Mike Tyson may be a self-admitted recovering alcoholic on the verge of death, but it’s important to remember that he’s also a man who possesses scary, perhaps even otherworldly skills that simply cannot be eroded with time. For an example of this, see the video above, wherein “Iron Mike” nails two bullseyes while f*cking blindfolded as part of an ongoing competition on FOX Sports.
Never in my life have I felt more like a failure than after watching this video. In my history of drunken dart-throwing (I can’t honestly recall if I’ve ever played darts sober), I have nailed a bullseye approximately three or four times. Yes, the viewing audience exploded with raucous applause in each instance, but to see Tyson so nonchalantly pull off such a feat — while completely blind, no less — just confirms that I was never meant to become a professional athlete. It’s a fate I finally accepted after throwing a dart through my roommate’s hand while trying to attempt this insanity.
Also, Katie Nolan. That is all.