#5 (tie): Brad “The Hillbilly Heartthrob” Imes, Eric “Ravishing Red” Schafer

If you reference your handsomeness in your nickname, not only are you a conceited douchebag, but you’re also neglecting your target audience. Do you know how many women watch MMA? Like, none. So who are you trying to seduce, exactly — that big lug on the other side of the cage? It’s very, very questionable, that’s all I’m saying. Bas “El Guapo” Rutten gets a pass because he’s Dutch and he chose a Spanish nickname, and whatever Bas does is aces in our book.

#4: Tamdan “The Barn Cat” McCrory

Sure, “The Barn Cat” is ridiculous, but you have to admit it’s a lot better than McCrory’s original nickname, “The Shed Pussy.”

#3: Ron “H20Man” Waterman

Oh, for the love of God. As lame as this nickname is, you know that Waterman must have thought he was the cleverest dude on Earth when he came up with it. I’ve never seen Ron fight, but I can only assume that the announcer introduces him as “Ron, two molecules of Hydrogen reacting with one molecule of Oxygen Man, WATERmaaaaan!”

#2: Jorge “The Naked Man” Ortiz

This would be #1 if not for the fact that “The Naked Man” actually works from an intimidation standpoint. “Bill, good news, I got you a fight. It’s on March 25th against a greased-up nude Mexican. Three five-minute rounds, and…you there, Bill?”

#1: Vladimir “The Janitor” Matyushenko

No. Unacceptable. You can’t be an Eastern European immigrant and call yourself “The Janitor.” For future reference, these names are also off-limits: Maria “The Hotel Room Cleaner” Rodriguez, Jacob “The Penny Pincher” Steinberg, and Samir “The Convenience Store Clerk and Part-Time Customer Service Specialist” Patel.

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