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The Top 25 Truths About Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris

Everyone else in cyberspace has weighed in, so it’s time for CagePotato to lay down the Chuck Norris law. ‘Cept we’ve not only collected Chuck Norris facts from the site that started it all, but we’ve also scoured the literally hundreds of off-shoot entries around the web. The man who put the MA in MMA may not like the facts much, considering the lawsuit he’s taken out – as reported by our peeps over at Holy Taco a few weeks ago – but we fucking love them. Love him or hate him, Chuck Norris walks above us, not amongst us.

So while the bearded ass-kicker is busy selling loco for Mike Huckabee, enjoy the definitive Top 25 Truths About Chuck Norris…and his beard:

25. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
24. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
23. Who was the ghost writer on “Smack My Bitch Up” performed by the band, Prodigy? Chuck Norris.
22. The Ultimate Fighting Championship doesn’t use its full name, which is “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
21. Chuck Norris once fathered a shark – because they kick ass.

Chuck Norris
20. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
19. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder – at the same time.
18. Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
17. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet…until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
16. Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris
15. Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
14. Chuck Norris successfully separated conjoined twins by roundhouse kicking them in the face.
13. On the SAT, if you put “Chuck Norris” for every answer you will score over 8000.
12. Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
11. In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

Chuck Norris
10. As a child, Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself.
9. Chuck Norris’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
8. Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
7. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”.

5. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
4. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the shit out of little kids.
3. Like a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break open Chuck Norris, you would find another Chuck Norris inside – only smaller and angrier.
2. Chuck Norris’ testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas.

And at the top of the list…

1. Chuck Norris invented peeing standing up – for men and women.

(Got some additions? Leave them in the comment section.)

Cagepotato Comments

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Rafael- May 7, 2009 at 8:17 pm
11° testament: Don't get in CHUCK NORRIS way!
Anonymous- February 27, 2009 at 8:03 pm
chuck norris makes onions cry
jobrolove- July 24, 2008 at 1:35 am
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
fawkmesideways- July 7, 2008 at 7:10 am
The "Big Bang" was the result of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face
Chuckfan- March 31, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris's house is a total gym.
Chuckfan- March 31, 2008 at 3:47 pm
For fun, Chuck Norris goes to veterinary hospitals and when asked if he has a sick pet, he flexes his biceps and says, "These pythons are pretty sick."
Choaderfeild- January 28, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Chuck Norris fathered a minotaur
Ramrod- January 25, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Chuck norris doesnt teabag he potato sacks
Cockblast Chewey- January 18, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Chuck Norris uses 80 grit sand paper to wipe is ass.

he also uses the jaws of life to trim his nails.
jjcool- January 18, 2008 at 10:25 am
After a night of drinking Chuck doesn't throw up, he throws down!
Walker & Texas Ranger- January 18, 2008 at 7:27 am
One time CHUCK NORRIS got bit by a rattlesnake, after 5 days of excruciating pain... the rattlesnake DIED!!!
Niceguyeddie- January 18, 2008 at 6:48 am
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
yheatge- January 18, 2008 at 4:10 am
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store sChuck Norris can divide by zeroo hard it became a Wendy's
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
yheatge- January 18, 2008 at 4:05 am
yheatge- January 18, 2008 at 4:03 am
when the boogeyman goes to sleep he checks the closet for chuck norris
yheatge- January 18, 2008 at 4:02 am
if you have five dollars and chuck norris has five dollars chuck norris has more money than you
yheatge- January 18, 2008 at 3:59 am
There is no theory of evolution just a list of animals chuck norris lets live
yheatge- January 18, 2008 at 3:58 am
when chuck norris steps in a puddle he doesnt get wet water gets chuck norris
yomomma- January 18, 2008 at 1:24 am
Jesus walks on water...but Chuck Norris walks on Jesus
Turdburglar- January 18, 2008 at 12:34 am
Chuck Norris buit the Eiffel tower, out of steel...and brawn.
JOMACK- January 18, 2008 at 12:18 am
Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups...he pushes the Earth down.
JOMACK- January 18, 2008 at 12:18 am
Chuck Norris trained his dog to pick up his own shi* becaise Chuck Norris don't take shi* from nobody.
BIG CHRIS- January 18, 2008 at 12:08 am
That was weird...Oh well....
reenya- January 17, 2008 at 11:53 pm
chuck norris once found himself between a rock and a hard place, then he realized he was standing between two mirrors.
CB- January 17, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.