(Yes Tim…good…let the trollface flow through you. Photo via Getty.)
Sheldon Westcott vs. Elias Theodorou. Chad Laprise vs. Olivier Aubin-Mercier. Richard Walsh vs. Chris Indich. These are just a few of the fights going down on today’s TUF Nations Finale: Bisping vs. Kennedy card that we will not be covering thanks to a combination of apathy, laziness, and bitterness over the current state of the UFC’s product (but mainly apathy and laziness). We will, however, be bringing you live, round-by-round results for the fights you’re actually interested in: Dustin Poirier vs. Akira Corassani, Patrick Cote vs. Kyle Noke, and Tim Kennedy vs. Michael Bisping, so let’s get this international battle underway! YEAH! ‘MURICA!!!
FIGHT PASS PRELIMS
-Mitch Gagnon def. Tim Gorman via unanimous decision (30-27 x 3)
-Richard Walsh def. Chris Indich via unanimous decision (30-27 x 3)
-Nordine Taleb def. Vic Grujic by unanimous decision (30-27 x 3)
-Mark Bocek def. Mike de la Torre via split decision (29-28, 30-27, 28-29)
Uh oh, looks like it’s gonna be one of them nights. And without even seeing the Bocek/Torre fight, I feel totally fine saying that someone needs to get the fuck out with those scores.
FOX SPORTS 1 PRELIMS
-George Roop def. Dustin Kimura via unanimous decision (30-27, 29-28, 29-26)
-Ryan Jimmo def. Sean O’Connell via KO(!), 4:27 of round 1
-Sarah Kaufman def. Leslie Smith via unanimous decision (30-27 x 3)
-KJ Noons def. Sam Stout via KO, 0:30 of round 1
Let’s do this!
Dustin Poirier vs. Akira Corissani
One of these guys almost got stabbed with a pen by Diego Brandao and is a frequent violator of the Chuck Liddell “no touching” rule of pre-fight staredowns. The other is a TUF alum most famous for wearing a fedora. I’m conflicted on who to root more against, to say the least.
Not that anyone cares, but my mega-super-buster parlay is one fight away from coming to fruition. Probably just jinxed it, but I don’t care. My status as a gambling savant has already been validated.
Round 1: Right hand Akira to start things off. Both men are landing, but Poirier clips Akira and the two battle for position along the fence. They separate and Poirier lands a jab. Then another. Poirier is leaping into his punches and gets dropped! Corassani has Poirier on the rebound but appears to be recovering, so Akira fires off some spinning shit that mostly misses. Akira goes body then head, then lands another right. Poirier with a stiff jab, and Akira wings a wild uppercut. Both men are trading and Corassani lands another big right. Akira attemps a takedown and Poirier immediately starts working a D’arce choke. Akira tries to work his way out but Poirier switches to a Peruvian necktie. Corassani is cut badly as both men get back to their feet, but lands another right. Great round.
Round 2: Akira again goes body-head, but Poirier responds with a beautiful combo ending with an uppercut. Corassani is hurt and Poirier swarms for the finish. Dunzo.
Poirier def. Corassani via TKO, 0:42 of round 2
Poirier really needs to work on his defensive boxing — he gets consistently rocked and has a tendency to leap into his punches — but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t always entertain. Another great fight in the books for “The Diamond” and a nice finish to boot.
Poirier tells Anik that he broke Corassani’s nose with that uppercut, according to Corassani. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer-MIKE BROWN SPOTTING!
Just one fight in and we’ve already come to our first break. I’ll see you guys after this TUF Nations rubbish unless something awesome happens…
Chad Laprise def. Olivier Aubin-Mercier via split decision (29-28, 30-27, 28-29)
Elias Theodorou def. Sheldon Westcott via TKO, 4:41 of round 2
Aaaaand we’re back!
Patrick Cote vs. Kyle Noke
This is a great fight for livebloggers. Both guys are finishers with four letter last names.
Round 1: Cote starts things off with a low shot. Noke lands a teep kick to the face. Leg kick Noke. Cote with a nice right over the top. They clinch along the fence. Noke lands a body kick after the break, but he appears to be cut above the left eye. Cote dives on a takedown and Noke tries for a guillotine but is denied. Cote landing some elbows and punches from full guard. Crowd cheering for Cote as he continues to work from guard and land hammerfists. Noke throws up a triangle that is also denied and Cote lands elbows until the bell sounds. Easy 10-9 Cote.
Round 2: Noke utilizing the front kicks early. Cote rushes in and gets dropped with a knee! Cote fails on a takedown and Noke is teeing off. Cote separates and despite being cut looks recovered. Hell of chin on this Canuck, as we’ve come to learn. Noke lands another left hook, then a front kick to the body. Cote rushes forward, grabs a single, and manages to get Noke down. Cote with some pitter-patter form the guard, as Noke’s sub attempts again come up short. Big elbow Cote, then another. Nice knee to the body from Cote as they separate. Both guys throw feints that mostly miss as the round ends. Another 10-9 for Cote.
Round 3: Noke still using his kicks to keep Cote at bay, but the Canadian lands a nice right. Cote rushes in for a takedown but gets stuffed. They break and Noke lands a left to the body. Left hand upstairs for Noke, then a kick to the body. Cote catches a kick and gets Noke to the mat. Cote moves to side mount for a moment but Noke regains guard. Elbow Cote. Then another that opens a cut on Noke’s hairline. Not looking good for the Aussie as the final 20 seconds expire with Cote controlling him against the fence. 10-9 Cote.
Patrick Cote def. Kyle Noke via unanimous decision (29-28 x 2, 30-27)
Michael Bisping vs. Tim Kennedy
Again I am conflicted. I want Tim Kennedy to win because ‘Murica, but a Bisping win will net me close to $40 on $5 alone. Ah fuck it. USA! USA!!!
Round 1: Kennedy almost immediately shoots on a single and gets Bisping down. Wow. Bisping trying to get to his knees but Kennedy gets to half guard. Nice right hand from Kennedy. Kennedy is surprisingly controlling Bisping here. Bisping tries to get to his feet again but Kennedy sucks them out from under him. Bisping finally to his feet and working a kimura, but gets taken down again. Left hand Kennedy from the top. Kennedy gets mount! Bisping trying to buck him but Kennedy is in control. Bisping gives up his back and Kennedy tries for a rear-naked. A scramble ensues and Kennedy winds up back in full guard throwing elbows until the round ends. 10-9 Kennedy.
Round 2: Bisping with a kick to the body. Kennedy wings an overhand right that misses. Bisping with a jab, but he’s coming up short on the majority of his punches. Kennedy with an uppercut in the scramble, then a body kick. Bisping finding his range with a few punches and Kennedy dives on a single. Bisping breaks a body lock and tries a flying knee. Bisping starting to counter Kennedy, who appears to be slowing a bit maybe? Left hand Bisping. Overhand right from Kennedy. Bisping is steadily outboxing Kennedy as the round ends. 10-9 Bisping.
Round 3: Bisping lands a right to start, but Kennedy takes him down. Kennedy working from half guard. Bisping trying to escape, but Kennedy is like a goddamn constrictor. Kennedy to side control now and landing a few lefts. Bisping latches onto a kimura but Kennedy ain’t having it. Body shots from Kennedy now. Kennedy from side control into mount, nice move there. Elbow Kennedy, and a nice pair of left hands to follow. Bisping wall walks and escapes, only to end up with Kennedy back in side control. 10-9 Kennedy as the tiny crowd showers (sprinkles) them in boos.
Round 4: Not much action to start. Kennedy attempts a takedown and has Bisping against the fence. Bisping escapes and the crowd goes mild (BA-DUM-TSH). Both men land right hands. Bisping is clearly the fresher fight, but he seems hesistant to pull the trigger. GO FIGURE, RIGHT?! Kennedy lands a right then grabs another body lock but is denied. Left hook lands for Kennedy. Bisping with a combo. Nice right hand from Kennedy and Bisping is wobbled. Left hand lands for Kennedy, who is cut on the bridge of his nose. Bisping with a right hand. Right Kennedy. Bisping with a right over the top. Close round, but I’d probably give it to Kennedy.
Round 5: Kennedy lands another hard right/teep. Kind of looked like the punch that Petruzelli dropped Kimbo with. Bisping with some pillow fist-I mean jabs. Takedown Kennedy. Bisping gets to his feet but is immediately tripped. Kennedy to mount. Bisping is running out of options here. Kennedy back to mount, then half guard. Lavigne stand ‘em up and Kennedy lands a body kick. Bisping ends a combo with a head kick that partially lands. Jab Bisping. Left Kennedy. One minute left and Bisping isn’t going for it. GO FIGURE RIGHT?!! Bisping with literally the worst spinning backfist I’ve ever seen. 10-9 Kennedy
Tim Kennedy def. Michael Bisping via unanimous decision (49-46 x 2, 50-45)
Some post-fight ass kissing from both guys, and so ends the lamest grudge match in UFC history.
That’s it for me, folks. It’s nights like these that really, really make me wish I could charge overtime.