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The War of Independence Continues: Brian Stann Elects to Defend America from the Tyrannical Douchery of Michael Bisping

By George Shunick

There must be something about early July that gets Americans riled up at the British. This year it’s former Marine (not Army, as I mistakenly implied last time) Brian Stann who is ready to do battle with vile, pasty British person Michael Bisping. Ok, so if you want to get technical about it, Bisping kind of called out Stann first. Whatever. The point is that Stann is the latest in a long line of Americans who have stood against this insufferable British menace.

Now, I try not to devolve into hyperbole, but I think it’s safe to say that since his humiliating loss to Dan Henderson, Michael Bisping has had one thing on his mind – the destruction of America itself. Though presumably suffering through the devastating aftereffects of the H-Bomb, Bisping bided his time with a detour through a few Brazilians, where he met with mixed success. When he was ready, he returned to the rebellious colonies, determined to finish the war his forefathers had started centuries ago.

His first strike against Dan Miller went largely unnoticed; there was no reason to suspect Bisping would dare take any further action against America. Bisping then took on Japan’s Yoshiro Akiyama, which seemed to cement this theory – but is it a coincidence that Japan, Akiyama’s home country, is under the protection of American troops? I think not. Bisping became more brazen after this conquest, challenging Army veteran and Tim Kennedy training partner Jorge Rivera. Rivera admirably attempted to subvert the devious Brit’s diabolical scheme using psychological warfare, but it backfired in brutal fashion. Bisping was befuddled by Rivera’s tactics to the extent that he forgot the rule against kneeing the head of a downed opponent, leading to Rivera’s demise. Bisping also forgot common decency and sportsmanship, a staple of British culture from all accounts, and proceeded to spit at Rivera’s corner in the heated aftermath of the fight. Or he was never aware of them to begin with. Either way, his anti-American agenda was made clear.

Bisping continued his campaign, this time embarrassing American reality TV host (and cagefighter) “Mayhem” Miller on the finale of a reality TV show. In conquering the most American of entertainment mediums, Bisping was poised to strike at the heart of America itself. Fortunately, the American Gangster himself, Chael P. Sonnen, scored a decisive victory over the villainous Count. However, “decisive victory” in this case refers to whatever is the exact opposite of that, as Bisping is convinced he won that fight. Bisping’s plans were merely delayed, and he has begun to mount a counteroffensive. But much as Britain reached too far when it attempted to reclaim its colonial possessions across the Atlantic, so too has Bisping bitten off more than he can chew in calling out Brian Stann.

Stann is the weapon America needs to defeat the menace that is Michael Bisping. Stann’s one weakness is the ground game. If he gets taken down, he’s in trouble. But have no fear, America, Bisping conveniently lacks the capability to bring the fight to the ground. Also conveniently, Bisping’s one observable weakness – getting hit in the face really fucking hard – happens to be somewhat of a specialty for Stann. Oh, and the fact that a brutal victory for Stann may help save the United States military’s sponsorship of the UFC is a nice touch.

While Bisping has already called out Alan Belcherwho accepted the challenge – it’s obvious which fight is far more compelling. So come on Joe Silva, let’s make Bisping vs. Stann happen. Not just for the fans but for America. Our independence doesn’t amount to squat so long as our fighters and people must suffer the malodorous douchery of Michael Bisping.

Cagepotato Comments

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fishtaco- July 9, 2012 at 7:28 am
bisping would out work stann till he fainted, stann cant beat bisping or any other top 5 mw. bisping by tko in the 3rd. Enless jacksons camp has stann run like guida then bisping by decision. Jacksons camp should turn into a ballet school
guelph gym- July 8, 2012 at 2:20 pm
lighting lombard would slaughter bisping
XENOPHON- July 8, 2012 at 7:42 am
MMA_Hole-Does anyone know what exactly Cage Potato's "mission statement" is?
MMA_Hole- July 8, 2012 at 5:57 am
If I worked for a website so obviously circling the drain, I'd probably try to avoid hackneyed, uncomfortably unfunny articles that serve only to alienate and turn away a substantial percentage of the already dwindling readership.
gruge- July 8, 2012 at 1:34 am
Oh God, I laughed the whole way through. Not realy. Isnt the whole Michael Bisping is a "douch" thing a bit tired now?. If Bisping and Stann where to fight, Bisping would outwork and out manouver Stann. There is nothing wrong with Bispings chin, that H bomb could have knocked out a Rhino.

Oh and george, go fuck yourself buddy.
DARKHORSE06- July 7, 2012 at 6:10 pm
Hey, wheres the 148 live commentary you homos?
XENOPHON- July 7, 2012 at 5:31 pm
Prediction, the Marine drives a nail into the coffin and delay's any UFC fight hype hopes for Bisping moving forward. Bisping ranks 14th out of the current middleweights. If it's agreed that Hendo hit it hard, what do you think "Lightening" Lombard (raned 5th) would do?
jjrdias- July 7, 2012 at 2:11 pm
This article is the real tyrannical douche-baggery. To the N-th degree. You're trying too hard, Georgie boy. You're not funny and your soliloquies suck. Keep it simple dude. We're not expecting romances here. Just some sarcasm and alike. This was pitiful. And how original to go for the 'Bisping is a douche' angle. Yup, that ain't played out at all.
BlazeK1- July 7, 2012 at 12:32 pm
Funny article but who were the 'few Brazilians'? He fought Kang and Silva in between Hendo and Miller.