13, 2013 at 3:37 pm
Modern fucking pentathlon. The most complete athlete on the planet? What the fuuuuck. What the fuck is modern about sword fighting and horse riding? At least shooting lasers is modern, albeit fucking gay compared to actually shooting real bullets. Might be cool if they used lasers that could wound some mother fuckers instead of the "green safety lasers"
Alan K- February 13, 2013 at 3:09 pm
You forgot racewalking. The silliest fucking shit I've ever seen.
CheechFace- February 13, 2013 at 2:59 pm
What in the ever-loving-fuck was that shit about the modern pentathlon?
That is the biggest load of donkey cock I have seen since my last trip to Mexico.
Someone in the IOC needs to be shot over this travesty.
Mr_Misanthropy- February 13, 2013 at 11:43 am
Handball is for prison.
Stak40- February 13, 2013 at 11:08 am
HOLD THE FUCK ON! First, Rex, you didn't tell me you were coming out of retirement (forced). Second, we just discussed the other day about representing the US in Handball so we can get to the Olympic Village and do our part in justifying the purchase of two million condoms. Now you pull this shit?! Fuck you Rex!
El Guapo- February 13, 2013 at 10:48 am
Don't you EVER badmouth ping pong again or I'll slap the sexy outta Rexy, nawmsayin?!? In fact, fuck it, I'm out. I'm done with CP forever... Until tomorrow.
Ninjanate- February 13, 2013 at 10:43 am
Eliminating Table Tennis would probably bring about WW3. Is that what you want, the end of the world?
cman- February 13, 2013 at 10:33 am
You noticed Rex. Now we're all covered.
Spitting into the wind- February 13, 2013 at 10:24 am
Ya its bullshit that they are kicking out Wrestling and not some of the other nonsense especially shit like Dressage, but Table Tennis and Badminton? Besides being 2 of the more exciting sports in the Olympics that take mad skills and fitness, they are also the 2 most popular Olympic sports in all of Asia son. You give off the vibe like you have never watched them.
Taekwondo and Judo should go before Wrestling. These for me were the 2 most boring sports I saw in the London Olympics. Granted I didnt watch Dressage or Shooting. Or those cheating motherfucking Archers nowadays with their lasers and balances. THE BOW IS DOING ALL THE WORK FUCKTITS.
Ya its a pity about wrestling but some of your sporting choices were way off.
ArmFarmer- February 13, 2013 at 10:05 am
It would be nice if they showed a little more wrestling in that highlight of dudes raising their arms in the air...
Fried Taco- February 13, 2013 at 10:18 am
No kidding, I thought I could put up with the crappy music if I was going to see some slick wrestling moves. Didn't watch more than 45 seconds before giving up.
ReX13- February 13, 2013 at 10:25 am
i'll cop to that. it was late and i was sleepy and this one had lots of views. I didn't even watch it until this AM.
Xanderschultz- February 13, 2013 at 10:03 am
Absolutely terrible day for the Olympics and the Olympic Spirit. No sport embodies what the Olympics are all about more than wrestling. It is the national sport for numerous countries and one of the only occasions where countries like Mongolia, Azerbaijan and Bulgaria can compete strongly with superpowers like America and Russia.

That is what the Olympics are about. Watching pro American basketball players decimate countries that are just learning the sport, while fun to watch,is an embarrassment to what the Games stand for.
ReX13- February 13, 2013 at 10:23 am
This is *exactly* why i posted the USA-Nigeria basketball game.
Xanderschultz- February 13, 2013 at 10:02 am
my dad @ 0:16 of top video
ReX13- February 13, 2013 at 10:22 am
Can't believe no one has noticed Dave's son Alexander visits CP. Thanks for stopping by, man!
SumDumGuy- February 13, 2013 at 9:01 am
Anybody that talks shit about handball, obviously, has no idea what the fuck their talking about. Elite handball players are some of the toughest motherfuckers on Earth! come correct son! (And, no I haven't played. Just hung out with some Elite players when I was younger)
Gorgzilla- February 13, 2013 at 9:00 am
Wrestling is the boring part of MMA anyway. Good riddance. Yay for the IOC!
cman- February 13, 2013 at 8:26 am
The IOC is not stupid.
They are criminal like a mob boss and as crooked as a democrat in a union state but stupid?? Can you just imagine the kick backs alone they sucked out of the PGA?!?!
Viva Hate- February 13, 2013 at 8:13 am
Lazy reporting, seriously, a list of shitty Olympic events and no mention of race walking, pst! Zero credibility.
El Famous Burrito- February 13, 2013 at 7:51 am
Fencing has to go, too. I'm all for swordfighting being in The Olympics, but it should be like the MMA of swordfighting where you can choose whatever sword you want. Like the end of Rob Roy.
Fried Taco- February 13, 2013 at 7:46 am
If it has hot women in it and we can make them play naked or at least topless, then it can stay. The only horse event allowed is the Lady Godiva decathlon (No fatties allowed).
Knive- February 13, 2013 at 7:45 am
I agree with all of this...apart from the Netherlands being part of Scandinavia.
ReX13- February 13, 2013 at 7:56 am
Would it make a difference if my original reference was to the Swiss team?
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