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The Week in Review: “Oh, F*ck My Life” Edition

(The Johnson vs. Cormier promo for UFC 187. We haven’t watched it yet, but drink if the word “monster” is used at any point.)

Afternoon, Nation. It’s been a hell of a week for our fine little sport, amiright? Some bad things happened, some other bad things happened, and depending on how you feel about Jon Jones, some either earth-shatteringly terrible or world-affirmingly wonderful things happened as well. So join us after the jump as we recap the week that was while trying not to cry into our whiskey drink. What? IT’S FRIDAY AND WE NEED THIS, NATION.

-If the loss of Jones from UFC 187 wasn’t bad enough, the most stacked card since the FOX deal took another huge hit in the form of top lightweight contender Khabib Nurmagomedov — who was forced out of his #1 contender battle with Donald Cerrone due to a torn meniscus in an apparent “freak accident.” The Russian, who has not fought since defeating now-champion Rafael Dos Anjos in April of 2014, now faces another 4-6 month layoff and feels he attempted to come back from his original injury “too soon.” I…I just…

Sometimes it makes me sad, though…[UFC 187] being torn apart. I have to remind myself that some [cards] aren’t meant to be caged. Their [lineups] are just too bright. And when they [fall apart], the part of you that knows it was a sin to [book] them DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my [sport].

-In slightly less depressing news, Cerrone will now face John Makdessi at UFC 187, who is fresh off a first round TKO over Shane Campbell at UFC 186.

-What else sucked this week? Oh, I guess Alexander Gustafsson being forced out of his Fight Night Berlin main event against Glover Teixeira fits that bill. If you’ll excuse me for a moment…

All better now.

With Gustafsson once again forced out of a Fight Night main event due to an undisclosed injury, women’s strawweight champion Joanna Jedrzejczyk will now face Jessica Penne for her first title defense. Penne was previously scheduled to face Brazilian Juliana De Lima Carneiro at Fight Night 67 next, but I guess a title shot makes just as much sense. Welcome to the show, babay!!!!!

-What else, what else. Well, we learned that Urijah Faber is an anti-vaxxer, so there’s something fun to chew on.

-Following their featured undercard scrap at UFC 186 which saw Patrick Cote defeat Joe Riggs via unanimous decision, Riggs has now more or less accused Cote of greasing. His exact words:

Ive been DQed for taking an oil bath the night before a fight so that when I started to sweat in the baby oil would slowly started coming out of my pores slowly. But the body is dry when they checked before they fight. Lol not saying he did that. But if he didn’t then he’s normally slippery as a oiled up dong!

“Slippery as a oiled up dong” sounds about as eloquent as I’d expect from a guy who once shot himself while cleaning his gun.

-In slightly more uplifting news, I guess, Melvin Guillard was granted release from his WSOF contract. If you recall, Guillard fought twice for the promotion last year, scoring a TKO over Gesias Cavalcante before dropping a decision to lightweight champion Justin Gaethje and missing weight on both occasions. Despite being blasted by WSOF President Ray Sefo for his unprofessionalism, we fully expect to see him back in the UFC before day’s end, what with their fighters dropping like flies and all.

-But because I believe there’s always a silver lining, I’m going to wrap things up by reminding us all that today marks the 15th anniversary of Kazushi Sakuraba vs. Royce Gracie, the most epic MMA fight of all time. Let’s all watch the entire thing together right now.

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