OK, EYES DOWN HERE, fellas, stay with me. I think it’s time we did some deep soul-searching. Do we need field hockey? I realize you can count on at least one smoking-hot Scandanavian team every four years, but that’s really all that is coming to me right now. I certainly don’t remember any play highlights that were as exciting as anything out of ice hockey. I’m willing to sacrifice it.
It’s horse-dancing. That’s got to be the most bullshit “athletic” event ever. NOTE: Please don’t send me hate mail about the beauty and purity of equestrian events. That’s nice, and I’m really sorry Wildfire got canceled, but no. Actually, let’s just go ahead and make this…
Any Other Bullshit with Horses
Bottom line: Horses shouldn’t be Olympic competitors. Can you imagine being a horse that’s chosen to go to the Olympics? That would SUCK. You train ridiculous hours during the prime of your youth, forgoing any kind of enjoyment, without ever having a clear sense of higher purpose. At least the human children understand that they are proxies for their parents’ athletic achievements as they roll out of bed for practice at four AM. The horses don’t even get to bang all the other hot horse athletes at the Olympic Village, which has got to be tough, especially if your lame-ass “rider” gets play. He’s barely five feet tall and he gets to see the whole Swiss field hockey team’s fjords? Bullshit. Then, if you win a medal, you’re breeding stock. Break a leg and you’re library paste. I’m just saying, do it for the horsies.
(See Tennis, Table.)
I think I saw an Olympic shooting event once on ESPN6 or something and it was guys shooting BB guns at a tiny stationary target twenty feet away. It’s the most boring thing done with guns I can think of outside of the Red Dawn remake. Either revamp the living shit out of this event or chuck it. (On the other hand, if it were teams trying to spot and hit a man-size target from two miles away, you would watch the shit out of that. I know I would.)
Share your tender feelings about ponies and air rifles in the comments. Any disagreements can be settled on the mat.