There must be something about early July that gets Americans riled up at the British. This year it’s former Marine (not Army, as I mistakenly implied last time) Brian Stann who is ready to do battle with vile, pasty British person Michael Bisping. Ok, so if you want to get technical about it, Bisping kind of called out Stann first. Whatever. The point is that Stann is the latest in a long line of Americans who have stood against this insufferable British menace.
Now, I try not to devolve into hyperbole, but I think it’s safe to say that since his humiliating loss to Dan Henderson, Michael Bisping has had one thing on his mind – the destruction of America itself. Though presumably suffering through the devastating aftereffects of the H-Bomb, Bisping bided his time with a detour through a few Brazilians, where he met with mixed success. When he was ready, he returned to the rebellious colonies, determined to finish the war his forefathers had started centuries ago.
His first strike against Dan Miller went largely unnoticed; there was no reason to suspect Bisping would dare take any further action against America. Bisping then took on Japan’s Yoshiro Akiyama, which seemed to cement this theory – but is it a coincidence that Japan, Akiyama’s home country, is under the protection of American troops? I think not. Bisping became more brazen after this conquest, challenging Army veteran and Tim Kennedy training partner Jorge Rivera. Rivera admirably attempted to subvert the devious Brit’s diabolical scheme using psychological warfare, but it backfired in brutal fashion. Bisping was befuddled by Rivera’s tactics to the extent that he forgot the rule against kneeing the head of a downed opponent, leading to Rivera’s demise. Bisping also forgot common decency and sportsmanship, a staple of British culture from all accounts, and proceeded to spit at Rivera’s corner in the heated aftermath of the fight. Or he was never aware of them to begin with. Either way, his anti-American agenda was made clear.
Bisping continued his campaign, this time embarrassing American reality TV host (and cagefighter) “Mayhem” Miller on the finale of a reality TV show. In conquering the most American of entertainment mediums, Bisping was poised to strike at the heart of America itself. Fortunately, the American Gangster himself, Chael P. Sonnen, scored a decisive victory over the villainous Count. However, “decisive victory” in this case refers to whatever is the exact opposite of that, as Bisping is convinced he won that fight. Bisping’s plans were merely delayed, and he has begun to mount a counteroffensive. But much as Britain reached too far when it attempted to reclaim its colonial possessions across the Atlantic, so too has Bisping bitten off more than he can chew in calling out Brian Stann.
Stann is the weapon America needs to defeat the menace that is Michael Bisping. Stann’s one weakness is the ground game. If he gets taken down, he’s in trouble. But have no fear, America, Bisping conveniently lacks the capability to bring the fight to the ground. Also conveniently, Bisping’s one observable weakness – getting hit in the face really fucking hard – happens to be somewhat of a specialty for Stann. Oh, and the fact that a brutal victory for Stann may help save the United States military’s sponsorship of the UFC is a nice touch.
While Bisping has already called out Alan Belcher – who accepted the challenge – it’s obvious which fight is far more compelling. So come on Joe Silva, let’s make Bisping vs. Stann happen. Not just for the fans but for America. Our independence doesn’t amount to squat so long as our fighters and people must suffer the malodorous douchery of Michael Bisping.