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Tim Means Pulled Last-Minute From ‘UFC on FOX 5′ For the Most Hilariously Cursed Injury Yet

(To be fair, Means’ should have seen something like this coming when he decided to frequent the creepy sauna in the middle of a swamp.) 

You guys remember how the booking of Tim Means and Abel Trujillo — two former convicts — on the undercard of UFC on FOX 5 raised some interesting questions regarding just who the UFC should allow to fight under their banner? Well, we can put that debate to rest for now in the case of Means, as Dana White announced over Twitter just a couple hours ago that “The Dirty Bird” has been pulled from the card for — we shit you not — slipping in the sauna and knocking himself unconscious:


I hope you all are happy, because you kind of predicted this.

If this sounds familiar, it’s because a very similar situation occurred at UFC 24 when Kevin Randleman slipped on a pipe backstage and knocked himself right out of the headlining heavyweight title match he was scheduled to compete in opposite Pedro Rizzo. At least we’re only dealing with an undercard injury for the time being.

At this point, the injury curse of 2012 has officially gone full-retard. Drunk on power and arrogance, it is basically stumbling through mess halls and vomiting into harpsichords, looking for the nearest hapless gent to pick a fight with. It’s beyond the point of parody, really, kind of like how fast food drive-thru window pranks and AIDS jokes just aren’t as funny as they used to be. The question is, will 2013 be just as bad? There’s truly no earthly way of knowing which direction the injury curse is going, but not a spec of light is showing, so the danger must be growing. YES, the danger MUST be growing, for the woe-ers keep on woeing, and they’re certainly not showing ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!!


As DW mentioned, stepping up on short notice to face Trujillo will be Marcus LeVesseur, who lost his original opponent in TUF 15 winner Mike Chiesa due to a sudden illness that forced him to pull out from the fight at the last minute. If I were one to buy into conspiracies, this is where I’d start speculating that a Higher Power was behind all this, perhaps attempting to prevent some sort of ecological disaster or terrorist attack through a series of frivolously connected events that begin with this fight. Thankfully, I’m not one of those loons.

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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Viva Hate- December 7, 2012 at 1:59 pm
Ya I did this Means is part of Team Viva, sorry dude!
Fried Taco- December 7, 2012 at 1:56 pm
You know what else isn't funny? Prank calling the hospital where Kate Middleton is staying. Shit got real.
phantom151- December 7, 2012 at 1:48 pm
teep- December 7, 2012 at 1:42 pm
Maybe it was a hot tub time machine and he can try this thing again!!!
El Guapo- December 7, 2012 at 1:28 pm
(Pointing at Viva, Robert De Niro voice)"You did this, didn't you Focker?"
The12ozCurls- December 7, 2012 at 1:12 pm
You are a liar. That is a photo of Xeno's house.
J.Jones- December 7, 2012 at 1:09 pm
FYI, the header photo is taken from a fantastic film called "Sauna," which is about a curse. I swear to God I am not making this shit up.
JayJitsu310- December 7, 2012 at 2:13 pm
lol, I was just about to reply about how that photo was from the movie "Sauna" and thinking to myself how surprised I would be if anyone recognized such an obscure reference.
J.Jones- December 7, 2012 at 2:19 pm
Dude, you know "Sauna?" One of my all-time favorites! Now tell me you listen to Dead Can Dance and you'll officially be the coolest, most obscure SOB I know.
JayJitsu310- December 8, 2012 at 3:08 am
Dead Can Dance? who are they? j/k "The Host of Seraphim" is one of the most hauntingly beautiful pieces of music I have ever heard!