As you all no doubt have heard, the International Olympic Committee has decreed that wrestling is no longer worthy of a place in the Summer Games, in order to make way for other, more lucrative events. I tell you now that this decision is the worst kind of folly, made for the worst reasons possible. I won’t rail about the corruption in the IOC, or the nepotism and naked commercialism that seems to hold sway in any of their decisions. I will point out that kicking wrestling out of the Olympics does seem rather…historically disconnected.
On the other hand, it’s possible that this is only a con from the IOC in order to drum up support (read: money) to get wrestling back into the Olympic arena where it belongs.
In any case, here is a list of ten sports that should be rightly removed from the Games, even if we weren’t talking about making room for an original Olympic event. Let’s just cut all this extra fat, and strip the Olympics down to the more raw athletic events. (And gymnastics. You have to keep gymnastics.)
The Modern Pentathlon
This was the ass-backwards event that everyone with a brain in their head assumed would get the axe, for two reasons. First, it’s an oddball series of activities based on an archaic skill set — cavalry officers still ride horses? — that is no longer relevant. Second, it’s redundant: Take this away, and athletes could still do the triathlon. Or the decathlon. Or just, you know, pick an event instead of being a scatterbrained dipshit.
First of all: It’s fucking ping pong. You want to get pissy because your “sport” doesn’t sound butch enough? I’m not entirely sure that “table tennis” is upping the intimidation factor, broseph. Secondly, dude, do you really need a sweatband to play? I understand that it takes laser-tuned hand-eye coordination and twitch reflexes, but you’re not fooling anyone into thinking you’re an elite athlete. It doesn’t work for pro HALO players, it won’t work for you.
This is actually an Olympic event? This is a game that is supposed to be played in the streets, across back yards, where bushes and cars are significant obstacles, with an object that need only be vaguely ball-like. I’m saying it’s a children’s game. We cannot continue to encourage these simpletons by allowing them to play soccer with their hands. They need to grow up and pick a real sport or come to terms with their own athletic failings.
Basketball will never go away from the Olympics; I know that, it just generates too much revenue. But we already have an Olympic basketball organization, it’s called the NBA. (Stay gold, Sodak.)
The IOC looks to pick up golf in 2016, and these are the kinds of highlights you can look forward to. Joy? Look, as a game, golf should be played and not seen. Hell, most people can’t play golf without getting halfway-lit first, so that wandering around searching for a little white ball in the expanses of groomed wilderness and man-made constructs doesn’t become a depressing metaphor for their own accomplishments in life. If you actually seek out golf on television to watch, you are a boring human being, and no, I do not want to look at your coin collection.
On the next page: Field hockey, badminton, and all horse-related bullshit.