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The Top 25 Truths About Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris

Everyone else in cyberspace has weighed in, so it’s time for CagePotato to lay down the Chuck Norris law. ‘Cept we’ve not only collected Chuck Norris facts from the site that started it all, but we’ve also scoured the literally hundreds of off-shoot entries around the web. The man who put the MA in MMA may not like the facts much, considering the lawsuit he’s taken out – as reported by our peeps over at Holy Taco a few weeks ago – but we fucking love them. Love him or hate him, Chuck Norris walks above us, not amongst us.

So while the bearded ass-kicker is busy selling loco for Mike Huckabee, enjoy the definitive Top 25 Truths About Chuck Norris…and his beard:

25. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
24. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
23. Who was the ghost writer on “Smack My Bitch Up” performed by the band, Prodigy? Chuck Norris.
22. The Ultimate Fighting Championship doesn’t use its full name, which is “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
21. Chuck Norris once fathered a shark – because they kick ass.

Chuck Norris
20. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
19. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder – at the same time.
18. Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
17. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet…until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
16. Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris
15. Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
14. Chuck Norris successfully separated conjoined twins by roundhouse kicking them in the face.
13. On the SAT, if you put “Chuck Norris” for every answer you will score over 8000.
12. Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
11. In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

Chuck Norris
10. As a child, Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself.
9. Chuck Norris’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
8. Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
7. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”.

5. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
4. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the shit out of little kids.
3. Like a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break open Chuck Norris, you would find another Chuck Norris inside – only smaller and angrier.
2. Chuck Norris’ testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas.

And at the top of the list…

1. Chuck Norris invented peeing standing up – for men and women.

(Got some additions? Leave them in the comment section.)

Comments

  1. Jeremy Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 07:34


    when it rains Chuck Norris doesnt get wet. The Rain gets Chuck Norris.
  2. Brendon Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 07:36


    Nice, these Chuck Norris lists never get old.
  3. Turdburglar Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 07:44


    Who woulud win in a fight, Chuck Norris or God? Trick Question.. Chuck Norris is God!
  4. Turdburglar Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 07:49


    Chuck Norris didnt just bring sexy back.... he helicopter kicked it.
  5. yambag Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 07:51


    Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
  6. crapbag Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 07:52


    chuck norris uses pepper spray as eye drops
  7. BIG CHRIS Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 07:56


    Chuck Norris eats defenseless baby seals for breakfast....
  8. Turdburglar Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 09:14


    Chuck Norris has a 9 1/2 inch taint.
  9. Sean Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 09:31


    In an average room there are 1257 items Chuck Norris can kill you with, including the room itself.
  10. totaldb Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 09:47


    Anno Domini, abbreviated as AD or A.D., defines an epoch based on the traditionally reckoned year of the conception or birth of Chuck Norris. Similarly, Before Chuck, abbreviated as BC or B.C., is used in the English language to denote years before the start of this epoch.
  11. soorma Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 09:54


    chuck norris gets naked with me.
  12. BIG CHRIS Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 10:09


    Chuck Norris is the secret Monster in the new Movie "Cloverfield."
  13. Turdburglar Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 10:13


    Swarchenegger, Stallon, Segal, Dudikof and many other 80's action movie stars are all by products of a genetic experiment by the US government using one single strand of Chuck's chest hair, in an attempt to replicate the phenomena that is Chuck.
  14. HFC Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 10:29


    Chuck Norris' tears are a cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.
  15. BIG CHRIS Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 10:36


    Chuck Norris was the body double for Optimus Prime in Tranformers....
  16. Beef Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 11:16


    Chuck Norris can speak braille.
  17. Turdburglar Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 11:20


    the movie Sphear was loosely based on Chuck's left testicle. Chucks balls are amazing!
  18. Turdburglar Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 11:25


    Chuck Norris invented Guatamalan clay pots....
  19. BIG CHRIS Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 11:30


    HOW DID THAT POST IN YOUR NAME.....THAT WAS MY COMMENT!!!
  20. BIG CHRIS Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 11:30


    TURD??
  21. Turdburglar Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 11:34


    ?? thats weird bro.
  22. Turdburglar Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 11:35


    thats was a bitchen comment, I would have been glad to claim it.
  23. CB Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 11:38


    Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
  24. reenya Says:

    Thu, 01/17/08 - 11:53


    chuck norris once found himself between a rock and a hard place, then he realized he was standing between two mirrors.
  25. BIG CHRIS Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 12:08


    That was weird...Oh well....
  26. JOMACK Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 12:18


    Chuck Norris trained his dog to pick up his own shi* becaise Chuck Norris don't take shi* from nobody.
  27. JOMACK Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 12:18


    Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups...he pushes the Earth down.
  28. Turdburglar Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 12:34


    Chuck Norris buit the Eiffel tower, out of steel...and brawn.
  29. yomomma Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 01:24


    Jesus walks on water...but Chuck Norris walks on Jesus
  30. yheatge Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 03:58


    when chuck norris steps in a puddle he doesnt get wet water gets chuck norris
  31. yheatge Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 03:59


    There is no theory of evolution just a list of animals chuck norris lets live
  32. yheatge Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 04:02


    if you have five dollars and chuck norris has five dollars chuck norris has more money than you
  33. yheatge Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 04:03


    when the boogeyman goes to sleep he checks the closet for chuck norris
  34. yheatge Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 04:05


    REMEMBER THE SOVIET UNION? THEY QUIT AFTER WATCHING A DELTA FORCE MARATHON ON SATELITE TV
  35. yheatge Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 04:10


    There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store sChuck Norris can divide by zeroo hard it became a Wendy's When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  36. Niceguyeddie Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 06:48


    Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
  37. Walker & Texas Ranger Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 07:27


    One time CHUCK NORRIS got bit by a rattlesnake, after 5 days of excruciating pain... the rattlesnake DIED!!!
  38. jjcool Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 10:25


    After a night of drinking Chuck doesn't throw up, he throws down!
  39. Cockblast Chewey Says:

    Fri, 01/18/08 - 11:00


    Chuck Norris uses 80 grit sand paper to wipe is ass. he also uses the jaws of life to trim his nails.
  40. Ramrod Says:

    Fri, 01/25/08 - 11:56


    Chuck norris doesnt teabag he potato sacks
  41. Choaderfeild Says:

    Mon, 01/28/08 - 10:15


    Chuck Norris fathered a minotaur
  42. Chuckfan Says:

    Mon, 03/31/08 - 03:47


    For fun, Chuck Norris goes to veterinary hospitals and when asked if he has a sick pet, he flexes his biceps and says, "These pythons are pretty sick."
  43. Chuckfan Says:

    Mon, 03/31/08 - 03:51


    Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris's house is a total gym.
  44. fawkmesideways Says:

    Mon, 07/07/08 - 07:10


    The "Big Bang" was the result of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face
  45. jobrolove Says:

    Thu, 07/24/08 - 01:35


    It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
  46. Anonymous Says:

    Fri, 02/27/09 - 08:03


    chuck norris makes onions cry
  47. Rafael Says:

    Thu, 05/07/09 - 08:17


    11° testament: Don't get in CHUCK NORRIS way!
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