#10 (tie): Chris “The Polish Hammer” Horodecki, Peter “The Dutch Lumberjack” Aerts
Though it has a long, proud history, the nationality + noun combination is always a risky move when crafting a nickname. If it’s “The Polish ____” it can end up sounding like the setup to a joke. (i.e., “You hear the one about the Polish Hammer? They use it to pound fingernails.” Or something like that, but much funnier.) With any other nationality, like “The Dutch ____,” it can end up sounding like a deviant sex act. Marcus “The Irish Hand Grenade” Davis gets a pass because hand grenades are badass.
Yes, he’s suspiciously well-built, and yes, “shark” almost sounds like “Sherk,” especially when delivered in a thick Yooper accent. The problem is, there’s no such thing as a “muscle shark.” Believe me, I’ve done the research.
Is it because his capillaries are all burst from chronic alcoholism or because he’s constantly getting punched in the face? I’m not sure I’d stake my reputation to either one.
#7: Elvis “The King of Rock N Rumble” Sinosic
Get it? It’s because his name is Elvis! And how effective is “Rock N Rumble” as a competitive martial art? Well, judging from his record, I’d put it somewhere between Kuialua and breakdance-fighting.
#6: Frank “Twinkle Toes” Trigg
I actually don’t have a problem with this. Frank’s a limp-wristed sissy, and he freely acknowledges it. He’s owning it, y’know?
#5 (tie): Brad “The Hillbilly Heartthrob” Imes, Eric “Ravishing Red” Schafer
If you reference your handsomeness in your nickname, not only are you a conceited douchebag, but you’re also neglecting your target audience. Do you know how many women watch MMA? Like, none. So who are you trying to seduce, exactly — that big lug on the other side of the cage? It’s very, very questionable, that’s all I’m saying. Bas “El Guapo” Rutten gets a pass because he’s Dutch and he chose a Spanish nickname, and whatever Bas does is aces in our book.
#4: Tamdan “The Barn Cat” McCrory
Sure, “The Barn Cat” is ridiculous, but you have to admit it’s a lot better than McCrory’s original nickname, “The Shed Pussy.”
Oh, for the love of God. As lame as this nickname is, you know that Waterman must have thought he was the cleverest dude on Earth when he came up with it. I’ve never seen Ron fight, but I can only assume that the announcer introduces him as “Ron, two molecules of Hydrogen reacting with one molecule of Oxygen Man, WATERmaaaaan!”
#2: Jorge “The Naked Man” Ortiz
This would be #1 if not for the fact that “The Naked Man” actually works from an intimidation standpoint. “Bill, good news, I got you a fight. It’s on March 25th against a greased-up nude Mexican. Three five-minute rounds, and…you there, Bill?”
#1: Vladimir “The Janitor” Matyushenko
No. Unacceptable. You can’t be an Eastern European immigrant and call yourself “The Janitor.” For future reference, these names are also off-limits: Maria “The Hotel Room Cleaner” Rodriguez, Jacob “The Penny Pincher” Steinberg, and Samir “The Convenience Store Clerk and Part-Time Customer Service Specialist” Patel.
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The janitor just means he’s taking out the trash.