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Iconic Album Covers Replaced With Sloths

The Next *Next* Big Dumb Thing is Here: “Footbrawl”


(Just so we don’t come across as completely negative, a cheers is in order for whoever decided upon using Rage Against the Machine for background music. And that’s where the compliments stop.)

Maybe it’s just me, but my apathy for all the stupid, knock-off, hybrid MMA sports that have been created in the past few years has reached levels I previously thought unimaginable. Less than a year ago, I would have come across something as — for lack of a better word — retarded as Footbrawl and immediately launched into a three to five hundred word diatribe in which I explained to you exactly how retarded something like Footbrawl truly is. I would have pointed out that, sure, grappling is cool, but it loses some of its luster (or at least its practicality) when two men holding American Gladiator-style jousting sticks repeatedly doink you from above. That last sentence is only gay if you are.

Furthermore, I would have relentlessly mocked the minds behind this sportbortion for daring to combine Ultimate Ball and Jiu-Jitsu with the God’s honest intent of entertainment. I would have waxed poetic about a sport that, when carried out, most closely resembles a Plutonian laundromat riot circa 2033. But the XARM’s, the Wheeled Warriors, and the Warrior Islands of the past few years have all but completely desensitized me to the stupidity of humankind. And this shit doesn’t even have a Tater Williams.

So I beg of you, Potato Nation, to pick up where I have failed in the comments section. Trash this sport. Trash the ever-loving hell out of it. Trash it until someone claiming to be the CEO of Footbrawl is forced to defend the sport via several poorly-written comments. Hell, trash me for even recognizing its existence. And when you’re through with that, trash the Jets for sucking so bad at everything, because fuck ‘em. Several sources have declared the CP comments section to be “the cesspool of the MMA world,” so let’s see if we can lower that bar from “cesspool” to “AIDS-infested shithole” with this article. Make me proud, ladies and gents.

-J. Jones

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chloefish- January 11, 2013 at 2:49 am
I've made $64,000 so far this year working online and I'm a full time student. Im using an online business opportunity I heard about and I've made such great money. It's really user friendly and I'm just so happy that I found out about it. Heres what I do, Great70.com -
Mr_Misanthropy- January 9, 2013 at 11:39 pm
This is perhaps the greatest comment thread in the history of comment threads. The whole thing should be posted in its entirety to Miguel Torres's twitter.
painvelasquez- January 8, 2013 at 9:45 pm
wow
HUH- January 8, 2013 at 6:03 pm
I Dunno, Its pretty entertaining to watch. Id start a footbrAWL CHURCH LEAGUE over a softball league anyday!!!
IronClad- January 8, 2013 at 1:25 pm
Haaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha fuuuuuuuuuuucking retawwwwwwwded. Oh my god so dumb.
raton- January 8, 2013 at 7:30 am
Those big doinking sticks made for a good laugh.
Canseco_MMA- January 8, 2013 at 5:40 am
This sport is worse than cyborgs Dick. Yes, I'd rather watch cyborg hang dangle her oversized vain articulated Dick in dipsetkillas face than watch this. Happy new years taters.
2Dogs- January 8, 2013 at 2:00 am
Looking into my crystal ball I foresee many twisted ankles, popped knees and overlooked stoppages...
LesnarsIntestine- January 8, 2013 at 1:14 am
Its never too far or too soon, sir.
Mr_Misanthropy- January 7, 2013 at 11:03 pm
@ Blood Rink

Hail Beelzebub, Lord of Flies! Hail Satan, Prince of Lies!
Mr_Misanthropy- January 7, 2013 at 11:21 pm
OK, maybe I went a little too far...
blooddrink- January 7, 2013 at 10:54 pm
yesss. fetus blood. this is what i crave. no old criminal australian yuckfest. weird men playing a lame game do not have the blood laden talent i crave.
Mr_Misanthropy- January 7, 2013 at 10:46 pm
The bar is so low, it fell right out of the womb and landed with a splat on the floor. The filthy AIDS infested rotten afterbirth covered public rest stop cement slab cesspool of a floorturd covered floor.
LesnarsIntestine- January 7, 2013 at 10:13 pm
Boy, I sure do hope people take the time to scroll down and enjoy ALL of our bar-lowering comments.
Mr_Misanthropy- January 7, 2013 at 9:41 pm
I got a truckload of fetuses here! C'mon, you're breakin my balls, you're breakin my balls!
Mr_Misanthropy- January 7, 2013 at 9:38 pm
@ Granny's Nuts, Meg

Or you mean potentially not lucrative enough? We can ship these bitches to china. It's a much more renewable resource than tiger penis or bear gall bladder. Perhaps a little rebranding is in order though: Spring Butterfly Lucky Dragon Happy Fetus Number Seven! You buy now!
Grandmas Nutmeg- January 7, 2013 at 9:19 pm
Couldn't you at least have gotten Floyd Mayweather to comment on this sport? There are 0 black people in that game, and that "shit iz raciss!" Also, he could follow that up with how because it's played only by "a bunch of fat, out of shape, talentless, middle aged honkeys" it obviously requires less skill than boxing.

On a side note, the demand for unborn fetuses in the Chinese vitamin world would make your overhead on battered fetus nuggets too costly.
LesnarsIntestine- January 7, 2013 at 9:09 pm
Eat a fetus, save a chicken.
cman- January 7, 2013 at 8:59 pm
Make the sauces all blood red or afterbirth grey and we got a winner
RwilsonR- January 7, 2013 at 8:46 pm
Can't be any worse than soccer, and the rest of the world seems to eat that shit up.
Mr_Misanthropy- January 7, 2013 at 8:43 pm
I say we diversify this business venture. It's all about recycling. Instead of just dumping the "medical waste" in a landfill I say we coat it in a delicious batter containing a secret blend of herbs and spices and deep fry that shit. Fetus McNuggets! Anything tastes good deep fried with an assortment of dipping sauces.
Mr_Misanthropy- January 7, 2013 at 8:38 pm
All City Abortions - Yo- is you's hos knocked up? That shit whack! Hit us up and we'll get that bitch back on the track!
LesnarsIntestine- January 7, 2013 at 8:28 pm
Gilbert Gottfreid*
LesnarsIntestine- January 7, 2013 at 8:19 pm
I will force the person who invented this sport to re-enact every part of "The Aristocrats" joke, as told by Gilbert Godfrey.
LesnarsIntestine- January 7, 2013 at 8:16 pm
Thank you Mr_Misanthropy. Thats what the fetus-fucking donky shit im cunting talking about. You just gave each of my herpes boners with those slogans. Bleed cum, man. Bleed cum.
blooddrink- January 7, 2013 at 8:15 pm
helmets so no poopoo smuggling via earlobe mimicry goes on
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